...and blood covered boobies. Dread Central gives us this Christmas/Krampus horror flick, which should tell you right away that there will be a strong emphasis on gore, comedy, and shitty cliches to represent all the reasons why non-horror fans dismiss the genre for being stupid and lazy. This is Slay Belles, and I'm still not sure why there's an extra 'e' in "Belles".
Our story is pretty thin, featuring three cosplay girls who go into a rundown Santa-themed amusement park for some social media material, only to run into the malevolent Krampus and the jolly old (biker) Santa, fortunately played by Barry Bostwick to keep this movie at least somewhat entertaining.
The main girls are Alexi (Kristina Klebe, who seems to have a thing for holiday horror), Dahlia, and Sadie (who's apparently an actual cosplay/influencer Hannah Minx), and these girls are written as paper-thin characters, but at least they like to showcase their boobs, because what else have they got going for them?
For a movie executive produced by Darren Lynn Bousman, you would expect more gore, on-screen kills, and maybe just a tiny bit more nudity, but nope. The budget for this turkey must have been pretty low if none of that could be accomplished, but whatever. You can tell right away that this movie is going to be dumb as shit, and if you expect anything else from a Barry Bostwick movie, you better get the fuck out of here.
#Review
Paul and Mary Bland are about as conservative and straight-laced as a married couple gets, at least in this neck of the woods. Paul and Mary have big plans to get away from Hollywood as soon as they can save up enough money to start their own Restaurant out in the country. "Paul And Mary's Country Kitchen", they'll call it. However, saving up for this business is easier said than done with such outrageous bills and Mary's low-paying nurse job. And Paul recently getting canned doesn't help. The normal pressures of life is one thing, but these two have just about reached the end of their rope with the local swingers always hanging around their apartment building. A bunch of degenerate perverts with no respect for anyone's personal space, whose mere presence often freaks out the Blands. Perhaps they misunderstand these types a bit, but as we all know, people tend to fear what they don't understand. And one thing the Blands don't understand is people who like to fuck.
One night, right before an important dinner guest arrives, an unusually pushy swinger from a near by party barges in the Bland's home, looking to more or less rape Mary. Long story short, this cock sure swinger gets a frying pan to the skull, killing him instantly. Paul didn't mean to kill the drunk idiot, but there he is. A corpse is now laying in the middle of the Bland's kitchen and their guest now knocks at the door. Strangely, Paul and Mary aren't exactly traumatized by what just happened. They're way too worried about what the hell their next move is going to be because it needs to happen now. Whatever that is, they'll be doing a little better financially, as Paul just found hundreds of dollars in the corpses wallet. So, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The Blands actually had a shockingly easy time solving this problem with the corpse. After a few more run-ins with some swingers, including another self-defense/murder/payoff, this otherwise passive couple start thinking. Since these apparent sub-human's lives absolutely do not matter at all, why not find a way to kill them regularly? I mean, since they seem to be loaded and all. Charge them out the ass and then take whatever else they have after they're dead. So, Paul and Mary put an ad in the paper, offering role playing services to swingers, or basically anyone who wants to get it on, I guess. There is, of course, no intent of things getting too out of hand, but with Mary getting them all hard and distracted, Paul could easily slip in and bash their skulls in with the frying pan. It's not like it's real murder either because fuck them. And hey! Mo Money!
And without a second thought or one bit of self-awareness, the Blands totally do this. Making a killing off the blood of the not-so innocent. Things go smoothly enough until the Blands get mixed-up with a guy named Raoul who worms his way into their little operation. At first, Raoul makes things more professional and profitable, but soon sets his sights on Mary, whose legs are easier to pry open than one would think. Mary isn't particularly fond of Raoul, but has no problem smoking up his pot. Raoul soon falls for Mary and quickly decides Paul must go, as he is the only thing standing in Raoul's way of not only the woman he loves, but much more money. Paul catches on to this, and has a few tricks up his sleeve, as he tries everything from tricking Raoul into thinking he's going to get deported to drugging him impotent. It was a nice arrangement while it lasted, but it soon becomes apparent that someone isn't going to make it out of this alive.
I'm pretty sure this is what they call a dark comedy. Not the darkest of the dark, but in my book, one of the best of its kind. The darkness is subtle and the story just a little detached from reality in sort of a John Waters kind of way. Directed by and starring Private Parts director, Paul Bartel, along with Mary Woronov of Silent Night Bloody Night fame. These two, as awkward of a married couple as they made, were really great together in this. Paul was a little more convincing as the "stuffy, buttoned-down type", but that's not a knock on Mary's acting ability by any means. Paul Bartel just looks like a big, gawky fuck who would faint at the sight of a wet cooter. I'm sure he knew this because why else would he cast himself in a role such as this? Mary Woronov, on the other hand. This was definitely a unique role for her, as some of the others I've seen her in we're quite different (see Sugar Cookies). Robert Beltran plays the slippery and greedy Raoul, who certainly pulls his weight as well.