Death Wish 3

The women die quickly and the men to do all the dirty work. People cheer after an old white guy shoots a black man in the street. The police encourage a vigilante to kill adolescents and delinquents. New York is really painted in a urban grit where gang violence has taken over. Does Paul Kersey really need a bazooka? Yes, he absolutely needs to fire one off in the boss fight, and Jimmy Page needs to score it.

Part of me entertained the idea to humanize the gangs, which isn't the movie's intention. I wonder how he would react if The Warriors were thrown into the mix. Would he kill them without hestitation like all the other scum on the streets? Or would he let them go back to Coney Island? Damn modern times trying to tell me the violent retaliation in this movie wouldn't fly at all if it were made today, but God bless the 80s.

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It's possible to make a good dirty movie

That's the mantra of Ti West's 'X', his 1979 rural Texas grindhouse throwback. It's a well crafted horror flick about dirty subject matter, which is sort of a commentary about the line between art and smut. I'll be vague with the story recap, but my plot description is as follows:

An amateur porn film crew is terrorized by the sex lives of old people.

It's also a bit like Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive. And regarding the old people, that's why this movie is gross. Old people are a gross, tragic bunch in this flick, and they're also a combination of senile, stubborn, and devious. Especially when they're in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre type of environment.

Jenna Ortega is so cute. She's on her way to being a scream queen, but we wont get to see her naked. Mia Goth goes topless instead, and she's our lead. Maybe that's an homage to Tobe Hooper's Funhouse, in which the leading lady in that one also provided nudity. Brittany Snow is also pretty chill about baring flesh. This movie has its fair share of nudity, but not all of it is good nudity, FYI.

Not really a spoiler: The prequel's teaser is the post-credits scene, set about 60 years before this movie. I suppose Ti West wanted to make good use of his setting, because it's ideal for an isolated horror show, which is X-actly what X is there to give you.

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The Batman Review

It's a wise choice to separate Batman from the rest of DC's shitty characters. The Snyder movies suck and Ben Affleck is a joke, proving that Batman works better as a standalone character. The most interesting part of Batman is that he isn't a superhero. He's simply very good at what he does, so there's no need to bog him down with magic and mysticism. He's an armored vigilante detective, and that's what this movie is all about.

From early on, I knew this movie was the type of Batman movie I wanted. Sure, the Nolan movies were great, but their version of Gotham is still pretty clean and sterile compared to the world Reeves creates. Nolan was said to have been inspired visually by Blade Runner, and while there's definitely a lot more evident Blade Runner aesthetic in Reeves' movie, I think it's safe to say he had an arguably stronger influence from Alex Proyas's The Crow. Gotham City nights are rainy, drenched in a black and orange Halloween palette.

The film begins on Halloween and lingers for a few days into November. Batman has established himself as a brooding force to be reckoned with, while Bruce Wayne is a recluse who has no time for his family business. None of the other movies tackled the idea of him being a detective, and that's who he always has been, first and foremost. Hell, he does hail from Detective Comics. He's never been so much of a detective as he was someone who conveniently cracked a vital clue on a whim. The Batman is a street-level crime noir about a Zodiac-inspired madman holding a city secret hostage while crime families get implicated. Batman gets into it with them, and a story unfolds.

It's the tone that really makes it. The film shows the underbelly of Gotham like we've never seen before. It's somber, hopeless, creepy, artsy, guerilla, and grunge at the same time. The casting proves flawless, and somehow, this movie does the unthinkable. It has a memorable score! Holy shit, Hollywood! Take a cue!

There are certain aspects of Batman mythology that are omitted. I wont point them out, but you'll notice their absence, but it wont bother you. You wont miss those aspects that can convolute the plot, because the pacing keeps you on track. It doesn't feel like 3 hours. I was waiting for a whole next act, which must mean that I didn't quite realize that I was at the end of the movie as it was ending, but maybe that's a good thing? Maybe it means Hollywood is starting to get experimental again? Maybe it means I'm dumb as shit?

One thing is for sure. This movie is an experience. There was a lot of hype over the last few years. I think people were willing to give Pattinson the benefit of the doubt, and even I wasn't sure about him once I saw the costume, but I began to love the design as I saw it in action.

