Tales from the Darkside - Season 1

Here's a recap of all episodes from season 1. This is my first time watching the show and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Can't wait to start season 2.

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s1e01 - Trick or Treat (1983) - directed by Bob Balaban
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0717007/

This is a Halloween take on the old Scrooge story about a guy who collects debts and enjoys the suffering of others if he can come out on top. He has a haunted house rigged up with all kinds of spooky sound effects and fans behind curtains to scare the shit out of children. One of the men he's wronged sends his kid in there to look for those IOUs he's hidden about the place so he can clear his debt, but the old Scrooge doesn't let this one get by him. Instead of learning a valuable lesson at the end, this asshole goes straight to hell.

s1e02 - The New Man - directed by Frank De Palma
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716994/

After impressing his new boss with his good work ethic, Alan Coombs is offered a drink. Alan doesn't drink anymore, so boss man drinks both of the drinks and that's that... or is it? The next day, Alan's young son Jerry comes to see him, but wait a second... Alan doesn't have a son named Jerry?! Throughout the episode, he's driven mad by this ruse that everyone seems to be playing along with. He's been drinking again, hasn't he?

s1e03 - I'll Give You a Million - directed by John Harrison
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716950/

A couple of rich old bastards make a slew of bets against each other. One of the men offers his soul, because why not? He doesn't believe in any of that, so he's got nothing to lose. Right?

This story has echoes of many common anthology stories, primarily "Something to Tide You Over" from Creepshow. This episode was directed by John Harrison, who has directed 8 episodes in this series and has a knack for doing horror anthologies in general.

s1e04 - Pain Killer - directed by Armand Mastroianni
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716966/

A man with back pain finds no rational explanation for it from doctors until he meets a different kind of doctor... one who suggests that the man's wife is the reason he suffers so much. What's the remedy to this dilemma? Take a guess.

s1e05 - The Odds - directed by James Steven Sadwith
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0394938/

Danny Aiello never refuses a bet, because he never loses... until Tom Noonan walks into his neck of the woods and owns him.

s1e06 - Mookie and Pookie - directed by Timna Ranon
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716962/

A twin girl finishes her terminally ill brother's computer project, and it begins to disturb her parents when she gets too into this project. Tippi Hedren plays the mom. Not particularly a dark episode, but it has a weird charm to it.

s1e07 - Slippage - directed by Michael Gornick
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716974/

David Patrick Kelly is a graphic artist whose existence is put to the test when people seem to forget about him. Even his own mother doesn't recognize him! Maybe there's a rational explanation, but probably not.

s1e08 - Inside the Closet - directed by Tom Savini
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716953/

A girl rents a room in a fancy house from a guy I recognize from Creepshow and Twilight Zone. She thinks there's a rat in her room, but maybe it's something worse.

This was a bit more effects heavy than the other episodes. In this one, we get a couple drops of blood. Whoop-dee-doo. I understand this was regular tv back in the day and it had to be tame, so this isn't a criticism. It's a decent episode with an interesting monster.

s1e09 - Word Processor of the Gods - directed by Michael Gornick, written by Stephen King
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0717005/

Bruce Davison is a writer who inherits a new word processor. However, this word processor does more than write stories. It writes reality! Pretty good episode. Gotta love those retro computer effects.

s1e10 - A case of the Stubborns - directed by Gerald Cotts, written by Robert Bloch
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716919/

Christian Slater and his mom are mourning the death of old grandpa, but when he comes walking down the stairs for breakfast, they don't know what to make of it. He's dead all right... but that stubborn old fuck wont take dead for an answer!

I quite enjoyed this episode, particularly the ending. Something about it is sort of funny, but sort of haunting at the same time.

s1e11 - Djinn, No Chaser - directed by Shelley Levinson, written by Harlan Ellison
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716936/

A guy and his new wife (Colleen Camp) stumble upon a genie lamp. However, this fucker doesn't want to grant them any wishes. He's just being an asshole! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays the djinn. Not very dark, but more of a comedy episode.

s1e12 - All a Clone by the Telephone - directed by Frank De Palma
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716923/

Beep Beep Richie has been trying to get a job through his agent Dick Miller, but he's had a string of bad luck. He also has a faulty answering machine that's been telling people off. When the machine gives him attitude, he disconnects it, but then it starts to disconnect his life. This is some weird alternate dimension type stuff, but who's in what dimension?

s1e13 - In the Cards - directed by Theodore Gershuny
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716952/

A phony fortune teller comes across a deck of cards that gives everyone a bad reading. Sometimes deadly. This one ends abruptly and it seems off, like maybe the writers didn't know what to do and said fuck it.

s1e14 - Anniversary Dinner - directed by John Strysik
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716924/

A lonely older couple dwell on their anniversary and how much they miss their children. When a few hikers stumble across their home, they think nothing of it... until it happens again. Then, they offer room and board for the pretty polite girl, and well... I don't want to say much else. The ending to this one is actually pretty good.

s1e15 - Snip, Snip - directed by Terence Cahalan
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716975/

Bud Cort plays a loser satanist who wants to win the lottery with his magic number: 666666. Why he feels so lame is beyond me, because this dude is sitting around in a robe drinking booze in a fancy looking place, but he still seeks his due. However, his super ultra satanic magic lottery number... doesn't win. Carol Kane's magic number, 666667 does. How can this be!? A pretty decent episode. Entertaining at the very least.

s1e16 - Answer Me - directed by Richard Friedman
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716925/

An actress in a New York apartment is harrassed by a serial phone caller... in the next apartment. Apparently, weird shit happened there before, and it's likely to happen again when you're just another tale from the darkside! The lead actress was in a great episode of Twilight Zone, too.

s1e17 - The Tear Collector - directed by John Drimmer
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0717002/

Jessica Harper is so sad. So sad that a man notices and wants to give her therapy sessions so she can cry, and so he can collect her tears. Huh... what a weirdo, but somehow, he's charming her enough that she wants him, but he only seems to want her tears.

This one ends up not being much of a darkside story so much as it is a consolation tale. Not bad, but different.

s1e18 - The Madness Room - directed by John Hayes
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716991/

An older man with heart problems has a young attractive wife that he feels unfit for. When another man comes along to talk business with the guy, they decide it's a good idea to bust out the old ouija board, learning about "the madness room" inside the house and trying to find it. This one had a good ending.

On a strange side note, I looked up the main actor Stuart Whitman, who was supposed to be playing an "old" character in this episode from 1985, and strangely enough, he died on March 16, 2020, only days before I watched this episode...

s1e19 - If the Shoes Fit - directed by Armand Mastroianni
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716951/

A politician gradually becomes a circus clown. Perhaps a metaphor for the democratic party?

s1e20 - Levitation - directed by John Harrison
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716956/

Joe Turkel plays a circus magician whose greatest trick was a levitation act with no strings attached. Two young men seek the secret to his act, but he doesn't want to reveal the dark magic that allowed it, but when push comes to shove, he just might...

I liked the ending of this one. It's kind of funny, but rather bleak at the same time.

s1e21 - It All Comes Out in the Wash - directed by Frank De Palma
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716954/

James Hong is a laundry man who can wash away people's sins. One businessman takes advantage of it his esoteric process by breaking the rules laid out for him, so take a guess what happens? Something bad, obviously.

This one was kind of stupid. In all honesty, I didn't quite understand the correlation between this man's conscience and his excessive need for clean laundry, as he seems to be changing his shirt far too often.

s1e22 - Bigalow's Last Smoke - directed by Timna Ranon
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716931/

Bigalow wakes up and boy, does he need a smoke. He could have sworn he left one in the dresser drawer, but it's not there. He searches all over his apartment, but they're nowhere to be found. Furthermore, nothing seems to be working. TV static, no dial-tone, and the windows and doors are barred!? A man on the tv tells him he's free to go, but only when he stops smoking. How hard could it be for a man who's been smoking several packs a day since he was fifteen?

This one was pretty good. The main dude has been in some mafia stuff and he kinda looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme. You can somewhat sympathize with him, but you know he needs to take things more seriously. You can spot the twist coming, but it's still a fun one.

s1e23 - Grandma's Last Wish - directed by Warner Shook (the gay dude in Creepshow and Knightriders)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716945/

Grandma, is a nuisance for her family. She doesn't want to be, but her inability to hear things and her fuck ups annoy the shit out of them and they want her gone. In comes the talk of sending her to the old folk's home, which doesn't sound like any fun to her. The family says they'll make her last week at home a good one, working to grant whatever wish she has. She only wishes they could understand her plight a bit more, and they do. Oh yes they do... This episode was pretty amusing with a fun ending.

s1e24 - The False Prophet - directed by Gerald Cotts
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0716986/

Ronee Blakely from Elm Street fame is a southern gal who stops in an Oklahoma cafe for all beef dogs, because she likes all beef dogs and astrology and machines. She takes them too seriously, and this place has an astrology machine that tells her to beware of false prophets. When the strange stuff happens, she listens to the machine whether she ought to or not, and if it's something from the darkside... perhaps you shouldn't listen to it.

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"The darkside is always there, waiting for us to enter. Waiting to enter us. Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight."

#Review

Dumb & Dumber: Those Basket Case Sequels



What is it with sequels which come in 2's? They're like a couple of asshole twins who think they're special cuz there are two of them. No, you're both weird, and there should only be one of you. Or maybe none in some cases. Like, for example, The Toxic Avenger 2 and 3, where Lloyd Kaufman accidentally films 4 hours of footage, and not to be wasteful, made two sequels out of the intended one. A lot of good that did him. Well, financially, sure, but Toxie was a little twat in both those movies. Or what about Sleepaway Camp 2 and 3? Both filmed pretty close together, I could think of a dozen generic slasher titles that would have been more fitting for either, but no, of course not! They insist on riding the coattails of a good movie. Entertaining at times, but come on! Really? She doesn't even resemble Felissa Rose. And then there's Frank Henenlotter's Basket Case sequels, which probably should have happened in the 80's or not at all. Let's talk about those for a while, I remember it like it was yesterday. 12 year old me starring down at those boxes for the first time in my favorite video store, I considered this very much good news. Because who doesn't love Basket Case, right? And this would be my first (and second) time getting burned by a sequel.

