The Rental (2020)

Dave Franco's feature length directorial debut is a horror movie, and it came out in 2020. Yeah, movies are actually coming out this year, can you believe that? This one is about two couples taking a weekend in a rental house, and you know something bad is going to happen.

Charlie (Dan Stevens) and his girlfriend Michelle (Allison Brie) are one part of the equation, and Charlie's brother Josh (Jeremy Allen White, Lip from Shameless) and his girlfriend/Charlie's business partner Mina (Sheila Vand) are the other half. The man who rents the home to them is Taylor (Toby Huss from Halloween 2018) and they're iffy about him from the start. Things go smoothly for the first night, but a somewhat foreshadowed twist occurs, and it only gets worse from there. That's as much as I'll say about this, because to say anymore would spoil everything, and you really ought to see how this one plays out.

This was a pretty solid debut with decent tension and loads of foggy atmosphere. Our leads do a great job and play solid characters and once the horror kicks in, it doesn't go easy on our protagonists, even if it's short-lived.

I do feel that the movie leaves me a bit unfulfilled at the end, seeming rather inconclusive, but for what it is, I thought it was a good effort.

#Review

Shot-On-Shiteo: Rape & Aerobics



So, how 'bout those 90's Martial Arts flicks? Those were a thing, right? Best Of The Best 2 was pretty sweet, huh? That Cody from Step-By Step kicked some ass in a few movies if I remember correctly. Who could forget the Code-man? I saw this movie recently that really could have used a little of that guy's coolness. A terminally uncool movie that still deserves a little love simply for being so positive in such a negative world. So, today, I give a little love to a movie called High Kicks. An obscurity that likely went undetected by most everyone upon release and beyond. You may not know it, but there are actual shot-on-video flicks out there that are not of the horror (or porn) genre, which actually seems a little wrong to me for some reason. I've come across a few over the years, but a martial arts movie? Definitely a new one on me too. However, bear with me. This gets good. And by that, I, of course, mean dumb enough to hold your attention.

So, anyway. We've all been there, haven't we? At one point or another, we've all longed for that special someone to come along to not only encourage us to fight back against our tormentors, but to teach us how. Not all of us are lucky enough for someone like that to ever show up, much less appear out of nowhere like Sam. However, for Sandy, she would soon find much more than some advice or encouragement. Soon, Sandy will gain confidence, along with vengeance and good times with new friends. And along the way, romance with a pretty, blonde beau with an epic mullet, whose free-spirited nature just might be able to be tamed. More on that later, for today is a new day for Sandy. Today, Sandy's "Knight in shining armor" walks into her life, narrowly missing the gang of ethnically-diverse rapists who just finished up having their way with her once-tight vagina. If he had made it there sooner, it would have been helpful, but Sam's a chillin', carefree guy who gets there when he gets there. However, Sam does assure Sandy that if he had been around, the rape would not have gone down. And I'm sure that helped a great deal.

So, Sandy owns and runs the "High Kicks!" aerobics studio, while Sam, a sailor who is merely passing through, has just scored a short-term job working for her. And as Sam learns the disturbing news of his new employer's rape, he pitches the idea of teaching her how to prevent future rapes. Not wanting to ever feel so vulnerable again, Sandy takes Sam up on his offer, and being a pro at aerobics, she just knows this Karate stuff will be a cinch. A scene or two later, and we are finally clued into the fact that Sandy is a bit of a retard. Sam takes her to see his two friends who also practice the martial arts regularly, and when Sandy sees them sparring, she about loses her shit. And once Sam joins in the training, Sandy is convinced it is the end. Poor girl is soon clued in on what sparring is and that these guys are long-time pals of Sam's. So everyone likes each other, now!

Strangely, one could almost wedge this story into the rape-revenge category. However, it's all just very watered-down and comes off suspiciously PC at times. Nobody actually dies but Sandy and Pals eventually go around L.A. looking for members of the rape gang, and in some really badly-executed scenes, the Karate guys teach them a little lesson. They don't fuck them up too awfully bad. Just enough to let them know that rape isn't cool. As Sandy witnesses this while learning her own self-defense, she starts to feel better about everything and soon regains her confidence and then some. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Sandy and Sam bond over Sam's confession that he too was once raped by a bunch of dudes. He also learned the martial arts as a way of protecting his tight little hole. And as far as we know, Sam only has ONE of those, so, he really has to be on his game at all times.

Sandy and pals beat up rapists, hang out and drink beer, joke around a lot, and great! Everything seems more or less settled with a good half hour still left. Sandy throws around the idea of inventing "karobics" by merging karate with aerobics. That goes surprisingly well, actually. The story randomly starts focusing on Sam not knowing how to take the romance further with this chick who couldn't possibly be making it easier for him. Sam is pressured into going on a date with some aerobics floozy, putting him in the doghouse with Sandy for a while. Eventually, things are worked out with Sandy and her new beau celebrating with a round of hot, consensual sex, which we never see because of course we don't. And for some reason, they felt the need to throw in some last-minute subplot with Sam trying to figure out how he's going to make his brother's wedding on such short notice. Don't ask me...

