Firestarter 2022

I don't care much for the 1984 movie, so there's no bias to dismiss this "remake", which is more adequately a "new adaptation". The movies play out very differently. This one feels more like Stephen King's X-Men.

The cast does a good job here. Zac Efron plays the dad, and he also has powers, along with the mother, who underwent some experiment in college, which explains that much. They live their lives with discretion, though the young girl is having a hard time dealing with her growing pyrokinetic abilities. Obviously, things exacerbate, and that's when the government assholes come a' knockin'.

This movie feels more like a Stephen King story than the original. It has psychics, bullies, conspiracies, and a few unsettling bits scattered throughout. I actually found it pretty well done, but it didn't seem to make much of a dent in theaters. As far as King remakes go, this one is way better than the likes of Pet Sematary. I'll even place it higher than "It", and definitely higher than "It Chapter 2". Those movies are hella overrated. Firestarter 2022 is underrated.

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Auntie Lee's Meat Pies 1992

Karen Black leads a satanic cult of sexy chicks in some psycho house in the middle of nowhere. She grinds up hapless travelers into meat pies to sell to people. People like the sheriff, Pat Morita. Mister Miyagi himself, but with a very Americanized accent, which is plenty amusing in itself.

There are hotties in this movie, but as far as my weary eyes could figure, none of them got naked, which is fucking stupid. I wanted to see these women nude. But the opening scene is plenty amusing. It involves one of the knocked-out girls getting raped by a crude fugitive. She wakes up and apathetically stabs him in the head with something and doesn't think twice about it. This isn't a movie you should even think once about. He's just pie ingredients.

A highlight of the movie is Michael Berryman's performance. He plays a toothless retard servant. Pretty classy guy in real life though.

So as awesome as this movie sounds, it's mostly boring with a few kills sprinkled throughout to keep it from being a complete waste of time. Sounds like just about everything I look for in a trash epic.

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The Omen 4: The Awakening 1991

I've avoided this one for a while because I heard it was shit. Then, I began to realize that I like shitty things. Furthermore, I don't even like the other sequels in this series, so there's no real hype to live up to. This is a Canadian made-for-tv 90s movie, after all. There's no way this could be good.

Co-directed by H5's Dominique Othenin-Girard, this movie is bound to feel weird. The new demon spawn is a little girl this time, and it's easy to draw parallels to the Bad Seed. Our pending antichrist is Delia, and she's fun to watch. But after a while, she takes a backseat as the rest of the film follows her mother's descent into madness over satanic babies. There are a few kills scattered throughout, and the end is a different take on the first movie's ending. But since it's basically the same ending, there's no real impact and you'll walk away completely indifferent to the whole experience.

For what it's worth, I probably enjoyed this one more than 2 or 3. Those movies are boring. Almost as boring as this review.

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My Amityville Horror 2012

If you're interested in the Amityville horror story of George and Kathy Lutz, here's a documentary from the perspective of their son Daniel Lutz. There's a lot of debate of whether it's real or not, and this documentary doesn't push us any closer to the truth. It shows us that Daniel has never truly gotten over the experience, and he firmly believes in the weird happenings.

In addition to his firm belief in the paranormal presence, there's also a lot of shade thrown at George Lutz, ego-centric ex-marine and poor step-father figure with otherworldly interests. He was said to have books on the occult and even accused by Daniel of having telekinetic abilities. With that said, there is the assumtion that George was a catalyst for any hostile spirits.

I can't say I believe any of it happened, but I do believe that Daniel belives it happened. Some believe that the 1979 film and several decades have affected his recollection of the real events, but he has described some eerie incidents not featured in the movie. He also mentions that after the incident and more domestic troubles, he went to live in some church where the priests beat him and performed exorcisms on him. Yikes!

I don't know. He seems pretty fucked in the head, but at least he's a good guitarist. It's surprising considering the window incident that crushed his fingers only seemingly damaging the pinky finger, but it sounds like everyone was in hysterics while that bit was happening, and ghost ladies were walking through the house and whatnot...

It's a decent yarn, but there is room to poke holes in all of this Amityville horror talk. It features Lorraine Warren, and confirms that no tenant since has experienced any weirdness in the house.

Do you believe any of it? Or was George doing it for the money?

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Terror Train 2022

A Tubi original! That ought to tell you enough, but I'll ramble anyway. It's almost a beat-for-beat remake of the 1980 film, so one might ask the valid question, "Why bother?"

One (in)significant change was setting it on Halloween instead of New Years Eve. That allows the costume party to make more sense, even though I never really questioned it in the original. New Years was simply another holiday to exploit, and the swip-swap makes no real difference.

If everything is the same as the original, then you know what happens. However, the end plays out a bit differently. This is mostly so the producers can say, "Look! Our film isn't exactly the same!". Hell, this movie even ends on an extremely predictable cliche, as if the movie couldn't be any more generic.

With all that said, this movie has no real reason to exist. The original is superior.