What do I personally dislike about these films? The tone, for starters. Being from a whole different era, the tone, partially due to the camera quality, just couldn't be more different. More on that later. So, how did we get here? Sure did look like Duane and Belial were dead, and now, they're telling us the Bradley twins survived that fall out of Hotel Broslin's third story? Fine, we'll see how it goes. Duane and Belial are rushed to the hospital, and I'd imagine the authorities have some questions waiting for them both, but as usual, Belial has other ideas. Belial enters Duane's mind and gets them both out of there, but is immediately intercepted by a new friend who will soon change their lives.

All Granny Ruth and her granddaughter wants is to bring Duane and Belial back to their place so they can heal without being locked up afterwards. Granny Ruth is an old friend of their aunt, so, they just go with it for now. After they're well enough to deal with some shit, Duane and Belial are clued in on exactly what this place is: Granny Ruth's house serves as a freak sanctuary. This weird lady has a thing for freaks and she quickly invites Duane and Belial to stick around. Belial seems up for it while Duane immediately wants to run away with Ruth's granddaughter, Susan. In their first interaction that we know of, Duane pleads with this girl to ditch the freaks and elope with him, or something. I don't know. That was weird, and only our first clue as to how incomplete this script really is. Belial laughs at Duane's delusions of having a normal life with Susan, which was actually far weirder. I don't remember that thing laughing in the original, or looking anything like it looks now, for that matter.

So, anyway. These freaks are really annoying and unfunny. I'll just say it now. They were an all around bad idea. The flimsy storyline revolves around some tabloid reporter who would be best described as a poor woman's Rebecca De Mornay, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. This opportunistic young woman and her photographer bitch boy catch wind of what's going down at Granny Ruth's freak sanctuary. Mainly the fact that she's possibly harboring a couple of fugitives. Not to mention the other freaks. So, there might soon be trouble, as these two aim to blow the lid off this place for financial gain. Duane feels obligated to put his hardon away and stick around at least long enough to help these retards out. I'm sure Belial is grateful because he really digs this place.

So, it soon becomes obvious these two schmucks have gotten in way over their heads. Actually, the photographer guy gets himself killed pretty quickly by the retard freaks. So, that leaves "Becky" to be dealt with. So, that happens, and within a snap of a finger, we already find ourselves in the third act, which appears to be the entire point of the movie. Looking back, everything else felt like they were killing time until they could get to the point where they can set up the next sequel. That's all the last 15 minutes really is. Duane is given a big dose of reality by Susan and does not take it well to say the least. A now bat-shit Duane makes an impulsive decision involving Belial, which one could easily describe as a dick move. I must admit, this pointless piece of shit actually provided a surprisingly good ending. One of my all-time favorites. 3/10

Now on to what I wouldn't exactly call a worse movie. Definitely more annoying, and unnecessary as all hell, but here it is. And much quicker than we got he first sequel. Nine months later and straight-jacketed Duane finds himself being held in a padded cell somewhere in the freak house. I guess he's been catatonic all this time, but says he's ok now, and ready for pancakes. Yeah, maybe later. The thing is, Duane accidentally caused Susan's death, so, he's still in the doghouse, so to speak. However, Duane is finally let out of the cell. And just in time for the road trip... Oh, and I guess I should have already pointed out, there's this female Belial thing living there, and Belial fucked it in the last movie, so now, it's pregnant with God knows what. The only person Granny Ruth knows and trust enough to deliver this litter lives all the way down in Georgia. So, yeah. Road trip!

Let's just say Granny Ruth knows a guy. This old codger, Hal, who takes care of her freak son for her. And I'm not even sure why "little Hal" is down here away from his mother if she loves freaks so much. Perhaps he thinks she's an annoying, old cunt, and is only able to tolerate her in small doses. Little Hal's a smart boy, which is convenient, as Belial has already ripped original Hal's face off for being a doctor. So, with his eight (or so) arms, little Hal sucks it up and uses his medical know-how to yank a bunch of miniature Belials out of that other thing. A loud, nerve-racking scene, but was it any more insane than a normal woman giving birth in real life?

Seconds after being trusted enough to be let out of his straight-jacket, Duane hightails it and soon gets mixed up with the daughter of the local sheriff. I guess Duane wants the sheriff to help him get Belial back from Granny Ruth. It's not entirely clear what he wants, really. Belial isn't exactly being held against his will, so, I think Duane is a little confused. His confusion happens to cause a lot of problems, later on. Namely Eve getting shot and killed by a deputy. Eve was the pregnant thing, by the way. Maybe it's time for Duane to just sit down and shut up. Oh, but how 'bout a little random comedy relief? Granny Ruth then takes the freaks out to a fast food joint where they go full-on retard and tear the place apart while she orders an outlandish amount of food. This totally overwhelms Casey from the first movie because she works there, now. And Casey ain't got time for that shit.

The freak's feathers have, once again, been ruffled, Belial especially. Now, it's up to him and his normal (looking) brother to save the day for everyone and extract revenge the best way they know how: By having Belial tear people up while Duane stands there like an idiot. At least they got that part right. However, it's too little too late for this overly-cartoonish third entry. Sadly, this was never a Duane/Belial story. 3/10

This is very much a Granny Ruth story, as was the last movie. Sorry, but fuck her. She was horrible for these movies. What was it about Annie Ross that made Frank Henenlotter want to put her in both these sequels, and basically have them revolve around her? And those freaks? I get the intent, but it didn't set well with me. Having a large quantity of freaks, as opposed to just one, does not make up for the lack of ideas of where to go with Duane and Belial. As far as I'm concerned, Granny Ruth and her goofy fuckheads robbed us all of a decent sequel. You know what? Actually everything did, in my opinion. The magic of the original is long gone and it's been replaced with a bunch of nonsense. The original Basket Case was actually filmed in the late 70's, so, it goes with out saying these early 90's follow-ups would not include the same look and feel that made my favorite Horror movie so great. I get it. I just don't like it. In fact, these sequels are probably the main reason I grew up hating 90's Horror so much. However, aside from all that, Basket Case 2 and 3 are really just a couple of wacky, demented Horror flicks which are ultimately harmless and offer plenty of fun moments. So, I'd be lying if I said they've never made me crack a smile before. And in that respect, these movies are a success, but I'd also like to point out that only one out of this trilogy still has people talking. Coincidentally, it's the one without Granny Ruth. Just sayin'.



#Review

Chuck & Buck Suck & Fuck



You ever have a friend, when you were younger, who stayed "that way" for far too long? Maybe someone you knew in high school and well into your 20's, who hadn't quite got it yet? A situation that could lead to two friends having very different interests and priorities to the point that it could get annoying. This might be especially true if one is trying their best to be the opposite. Even if one still cares, one could find themselves drifting away. Or maybe you're on the other side of the fence. Don't feel bad, it happens. Not usually as extreme of a case as in this 2000 indie flick I'm about to brighten your day with. Yeah, maybe hearing about this will make you feel better. Or if you are, in fact, the mature one, just consider yourself lucky you're not dealing with what Chuck is dealing with.

He goes by Charlie, nowadays, but as a kid, he was Chuck. Chuck once had a friend named Buck. At 11, Chuck and Buck were not only best friends, they were also very much attached at the hip. I suppose neither one had other friends, which is probably unhealthy for kids of any age. However, like most friendships at that age, it only lasted a year or two. Eventually, Chuck's family moved away and he went on to make new friends and meet girls, and all the normal things that come with Junior High/High School, eventually leading to college. And yeah. You get the idea. Chuck is normal.

Buck, on the other hand, never made any more friends. He went through the motions of school, but for some reason, this friendship with Chuck was very much the peak of Buck's entire existence. A time in his life that he not only never forgot, but hung on to tightly. So tightly, Buck never really bothered growing up. Mentally, Buck is still 11. At the age of 27, all this guy wants to do is play, daydream and suck on blow pops all day. One day, Buck's mother, a long-time smoker, literally coughs herself to death. And just like that, Buck is now alone in the world. I'm sure Buck is saddened by this, but seemingly, the first conclusion he comes to is that this might be a good opportunity to reconnect with Chuck.

After 15 plus years apart, Buck gets in touch with Chuck and convinces him to come to the funeral. Though shocked to hear this voice from the past, Chuck has no problem being polite, so, he and his girlfriend attend the funeral because, what is he going to say, "no"? Of course the couple attend, and as you could guess, it's a very awkward reunion. Buck probably didn't think his old friend would be bringing a girl, but he manages to hold it together. Buck doesn't quite know what to say to her, or what to make of her, for that matter, but he sure is happy to see his "best friend" again. There is some vague talk of Buck coming out to L.A. for a visit some time but Chuck is probably just being polite. After Buck tries to play some "grab ass", Chuck takes his girlfriend and gets the hell out of there and away from the awkwardness that you could honestly cut with a knife. But hey! Chuck may have gotten cross with Buck, but he never said "and you can forget about ever visiting, now". No, in Buck's mind, this little visit is still a thing.

Maybe one thing I should have already pointed out: Chuck used to fuck Buck in the mouth from time to time, and as you can guess, Buck really dug it and yearns for more. Yeah, ok. I guess some kids experiment at weird ages, but these mouth fuckings seem to have way too much to do with how Buck has ended up. It's not all this is, mind you. Buck really misses his friend, yet, at the same time, he also misses the taste of Chuck's cum, and aims to choke down more of it once he gets to L.A. And once he reaches his destination, Buck is in for a surprise. Charlie (FKA Chuck) is a successful record executive, and spends most of his time at the office doing boring grown up stuff. Buck doesn't know how to approach him at first, so, he stalks the office building all day, every day, waiting for Chuck to come out so he can get a glimpse. One night, Buck is feeling ballsy and approaches Chuck and the girlfriend after following them somewhere. Buck gets himself invited over to the house for ice cream, but of course, has other things in mind.