Well, if you happen to be a fan of the SOVs as well as martial arts flicks, I suppose I owe you a big "you're welcome". Otherwise, never mind any of this, because I'm sure it would take being a fan of both to have the patience for it all. But seriously, I don't exactly believe in "guilty pleasures", but I'd put my money on this being someone's, for sure. Me? I'm down with this shit in the most healthy way possible. Sure, it's super lame, but given the right frame of mind, this level of lameness and ineptitude can be a real treat. Sam's flowing, golden mullet being at least 1/3 of said treat. And his uncanny resemblance to Dave Coulier is truly the cherry on top. Who knows? I guess someone back in '93 just wanted to make a good-natured martial arts flick on video. There's something awfully naive and almost sitcom-like about this movie and its characters. They all might have come off somewhat endearing had they actually developed a little and had been played by actors, but hey, they're nice. It's just a nice movie. Not everyone needs to go around cutting dicks off, anyway! 3/10



#Review

47 Meters Down... again!

The first movie was alright. Cage-diving gone wrong with some ridiculous circumstances attached, but enjoyable. With its box office success, a sequel would be guaranteed, but they changed it up a bit. This time... it's uncaged!

I'm not sure the 47 meters down bit holds any relevance anymore, but the same director is doing a survival shark movie, so we're not supposed to overthink it as it isn't really connected with the first movie at all.

This time around, some attractive school girls decide to ditch a windowed boat tour of sharks in favor of exploring a recently discovered Mayan cave on the coast of Mexico. Two half-sisters are involved and their dad is head explorer on the project, but he's unaware of this rendezvous and is a bit farther away from the girls, but not out of plot's distance.

As the girls explore the underwater caves, an accident collapses their entry tunnel and they're stuck in there... with a goddamn shark!

The progression isn't bad. There are a lot of points that the movie could have turned into a complete mess, but the director didn't want to piss people off. He wanted to tease them a lot that he would piss them off, but he opted against it, and I was so close to thinking the movie was going to end in a godawful way, but I walked away thinking... not too shabby.

#Review

Humanoids from the Deep... 1996!

16 years after the original trash epic, a remake surfaced from the depths of tv-movie hell that's been relatively obscure until youtube came to the rescue. This one changes the plot a bit to revolve around convicts that are mutated into sea monsters, but it still utilizes a lot of the same ideas (and footage) from the original movie. Chemicals are still being used to grow salmon in a beach community, and a few of the scenes are very reminiscent of the original.

Hell, the whole climax uses a lot of the festival footage from the original movie, but it's done in a half-assed way. Our protagonists are there to find the monsters and go into a mirror maze, and they keep cutting away to external carnage at the fair that our heroes have nothing to do with. But I digress...

I don't know about you, but I really like the characters in the original movie. This time, our hero is Robert Carradine. He's reluctantly associated with Mark Rolston's asshole character who's been pouring hormones into the water to make the fish grow. Justin Walker protests this with his do-gooder friends while trying to make it with Carradine's daughter, and that sets the stage for our main set of characters.

The progression here isn't too bad. It's not exactly boring, but it isn't exactly thrilling most of the time either. This was a tv movie, but there is gore, nudity, and bad language, but it never outshines the original. One thing that this movie does have that the original didn't: small roles by Clint Howard and Walton Goggins!

The creature design is a bit different this time around, but it's mostly the same. However, the stock footage cuts to the original monsters a few times, and the difference is definitely noticable.

I used to think that I had seen the original on tv when I was a kid, which prompted my obsession with Humanoids, but I know now that it was this movie I had seen. It's an easy mistake, considering a lot of the same footage is rehashed, but I know for certain because this one featured underwater caves in which the monsters gestate their women, which is what I remember most about the version I saw as a kid.

So that's one more I can scratch off the ol' watchlist. Was it worthy of its namesake? Not really, but nothing can beat the perfection of that sleazy 1980 exploitaiton classic.

#Review

So, anyway. Speaking of racism...



There are a lot of theories on what is racist and what isn't. Or who is the most racist and who might have a right to be. I'm not here to attempt to clear up anything for anybody, as this subject isn't my area of expertise, and not a subject I find all that entertaining. Although when it comes to comedy, all bets are off for me. There are plenty of dark subjects that CAN be funny. Not always, and especially if not timed all that great, but it's a thing, nonetheless. They don't call it dark comedy for nothing, and ultimately, comedy is comedy, which only has one purpose. Today's movie is a comedy, and at times, it may sound like a dark one, but I'm not so sure after watching it. And as you probably gathered, racism plays a big role in making this movie what it is. However, don't let that turn you away because it all comes from a good place in the end. Denzel Washington's first role, in a very unlikely comedy for the times, and one that has been lost to the ages of sorts, but deserving of some love now more than ever. This is Carbon Copy.