Nolan's effort was a game-changer, undeniably. Once that comic-movie barrier was broken and these movies realized they could be more cinematic and less kiddie-centric, comic movies could be trusted to make both a high box office and favorable reviews. I don't think kids would understand this movie. They make toys and action figures for this demographic who probably wont stay awake throughout the whole thing, but this movie isn't made for them at all. The crew said it was pushing PG-13 to the limits, but we'd probably never notice what those limits are on account of the shit we watch. It never felt pussified though. I'm not sure an R-rated cut would have had much more of an impact than the version we got, but I certainly wouldn't oppose one. DC actually makes movies for adults, in case you've forgotten. If it's a Batman spin-off, they'll risk an R-rating, but I'm not sure we'll ever see live-action Batman himself in something greater than PG-13 because they want those youngins in the seats.

Way to go, WB. You've reinvented the same character for the dozenth time, and you STILL have my interest. Sequel? Yes please. Penguin show ordered on HBO MAX? Yes please. Collin Farrell is clearly inspired by De Palma and Scorsese crime figures, which is a great thing. Riddler was a total creep with a good twist, and Catwoman was sexy again. Anne Hathaway was completely unmemorable, so Zoe finally channeled the amazing Pfeiffer performance that everyone since has been ignoring. Alfred's there too, but he doesn't have much time to shine. Finally, the last notable character is Jeffrey Wright's Jim Gordon, who's basically as perfect of a fit for the character as Gary Oldman.

Subsequent viewings may easily confirm the idea that this movie will beat out the Nolan movies. It's Batman as he needs to be, without the Bruce Wayne subplots bogging him down. It looks like Chicago, but feels like a dream. The city really takes on a life of its own, and it's these vibes that make The Batman a great way to kill 3 hours.

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Nightbeast 1982

This Troma movie is mildly amusing. An asshole alien crashlands in redneck territory and kills everyone it comes across. A massive gunfight erupts in which several mobile rednecks fire against the stationary Nightbeast, who is blasting his ray gun recklessly and excessively in all directions. Of course, when one of his rays hits a human, the human glows bright before disintigrating, because that's the funny way to do it. So not only is this alien not moving from his spot, but his face doesn't move at all either.

Clearly, they only had enough money to sculpt a mask and some arm/hand pieces for this creature, who otherwise wears a silver space suit. They claim he wants to eat flesh, but he's a wasteful motherfucker on account of all the people he simply vaporizes instead of eats. If he isn't blasting them with his pew-pew gun, he's murdering them in violent ways, using his sharp claws to disembowel them or rip their heads off (which yields some humorously bad SFX at times).

Interspersed throughout the film are subplots, one involving some abusive asshole's desire to bang his woman if her attitude permits, otherwise beat her to death. Then we have a random "sensual" love scene between our ugly dullard sheriff and his blond fluezy deputy. She takes her top off to take a shower and clearly doesn't hide it from him, then when she gets to doing the dirty with him, she takes off her towel to reveal herself as if she didn't just do that a minute ago. She was a terrible actress.

So basically, a mostly impervious alien wanders around with no clear agenda as everybody panics and gets killed by it. Then our dreadful heroes decide at random that it can only be killed by electricity and boom. The movie's over.

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre... Again!

This is the third "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" film, though not to be confused with "Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Leatherface", which is not to be confused with "Leatherface". With franchises these days, the same-name titles tend to go: Original, Remake, Sequel to the Original only. This one can't quite be a true legacy sequel since all the original actors are either dead or irrelevant, but we'll take what we can get, huh?

So to avoid all the plot specifics, I'll say overall... I didn't hate it. I thought the setup was actually pretty good, involving a group of young go-getters out to renovate a ghost town, and that tends to anger some folk who don't like outsiders. From there on, it remains a rather well written horror show that's easily the most violent of the series, finally living up to its name.

Olwen Fouere plays our OG Sally Hardesty, who's got a score to settle with the elusive man she's been hunting for half a century. For a recasted legacy character, she does the best she can although her part is reduced to a side plot mostly. Her take on the character isn't too much of a rip-off of Jamie Lee's in the latest Halloween, but there are parallels.