After the girlfriend goes to bed, and after a little awkward conversation, Buck quickly gets himself thrown out for suggesting a little oral fun. Chuck is not interested. Chuck is weirded out enough by the fact that this guy is such a man child. Not to mention how fixated he is on this dead friendship, and how bad he is at hiding it. You can imagine Chuck's outrage. So, what does Buck do, you ask? Well, soon thereafter, Buck spends all his inheritance on producing a play. Not just any play. A fantasy-inspired story about a couple of kids who eventually grew apart due to some spell put on one of them by a witch. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but Chuck's girlfriend is supposed to be the witch, I guess. And with just a pinch of gay shit thrown in, Buck believes all will be well as long as he can talk Chuck into coming down and checking out his play. Easier said than done, but this is all Buck has. This one, final attempt at getting Chuck to snap out of whatever he is going through and get him back to normal. In Buck's mind, this is the answer. Meanwhile, Chuck has to change his number due to Buck calling every few minutes and hanging up. You don't have to be one who gets fucked in the mouth to realize that this is no way to get fucked in the mouth.

Lead actors, Mike White and Chris Weitz play their roles exceptionally well, however I'm not convinced this story was told as clearly as it should have been. We're never let in on exactly how Buck ended up like he did. To be stuck in your late teens for too long happens, but everything stops for this dude at 11 because his friend fucked him in the mouth and then moved away? He actually went through high school and remained that way? One could say that's a little "hard to swallow"... Sorry, couldn't resist. But seriously. If Buck's mom kept him inside for all those years and home schooled him, OK, but you don't go through high school without dealing with some shit that changes you a little. Plus, there's that whole puberty thing that should have probably made more of an impact. Oh, well. Don't let common sense get in the way of a fucked up story.

This is one cringy, and might I add, random little story that most people probably wouldn't know what to make of. Cringy because, like I said above, you could cut the awkwardness with a knife, at times. To be that age and to also be THAT age in the head. Having to avoid interactions with adults best you can because you know your empty little head offers you nothing of worth to say back to them. All the while, trying desperately to get close to the only person you know because it's the only way you can feel normal and happy. All of this as well as a whole lot of sexual confusion clouding your judgment. And on top of all that, this person looks at you like you're a fucking Alien when you offer to blow them.

While Buck is the one who gets stalky, it still might be a bit unfair to call Chuck "the normal one", while dismissing his admirer as "abnormal". On the surface, sure, Chuck is normal. However, not without his own dysfunctional ways. As vaguely mentioned by the girlfriend, Chuck does have closeness issues and isn't great at communicating. Chuck keeps things bottled in and buried, never to be dealt with. To be so fixated on someone like that is extra unhealthy for someone like Buck, who is in desperate need of some counciling. This thing, whatever it is, was obviously never going to go in Buck's favor, but Chuck being who he is, it was all the more hurtful. Perhaps there's a lesson in all this. Don't live in the past? No means no? Plays are for fags? Yeah, I think that's the one! 7/10



#Review

Ice Cream Bunny Rescues Santa From Sunshine State



Once upon a time, the state of Florida was quite the go to location for Exploitation film directors. "The B-movie capital of the world", some called it... Actually, nobody probably ever said that. However, in the 1960's, small-time directors such as Herschell Gordon Lewis and Doris Wishman couldn't stay away. Choosing some town in Florida to shoot whatever off-beat weirdness they recently came up with. Gore movies, Nudie Cuties, Hixploitation, you name it. Quite the history, and to many B-movie fans, quite the legacy. The 1960's was a magical time within the world of Florida Explotation, but like every heyday, there is a decline before the book is finally closed on yet another era. By the early 70's, Exploitation films weren't considered quite what they were. Still a thing, but not as profitable, therefore, not as common. Some were still coming out of Florida, but mostly just odd, random little films that came and went unnoticed. Films like Blood Freak, films like Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things. I could probably come up with something better for this one, but I can't resist. I got to at least try to elaborate on a film I saw recently called Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny. A movie you may just want to skip all together. Not gonna lie.

"Why, Florida ain't no place for Santa", you might say. And you'd be correct, but that's really the running gag of the movie and eemingly what all this pile of nothing is based around. So, Christmas is a little up in the air at the moment. Being just days away, Santa's elves (played by a bunch of kids) have no idea where he is, as they let us know this loudly in song because they sing everything, I guess. They ARE elves, after all. At the moment, Santa happens to be stranded on a Florida beach. Abandoned by his Reindeer, the old guy is naturally having a hell of a time getting his sleigh off the sand and back to the other side of the world. Santa needs to come up with something fast because Christmas is approaching, and he really seems to hate the sun, which seems to be the bigger issue of the two. Santa then sings about all that for a while.

Having powers and stuff, Santa uses some old fashioned telepathy to summon random kids in town to head down to the beach to try and help out. And try they do, as these random kids find a bunch of random animals to serve as substitute Reindeer. Even a Gorilla gets involved, but to no avail. For the time being, Santa is going nowhere. So, what now? Well, they throw us a bit of a curve ball around the 20 minute mark, as Santa starts babbling about faith and courage, which, I guess, is a nice way of telling them to get up and keep helping. Santa proves his point by telling them the story of Jack And The Beanstalk. We'll just say this is the extra long version of the fable. Seriously! THIS is the movie. Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny is actually about Jack And The Beanstalk because Santa's storytime last about Forty fucking minutes! That's forty straight minutes, by the way.

And I'm not even going into this one because we've all heard that story, but I will say it makes this 70 minute movie feel like it lasts several hours. Thankfully, we're returned to Florida by the 60 minute mark. Just in time to watch Santa and some little girl play with some dog for a while. The children then run off as Santa takes another nap. So, either these kids went looking for the Ice Cream Bunny or they just happened to find him on his fire truck. I don't know, that was weird. One second they're gone, and the next, they're on there with him, headed back to the beach. We then sit through an uncomfortably long scene with the Ice Cream Bunny with a bunch of kids, driving down the street as slowly as possible. At one point, he even has to come to a complete stop when the dog gets in the way. Ice Cream Bunny doesn't mind, as he doesn't come off like someone who gets in a hurry often. ICB does seem somewhat interested in helping out, despite his unusually slow pace. After what seems like a tour of the entire town, Ice Cream Bunny and pals finally make it to the beach, and as they say, the rest is history!

Ok, first of all, too much singing. Like way too much! I guess one could classify this movie as a musical, huh? Well, that and a one-story anthology with a wrap-around, making this possibly the worst Santa movie in existence. Secondly, WOW! Filler outweighing the actual story isn't something you see every day. So, that was unexpected. And thirdly, that questionable 60% of the movie is actually scenes from some other movie entirely. I'm guessing it's called Jack And The Beanstalk. Not-so interesting fact: After a little research, I discovered that The Jack And The Beanstalk filler only appeared in the theatrical version, while the vhs version included Thumbelina. Guess I lucked out.

And lastly, that thing driving what's supposed to be a fire truck is not an ice cream bunny! I don't even know what that means, but it's clearly not made of ice cream, nor did I see him handing any out to the kids, so, that's stupid! And unless that happened to be a young Cabin Fever bunny, sorry, not interested. I didn't bring this movie up because of what it is, but rather what it's part of, or what it's wedged into, really. Being from Florida, myself, I have a soft spot for these Sunshine State oddities from another time, but I don't think I could find a worse one if my life depended on it. Just the same, I just thought you should know. So, what is this, a fish out of water story? Campy kiddie flick? The last gasps of breath from a once-fruitful era in independent film? We'll go with all of the above, and probably a couple other qualities I'm missing. Whatever this is, or whatever it's supposed to be, the world would probably be a better place, had it never been made. 2/10



#Review

Silence Is Garbage



Did they really think no one would mind? Is this type of thing really OK, all of a sudden? You know what I'm talking about, right? Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 and all it's shortcomings. Or one really long one. But hey! If one enjoys the first installment, is it really a flaw? Yeah, it's a flaw, but if you haven't seen it in a while, maybe it's not so bad. Yeah, most of the first 40 minutes of this sequel consists of flashbacks from the original which has it labeled a joke for all time. And rightfully so. That's actually pretty uncool to be honest, but this film is a joke for more reasons than the obvious. What about Eric Freeman? Clearly, this guy makes it all an even bigger joke. But one worthy of developing a following over time, which could be compared to that of The Room or Troll 2. Why? Cuz Freeman's acting was shit? Yeah, that, and several other things we'll get into today. However, we're in on the joke or we at least wish we were. Either way, it's garbage day!

Ricky has been in a foul mood as of late. You can tell by the look on his face. Or I guess that's just the way his face is, but one can easily assume Ricky isn't having the greatest day. Well, whatever his problem is, the fact that they won't let him leave the insane asylum doesn't help. Is Ricky insane? Does he belong here? Personally, I don't see how. Just because he's a big enough asshole to kill a bunch of people does not mean he's crazy... does it? No, not really, and just because his brother, Billy, would have ended up here, had he lived, does not mean this muscle-bound prick deserves the same special treatment. But yeah. This guy's older brother dressed up like Santa and killed a bunch of people years ago due to their parents being murdered by a bad guy. Said bad guy happened to be dressed as Santa, and, well, you know how it goes. Billy was scarred because he saw it all go down. Fine, but Ricky was practically a newborn, but here he is, not even pretending to be crazy, really. Still insisting he remembers the events of that night. It was never touched on, but I'm thinking Ricky must have gotten himself one hell of a Lawyer to end up in this place. Just my opinion.