Walter Whitney is currently living the good life, as he's been doing for some years, now. In a way, the good life, and in a way, a cold, lonely life without love, laughter or support. Walter walked away from the woman he loved years ago in favor of the family he is supposedly now part of. A wealthy, powerful family that has provided him with a place in the company and in their gated community. And in a way, in their lives, while treating him with just enough respect to keep him around. Walter doesn't ask questions. He just goes to work and enjoys the good life, considering himself lucky that he doesn't have to bust his ass for what he gets. Maybe if Walter actually thought about things, perhaps he'd realize that he doesn't really belong here.

Things are soon about to change drastically for ol' Walter. And when it's all said and done, he just might come out of it a better, wiser man. However, there may be some growing pains along the way. One day, a 17 year old black kid named Roger Porter, drops by the office with some bad news. Roger's mother, the woman Walter left all those years ago, has died. While Walter clearly doesn't care much for the young man, he is noticeably upset by this. Almost as upset as he is by the news that Roger is also HIS son. When Walter left Lorraine, he didn't know it, but he was leaving his own family. His real family. Comfortable with his current surroundings, Walter isn't in the mood to be rocking any boats. He has to figure out something, and fast because this kid seems to think he is owed something. While he's not super close with any of them, Walter knows his wife and her father well enough to get that this simply will not fly.

Roger, who is a total smart ass, by the way, isn't shy about suggesting adoption, but Walter won't hear of it. Instead, he thinks up a plan that might get Roger's foot in the door while he figures out what to do about this. Walter tries convincing the wife that they should partake in this trendy program where rich families take in "colored orphans" for the summer. The plan works, as the wife is cleverly talked into seeing this as an attractive offer. Things go smoothly until the wife and step-daughter make it clear that Walter ultimately has no say in this or anything that goes on in the house. Angered by such arrogance, and eager to make a point, Walter blurts out his secret. The young black kid they're letting sleep in the garage is actually Walter's son. Stupidly thinking this news would increase the level of hospitality, Walter is clued in on a cold, hard truth he probably already suspected: Walter is considered very much expendable by everyone in this family, and if he was to get too out of line, well, he might just find himself homeless... and jobless!

I'll just say it. As nonchalant as they are about it, it's pretty obvious that Walter's family are not only a bunch of racists, but apparently blatant white supremacists. It's almost like they think that by associating with this kid that they're giving the entire race an advantage it doesn't deserve, screwing up the natural order of things. A belief that they supposedly stand by so strongly, they would be willing to cut one of their own loose. However, it would probably take far less for them to send Walter packing, and that's actually what bugs him at first. Not so much the racism, but the principle. Walter is soon informed that his cushy job is no more as his credit cards are confiscated. And if that wasn't enough, Walter eventually learns that every single paycheck he has earned for the last 17 years was put in an account which is in the wife's name, only. Jobless, nearly penniless, his lawyer won't help him, his friends shun him. Apparently, there were entire communities in 80's California that hated black people THIS much. As Roger observes all of this, seemingly clueless, it becomes clear that Walter is screwed.

With poverty ahead of him and a seemingly dependant, smart ass son following him around, Walter has to dig down deep and figure something out quick. After surprisingly no luck finding work, Walter ends up settling for hard labor. This earns him just enough for him and Roger to live like shit while Walter waits for the kid to reach adulthood. Maybe while Walter is rebuilding his life and dignity, he will also learn a thing or two about himself, as well as a lesson in equality. And with a little luck, maybe Walter will find some happiness along the way.

Yeah, I'm not convinced Denzel was the best pick to play half-white but that's neither here nor there, and he was pretty good in this, just the same. You get the idea his character is smarter than he lets on, but you're never sure to what extent. Roger is just pushy enough to make things a little more difficult for Walter, but never without a smile. This is one unique film with an unusual commentary on racism. I have to say, I found it all quite interesting and very much worth talking about. When reading about this movie, I wouldn't have expected all the racism to be expressed so dryly and casually. And George Segal's character of Walter makes the humorous aspect of it all work well. While never treating his own son more than half-civil for obvious reasons, Walter still has the nerve to play the sole victim in this story. A story about a man so stubborn and proud, he will stop at nothing to prove that he can make it without the insecure tyrants who so easily casted him aside. All this for refusing to cast out the blackness from his life. As we the viewer watch Walter continuously fall on his ass, we wait patiently for him to get over himself. To move past his own damaged pride enough to realize exactly how wrong all this really is, and that maybe he's not the only person to ever be treated unfairly. All I can say is this movie doesn't disappoint on any level. 6/10



#Review

Coscarelli's Beastmaster

In the days of my dvd obsession, I was always open to blind-buying the Anchor Bay disc of this movie because I enjoyed Don Coscarelli's work after watching Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep, but this title always evaded me. It fell out-of-print, so I was screwed.

