Jack Frost 2

What better way to start off the Halloween season than to watch a Christmas movie set on a tropical island? Since I have the worst taste in movies, this is a no-brainer.

For no reason, a group of scientists revive the killer snowman from the last movie, and he somehow manages to travel 2000 something miles to a Caribbean island resort where our sheriff and his wife are taking a vacation. The first movie was dumb, but this one is definitely dumber and with shittier effects.

The kills are funny. Is that swimsuit model not excited enough? Here's some ice for her to rub on her nips. Evil ice! And that stupid guy with the eye patch made me laugh due to the redundant stock music that accompanied him. Naturally, the only way to one-up a movie about a killer snowman is for him to have multiple killer snowman babies, right?

In a bizarre and unfortunate twist, I looked up the lead actor Christopher Allport who plays the sheriff in both films and found out he died in 2008. Cause of death? A goddamn avalanche! Did Jack Frost win? 😟

#Review

The Sentinel (1977)

I wont get too long winded here, but this was a pretty decent flick. It has one hell of a cast if you haven't noticed with the leads being Alison (Cristina Raines) and Michael (Chris Sarandon). Alison moves into a Brooklyn apartment and things get weird quick.

This is a religion horror in the vein of Rosemary's Baby, complete with an apartment setting and weird neighbors, both based on books released within 7 years of each other. It's fairly engaging, and though it gets a little slow in the middle, it comes back full swing with a crazy ending. Also, did I mention the great cast?

#Review

Dollman (1991)

Tim Thomerson stars as Brick Bardo, a police officer from another planet who finds himself in a quarrel with his robotic head of a nemesis that flings the both of them to New York City. When he gets there, he quickly learns that like most Full Moon features, this one involves doll-sized characters... and he's the dollman!

New York City is a funny place. The Bronx here looks a lot like the gang lands in Los Angeles, doesn't it? And it doesn't help that so many of the gang members are latino, but NY? LA? Who cares? Those are both places that are only good to escape from anyway.

This one is surprisingly watchable due to Thomerson's tough guy approach and Jackie Earle Haley as the gang leader who wants to blow up the east side with a space bomb he gets ahold of. Despite that guy being in some shitty movies, he's not a bad actor.

Dollman isn't the only short thing about this movie. The runtime is only 81 minutes. Surprisingly with our protagonist being so damn short, there are very little effects to cash in on this. A lot of it is suggestive, but it isn't necessarily bad effects. Fortunately, I just found out that there's a sequel, where he goes up against... more small Full Moon characters... the demonic toys!

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Shot-On-Shiteo: The Gift That Keeps On Giving



There was this noticeably generic slasher I saw on TV a long time ago called Bloody Murder. A while back, I was thinking about it. Mainly trying to remember what it was called, and whether I even liked it or not. Like I said, It had been a while. I just remembered watching some slasher (and its sequel) on TV back in the early 2000's, and for some reason, I got curious enough to try and seek it out. My search eventually led me to a movie on Youtube called Camp Blood. As it would turn out, Camp Blood is NOT Bloody Murder, but for some reason, I thought that was the one I had found. Bloody Murder is a bad Friday The 13th ripoff, and Well... I guess Camp Blood kinda is too. As I sat down and watched this unfamiliar SOV movie, it didn't take long to realize that this wasn't it. And it didn't take long after that to not give a shit. Who needs Bloody Murder when you have Camp Blood in your life?

My first clue that this wasn't the movie I thought it was the fact that this didn't at all seem like something that would ever get played on TV. Being more amateur and shot-on-video, Camp Blood looks and feels like something out of the old Sub Rosa (now SRS) catalog. It all feels a little thrown together, and includes a story we've heard too many times already, but ultimately, this isn't a hard one to sit through compared to many. In Camp Blood, we have four young people headed out to the woods for a weekend of camping. The obvious final girl and main character, Tricia, has reservations about this already, and expresses such to her boyfriend, Steve, before they even leave the house. Too late I guess, because their slightly obnoxious friends are on the way to pick them up. Jay is a preppy little dickwad, and Nicole is his blonde bimbo girlfriend who looks like Hayley Duff. Neither of these two come off like they'd ever be caught dead out in a place like Camp Blackwood, but here they go.