Yeah, get the fuck out of here! This guy looks more like a smart ass rapist with a negative attitude than a psychotic killer, but ok. Today, Ricky is being forced to talk to a psychiatrist who is insisting Ricky tells his story. Oh, he does that, but first, he's going to spend literally the first half of the movie telling us Billy's story. Probably just to be a dick. And half the info he gives up are things he has no way of knowing because he was either too young or just plain not there. Ricky jerks us around for exactly 40 minutes on the dot, which I found odd. I'd say we got about 1/4 of the first movie in those 40 minutes, and I don't know really what else to say about it. It is what it is.

And finally, some flashbacks we haven't seen: After Billy was gunned down, Ricky went on to experience a seemingly normal childhood, getting adopted by a nice enough couple who aren't particularly fond of Christmas. Now that we're in the Ricky Flashbacks, somehow, it feels like we're still watching scenes from another movie, but maybe that's a good thing? A somewhat normal next few years for Ricky, but as he reaches adulthood, he gets it in his head more and more that it's ok to fuck people up if they more or less deserve it, or if there happens to be nearby violence already going on.

Ricky's girlfriend definitely didn't deserve it, but she pissed him off by not being happy about him killing her ex. And that's pretty much IT for Ricky. The girlfriend was all that was keeping him from reaching full-blown douchebag mode. Now that she's gone, we witness five of the most epic minutes in 80's Horror history. A scene that seems like the entire movie was leading up to, as Ricky goes on a little shooting spree, sarcastically screaming "Garbage Day!" at some guy before blowing him away. The actor then almost gets killed right in the middle of all this due to not getting out of the way of a car that flipped over, but that's neither here nor there. Ricky says a lot of funny shit, attempts suicide, fails, and here we are... And there Ricky goes! Escaped from the asylum just like that. Now hell bent on killing Mother Superior from the first movie because she was a dick to Billy. At least we finally have an idea as to where this movie is headed, though we're just about done here.

This is one of those rare bad ones that I started out hating, but ended up loving as I got a little older. You can't blame one for only noticing the obvious and hating the film for it. There is a lot to be said about all the other flaws which becomes more obvious with repeated viewings. Ultimately, this is just such a damn fine example of so bad it's good 80's Horror, it's not even funny. Eric Freeman does a spectacular job at being entertaining and nothing else, but that's all we really needed him for. This sequel is, for sure, a downgrade from the original, which is also cheesy in its own right, but a movie that can be taken far more seriously. While it IS hard to take this one half as seriously, think about this for a minute: What if there was no original? What if the Silent Night Deadly Night series began here? What if those flashbacks all belonged to this movie alone? Exactly! We would have one hell of an epic story on our hands that would be remembered as much more than the scene-stealing joke that it is. Perhaps that's all it would take for the nay sayers to give it a break and focus on what's really important, here... GARBAGE DAY!!! 5/10




#Review

A Homophobic Satansploitation Abomination



People turn to all sorts of things in order to maintain or gain the strength it sometimes takes to make it in this world. Drugs is a big one. Crime in general. Some people get creative, or at least they stumble upon something a little more on the unconventional side. Today's story is about a human doormat who has been shat upon far too long. A born loser who has inadvertently ended up with a strength and determination he probably never imagined to be HIS reality. Today, we're going to discuss 70's Exploitation flick, Satan's Children, as well as what acceptance from a Satanic cult can do for one's self esteem. More than one would think, apparently.

Some red-headed step-child gets it pretty bad from his step-father and step-sister. Nothing as extreme as a Little Corey Gorey situation, but they are unnecessarily dickish. The step-father makes a slave out of Bobby and is just looking for a reason to bust his ass. The 40-something year old looking step-sister is always trying to get a rise out of him, so to speak. Bobby is having none of that, and despite having no one else and nowhere else to go, he seems to have very little patience for these people. It's only a matter of time before Bobby says something that gets himself kicked out. Bobby doesn't even care anymore. And now, his guy is fucking with his pot. Bobby straight up tells Step-dad to go to Hell and bounces. Bobby has no plan. He's finally free, but at a price. Bobby's got to figure something out quick if he wants to survive out here. I don't know what his plan was to be, but before he can make a plan, Bobby is approached by a lonely homosexual, whose advances he takes great offense.

Luckily the gay is ran off by a seemingly normal person whose wit quickly puts Bobby at ease. Bobby's new friend takes him back to his place for some beer and heterosexual fun only to get on the phone with his friends the first chance he gets. And they're gay! Gay, horny and mean! This new "friend" of Bobby's isn't a friend at all. He's gay, too! That's what all this is about. They're all going to gang up on Bobby and pleasure themselves inside his ass until he cries. Not good! However, these aren't the killing types. The gang of gays did spare Bobby his life, although not so much his dignity, huh? And as we're now one step closer to the point of all this, Bobby is spotted by a group of some unusually fun-loving Satanists. One of the girls takes a shining to him and insists they take Bobby in, even though their master is not around to give it the OK. Sherry doesn't care. Strangely, it was love at first sight. Something that is going to cause a lot of trouble, but Sherry doesn't care.

I don't know about Sherry. She's trying awfully hard to ditch some lezbo chick who's getting too cozy with her. This being out of fear of angering their master, Simon. Maybe Sherry just latched on to the first guy she saw? Well, anyway, I didn't know it until I saw this movie, but Satanists are not down with the gays. And yeah. This isn't going to fly at all. These people don't care for victims, let alone ass rape victims. Sherry isn't doing herself any favors, and might as well have just gone for the rug-muncher, as her new-found love for this loser has done her in. In what is unquestionably the dick move of the whole movie, Sherry is punished by being buried up to her neck and covered in honey to be eaten by ants.

Bobby seems pretty screwed at this point, but manages to get away. Luckily for Sherry, Bobby feels the same way about her as she supposedly does him, so, at least she has a chance, here. As we quickly learn, Bobby's goal isn't so much to get away, but to prove to Simon he's more than just some fuck toy for the gays. This situation has turned Bobby into a determined little bastard who is now out to prove that he is not a victim, because Satanists aren't victims! To do this, Bobby has first got to ditch the Satanists who have been ordered to kill him. That's where the quicksand comes in. Then, all Bobby has got to do is collect the heads of those who have wronged him, present them to Simon, and hope he chills out. Then, maybe Simon will let him stay so he can do it with Sherry some more. Bobby genuinely feels like this Satanism thing is something he can really get behind.

And this is the kind of stuff I love the most. Not so much Satan-themed Exploitation, but weird, random little movies like this that were so common in the 70's. I don't know where the director/writers got all these ideas, but they came up with one hell of an entertaining concept with the gay-hating Devil worshippers and coming-of-age adventure for the red-headed step-child in his underwear. Brought to you by Something Weird Video in a double feature dvd with the inferior Asylum Of Satan. This is truly one of the most entertaining things that company has ever put out, and like many others from SWV, is deserving of a larger following. But hey. That's Satansploitation for ya. It doesn't exactly give one a warm, fuzzy feeling... or does it? 5/10



#Review

Trimming The Fat: The History Of Halloween '18



To some of us, Slasher franchises matter. Maybe it's a generational thing but it's true. The big picture, the integrity of it all, maybe even closure. For some reason, closure is a big one for me. That's one reason why I was never down with Rob Zombie's contributions. Because they weren't. Those movies were remakes, and going by past remakes, this is the obvious kiss of death for a franchise, regardless of how much life it had left in it. A trend that has laid waste to more than a couple of Horror series/franchises over the years. However, nobody ever said they had to stay on the shelf forever. Especially if certain remakes didn't live up to expectations. After Rob Zombie had his fun, I don't think anyone had any idea what was next for Michael Myers. I would have voted for nothing, but Hollywood greed happens to be a thing.So, as we know, nothing can only go on for so long before some asshole in a suit makes a suggestion to continue/remake/reboot a well-known franchise regardless of whether or not the last one was indeed the LAST one. Which reminds me, you're up, Michael!

And I was SO on board with this when I heard they were going to resurrect the original series. And then, of course, reality sets in as it tends to do. The completely predictable announcement that all sequels will be ignored in the upcoming Halloween movie. A new part 2, if you will. Yeah, I don't really give a shit about the Halloween sequels, but this annoys me, just the same. A second chance at closure, but at a price. For one reason or another, the integrity of yet another Horror franchise has been compromised. And now that that's out of the way, time to cheer up because Halloween 2.2 actually turned out to be something special. And yeah, I'm just kidding. They didn't really call it Halloween 2.2. That wouldn't make much sense, would it?. No, they actually called it Halloween, mainly because... OK, then! On with the story!

Remember H2O? Yeah, neither do I, but whatever was going on with Laurie Strode in that movie never happened. Whoever Laurie Strode was in 1998 no longer exists. I thought excluding Halloween II was a bit harsh, but OK! Nothing has happened since 1978. Got it! That one night messed Laurie up pretty good, though. Nothing too bad but enough to make her into a bit of a Sarah Connor with a drinking problem. Laurie Strode isn't doing very well in 2018. Laurie's questionable child-raising tactics have cost her a decent relationship with her daughter, ultimately costing her a relationship with her granddaughter. It's worth it to Laurie as long as she made a difference, making her daughter even a little more prepared than she would have been. Because you never know. You just never know.

Yeah, Michael is alive. I guess he was finally caught later that night, and he's been back in the asylum ever since. No return, no revenge, Michael twiddles his thumbs for forty years. Laurie doesn't give a fuck. She's going to blow his brains out if he ever comes around again. Laurie's daughter thinks she's being silly, but Michael is soon being transferred to another hospital, which isn't particularly great for Laurie's anxiety. Despite not existing in all these other sequels that don't exist, Laurie isn't all that surprised when Michael escapes after a wreck. She's not super thrilled about this, but for the first time in years, she doesn't seem like quite the basket case. In control and prepared.