Thanks to Amazon Prime, I was able to catch this movie over dozen years after my initial interest, and I figured it would probably underwhelm me at this point in my life. I'm happy to say I was wrong. This movie was a lot of fun.

Back in 1982, Conan the Barbarian was taking all the glory for the swords and sorcery scene. Arnold was buff as fuck, he had his floozies, and he cut people apart with a sword. What more could you ask for? A few months later, Beastmaster came out, and maybe it was overlooked because it wasn't the first. It has a lot of parallels in regards to story and visuals, but it also has one thing that Conan didn't have: a PG rating.

PG, huh? Keep in mind that this was before PG-13 existed, but even so, this movie would be a hard PG-13 by today's standards, likely jumping straight to an R because of at least three sets of titties. Tanya Roberts plays the protagonist's love interest, and the first time we see her, she's bathing topless in a lake where our hero plots to have his animals steal her clothes so she can run around trying to find them, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start with the plot first...


Rip Torn is our antagonist in a role not unlike that of James Earl Jones from Conan, plotting to kill the king's unborn son so the prophecy that this kid will destroy him doesn't come true. The son is magically transferred into a cow so it can be led elsewhere, gutted, and an old hag can kill the kid. A traveler witnesses this and stops her, raising the boy as his own. This kid has an affinity with animals and is able to communicate with them, thus being called the beastmaster. Years later, Rip Torn leads an attack on the now grown beastmaster's village, leaving them all for dead. That's when the beastmaster embarks on a journey to get his revenge.

Along the way, he gathers a party of animals and humans, fights a few monsters along the way, and infiltrates the lair of his nemesis to duke it out with him in what plays out in a fantasy epic nature that's plenty entertaining.


This was quite an ambitious project for Coscarelli after his low budget moody atmosphere piece Phantasm. There's a lot of animal coordination going on, heavy set design, makeup, costumes, stunts, and visual effects. He wanted to make a fantasy epic and he did it. It's got a lot of genre tropes and it works. It also has some good horror vibes too, even at a PG rating.

When it comes to pushing boundaries, this movie gets away with a lot for its rating. It has blood and violence, dead bodies impaled on spikes, boobs, child sacrifices, and even incest. Good job, Coscarelli!

#Review

Shocking Dark: The Aliens of Italy

Oh boy... Even the description of this movie regards it as a blatant rip-off of Aliens. It's such a rip-off in fact that I'm surprised they didn't get their asses sued for this shit.

What we have here is a story about a dystopian Venice where the water and air is polluted and people don't go outside. The majority of the film takes place in an industrial setting very reminiscent of the colony in Aliens. We also have a team of marines working with some evil corporation for some reason, and before you know it, you have some goofy looking monsters coming out of the woodwork.

These aren't aliens mind you, but some kind of mutant that kind of look like the humanoids from the deep mixed with some laboratory made monsters from The Return of Swamp Thing. They have facehugger-ish things, they cocoon you, and shit bursts out of your chest. How original!

We follow this group of soldier characters for a while, and they are total clones of the marines in Aliens. We have the Captain/Vasquez, a Hicks, a Hudson, a Drake, and even a Ripley and a Newt knock-off. Then, we have a mash-up of Burke and Ash from the first movie, who just so happens to be a replicant and thus our Terminator rip-off too. After all, one of the alternate titles for the film is "Terminator 2", even though this is essentially a dumbed down remake of Aliens. So many scenes are directly lifted from Aliens, it's not even funny.


I would say that 80% of the screenplay is taken from Aliens, 10% from Terminator, and the last 10% is bologna. In a typical Italian fashion, the filmmakers didn't know what the fuck they were doing when they made this trash. They were simply trying to cash in on whatever was popular at the time, and the movies that make up the basis for this turkey are awesome, so what could go wrong?


I imagine the conception went something like this:

The crew finds a decent location and says to themselves, "Hey, this looks like the setting from that movie Terminator!"

"Oh, you mean 'Aliens', right?"

"Yes, Terminator! And that's what we'll call our movie!"

So they watched Aliens (not Terminator) and wrote a transcript of that, lost a few key details in translation, and filled the holes with bologna. Mind you, the execution is somewhat entertaining, but so very inferior to the movies it homages that you might as well watch the real deal instead of this Italian misunderstanding.

Everything about this movie is unoriginal. The setup, the characters, the progression, the "twists", and the ending. If they can get away with it, anybody can, but the real question... is why bother?

#Review

Tales from the Darkside - Season 2

I finished season 2 earlier today and might say I liked it more than season 1.