Mark Burnham plays our new/old Leatherface, and he does it all right. I'm not sure exactly how hard it is to play the role of a lumbering brute, but he's ominous and plenty capable of physical damage. Partly sympathetic, partly an angry man as per the Platinum Dunes canon. When he kills someone, he makes it count, and he's got quite a body count.

The rest of the characters are good enough to not hate. I found the protagonists rootable, and the redneck was pretty gnarly. You'll also see William Hope in there from Aliens and Hellraiser 2 fame. The aesthetic and setting is nice, and the suspense is solid. I don't really have any complaints with it, and Netflix didn't hold back on the blood and guts.

IMDb gives it a 5/10, but I'd say it's better than the last few. What do you think of it?

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Gator Bait 1973

Unless they get her first... she'll never let them out alive! Gator Bait has a surprisingly interesting story going for it. The deputy and his redneck friend lust after a sexy swamp lady in her daily gator wrangling routine, but if she's crazy enough to be playing with alligators, you ought to know this ain't no ordinary woman. As soon as they make their rapist intentions known to her, she plays victim, speeding away in her motor boat until she baits them into her trap.

Snakes! Scaring the men into a panic, the dumb deputy blasts his gun into the boat, as well as his friend's head, and boy does he feel stupid and outwitted by a woman, and this will not stand! He tells his father, the sheriff, a completely different story. He says the woman killed the man! And she sunk his boat too! So the sheriff goes to tell the dead man's father, who has an assortment of hillbilly problems of his own, such as an irritable temper and an immediate need to discipline his incestuous son out to bang that man's daughter. And this is all in the first few minutes. Once he finds out that a woman killed his nitwit son, he's out for revenge with a lynch mob full of rapists, and the ensuing adventure is a sleaze filled cajun romp in the swamp.

I've been wanting to see this movie for years on account of my love of southern trash and rednecksploitation, but it never made itself common until I crossed it on Shudder. Not exactly a horror movie, but definitely something horror fans can appreciate, and a likely candidate for being an inspiration for rape/revenge films that followed, such as I Spit on Your Grave.

I'll keep my eyes open for the sequel, Gator Bait 2: Cajun Justice!

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There's Nothing Wrong with an F Cup

Whilst browsing Shudder's epic catalogue, I remember hearing about a zombie movie about a girl with big boobs going to a hospital for a reduction and then having to deal with a zombie outbreak instead. That movie is called Yummy, probably because she looks very yummy indeed.

The whole movie has her self-conscious about her breasts while everyone around her is telling her that she has a beautiful body and that she should be happy with what God and nature gave her. Then, the zombies come along and that whole plotline is surprisingly decent. I can't pinpoint why it doesn't seem stale, because it's the same old tropes, but somehow, it's better than most zombie shit. Higher production values, maybe? I suppose the adventure and progression of the protagonists trying to escape the hectic hospital was well done, and the characters were decent enough.

Our heroine's boyfriend is a lame nerd who ends up being the punching bag of the whole movie while another smoother asshole tries to steal his woman from him. Then you have some blackmail, people trying to deal with infections, paranoia about getting infected, goofy little frog monsters, and even a dick mutilation for good measure. Somehow, it makes for an entertaining romp and super gory mess of a movie, made even more watchable by the bountiful bosom of the main actress.

While the lead actress isn't actually a busty lady in real life, the prosthetics appear mighty convincing under her clothes. If the movie gets boring for a second, just look at her boobs and you'll forget.




In the end, all this shit happens because she wanted a reduction, which is never the right course of action. She wanted a B cup when "there's nothing wrong with an F cup". The moral of the story is don't get rid of big beautiful boobies or else you might die in a zombie apolalypse.

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Scream 2022 - No Spoilers

Due to the element of mystery of these movies, this review will have to be vague as fuck. When I saw the first trailer, it was so vague that my interest was very slim. When all these glowing reviews started pouring in, my curiosity grew a lot, and I had to avoid the damn internet like the plague because the stupid news articles are constantly trying to spoil things with their headlines, those dumb bastards.