Earlier, there were some True Crime pod-casters trying to get some words out of Michael, but came up short. Since they had possession of the infamous mask, you know they're going to cross paths again. And just like that, we're able to forget that Michael Myers is a senior citizen, now. After being introduced for a handful of characters that aren't too annoying, we witness Laurie getting her shit together while getting her family with her so she can protect them. Laurie knows Michael is headed for her, but she's going to make him wish he went elsewhere because part of her preparation for this night included turning her house into one big slasher-trap, designed to make things very difficult for a masked maniac who is killing for no apparent reason.

And what a totally uncomplicated premise done effectively as possible. Seriously, well done! Nice, brutal kills and nice touch bringing back the original Michael. Hey, maybe wiping away the past sins of this series is what it took to finally make a good sequel. Laurie doesn't need to be Michael's sister and Paul Rudd's character in part 6 didn't really need to exist. And you know what? It's not always hard to pretend this wasn't Halloween 9, so, I'd say everyone wins, time time... as long as it was the last one and we finally get our Halloween closure. This was the last one, right? 7/10



#Review

Shot-On-Shiteo: Cannibal Xerox



It's almost as if Bruno Mattei had plans of jumping on the Cannibal bandwagon all along, but fell asleep for 20 years, only to wake up and carry on, business as usual. Yeah. In 2004, Bruno Mattei made a genuine Cannibal movie. True story. He did lots of stuff in the 2000's, including several more Cannibal entries, along with a Zombie flick or two. The old guy obviously wasn't much for timing, but better late than never, some might say. Mattei also wasn't one much for originality either. Hell Of The Living Dead comes to mind even though I love it. Bruno Mattei may have been the most shameless director of the Italian heyday, and one could make the argument that he is a poor man's all those guys, but who else would do this? who else gave enough of a fuck to give us a 2004 Cannibal film? Bruno Mattei and only Bruno Mattei. Talent/creativity/film be damned! Bruno says it's time for another one!

This shot-on-video, would-be epic goes under several different titles: Cannibal World, Mondo Cannibale, but I'm going to refer to it by its most unfitting (or intriguing?) title of Cannibal Holocaust: The Beginning. I like to think the decision to call it that in whatever country was solely Mattei's idea. And I don't want to poke fun at the dead, but this movie's existence is too funny. Although it can be pretty irritating if you're a huge fan of the legendary Cannibal Holocaust. I say that because this painfully inferior product does nothing but leech off its predecessor. And to be blunt, the one I'm about to shed some light on more or less amounts to that of a bottle of piss. Don't worry. It'll all make sense soon.

Once again, under the pseudonym of Vincent Dawn, Bruno Mattei gives us the Cannibal Holocaust ripoff we never knew we wanted. Such a ripoff that it's about a hair away from being a remake. Hell, Mattei actually might have intended it to be one. Everything that sets up the story is different, but the results remain the same. Along with the same old "who are the real cannibals?" nonsense. I think I even remember some of the same dialogue, so, yeah. That's the level of shamelessness we're working with. Once a thriving news channel, TVN isn't doing so well, ratings-wise. Hot shit anchor woman, Grace Forsyte, aims to fix things and help this dying channel regain the popularity it once enjoyed. Only one thing can reverse the state of things, says Grace. We gotta take it to the Amazon! We gotta go fuck with some cannibals. People love cannibals! No, the naked, brown ones who've never heard of anything. Not the regular ones!

Grace didn't really say that, but I wouldn't be surprised if she thought it. So, Grace is dragging her team all the way out to the Amazon jungle to see if some cannibals could possibly eat somebody if they happen to be feeling generous. Supposedly, there is a tribe around here some refer to as "the invisible people". Surely they'll give up some sweet cannibal action for a news channel on its last legs. Things go surprisingly well as these news whores actually get their footage. And just like that, TVN lives! In fact, TVN's ratings have skyrocketed even more than Grace predicted.

So, mission accomplished, time to go home! Well, not quite yet. Apparently not someone to quit while she's ahead, Grace encourages the others to help her set all the cannibals and their village on fire which will obviously increase the ratings even more. We can always blame it on another tribe, says Grace. A little fake news never hurt anybody, says Grace. If you're familiar with these types of movies, you know what's coming: Bloody, rapey, tasty revenge. Castrations, impalings and regret. Oh, and some authentic animal killings somewhere amongst it all. You didn't think Uncle Bruno would leave that out, did you? He knew what he was doing.

I'd say the magic is lost. Long gone for around two decades by this point. No one can say this isn't a "real" one since it was directed by one of the boys, even though Mattei had literally no experience making these movies. Cannibal Holocaust: The Beginning is unique because it is not a throwback, despite coming off like one. And while it may also feel like a resurrection of sorts, I wouldn't even go that far. To me, Cannibal Holocaust: The Beginning is one man's attempt at picking the bones of a corpse that he damn well knows is no longer edible. So, that only leaves one question: If Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox are the Coke and Pepsi of the genre, then, where does this one fit in? Yeah, I'm going with piss. Cannibal Holocaust: The Beginning is a warm bottle of piss. 3/10



#Review

Dark Shadows: 3 Phases Of Fear



It's the greatest story ever told, the most legendary Soap Opera in history, the peak of the Horror genre... Well, maybe Dark Shadows has never been called any of those things, but then again, it's never been called "the death of continuity", but that wouldn't be much of a stretch, either, now would it? Dark Shadows has left an impact on many of us. Perhaps the biggest impact made some 50 years ago, before episodes could be rewatched, but an ongoing impact, just the same. I'm of the 90's/Sci-fi Channel generation of DS fans, and I've waited a long time to fully express my feelings on what is still my all-time favorite TV show. This isn't an easy story to tell, at least while doing it justice, I mean. However, a necessary one for me. Today, Trash Epics celebrates the original Dark Shadows, broken up into three different sections: The pre-Horror/pre-Barnabas era, the peak of the show's popularity, and of course, the inevitable decline. This is Dark Shadows!

While it didn't start out as as a Horror series, Dark Shadows' originally actually comes from that of a dream. One night, a man named Dan Curtis had a dream. This writer/director/producer could not get said dream out of his head, and would eventually go on to use it as inspiration for an idea involving a Gothic Mystery/Thriller Soap Opera Curtis wanted ABC to get off the ground. Once it Debuted, it instantly started flirting with the Horror genre, but wasn't quite there, and wouldn't be for at least the first year.

Phase One: The Beginning - Originally, Dark Shadows was about a girl named Victoria Winters. Victoria is on a train, headed to a small, fishing village in Maine called Collinsport. Victoria doesn't know where she comes from, or where she's going, exactly. All Victoria knows is that there is a mansion on a hill called Collinwood, and the mistress of that house has personally requested she become her nephew, David's, governess. Besides offering good pay, Victoria feels drawn to this house, as if deep down, she knows this may provide answers she has always wanted. Answers about her identity and her history. She doesn't know how she knows, but Victoria knows this is where she needs to go. As Victoria meets the Collins family, she realizes this is one gloomy, tortured bunch. Mirroring their surroundings, perfectly. Elizabeth Collins Stoddard owns the place, and for an unknown reason, has not left her property in nearly 20 years. And as you could guess, Elizabeth does not respond well when asked about this. So, don't worry about Elizabeth. She'll be fine.

Elizabeth's daughter, Carolyn, is the friendliest, most normal person in the house, and close in age with Victoria. Carolyn is also in need of a friend, so, this will be the high point of Vicki's stay for a while. The reason Victoria is here, though, is, little David Collins. Son of Elizabeth's Brother, Roger. David is a difficult little bastard, at best, and is not one bit welcoming to Victoria, even going so far as to try and scare her off. Speaking of scaring people off, David's dad, Roger, who would rather not be living with his sister, is not a hell of a lot more pleasant than the boy. Victoria isn't given many reasons to stick around in the beginning, but she sticks with it, as she truly feels this will be worth it... someday.

Roger isn't so bad, but he seems to be hiding something that Victoria might unintentionally be getting too close to. That's where Burke Devlin comes in. In what was the original Dark Shadows storyline, Buke Devlin has recently returned to town after many years in prison. After riding into Collinsport on the same train, Burke makes fast friends with Victoria, and is pretty blunt about having no use for her new employers. Burke later reveals a long-standing grudge which is the only reason he even came back to this town. Burke feels like a certain member of the Collins family should have gone to prison in his place, and he's either going to prove this or just go ahead and take down the entire family and their business. How do you beat a bunch of rich assholes? You become a bigger, richer asshole!

After much drama involving Burke, a jealous Carolyn, a psychotic David, and a murder mystery, ratings continue to go south. This is good stuff, but people aren't getting it, and we know how impatient networks can be. There's been a ghost or two, already, but something needs to drastically change, and fast! David's mother, Laura Collins, is back. Back home, back to reclaim her son, and back from the grave. Laura Collins actually died some time ago. That's a fact, but here she is. Part of David's problems had to do with his mother's absence, but now that she's back, perhaps things were better when she was gone. Laura isn't the same, and the longer she sticks around, the more obvious it becomes that she is after something. As this goes on, we also oversee what is known as the final non-Horror storyline, where we finally find out Elizabeth's secret. The Mistress of Colinwood is being blackmailed by Jason McGuire, an old friend of her late husband. And Elizabeth is willing to pay or do just about anything to keep Jason Quiet. Meanwhile, Jason's partner-in-crime, Willie, is pissing everyone off, but is about to unintentionally change everything forever.

Phase 2: The Peak - One day, Dan Curtis said what needed to be said. He said what everyone else was probably thinking, but didn't have the guts. Dan Curtis just came out and said it: "We need a fucking Vampire!" And you know what? Dan Curtis was right. An actor was soon hired to play this vampire, who greedy troublemaker, Willie Loomis, accidentally let out of a coffin he was locked in over 150 years ago. Theater actor, Jonathan Frid, gave life/death to Barnabas Collins, and at the same time, gave the Collins family a long, rich history, which we can now explore. All Dark Shadows needed was a vampire, and now, the sky is the limit! The thing is, though, Barnabas is actually the villain. While portraying himself to the family as the identical descendant of "the original Barnabas Collins, he's actually a vicious, obsessive monster, willing to do whatever it takes to get what he wants. And right now, Barnabas wants a girlfriend. Although Blood would be nice, too.