---

s2e01 - The Impressionist - directed by Armand Mastroianni
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716989/

A guy who's good at impressions is asked by top secret government officials to attempt communication with an alien that crash landed on earth. The alien itself is pretty goofy looking, but it goes through the motions. Eventually, it's revealed that the government wants to learn about its fusion power source, so the impressionist better figure out how to communicate with it, or the government's muscle will break his legs! Okay episode at best, with a rather inconclusive ending.

s2e02 - Lifebomb - directed by Frank De Palma
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716957/

An irritable businessman meets with an insurance salesman who has a bizarre death-preventative measure to offer called Lifebomb. When in danger, it'll cocoon you into a morphine/oxygen-rich shell to keep you alive. However, this guy isn't entirely healthy and tends to set his off too often until he's a weak and bitter man who wishes he could die, but he's unable to cancel his insurance. I rather enjoyed the bleak outcome of this one.

s2e03 - Ring Around the Redhead - directed by Theodore Gershuny
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716971/

John Heard recounts his last few days before he is to be executed. When an earthquake opened up a bizarre crater in his place with a ring that controls dimensions, Penelope Ann Miller comes out speaking in tongues. He assimilates her to his world and gradually falls in love with this alien creature, only things don't seem to work out for him when his business partner gets greedy about this whole mess. Or do they? Not exactly a dark episode.

s2e04 - Parlour Floor Front - directed by Richard Friedman
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716967/

A couple of landlords lament the rent-controlled tenure of their voodoo tenants. They want him out and plot his eviction, though they aren't honest in their methods and things go too far. Pretty decent episode with a few good twists.

s2e05 - Halloween Candy - directed by Tom Savini
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716946/

An irritable old asshole refuses to give out candy to trick-or-treaters on Halloween night. He hates those young whipper-snappers and simply refuses. His son even gives him candy and advises him to hand it out or else they'll vandalize his house, but does that old fucker listen? Take a guess.

Tom Savini puts forth a good effort, providing this episode with some good costumes, atmosphere, effects, and homages to Creepshow's "They're Creeping Up on You" skit.

s2e06 - The Satanic Piano - directed by John Harrison
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716997/

A musician struggles to find inspiration and is offered a satanic piano by some dirty old creep. It helps him come up with music, but when his daughter (played by Lisa Bonet) gets involved, things go sour and he realizes he's made a mistake in accepting the instrument.

John Harrison's score is reminiscent of Day of the Dead. Partly cheesy and partly charming.

s2e07 - The Devil's Advocate - directed by Michael Gornick, written by George Romero
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716984/

No, this isn't the Keanu/Pacino story, but another one about a bitter asshole who gets what's coming to him. Jerry Stiller is a radio show host who's become disillusioned by his bad luck and annoying callers and finds himself caught in a barrage of bad callers. Things only get weirder as it goes on, and he gradually begins to resemble a werewolf.

s2e08 - Distant Signals - directed by Bill Travis
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716935/

Lenny Von Dohlen from Twin Peaks proposes the revival of an old failed private-investigation show with Darren McGavin. Nobody has faith in this show since it was cancelled mid-season, but he guarantees them a certain audience, but not in this country.

This wasn't a dark episode, but it was a rather good statement on how certain audiences will appreciate your work even if it isn't mainstream.

s2e09 - The Trouble with Mary Jane - directed by T.J. Castronovo
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0717003/

Lawrence Tierney and his irritable wife run a supernatural fortune-teller/ouiji type business that isn't working out well. When they get a legitimate call to investigate a possessed girl, there's no doubt about it. This girl is full on Pazuzu possessed, and they want to cash in on it!

I think Tierney is fun to watch, and this is one of the more goofy episodes, but it's still got some great Exorcist gags and gimmicks and a good ending.

s2e10 - Ursa Minor - directed by Theodore Gershuny
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0717008/

An episode about a killer teddy bear. Yeah, they didn't have any good ideas when they came up with this one, and it doesn't even have a conclusive ending. This one sucked.

s2e11 - Effect and Cause - directed by Mark Jean
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716939/

Susan Strasberg (the hottie from The Trip and Psych-Out) plays another drug-raddled artist who experiences some crazy changes in reality after painting over some ugly canvas pictures. Things disappear or mutate before her very eyes, and nobody seems to believe her. Fairly good episode with an appearance by Gary Hershberger from Twin Peaks.

s2e12 - Monsters in My Room - directed by James Steven Sadwith
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716961/

Young Seth Green is afraid of the monsters in his room, and his drunken asshole step-father wants that nerdy kid to be more into sports. Junior needs to overcome his fears, as well as his step-father by pitting him against the monsters. Okay episode.

s2e13 - Comet Watch - directed by Warner Shook
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716933/

A stargazer is anxious to see the long awaited return of Haley's comet, but his nagging wife would rather him go to dinner with her for a social event. He tries to put her off, because this comet comes only once every 70 something years, but she cares not about his desires. When he looks through his telescope, a woman emerges from it, having ridden the comet in its last bout in 1910. She suffers from time displacement confusion, but the main dude quickly falls for her. And then another man comes out of the telescope... Sir Edmund Haley himself, played by Twilight Zone/Creepshow alumni Fritz Weaver. A rather light-hearted episode, but plenty entertaining.