The preppy little dickwad hired a guide as this is a place one could easily get lost. Jay is displeased when Harris the guide turns out to be a chick because there is just no way a girl is going to know her way around this place. Harris quickly proves Jay wrong and proves herself to be his equal as a dickwad pretty early on, with obnoxiousness not far off from that red-headed, wildling bitch from Game Of Thrones. Yeah, I said it! While somewhat physically abusive, the lesbian makes herself useful as she does seem to know her way around these parts pretty well. As the journey gets going, we're spared anything remotely interesting for a while. We watch the five walking to their desired destination with some light bickering between confrontational Harris and insecure Jay. We watch them collect firewood and complete other dull tasks while setting up camp. Harris watches the preppy little dickwad make out with his blonde bimbo and get called out on it. She doesn't care. She must have a thing for Hayley Duff.

Later that night, Harris tells the story of why locals refer to this area as "camp blood". Years earlier, Stanley Cunningham caught his girlfriend getting it on with someone else, and as revenge, took them both out to these woods and brutally murdered them. Doing so in a clown mask. Stanley Cunningham was never seen again, but some claim to have seen a guy in a clown mask wandering the woods over the years. Not to mention all the unexplained disappearances. Of course we the viewer know the fucker in the clown mask is near by because we saw a scene earlier where he killed a couple of people. Everyone calls it a night and goes to their tents to get it on, but of course Harris likes to sleep under the stars because she's hardcore like that.

The next morning, we have a bit of a problem as someone has gone and set Harris on fire, burning her alive, somehow without waking anyone up. Everyone's pretty traumatized by this, especially Jay's main squeeze who goes catatonic for a while. Nobody really cared much for Harris, but everyone is in agreement that this is fucked up. It soon dawns on everyone that the only person who knew how to find their way out of here is now beyond well done. This is around the point where the clown makes his presence known. And finally, something happens!

It is beyond me how I went as long as I did without hearing about this one, especially considering the unusual amount of sequels it has spawned. Brad Sykes made Camp Blood in 1999, and soon thereafter made a sequel, which very much feels like the same movie. A few years later, Sykes would make a movie called Into The Woods, which apparently is an unofficial sequel for some reason. And a few more years later, the floodgates would open. In 2014, Mark Polonia of the Polonia brothers came out with Camp Blood: First Slaughter, the real (?) part 3. After this, someone got the idea that way more people love these movies than actually do because at least one Camp Blood sequel has been released for every year since. This includes a compilation movie including all the sweetest kills, entitled "Camp Blood Kills". Most of these sequels have been from the surviving Polonia twin, which is probably for the best. Some of these movies are pretty bad, but some more watchable than others. I wouldn't say the original is THAT much more superior, but being a bit older, there is a noticeable old school tone to it for anyone who is into that. If none of that is good enough, there's always Bloody Murder, I guess. 4/10



#Review

Vigilante (1982)

Robert Forster plays an honest family man until some hoodlums molest his wife and blow his son's head off with a shotgun. Yikes!

What's even worse is that Forster is sent to prison for contempt in court after venting his frustrations to the judge who clearly doesn't give a shit so long as he's paid off. Obviously, something has to be done, and if not by the law, then it must be some good ol' fashioned street justice!

With the help of his buddy played by Fred Williamson, we're taken on a field trip through the grimy places of New York City, since director William Lustig wouldn't have it any other way.

Pretty decent stuff with a few surprise moments. You even have Joe Spinell in a minor role as yet another sleazeball. This was made in the era of Death Wish II and various other gang movies, so if you like any of those, you can't go wrong here.

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Class of 1999

Mark L. Lester directed both Class of 1984 (1982) and Class of 1999 (1990), but this one can stand on its own. In the crime dystopian future of gang violence in schools, Principal Malcolm McDowell joins forces with weird-eyed banana-eating government scientist Stacy Keach to test out these violent new teaching androids, played by Patrick Kilpatrick, Pam Grier, and John P. Ryan.

Bradley Gregg (puppet guy in Elm Street 3) plays our prison-paroled high school student battling rival gangs, junkies, security beatdowns, and a budding romance with the principal's daughter. What a cool guy.