History Lesson: In the pre-Barnabas days, vague mentions were made of the Collins family history, but nothing said ever had much to do with storylines. So, it was all pretty meaningless. There was a ghost named Josette Collins who helped Vicki out, but she didn't have much of an identity back then. Once Barnabas showed up, the writers started establishing a definitive Collins family history which contradicted several claims made during the early episodes. Barnabas tells people that his ancestor moved to England in 1795, which is where he is claiming to come from. Originally, Isaac Collins moved the family to America in the 17th Century, so, I guess it's believable to them that there was a whole other branch they didn't know about.

While abusing and traumatizing his new servant, Willie, a friend of the family catches Barnabas' eye. Maggie Evans is the spitting image of his lost love, Josette, who committed suicide shortly before Barnabas's enclosure. Being a Vampire, Barnabas is confident he can simply kidnap Maggie and brainwash her into becoming Josette. Barnabas attempts to erase Maggie in order to resurrect the love he once felt. He wants her to be the reincartation of Josette so bad, he convinces himself of this, and almost succeeds in convincing Maggie. However, while being held in the old Collins house by Barnabas and Willie, Maggie gains an unlikely ally: The ghost of Sarah Collins.

Sarah Collins is Barnabas' little sister who died shortly before his enclosure. Sarah appears to everyone she can, offering hints of Maggie's whereabouts, eventually leading her to freedom. Maggie isn't the only one who gains an ally, as Barnabas begins what starts out as a rocky relationship with Dr. Julia Hoffman. First allies, then enemies, then sort of both, back to enemies, and much later, dear friends, Julia is offering Barnabas a way out. She is confident that she can cure this disease. Yes, we're going to call it a disease, now. Long story short, this does not go at all as planned because one mistake looks like it might cost Julia her life. Possibly Maggie's and everyone's at Collinwood, too. Barnabas is a bastard but not impossible to get through to. One night, Sarah finally appears to Barnabas, letting him know how disappointed she is with him, and that she will never appear to him again. And she never did. What Barnabas does with that is up to him.

As we see start to see glimmers of good in the heartbroken Barnabas, a new storyline is about to begin. The Collins family holds a seance to contact Sarah's spirit so she can hopefully shed some light on the mystery behind Maggie's disappearance. Instead of that happening, something else went down: Victoria Winters has been transported back to 1795. And in Vicki's place, the Collins governess of that time sits. For the next six or seven months, we, the viewer, will get to know a whole new generation of the Collins family. Make that an old generation. Vicki is about to live through the months leading up to Barnabas' death, resurrection, eventual enclosure, and everything in between. Posing as a governess won't be hard for Vicki since she is one, and what better student than her cooperative pal, Sarah? This version of the Collins family isn't so bad, but the trouble soon starts, as Josette and her family arrive for the wedding.

Barnabas and Josette are getting married, and seemingly nothing is going to stand in the way of their love. This is where Angelique Bouchard comes in. Josette's personal maid has a thing for Barnabas. Actually, it's more than that. They, at one time, had a little something going on. However, to Angeligue, it was more than "a little something". Barnabas makes it clear nothing will ever come of what happened as he will be faithful to Josette for the rest of his days. So, naturally, Angelique now feels screwed over. When wronged, some people let it go and move on, and some people don't. Some people are witches who are just looking for a reason to practice their craft. First, Angelique casts a spell to make Josette and Uncle Jeremiah fall in love and secretly get married. Feelings get hurt, one thing leads to another, and Barnabas ends up marrying Angelique out of spite. This was Barnabas' biggest mistake, at least as far as the 18th century goes. With the help of Ben Stokes, Angelique eventually gets found out as Barnabas gets his revenge. Then, Angelique gets her's, hence the vampire problem in 1967. And with oblivious Vic hanging around, who better to pin all this witchcraft on?

Victoria manages to make it back to the present without a scratch, but barely. With all the hints staring her dead in the face, Victoria still didn't manage to figure out that Barnabas of the past is Barnabas of the present. That's fortunate for her as Barnabas of the present hasn't quite become a good guy yet, though pretty close. Another potential cure is finally discovered for Barnabas, and this one is a little more complicated. This cure involves bringing an artificial human to life, using Barnabas' life force to kick start it, and at the same time, sucking the "disease" from him. This SHOULD make Barnabas human again. Still with me? No, seriously. This actually works. Not anywhere near as planned, but Barnabas, Julia and Willie now have a new friend. Adam is here and he's gigantic, infantile and scared shitless. Nobody really knows what to do with Adam. Just keep him locked up, I guess. As long as no one at Collinwood finds out about him, it'll probably be fine...

This is where they just try and fit anything and everything Horror into the show, making 1968 one kickass year for Dark Shadows. With a new Frankenstein monster-ripoff guy wreaking havoc, we also get to meet Roger's new wife, Cassandra, who is really Angelique in disguise. Thanks to Victoria, Angelique has discovered that Barnabas has been freed from his coffin, and even managed to ditch the curse she placed on him so long ago. Desperate to banish Barnabas back to the night, Cassandra comes up with a dream curse meant to culminate with Barnabas dying and returning as a vampire. Ultimately, this curse only served to scare the hell out of the rest of the cast. A big waste of time for Cassandra, but when she and her partner-in-crime, Nicholas Blair, find out the truth behind Barnabas' new-found immunity, it might be a game changer.

As it would turn out, Adam's existence is the only thing keeping Barnabas human. If he were to die, Barnabas would revert back to what he was, and nobody wants that. Except maybe Angelique, who is now a vampire, herself. Actually, Nicholas made that happen, as these two aren't exactly on the same page after learning the big news. So, Nicholas now has control over Angelique, which gives him time to also get control over Adam. What Nicholas is ultimately after is far more important than Angelique's petty grudge, but she doesn't necessarily agree. Angelique is going to do whatever she wants, regardless of the consequences. She just can't help herself.

Well, that escalated like a sonofabitch, didn't it? When it's all said and done, the Agelique/Nicholas/Adam problem somehow turns into a Werewolf problem. This show really knows how to mess with your head, sometimes. New in town, Chris Jennings wants to find out what happened to his brother, Tom. I'm sure if Angelique was still around, she'd let him know how she made Tom a vampire, which later led to his "true death". Well, Chris has bigger problems at the moment, as his presence in town has already led to a couple of deaths. That's right. Chris is the werewolf. He lives under a curse that makes him more deadly than Barnabas ever was. At least Barnabas had a choice. This guy is going to tear everyone apart whether he likes it or not. Manwhile, David and Chris' sister, Amy, have become partially possessed by the ghost of Quentin Collins, who was a real dick licker in his day. However, that was nothing compared to what death has done to him.

With Barnabas as the new hero and main character, we see Victoria Winters fading more and more into the background. One day, Vicki literally just disappears back into 1795, now referred to 1796 for some reason. Barnabas finds a way to make it back to his original time to make sure Vicki doesn't hang for Angelique's crimes. I love how these people can figure everything out so effortlessly, all in the name of moving the story along. Barnabas returns home to save the day and finds a pissed off Angelique, who is back in her original witch form. Let's just say Barnabas knows exactly how to handle the wife, this time. Victoria Winters had originally met Peter Bradford during her first stay and the two fell in love. Now, that they have been reunited, they will plan a life together in the 18th century. Sadly, this is the last we would ever see of Victoria Winters. I'm sure Elzabeth will always regret not telling her that she was her mother.

Not long after Barnabas returns to the present, it is decided he must travel back to Quentin's time of 1897, because this problem is only getting worse. Even Professor Stokes is all out of ideas. Maybe Quentin can be reasoned with, maybe something can be worked out or history can be changed. David is dead and Collinwood has been abandoned, so, it's worth a shot. Using the I-Ching method, Barnabas isn't physically traveling back in time. He's more like transporting his spirit into his 1897 body. And yeah. In 1897, Barnabas was still a vampire. Hell, he was still in his coffin, wasn't he? Well, as soon as someone lets him out again, Barnabas will need to reclaim the old house, introduce himself to yet another generation, and maybe see what can be done about Quentin. And if there's time, maybe learn a little self-control. Hopefully, another Josette look-alike doesn't show up...

As an arrogant bastard of a human, Quentin is all kinds of entertaining, and we soon forget the villain he is supposed to be. Well, I guess he's not such a villain, after all. Just misunderstood. You want to know who IS a villain? Laura Collins! David's mother from like years ago/years later has been revealed to also be the mother of Jamison Collins, who was David's grandfather and Quentin's nephew. This is pretty much a rehash of the original Laura storyline, except this time, Laura has a worthy opponent. Nope, not Barnabas. Angelique has returned from the flames, and, for some reason, is slightly more reasonable than before. Angelique is aware of everything that has been going on and is willing to help out if certain needs are met. This storyline has barely begun and here we are, about to see Laura vs. Angelique! They don't call it "the peak" for nothing!

History Lesson: Hey, I totally forgot to touch on a key member of the 1795 storyline. A guy called Reverend Trask who was more or less a crazy person who got tricked into thinking Victoria Winters was the witch. The witch hunter caused a lot of problems but ended up paying for it dearly. So, a century later, and we have Trask's grandson (?), Gregory, who isn't one bit crazy, but rather a genuine snake in the grass. Gregory Trask has recently married the new mistress of Collinwood, Quentin's sister, Judith. Preying on the old spinster's loneliness, Gregory has become a very wealthy man, not to mention master of Collinwood. Not good enough, says Trask. He then puts a plan into action to drive Judith insane so she can be put away. Then, it will all be his. This is Jerry Lacy at his best!