s2e14 - Dream Girl - directed by Timna Ranon
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716938/

This was a surreal episode of a stageplay crew being stuck in a man's fantasy. It has some Elm Street themes with dreams and dream warriors trying to fight against a common enemy. Good stuff.

s2e15 - A New Lease on Life - directed by John Strysik
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716921/

A man gets a dirt cheap lease at a seemingly great apartment. The place seems less great with the more restrictions his landlady places upon him and his habits, and she's also so wasteful! She throws so much food away, and her maintenance guys are real dicks! Take a guess as to why you can't put pictures in the wall. This place is something else!

s2e16 - Printer's Devil - directed by John Harrison
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716969/

A struggling writer turns to a fat business warlock to get work. Sure, he gets money out of it, but he has to sacrifice animals as per the fat man's request. He also has to make ends meet with his new girlfriend, who's sick of all these damn animals. Our man has a choice to make... and it's not a good one. Decent episode.

s2e17 - The Shrine - directed by Christopher T. Welch
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716998/

This one was a bit strange, and I'm not sure I fully understood it. A young woman returns home after suffering from a "breakdown", and her mother has mentally replaced her with a child-like entity that's supposed to be symbolic of something. It's not bad. Hell, it's kind of interesting, but I don't quite understand the symbolism?

s2e18 - Old Soft Shoe - directed by Richard Friedman
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716996/

A lingerie salesman stops at a motel and some weird shit happens to him in the room he stays in. I feel that this episode might have been an inspiration to the failed pilot for Bates Motel, which in itself started off as a weirdo trying to restart the Bates Motel, but it sidetracks into a strange subplot about someone staying in haunted room with a suicide subplot. This particular episode has a few parallels to that, and it's decent albeit predictable.

s2e19 - The Last Car - directed by John Strysik
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716990/

A woman takes a train home for the holidays, only it's a weird cursed train that never seems to get there. The plot seems like it's going somewhere very interesting, but in the end, the writers prove that they had no real plot for this episode and it turns into some lame garbage with no real merit.

s2e20 - A Choice of Dreams - directed by Gerald Cotts
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716920/

Abe Vigoda plays a dying mob boss who is given a chance to dream forever. He contemplates the $10 million option for a while before accepting it, but considering everybody hates him after all the bad things he's done, perhaps this might not be the best option...

s2e21 - Strange Love - directed by Theodore Gershuny
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716977/

Patrick Kilpatrick is asked by a woman's husband to help her after she breaks her leg. He is then held captive as a familiar when he learns that these two are vampires. The male vamp is a real dick who only wants to use the good doctor until his wife is better, and then he'll feed on him. The woman, however, begins to fall for the studly doctor because her husband is such a tool. On his last day before becoming supper, the doctor and the woman conspire to turn the tables on the the mad vamp through a passionate love affair. Pretty good episode.

s2e22 - The Unhappy Medium - directed by Dusty Nelson
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0717004/

After a con-man televangelist dies, his sister, niece, and partner bicker over the will, each having different views of what's fair in regards to what they deserve or don't care to take. When the old man possesses the niece on and off, the trio find themselves locked in limbo between heaven and hell as they try to sort through the madness. Another decent episode.

s2e23 - Fear of Floating - directed by John Lewis
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716942/

Howard 'Bub' Sherman walks into a desperate army recruitment base with lead boots on his feet to ask them for protection. He says he escaped from the circus because he has an uncanny ability when he takes his boots off. He floats! However, he cannot control the floating, and when the so-called circus comes to collect him, they weave a different yarn about him. The conclusion to this one is pretty interesting.

s2e24 - The Casavin Curse - directed by Frank De Palma
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716980/

A woman wakes up in a bloody room with a dead body. Police and psychologists think she's too innocent to do this, but she knows better. She knows that she has the Casavin curse, which means you'll murder anyone you fall in love with. It plays out rather predictably, but it's a fairly satisfying episode.

---

Faves of the season were Halloween Candy, The Trouble with Mary Jane, and Distant Signals. The worst ones were Ursa Minor and The Last Car.

#Review

Terminator: Grrl Power!!



So, am I to understand that Terminator: Genisys is no longer a thing? No longer a consideration within the Terminator universe, I mean. The thought of another sequel coming along and erasing Genisys always sounded reasonable to me, but in this case, maybe not...? If not merely a fitting finale, Dark Fate was always an opportunity to get the T-train back on the tracks, which, even originally, seemed very unlikely for many reasons. However, after watching Terminator: Dark Fate, I'm afraid we've now strayed further than ever. Well, sort of. As usual, it's complicated

Yep, Genisys never happened. Neither did Salvation. And the machines have yet to rise. However, Judgement Day is still around. They're letting us keep that one, along with the original, of course. But back to T2. The events from that movie happened as we remember them, but it's what happened shortly thereafter which changed everything we are familiar with. After Skynet's existence was literally wiped out in T2, it somehow continued sending back Terminators to take out John. And you know what? One finally got him. In a scene filled with CGI goodness, we witness something that looks almost like a cut scene from T2. We see what appears to be young Linda Hamilton watching in Horror as young Edward Furlong is blown away by a T-800, who looks kind of like Arnold, but, of course, is not. So, Skynet is gone, John Connor is gone, and... Alright, then. Great start!