So it's been 11 years since the last movie, though this entry is being set 25 years after the first film for good measure. We're back in Woodsboro and things are definitely different this time around. For one, this movie is the first entry not directed by Wes Craven, and for what it's worth, it's a nice change. If you know the last movies, the self-awareness could be a bit grating at times. It felt forced like it was trying to be hip to a bunch of viewers who none of us would ever find hip, but the meta factor is toned down to a reasonable level. I think the directors understood that line better than that quasi-hack the franchise has come to revere known as Kevin Williamson. I say he's a hack because have you seen The Following? Good. Don't. He gets too much credit as is.

Of course, there are still a few blatant nods to familiar horror films, such as a character named Wes, someone's last name being Carpenter, an Elm Street, and name-dropping a few horror movies (notably more recent ones in an effort to not suck the past's dick so much). But other than that, this movie isn't trying to trick you into thinking it's cool by use of excessive references.

With this film, you'll get plenty of callbacks to the original film. Not quite the sequels, because there's a conscious effort to point out how lame the sequels can get, notably with the in-movie Stab films, which had just premiered their 8th Stab movie, which even the characters in the movie seem to loathe. There's also a conscious effort to liken this entry to Halloween 2018's approach of trimming the fat and bringing in legacy characters. Thus far, we've had our main trio in every movie, and they're back again. Will they all be back for another Scream though? Find out for yourselves!

There were a few things I really enjoyed about this movie. I thought the characters were all good as well as their ties to previous characters, and while I'm not sure how the bodycount compares to the others, I think it's safe to say the kills are the most violent. Surprisingly, the other films never had any good shots of Ghostface since he was always so hectic and running around like a jackass all the time, but this one has him a little more collected, so kudos to the directors for finally making him look cool. What I liked most was one character's connection with the past, and I really can't even talk about it. You'll know exactly what I mean you see it though.

In the end, I'm very satisfied. Plenty of red herrings, but my random-ass guess of who the killer was happened to be correct. The finale was a lot of fun, and if this were the last movie in the series, it would end on a high note. If the box office is any indication, it wont end here. Maybe the next movie will be called Scream Kills.

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Hell House LLC II (2018)

I've been trying to squeeze in a few more found footage viewings before this month ends, and since I loved the first Hell House, I suppose it was time to check out the second.

What we have here is more or less the same. Another documentary crew goes into the Abaddon Hotel to investigate the disappearances of the last slew of victims and are quick to find themselves trapped in a hopeless situation. There were definitely a few creepy moments, but this entry did seem a bit more overt, and a lot of the effective scares were simply rehashes from the first movie. Does that mean I didn't enjoy it? No, it was entertaining enough. However, it lacks the impact of the first movie, and some of the frightening moments linger too long. You never want to get too good of a look at the ghosts, do you?

Still probably one of the better found footage movies out there, but the first movie still fucked with me more. I'll try to get the final movie watched before the month ends.

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A Generation Doomed: The History Of Nowhere



I watched this movie once... Ok, fine. I watched this movie a bunch of times way back when, and it was great! Seriously, this movie was hardcore! It had drugs and blood and boobs and fucking all over the place. This movie was "anti this" and "anti that", and there was a bunch of pissed off homos and super edgy references to the end of the world. Oh, and people wanted to kill themselves and stuff. Some actually did! Then there was this alien... Yeah. So, I don't know whatever happened to THAT badass flick, but an older version of me watched a movie called Nowhere the other night and it was pretty fucking silly. Sure, I saw this coming because I know I'm not who I was when I was a teen, as most of us aren't, but after this long-awaited rewatch, I just got to send an extra big •cringe• out to this one. This is for Nowhere!

Nowhere is from director, Gregg Araki, who is far from worthless. I was actually pretty excited about this one originally due to how much I liked his previous film, The Doom Generation. A movie that also hasn't aged wonderfully with me, but still far less obnoxious. Nowhere isn't quite as dark but seems to think it is. There is certainly a lot more to it, although nothing comes off quite as meaningful. James Duval returns as "Dark", a tortured/privileged high school kid who can't decide if he is torn up over his lesbian girlfriend being a whore or if he wants to blow this random kid named Montgomery. We'll say both for now. As obsessed as Dark is with his little friend, he seems to really love Mel, who also seems to really love Mel. I take it Dark is settling for an open relationship due to that being all he can get out of her at the moment. Dark is clearly frustrated with the situation as he constantly takes it out on Mel's girlfriend, Lucifer, who is never not present, and seems to take much pleasure in antagonizing Dark. Two people who wouldn't piss on one another if the other one was on fire, but it seems Dark hates Lucifer more as Mel is clearly her's more than Dark's.