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13 Fanboy 2021

Directed by Debi Sue Voorhees of F13-5 fame, this movie is about an obsessive fan who targets the ladies of the F13 movies. It's a total fan film, so the production values are pretty low. It's made on decent equipment, but it still comes off as amateur and uninteresting.

For some reason, Dee Wallace is the main character, even though she wasn't in any F13 movie, but they try to pretend that she was? I'm not sure on her connection because I zoned out a few times. I guess she's pals with the director, who funny enough is barely in this movie.

It's also funny how desperate Kane Hodder is to show other sides of his "acting" abilities. While his role as himself tries to do that by making him empathetic and kind-hearted, it falls flat, since none of the characters have any true weight to them. His appearance felt purely patronizing.

C.J. Graham is another Jason actor here who provides an okay brawl with the cliche villain. It's funny when Dee is speaking to him and they cut to her exclusively, and she's looking way up there on account of his height. lawlz.

It's a pretty boring movie overall. I almost gave it a 1 right off the bat, but I felt I should be fair. It deserves at least a 2, but where are the boobies? I feel like this movie wanted to have an impact of being meta in the sense of Wes Craven's New Nightmare, but it failed miserably.

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They/Them 2022

This movie is gay. Take that both ways. Literally and figuratively, I mean. It's at a conversion camp run by Kevin Bacon, and a bunch of LGBT garbage happens. And barely any of those fuckers get killed. Instead, most of the kills are of the staff members. I guess they thought people would be offended if too many gay people got killed in one movie? I know I wouldn't get offended. I'd find it hilarious.

There isn't much horror here, but there is My Girl Anna Chlumsky. Kevin Bacon doesn't do much in this movie, but he helps keep it from being rated a 1. There was a funny bit where one of the campers comments that she has the feeling that Jason Voorhees might appear.

There's a reason this one skipped theaters. It's trash, and not the good kind.

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The Black Phone 2021

This is a decent little movie by Scott Derrickson and Joe Hill. I say "little" because the scope of the movie seems very small. Sure, it deals with children, who are small, but it's also in a small town where people can go missing as often as they do and nobody can do anything about it. But don't get me wrong, they are little, and that's why the grabber wants them.

It's mostly through the children's perspectives, and they do a decent job. Plus, these kids are beating the shit out of each other, so it's great. Joe Hill inherited a lot from his dad's writing, including the theme of bullies, psychics, friendship, abusive fathers, and probably some other things. I can't vouch for any of the source material on account of my illiteracy, but the movie plays out pretty well.

There's a fair amount of buildup before the abduction plot gets going, but it feels right. What you wont get much of is Ethan Hawke as the grabber, but you can tell he had fun in the role. Kids would be scared of this guy.

Also worth mentioning is James Ransone. I love that guy. He plays an enthustiastic cokehead trying to solve a mystery.

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Halloween Ends 2022 - No Spoilers

This movie is different. Very fucking different. The teases likened the movie to Christine, which is a very valid comparison. I'd call this movie more of a psychological-drama/romance than straight-up horror. If you're expecting another Myers' rampage, you wont find it here.

Instead, what we're given is an interesting deviation to the normal Haddonfield formula. We get to see a different side to the town for a change. When they're not getting killed on Halloween night, they actually go to work and stress out about personal drama and whatnot. This movie isn't about Michael. Laurie and Allyson play big parts. Yes, that means Laurie isn't confined to a hospital the entire time. Even still, it's more about a new character, and that part I wont get into.

You're probably wondering about the lack of Michael, but don't worry. There are plenty of interesting bits about him. You'll see a very different side to his character, and that doesn't mean he's fundamentally different. He's still the same, but you'll see what I mean.

Initial reaction? Satisfied. It's not your classic Halloween movie by any means, but that doesn't mean it's not interesting. I didn't know where they were going with this for a while, but it all comes together. The ending didn't piss me off, either.

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Terrifier 2, 2022

After years of being postponed, the movie is finally out. But damnit, that delay was worth it for one specific kill. There was a featurette after the movie describing how the pandemic allowed them to flesh out a rather ordinary kill into some insanely excessive levels. It's such a cruel and sadistic scene, it's hilarious.

Art the Clown is a funny guy. I got a lot of laughs out of him, and I think a few others did too. There were about 10 in the theater, which is a decent turnout by today's standards, especially for an indiegogo funded movie. They featured some of the donors under the "special thanks" part in the credits, and that was a long-ass list, which explains why the movie was able to be as excessively graphic in its 2h18m runtime.

It's fucking disgusting. Great practical effects, and I like the way the movie looks. It's kind of a retro look, but still a pretty clean picture. And for all those font-enthusiasts out there, •crickets•, they use the "Massacre" font from TCM2 as their main font. I think they're trying to steal it or something.

The performances were good. I like the main chick. They put her through hell. They put everyone through hell. Except Felissa Rose, who only appeared in some brief scene at a school. She probably couldn't have handled doing any of the gore scenes.

FYI, there's a long mid-credits scene. Stupid fuckers in the theater sat through that gorefest only to miss more gore?

If you're a fucking asshole, you'll find this movie pretty funny.

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