Fast forward to present day Mexico, and we got a familiar series of events with two naked Terminators showing up from the future. One good, one bad. The bad one is something called a Rev-9. Those things are like T-1000's if they were made of tar instead of that cool, silvery liquid stuff. This thing is proven to be a bad sonofabitch pretty early on. Far more advanced and dangerous than the T-1000, actually. As it would turn out, the good one isn't really a Terminator at all. Grace is some type of cyborg-human hybrid. The third time they've attempted this in the series, and coincidentally, the third time they've also attempted a female Terminator. That is, if you count the TV show. Who do they want to kill/protect? Who the hell is left? Well, some chick, apparently. The Rev-9 nearly ends some chick and her brother, but Grace comes in at the last second and takes down the Rev-9 because she's a girl and girls can do that... If they choose to, I mean. They don't have to!

Taken down but not out, the Rev-9 recovers in record time. Some chick's brother gets taken out pretty quick, but he's a guy, so, no loss there. Grace and some chick come pretty close, themselves, but are saved by none other than Sarah Connor, who is, once again, being portrayed by Linda Hamilton. A very prepared Sarah just about blows that Rev-9 thing to hell, but only weakens it enough for everyone to get away. After getting ditched, Sarah catches back up with the girls and soon learns a few things: First and foremost, Skynet is indeed gone. Sarah and her son really were successful, which is really confusing, because what's with non-existent Skynet sending back more T-800's from a non-existent future? I'd really like someone to explain that to me how that works. Anyway, Grace has no idea what the grumpy old lady is going on about. Sarah learns that some other AI system will eventually be developed, which gives way to a similar Judgement Day, eventually giving way to a similar resistance. However, it's totally different because it's not called "Skynet". It's called "Legion". And as it would turn out, Legion is not after some "new John Connor" that some chick will give birth to ... Wait for it... Some chick is the actual target! So, shame on all you sexists who assumed that the only thing special about some chick was her uterus.

So, why is Linda Hamilton in this, again? Her character is more or less an obsolete relic from an obsolete reality that can't decide if it exists or not. Just hanging around, making snarky remarks. At least that hasn't changed since Genisys. Sarah makes mention that Terminators, yes, Skynet's Terminators, never stopped being sent into the past. Sarah reveals getting a "heads up" via text from an unknown source every time this happened, giving her the upper hand and making it possible to take out every one. Same story with the Rev-9, which is highly unusual. This unknown source, who Grace has also been instructed to seek assistance from, turns out to be none other than that same T-800 that killed John over 20 years ago. His name is Carl, and he's got a wife and step-son, and somewhat of a personality. And you know what else? He gets it. He gets what he did to John was a dick move. Carl gets that this hurt Sarah, and he's genuinely sorry. Carl wants to make things right, as he's been trying for years. Sarah says "fuck off, Carl". However, he's too valuable of an ally at this point, so, Carl sticks around to help Grace and some chick figure things out while Sarah pouts over her dead son. And after being portrayed as naive and unprepared for her fate the entire movie, some chick then suddenly snaps out of it. Some chick is now the warrior she was always destined to become, taking charge, getting everyone in the zone for one final battle with the Rev-9. Because sometimes chicks can do that.

What is it going to take for someone to finally take this franchise fucking forward? This isn't normal! Salvation sucked, but at least it kept the story going, as opposed to running around in circles like Genisys and Dark Fate. Just remake the original already and get it overwith, you assholes! Why put this once great franchise through all this? You can't add all this remakey shit and still keep the old stuff around. It makes no sense, even for a time travel movie. And I thought Genisys was pretty bad, but looking back... Yeah, ok. Pretty bad! Yet, as far as Terminator sequels go, I can deal with Genisys a little better. Genisys is almost like hanging out with an old friend you haven't seen in forever. You realize you missed old friend more than you thought, which gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling, even though they've clearly changed some. Dark Fate is like a new friend you don't know very well, but they have qualities which you find appealing and familiar. You don't fully trust new friend, but still have a blast hanging out with them. Those two films CAN be seen as similar in a way. Both have a bit of a "what if" thing going on, much like a fan film. Genisys implies alternate timelines, where as Dark Fate almost seems like that's what they were going for, but I don't think they were. It's hard to tell exactly what they were trying to do here. Personally, I find it all more enjoyable to pretend this is just another timeline.