Dark thinks he's going to die soon, but doesn't make a big thing out of it. He seems much more preoccupied with his many "problems", although Dark's pussified handling of the Mel situation is a genuine problem. At least he's trying, but simply blinded by love too much to notice how condescending this bitch is to him. Today, we are given a peak inside the lives of these people's circle of friends which includes drug addicts, sex fiends, masochists, bulimic little twits, and all around freaks who really just seem like a bunch of self-absorbed, L.A. twats who think they're hot shit.

Dark's buddy, "Cowboy", is tortured over his unreliable bandmate/boyfriend, Bart's heroin addiction. Meanwhile, some poor girl named Egg gets raped by some dude from Baywatch after being reeled in and convinced he was into her. So, that was definitely a dick move. The gang, including a very gawky Christina Applegate, go out to some park and play what they refer to "kick the can", yet appears to be "hide and seek". Well, regardless of what they're doing, it seems to be, more often than not, what they all like to do whilst on ecstasy. So, there's that. With all the drugged out fun being had, no one notices when Montgomery is abducted by Roscoe the alien. And while Dark realizes something has happened, he is way too distracted by Mel to care about anything else for very long. Although to his credit, Dark cares, and at times, almost seems to be the only one in the movie who even realizes this Montgomery person exists. It's weird.

This unusually chaotic Friday culminates with a party thrown by some weirdo named Jujifruit that we've been hearing about the entire movie as if he's a significant character, yet, we see him for a total of five seconds. I was really hoping we'd get to know him a little. A fairly anti-climactic party up until a drug dealer named handjob gets beat to death with a can of tomato soup by a disgruntled client. Handjob wasn't the only one of these twats to die this evening. Some didn't even make it to the party. A televangelist, played by John Ritter, has been encouraging twats to off themselves all night with his words of wisdom. Our only hope for a happy ending now depends on Dark and his would-be butt buddy being reunited, but don't hold your breath for anything going anywhere except nowhere.

I mean, I get it. It's mostly a commentary on youth growing up way too fast, yet not growing up at all. It's a demented, somewhat psychedelic-inspired take on the idea, which is cool. And I suppose everyone's behavior has something to do with all the talk of the potential end times which is brought up more than once. Honestly, I'm not even positive that anything about these people is even being portrayed as negative. Either way, I just find it all incredibly unlikable and obnoxious at this point in my life. Much like Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers, it all just feels like Gregg Araki fooled himself into thinking he had made something far cooler than what actually got made. In my opinion, there's nothing to be found here that is any deeper or more profound than your average mainstream comedy from this era. While still good for a few dark laughs here and there, Nowhere is still every big as shallow and meaningless as the twats it's attempting to satirize.

James Duval isn't so bad in this. Dark lets his so-called girlfriend make a bitch out of him, but he still ends up being less twatty than everyone else. Ultimately, this character comes off like a less spineless, slightly more grown up version of his character from The Doom Generation. Gregg Araki must have a thing about bi-curious beta males getting their hearts played with by their whore girlfriends. Interesting with all the "end times" references how Mel's girlfriend on the side is named Lucifer, who Dark probably blames for his woes. Not Mel and certainly not himself. It would be a lousy situation to be caught up in, but it's hard to give Dark too much sympathy, especially considering his growing obsession with mysterious gay kid.
I suppose the unusual amount of cameos/mainstream cast members should be addressed. Aside from Christina Applegate and John Ritter, Nowhere also flaunts appearances by Jordan Ladd, Guillermo Díaz, Ryan Phillippe, Heather Graham, Beverly D'Angelo, Mena Suvari, Rose McGowan, Shannon Doherty, Traci Lords, David Leisure (LoL, remember him?), Christopher Knight, Eve Plumb, and of all people, Charlotte fucking Rae! Why? Why were all those people in this? Why so many references to the end of the world with seemingly no pay off? And what exactly does that alien have to do with any of this? Aw, who cares? They're all twats, anyway. The alien included! 4/10



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