Some movies, you just know you're not going to like. You don't even need to see the trailer. You just know. However, some movies, people won't shut up about, so, curiosity takes over as it usually does. And just like that, I had a new least favorite movie. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but today's movie, at the very least, is candidate for most unlikable film of the 2010's. Bold statement? Fuck no! Spring Breakers is what's on my mind, today, and today, I'm in a foul mood. So, today, I'm in need of a rant. And a rant is exactly what Spring Breakers has coming... bitches!
Some bored, small town sluts want to go down to Florida for the wild Spring Break they've always heard about but never got to experience. It becomes obvious right off the bat that they put this Spring Break thing on quite the pedestal, as their lack of funds drives them to petty crime. Seemingly a one time thing, but before anything can happen, this week, well, let's just say that restaurant ain't gonna rob itself. So, in the most detached manner possible, the dumb sluts rob a restaurant and take it to Florida for the the most amazing experience they've ever had. An experience they will cherish forever and ever. An experience that will be so profound and life-changing, it's just plain meant to be. Now, let's go get drunk with a bunch of strangers!
These giggly college chicks come off more like JV Cheerleaders who just recently discovered boys and rap videos. Well, they're headed to the right place. What the girls find in Florida are the most obnoxious partiers, well, in the state of Florida, drinking, cussing, dancing and middle-fingering as hard as they can. It goes without saying that these small town sluts have now found their paradise. As they join in the fun, they make mention of their Spring Break and themselves like it's all such a bigger deal than it is. It's almost like they've all been taking tons of acid, and now, they see "symbolism" everywhere. Get over yourselves! Oh, and it's just fucking Spring Break! If THIS is going to mold who you become in life, you should just go ahead and kill yourselves.
After what seems like a 3 hour-long Girls Gone Wild commercial, we are treated to the only turn of events I found amusing: The girls end up getting arrested, shattering their little Spring Break fantasy, and reminding them that life isn't perfect, which seems to genuinely confuse them. Still taking for granted that their fun week was 100% deserved, they sit there and ponder how fate could be wrong. The sluts are eventually bailed out of jail by a walking joke with big dreams and an empty head, named Alien. A small-time Rapper who is shallow and flashy enough to keep these girl's attention, indefinitely. They're flattered by Alien's sweet talk and just as impressed by all his stuff as he is, if not more. While it doesn't seem like he means them any harm, it's pretty obvious Alien is full of shit in just about every way. Although this is never acknowledged. Much like the small town sluts, Alien seems like he may be too stupid to even realize how full of shit he is. It happens.
Alien and his new friends (minus one who took off) dance, fuck, drink, play with guns, throw their middle fingers in the air, all the while acting like it's all a far deeper experience than it is. All of this goes on at an infuriating rate until an actual storyline comes along involving Alien's feud with an actual black guy. Alien lays on the sweet talk extra thick, finds some pussy masks, and convinces his hoes to help him take out his enemy, so they can continue having Spring Break forever. Because that's a thing, apparently.Yeah, I get it. But only because it was explained to me afterwards. Tongue-in-cheek, right? If you say so. I feel like it's all far too unlikable for it to make any difference, to be honest. Maybe those who are more familiar with the films of Harmony Korine would appreciate all the subtleties. To me, Spring Breakers comes off like it was made by some shallow loser who merely wanted to show the world how fun Spring Break can be. From what I understand, Spring Breakers is deep pretending to be shallow pretending to be deep. Or at least that's the story they're going with. I'm still having a hard time seeing past the shallow and the obnoxious, and I refuse to believe I'm the only one. All I see is a bunch of fucking retards stroking their own egos, while this imaginary self-awareness is somehow supposed to make it all really cool. Either way, here's something for the terminally uncool to live vicariously through, while pretending to appreciate the satirical aspect. Nice try, fags! We both know why you like this movie. 2/10
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