While 1969 was the height of the show's popularity, 1897 was a long year for the Collins family. This WAS the year Quentin was meant to die, but history has been changed. Well, not changed so much as Quentin's ghost has merely vanished back in the present. I'm not convinced the writers were fully grasping what it would mean if someone were to CHANGE history, but that's OK. The inconsistencies are fun, too. And the fun keeps on coming as a new character is introduced. One of the more popular villains in the show's history, Count Petofi. When Petofi learns of a certain curse Quentin now lives under, he concocts a master plan to use it to his advantage. This could ultimately threaten the safety of those in the present who are still awaiting Barnabas' return.

In order to help out, Julia travels back into the past as well. And with her help, Barnabas and Angelique put their own plan into motion as a last ditch effort to save Quentin. These altered 1897 events have turned him into a pretty swell guy, and someone worth saving. The rest of these people can fuck right off as far as Barnabas is concerned, but Quentin has grown on pretty much all of us by now, including Angelique. In the end, we learn Barnabas somehow has even more unfinished business in 1795, which we're now calling 1797. Now that things are about as fixed as they can be in 1897, Barnabas has stumbled upon some rare good luck which may provide the happy ending he's always yearned for. And as things seem to go in a positive direction, a new problem arises...

Phase 3: The Decline - Seriously? As one problem ends, a much bigger one follows. So close to reuniting with Josette, yet so far, Barnabas was brainwashed, de-vamped and sent to the present by some weird cult who have made him their leader. The Leviathans are much more than a cult. They're... I'm not even sure what they are, but they're not human. They're Leviathans and they are apparently some very ambitious creatures. These Leviathans are in the early stages of world domination, and they feel like Collinsport, Maine is the best place to get the ball rolling. A good portion of the cast have been brain washed and are being used to do the Leviathan's bidding, as Barnabas shows not a hint of the Barnabas we once knew. Even the vicious vampire who kidnapped Maggie seemed more human than this Leviathan ghoul he has become. Some say this version of Barnabas and this storyline, in general, is where the peak ended and the cracks began to form.

Barnabas was never the true leader of the Leviathans. Just the guy who helped them get their foot in the door. The one who is to lead them to the promised land isn't even grown up yet, but he's about to be. And when Jeb Hawkes arrives, we learn an unfortunate truth about Carolyn's father and a deal he made with these creatures, years earlier. As Barnabas comes to his senses and, once again, fights the evil with Julia, he is punished for his betrayal with a new vampire curse, and replaced by Nicholas Blair. Wait a minute! Whatever became of Quentin? And wasn't there a werewolf, or something?

What we just saw was what is considered the least popular storyline in this show's history. I liked it OK, but nobody can say it's not a step down from 1897 awesomeness. So, one "miss" isn't the end of the world, but everyone knew something different was very much needed, so, another time traveling storyline was planned. This time, Barnabas wouldn't travel back in time, or forward. Barnabas has found a passage way into a parallel dimension which can be found in a room up in the east wing of Collinwood. Sometimes, this room changes. Sometimes, familiar people can be seen in this room, living different lives, discussing unfamiliar subjects. This room cannot be entered when this is going on, and the people inside have no idea they are being watched. These people are identical counterparts to the Collins' we know. They have their own Collinwood and their own supernatural issues. They even have their own Angelique, though, this one has recently died. Angelique was the mistress of Collinwood until she was murdered by an unknown assailant. Dead, but not forgotten, Angelique is very much on everyone's minds. Seemingly every male character was in love with her, Hoffman, the maid, is lost without her, her husband, Quentin, loses it if anyone even mentions her name. And Barnabas is all like "This place kicks ass".

Actually, Barnabas thinks it might be a good idea to check out this world just to get away from his Collinwood for a while because the urges are becoming unbearable. Barnabas is determined for things to not get out of hand like they did a couple years ago with Maggie. I guess he figures that if anything happens, it might as well happen to these people, who, at the end of the day, don't really matter. The room changes with Barnabas in it, and just like that, he's in another universe. Free to leave the room and explore this nearly identical existence. Barnabas gets Carolyn under his power after drinking her blood, though he would have rather it have not come to that. Sometimes, you just really need to shut someone up, and sometimes, fangs really come in handy for that. Barnabas soon regrets this even more when Carolyn's husband, Will Loomis, traps him in a coffin. You heard me. Willie's counterpart, Will, is putting Barnabas BACK into the coffin. Oh, sweet irony!

I believe there has been a bit of a misunderstanding. This Will Loomis guy is an author who once wrote a very successful novel about a guy named Barnabas Collins. This Barnabas lived a normal life and died at a normal age. It is never revealed what was so interesting about him to warrant a book, but he must have had something going on. Will has had writer's block for a while, and believes he has found a way to get things back on track. Will thinks OUR Barnabas is THAT Barnabas, and that what we know about Barnabas is true about his counterpart. So, Will stuffs him into a coffin and forces him to start talking so the "real story" can finally be told. And at this point, Barnabas would be written out of the show completely to go film House Of Dark Shadows.

While Barnabas is away, we are left to become acquainted with the inhabitants of parallel Collinwood. Here, we learn that Quentin has just arrived home with his new bride, Maggie. We also learn he's nothing like the Quentin we once knew. This Quentin is stern and serious with possible anger issues, possibly brought on by the dead wife. There is more talk of Angelique in this house than Maggie would probably prefer, but she's a good sport just like her counterpart. When Angelique's twin sister, Alexis, arrives, Maggie isn't the only one who gets suspicious. Meanwhile, Jeb Hawkes' counterpart is a Dr. Jekyll ripoff who ends up making things way more difficult than they need to be. Then again, this world could use a Mr. Hyde ripoff. Parallel Time plods along while key cast members are off filming the movie, but we know Barnabas is getting out of that coffin sooner or later. And when that happens, we know all wrongs will be righted and everything will be as it should be in Parallel Time.

After all hell quite literally broke loose, Barnabas and Julia, who later joined him, bail, and instead of being sent back to their own time, end up in 1995 (normal time). 25 years in the future, Collinwood is basically no more. In ruins and abandoned, something horrible happened, here. Something so horrible, either everyone is dead or everyone sees it as a good idea to stay away from this place. Carolyn is alive and hanging around near by, but has lost her mind. Professor Stokes, too. Even Quentin. Long story, there. Barnabas and Julia manage to get some answers out of these people they once knew, but not enough to be able to make much of a difference. Once Barnabas and Julia make it back home, it is discovered that whatever happened to Collinwood, is going to happen this year. It's just a matter of time. In 1995, a couple of ghosts were discovered. Gerard Stiles and Daphne Harridge lived in 19th century Collinwood, where something else really bad happened. Supposedly, Gerard was the reason for this, and for some reason, he isn't done with the Collins family. Not even close. Who is Gerard Stiles, really? And where does Daphne fit in? Besides being a Victoria replacement, I mean. David and his new friend, Hallie Stokes, also fit in somewhere in all of this. Well, when all else fails, there's always time travel. So, let's do this shit!

History Lesson: Back in 1795 (or whenever), after Angelique indirectly caused almost everyone to die, all that was left was Barnabas' father, Joshua. A cold-hearted man who was left broken and defeated by all of this. After locking Barnabas in his coffin, Joshua adopts his own nephew, Daniel, who all future Collins' come from. Basically, Daniel took Barnabas' place.

In 1840, which is where we're headed, there lives Daniel's sons. One of which is named Quentin, who is master of Collinwood. The other one is a jealous dick in a wheelchair. Seemingly harmless, Gabriel might prove to be quite dangerous. Julia arrives in 1840 via "the stairway in time", supposedly created by 1840 Quentin at some point. Julia manages to convince everyone she is a memeber of the family before Barnabas can even join her. An overzealous Julia decides to let Barnabas out of his coffin, thinking he must have joined her by now. Big mistake! Julia is now stuck with the Barnabas we originally knew. Evil Barnabas with no knowledge of the present. Not a good time for this!

Eventually, Barnabas of old is possessed by his present self, but not before he causes a little old school havoc. In 1840, we have old Ben Stokes and old Daniel Collins from 1795, as well as young Edith Collins from 1897. So, that's fun. I'll say this is one gloomy generation we have here, but one of the most entertaining. Especially Gabriel. It seems like there was a completely different turn of events getting ready to be put into action, but we'll never know how that might have gone. Gerard Stiles is not a good guy. Not necessarily evil, but he has his best friend, Quentin, fooled. Gerard seemed to have made plans to steal Quentin's wife, house and money. Though after getting possessed by Warlock, Judah Zachery, it seems like all that is still going to happen. However, something more sinster is now brewing underneath. Quentin, the future of the Collins family, is being framed for witchcraft. And if found guilty, he will be beheaded just like in the good old days. And if that happens, everything that belongs to Daniel goes to Gerard. Because Daniel is an idiot.

The stakes have never been higher, as Barnabas and Julia realize if they don't get it right this time, it's over. If Quentin dies, all is lost, and Collinwood is destroyed. Gerard is actually a victim in all of this, too, come to find out. Not that it matters at this point. To complicate things further, Angelique is still around. Unfortunately, not the semi-reasonable Angelique who helped out in 1897. Rather the Angelique of 1795 who only has those events to go on. So, to say Barnabas and Julia need to handle this carefully would be an understatement. During this time, we learn a lot about Angelique, and are shown sides of her never seen even in the present. Angelique has some difficult decisions to make, but ultimately, will be given the chance to prove, once and for all, that she still has some human left in her.

In a lot of ways, this storyline, which is the last great one of the series, brought everything full circle. It was originally an attempt at getting back some of that past glory 1897 provided, as there were many similarities. However, I think this one might have turned out a bit more epic. Definitely darker. Just a damn good finale... that is, if it had been the finale. 1840 sure felt like the final storyline there for a minute, but there is one more. A storyline that should have never happened, but things got throw a little off course in the latter part of 1840. Jonathan Frid's contract ran out and he refused to resign if the Barnabas character wasn't put on the shelf. Did he go crazy or did he just want to make us all sad? Serious question. I don't know, but 1840 turned out to be the last storyline involving ANYONE we associate with this show. Because, without Barnabas, the writers probably didn't know what the hell to do, so, they winged it. We get to see one last scene, showing us how happy everyone is that the present has been restored, and then it happens: We, the viewer, are sent back to 1840 and locked in the Parallel Time room where we shall remain. We will never know what became of the Collins' we know and love, but instead, are stuck with this weird, transitional period. Or at least that's what it was meant to be.