Alas for him (thus fun for us), these teachers waste no time turning to violence as discipline, and when computers are involved, things should always go wrong to make the story interesting, and it is a fun romp. EDUCATE? DISCIPLINE? It should be 50/50, but it's more often than not DISCIPLINE.

This movie definitely had Terminator vibes toward the end. Robot endoskeletons fighting people in a factory setting? Check. I also love Patrick Kilpatrick as a villain. He ended up giving a solid portrayal as an actual T-800 in TSCC about 20 years after this movie. I also remember some sites using stills of him from this movie as a depiction of the T-600 before, which isn't too far off.

Pam Grier and John P. Ryan also seem to enjoy themselves in the role, playing smug sadistic robots. For some reason, these robots are programmed to enjoy it, adding an extra layer of weirdness. Ah, the old movies of dystopian futures past... don't you miss 'em?

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The Art of Self-Defense 2019

This movie came and went in the theaters pretty quickly, so there wasn't much buzz on it. Eisenberg plays an awkward office nerd who gets beatdown by thugs one night and decides to better himself by taking a karate class.

I think Cobra Kai was making karate cool again, but this movie never seemed very cool by the looks of it, but then again, that's because Eisenberg himself is never supposed to play cool guys. I'm not very cool either, so I could sympathize with his pathetic tendencies to avoid conflicts. I actually found myself invested pretty early on, and it only got more interesting. Especially when the movie takes a dark turn in its second half.


Well, I liked it. Plus, it has Imogen Poots. Her name is funny, AND she's a good actress.

#Review

The Hot Chick

Racist, sexist, and homophobic. 10 stars.

#Review

Stepfather III (1992)

Oh my... this one was laughably bad. My buddy was ecstatic to show me just about any VHS he had on his 6" TV/VCR combo, so we went with this. The first two movies were all right on account of Terry O'Quinn playing the titular psycho character, but this one doesn't have him. Instead, this one has some other guy who gets plastic surgery to justify the recasting, and that's the only good/gross part of this movie. The rest had me turn into one of those rifftrax assholes who makes fun of the movie the entire time, and I'm not proud of it.

Priscilla Barnes is the new lady of interest, and she has a wheelchair bound son (who's cause of being in a wheelchair made me lol). For some reason, this kid is always hanging out with a priest and he's always trying to solve mysteries with a shitty old 90s computer that he insists on letting his pet turtle walk all over. I wanted to smack this kid senseless.

The movie plays out as you expect, with our antagonist/hero gradually going crazy and killing people that threaten his stupid family existence until the kid, having not used his legs for years, ignores muscle atrophy and musters up the courage to walk and fight back against this subpar stepfather who isn't conscientious at all. He'll kill people basically in public, get blood all over himself, and in the very next scene have no blood on him at all. This neighborhood is oblivious, just like the screenwriters. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even have a scar on his chest from when he got stabbed in the fucking heart at the end of the previous movie. Also, when he bangs women, there's no nudity. It's super gay, just like everything else about this movie.

#Review

The Ramones Movie

Roger Corman gives us this high school comedy about students just trying to rock when the new principal is a tight ass who hates anything with a beat. Naturally, she has to hate The Ramones!

If you didn't already know it, The Ramones are great. Apparently, they weren't the first choice for the band in this movie though. They wanted Todd Rundgren, Cheap Trick, Devo, Van Halen.. fuck it. Let's just use The Ramones!

So our main character is P.J. Soles and she's pretty hot in this movie. She's a Ramones super fan (apparently not before starring in this movie though) and strives to give her new song to the band, "Rock and Roll High School". There are some other side plots in the movie, including one where Clint Howard gives a guy dating advice. That's pretty laughable when you think about it.

During the 21-day shoot, Dee Dee Ramone got arrested for fighting with a roadie, overdosed in jail, and wound up in Cedars Sinai Hospital with a $3,000 medical bill.

Despite playing a high school student, P.J. Soles was 28 when the movie was filmed, and was actually older than three of the four members of the Ramones.

The Ramones are actually kinda ugly, too. Fortunately, this movie doesn't care, much like the attitudes of The Ramones themselves. There's no glue-sniffing in this PG movie, but there is cocaine!

When all is said and done, the movie is entertaining enough, but I feel like I'm going to forget most of it by tomorrow, and that's not because I've been drinking all day.

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