Before I lay into this movie some more, I do want to point out that I really did enjoy it. Terminator: Dark Fate is a crazy, fast-paced action flick that turns out to be a lot of fun, though a lot to take in, at times. They came up with some pretty cool stuff for the Rev-9, building it up as a far bigger threat than any Terminator before it, even though it was technically not a Terminator, because that's a Skynet thing. And Grace wasn't such a bad character. Not annoying at all, actually. I think they got the human-Terminator hybrid down nicely this time. And ultimately, this IS a Terminator movie, so, I can't not love it. However, it all turns out to be a hollow, meaningless experience, mostly due to lazy writing and atrocious continuity.

An entry which not only strays further from the tracks, but goes the extra mile, destroying said tracks and building entirely new ones in the exact same spot for no real reason. All the while pretending to be a fresh take on the whole thing. It's only fresh or different on the surface. Legion IS Skynet and some chick IS John Connor. However, they don't go by those names, so, it's hard to get as invested in this as one could be. They really dropped the ball, excluding John Connor simply because he didn't fit into the "girl power" narrative they were obviously going for. It does seem like appealing to the woke crowd and turning this into a "feminist circle jerk" was a far bigger priority than making it the respectable follow up it was promised to be. And this could easily be the final installment, making it all the more unfortunate. But I suppose it's far more important to prove to the world, once again, that girls can do anything boys can do. Even be John Connor! 5/10



#Review

Robot Monster 1953 - B-Movie Trash

Oh boy, where do I start with this one? Get ready for some spoilers, because I can't not go into detail about this sci-fi mess of a movie.


The film begins with little Johnny and Carla playing space explorers while out on a picnic. Soon, he stumbles upon a cave with two scientists, known simply as Professor and Roy. When Johnny's mother comes to collect them, everybody seems to get along just fine...
Suddenly, there's a bunch of lightning and lizards are fighting! Dinosaurs are about and the world goes to shit!


Some amount of time seems to have passed and the world is in ruins after the Ro-mans have destroyed all humans. All 2 billion of them. Only five or so people are left, and they live right next to the Ro-man robot monster's cave and he doesn't even know it because they live in an electrical forcefield that renders them invisible to him.

Ro-man is a big monkey looking motherfucker with a clunky tv/scuba thing on his head, and his mission is to destroy all humans. Naturally, he has a hard time accomplishing this because he's a bulky fat piece of shit who can't find the humans that are living right under his nose.

Throughout the movie, he can't find them even when they're simply standing right outside of his cave, complete with two minor pieces of electrical equipment that he seems to utilize because that's probably all the budget could afford.


Professor and his thick accent conspire to destroy Ro-man throughout the movie, all while daughter Alice and leading man Roy are flirting about. Roy talks about milking her and she talks about playing with him and then the two are on about fixing some circuit for some reason or another.

Clearly, they're just poking some busted electronic equipment with some other busted equipment and pretending that they're actually doing stuff, but they're not fooling anyone, and they can't even get it to work. This is all just filler to signify human's persistence or something. I don't know, and they probably don't know either.

Desperate for a truce, they aspire to communicate with Ro-man, but he only wants to speak with Alice. Probably because she's the hot one. However, leading man Roy wont stand for it and ties her up for her own good!



This hour long movie comes with an intermission so the audience could stretch their legs and snap out of their stupor, and when it returns, Johnny runs away just so Alice can be set free to look for him with Roy. Even though he isn't sweating, Roy takes off his shirt and keeps it off for the rest of the movie.

If anyone is sweating in this movie, it would have to be the guy in the big hairy suit who's clearly too out of shape to pose any real threat to those who can easily outrun him. All he can do half the time is shake his fist at people as they run away from him, but that's beside the point.

As Roy and Alice are gallavanting about in search for the stupid kid, they decide to get married, even though they're on a time-sensitive mission to escape from planet earth or some shit.

Everyone takes a break from the dire situation to partake in this dull festivity and Roy and Alice then go on a honeymoon, simply a klick away from everyone else. Meanwhile, Ro-man easily catches little Carla and strangles her to death. Mother cries about it, but nobody else seems to give a fuck.

Roy and Alice encounter Ro-man and fight him for a couple of seconds until Roy is thrown off a cliff and Alice is captured and brought back to the Ro-man cave, getting conflicted thoughts about his orders because he wants to bang this human woman.

Roy returns to warn professor during Carla's apathetic funeral and then he dies of exhaustion or whatever, and that's when Johnny hatches a winning plan to mislead Ro-man as the others rescue Alice and make Ro-man vulnerable, and Ro-man's superior shoots lighting from his fingertips from light-years away and destroys Ro-man and revives a bunch of dinosaurs during an earthquake and the whole world dies again.

In the end, it was all a dream and everybody lives happily ever after. Or do they?!

This was easily one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen. It was so bad that it ruined the director's film career and he tried to kill himself, but he even fucked that up. If you want some mesmerizing garbage, watch this movie that's often considered one of the worst films of all time.

#Review