So, we've just about reached the end. 1841 Parallel Time is indeed a lousy time to be alive. It's a decent storyline which continues the same DS brilliance, but without Barnabas and pals, we're given little reason to get invested. Although we might as well make the best of it, right? So, this Collins family has lived under a curse since 1680, and it was placed upon them by ancestor, Brutus Collins, for reasons. The curse is as followed: A lottery must be held once every generation with the lucky winner having to spend the entire night in a cursed room without dying or going crazy. If that can happen, then, curse over. Obviously, this has never been accomplished. If they refuse, you ask? Well, don't.

Meanwhile, we are introduced to Jonathan Frid's new character, Bramwell. Bramwell is the son of Parallel Barnabas and Josette. That's right. In this time, those two had the normal life they expected. I'm sure real time Barabas would be just thrilled to know that. Although at least he's alive. Parallel Barnabas has actually been dead for a while. Barnabas' son is the poor, resentful outcast of the family. The black sheep, I guess. Bramwell is in love with Catherine Harridge (Lara Parker), and he knows the feeling is mutual, but she's about to marry Morgan Collins instead. This love triangle storyline is a bit of a throwback to the non-Horror romance that was once more common on this show. And pretty amusing watching a Jonathan Frid character chasing after a Lara Parker character. I can't imagine where the show was headed after this storyline, but unfortunately, we will never know that either. After a few weeks of 1841 PT, Dark Shadows was cancelled, significantly speeding up it's culmination. The final episode was treated merely like the end of another storyline, with a cliffhanger ruined by a voiceover, confirming that it is indeed the end.

Yeah, that happened! A little slip in the ratings and gone forever! ABC didn't even give them a chance to get their shit together. Us Dark Shadows fans will forever be haunted by this unfair turn of events, and will always wonder what else was about to go down because it had to be something. While we could have used an actual finale with actual closure, we are still so lucky Dan Curtis had that dream. And we're lucky he didn't give up until this show was a reality, and once again, didn't give up until the show was what it was meant to be.

And would you believe everything I've told you doesn't even scratch the surface? I mean that about covers it, storyline-wise, but I won't talk your ear off with every little detail. And yeah. I did fail to mention SO many characters. So, shout-out to Joe Haskell, Lamar Trask, Eve, Aristede, Carl, Jenny, and Melanie Collins. And so many more who made this show what it was. So much great material which the writers deserve full credit. However, this show would have been nothing without such tremendous actors as Thayer David and John Karlen, who must have played at least half a dozen characters each. Same for Joan Bennett, who was hardly in her prime, here. More of an expensive piece of furniture than a main character, but still the mother of the DS family, just the same. Oh, and those wonderful screw ups! If you've seen this show, you knew I had to mention the fact it was never afforded the luxury of a second take. So, Boom mics in plain view, crew members wandering on set, forgotten lines. The entertainment just never ends... Much like this review. Just kidding. I'm almost done. Just a few more words if you don't mind.

It's funny to think about how Dark Shadows started out, but only if you consider how it later ended up. A Soap Opera Mystery/Thriller about an orphan searching for herself in an unfamiliar and haunting environment. An environment which is only a reflection of the tortured family who finds a place in her heart. As does their gloomy, old house, which holds an endless amount of secrets. It's hard to think of a show like that becoming anything else, but some things must evolve or die, and Dark Shadows chose to evolve. Somehow, the show I just described turned into a seemingly endless cornucopia of supernatural intrigue. More specifically, the story of a time traveling vampire with a guilty-conscience, who will do literally anything to keep his relatives safe. A vampire being stalked and tormented through the centuries by a heartbroken witch, not out of hate, but love. That's good shit, is it not? Of course, none of this is to be overshadowed by Collinwood, itself, which, at times, seems like the uncredited main character. It began with Victoria and ended with a bunch of imposters, but this is the story of Barnabas Collins. it just is. A man who had his whole life ahead of him. A man who had Collinwood coming to him, as well as the Collins fortune, yet all Barnabas ever found was dark shadows. 10/10



#Review

Angela Baker Is A Dick, Now!



Can't a Horror film ever just be SO good that it's above having sequels? No, it can't. The better a movie is, the more of a chance it has of gaining a following. And the more of a following it has, the more of a chance there is of at least one sequel being made. Call it greed, call it smart. It can be annoying. Not always, but we've all been annoyed once or twice after hearing of plans to follow up on a story that needs no follow up. Most of these are nothing more than obvious cash-grabs which offer nothing new, but some, you know the ones, just plain don't need to exist. From a fan's standpoint, I mean. Some sequels may even manage to ruin the original for some. Or so they say. That's not exactly where I'm going with this, though. I'm not saying I hated Sleepaway Camp II and III enough for it to affect my feelings on the original. I don't even hate them at all, really. There's actually nothing wrong with either movie, considering they're nothing more than late 80's Slashers. BUT do they really need to be Sleepaway Camp sequels? Does Pamela Springsteen really have any business playing older, more hypocritical Angela Baker? You know what? Don't answer that...

OK, then. Absolutely anything is fair game, even if the original director or none of the actors are available. Point taken. I guess all one can do is something different at this point. And that is absolutely what we get with 1988's Sleepaway Camp II. A Slasher sequel which comes off more like a light parody of all the Camp Slashers of the day. One could say it's more like an example of certain people not giving a shit about continuity or anything that made the original great. Certain people who were probably hoping all the Horror fans would just shut up and have fun with it. Ugh... Fine!

Let's just forget everything we would expect from Angela Baker, five years removed. The creators of this movie basically start from scratch, and not so much replace the character, but rather redefine it. That's where Pamela Springsteen comes in. Pamela is a new kind of Angela Baker. An Angela who has left the past behind. No longer will she let her penis make her feel inferior. No longer will she let past tragedies and a questionable upbringing drive her to murder. I mean, Angela still murders... ALOT, but it's mainly when someone annoys her. Plus, she does now seem fully aware that it's actually happening. If nothing else, that is a step in the right direction.

Due to there being practically no story, here, I feel no obligation to get too specific, but this film is about a super-positive yet irritable camp counselor, who is obsessed with providing the perfect summer for everyone. However, in her eyes, the perfect summer is impossible if everyone isn't being perfect. I'm not sure when Angela decided she had the right to hold everyone to the highest possible standards, but considering her past, Angela Baker has a lot of nerve, acting like that. Nevermind her present. Anyone who gets out of line, breaks the rules, or just gets on Angela's nerves, gets "sent home". Or atleast that's her story. Angela has been killing again, and unlike that last killing spree, she seems to be having a lot of fun with this one. Will Angela still be having fun once she realizes she's killed literally everyone, this time? 5/10

Why do these movies always come in 2s? Basket Case 2 and 3, Toxic Avenger 2 and 3. You know what I mean. And naturally, Sleepaway Camp II would also lead to an even more pointless companion piece. Good God, why, though? Because 1989. That's why! They even went the extra mile and gave Angela some blonde highlights because she just wasn't already different enough from Felissa Rose. While, in all fairness, a disguise isn't the worst idea in the world after that shit she pulled last year. In fact, if it's still an option for Angela to change back into her original form, now might be a good time. Instead, Angela murders some girl and steals her identity. Whatever works, I guess.

Maybe those mean girls from the original movie were right. Maybe Angela isn't that bright, after all. Or maybe the writers just weren't all that creative because Angela immediately does the one thing that a killer should never do: She heads back to the scene of the crimes. Without hesitation, Angela jumps on a bus and heads back to Camp Rolling Hills, now known as Camp New Horizons. At this new camp, we find there is some kind of program for teenagers going on. "An experiment in sharing", they call it. Pairing up dickish rich kids with pissed off, inner-city thugs, I guess, to ruin their weekend. All the kids are named after Brady Bunch siblings, and the people running the show are Herman and Lily. No, really! Herman and Lily! Herman is played by that one guy from Bonnie And Clyde who seems to look more and more like a child molester, the older he gets. Well, I just thought that needed to be pointed out. Unlike in part 2, though, Angela seems to have decided that everyone is going to get it before they can even do anything to piss her off. How very "Jason" of her.

Unfortunately for Angela, there's also a cop hanging around. A cop who had a son who was decapitated around here about a year ago. He knows who did it, and when he finds her, he's going to blow her head off. Of course, he's going to have to find her, first. Thank goodness for bleach, eh? Angela will worry about him, later. Right now, there are some very annoying teenagers who need to be brutally murdered in the most creative ways possible. Some of them casually use racist terms. Some, only when provoked, some are just in the way. What I find strange about this movie is that, while Angela does seem to be killing more for fun, this time, these teenagers actually seem far more deserving than those from last year. Pretty much everyone in this movie deserves to die... besides the obvious. 4/10

So, what would be better titles for these movies? Sorry. Sleepaway Camp II and III aren't cutting it for me. There are only two, in my opinion: The one with the twist and the one with the fat piece of shit. I don't know. Any generic title would do. These movies aren't anything special, but they're entertaining enough to not need to ride the coat tails of a good movie. And they're certainly better than any other slashers that were coming out at the time. So, never let it be said that I never said anything positive about these bastard sequels. I will say this, though. I've never seen the point in bringing back the character of Angela without the original actress. Especially when replaced with someone who looks/is nothing like her, but if that's not an Elephant in the room to you, then, that's great. While I do like Pamela Springsteen and these movies (mildly), sorry. Not buying it. Never will.



#Review