Freddy Vs. Some Tall Fucker In A Hockey Mask



As an 80's kid who happens to be a lifelong Horror fan, I always loved those Friday The 13th and Elm Street movies, and had them all rented before I even reached my teen years. A decade or so later, after hearing rumors upon rumors of a Freddy Vs. Jason, such a movie was finally released when I was in my early 20's. At this point, I wasn't as into the genre as I once was. Barely at all, actually. But Come on! I had to see this. And you know what? I liked it. I thought it was a lot of fun. And I considered it to be worth the wait. But I should also point out that I was blind drunk when I watched this movie. As I was more often than not at that point in my life. So, there's that.

The 80's gave us more Horror characters than we knew what to do with. Some more memorable than others. But none more memorable (or profitable) than Robert Englund's Freddy Kreuger and the character of Jason Voorhees which was perfected by Kane Hodder, after years of being passed around like a cheap whore. The late 80's saw the height of these characters' popularity. And soon, rumors about a collaboration arose. One way or the other, Freddy Vs. Jason needed to happen. For the fans as well as the money hungry studio execs who know dick about Horror, but know enough to know it would be a goldmine. A goldmine in the late 80's, a goldmine in 2003. Doesn't matter. Freddy Vs. Jason is a fucking goldmine! At least in theory, it is.

As of this point, Jason is owned by Paramount and Freddy is owned by New Line. Oops! Never mind, I guess. Heaven forbid these assholes work together to give Horror fans the biggest Horror film of all time. But whatever. By the early 90's, the genre had lost a lot of steam, as well as Freddy and Jason, themselves. Although, I doubt there was ever a point people wouldn't have cared about this movie. But one day, something miraculous happened. New Line bought the rights to Jason. Game on! Let's do this! But first, let's remind everyone these guys exist by coming out with new installments of both franchises, except make them completely different, and in some cases, unrecognizable... Wait, what??

And so, Jason Goes to Hell https://trashepics.com/post/9/5/ happened. The less said about that one, the better. But at least the master Jason was in it. Good ol' Kane Hodder kept it from being completely worthless, even if he was only in a couple scenes. And the following year, the master of pretentious horror, himself, Wes Craven would return to the Franchise he created to... well, create a new Freddy. This time, he's Real, by God! Real-Freddy comes to life out of the script of the original movie, and kills old cast members. Wes, I'm sorry you're dead, ok? I really am, but fuck you!

And for years, nothing! For some time, I assumed there wasn't going to be any more movies from either franchise. Much less a Freddy Vs. Jason. And then in 2002, Jason X happened. Yeah, I know. Jason X is Jason X, and I'm not going to defend it, but this one really seemed like the end of the line for Jason. And regardless of what happens next, it still kind of is, even to this day. Not long after this, Freddy Vs. Jason is green lit. Looks like it'll be taking place before Jason X, which is weird, but still on board. However, many decisions are to be made before this movie can become reality. Remember what I said about those greedy studio execs? Believe it or not, they're still around 15 years later, and a new greedier generation has reared it's ugly head. Ok, I'm getting concerned.

And then, the first of many terrible decisions was made. Ronny Yu, director of Bride Of Chucky, has been signed on to direct. But hey! Just because he discarded all past Child's Play sequels, doesn't mean the same thing will happen, here. I mean, taking a fresh approach is great, but he's not THAT stupid, right?. I'm sure it'll be ok As long as this movie stars both Robert Englund and Kane Hodder.



Yeah, so, Hodder's out. Unbelievable! Supposedly not Ronny Yu's decision, but for whatever reason, the decision has been made to cast someone a little more similar to Part 2 Jason. But a much taller, less intimidating version. Actually, he's more or less going to be the good guy. And before I say anything else, I'll go ahead and go over the story real quick. Oh, but remember when I said Ronny Yu discarded the previous Child's Play Sequels? Well, same story, here. And you should probably know he never actually saw any of the Elm Street or Friday films, beforehand. A documented fact! But hey. Kane Hodder isn't even playing Jason, so, who really cares how bad this ends up being, anyway? It's all meaningless, now.

So, it's not entirely clear when this movie takes place. We'll say somewhere between Freddy's Dead/Jason Goes To Hell and Jason X. Since Freddy's been gone, parents of Springwood have taken steps to literally wipe out all memories of his nightmarish reign of terror. Even going so far as to get their kids on a new drug called Hypnocil, which prevents dreaming. No dreaming means no nightmares. And no nightmares means no fear. Freddy's not just dead. He's obsolete. And with the first example of lazy writing, Freddy turns into Jason's mom, gets in Jason's head and convinces him to wake up and start killing again. That's it! That's all it took for Jason to come back to life after the magic dagger finally sent him to Hell some years ago. Freddy's reasoning, you ask? So that when Jason starts killing people (in Springwood, of course), people will talk, people will get scared, and people will start remembering him... because of Jason, I guess.

Freddy's plan actually works. Problem is, Jason isn't killing to help Freddy. Jason's just killing. And I don't think Freddy wants everyone dead, as there would be nobody to torment. But as we all know, EVERYONE being dead is all Jason has ever wanted. As these bloodthirsty icons get in each other's way, tempers flare, things are said, feelings are hurt, and before we know it, Freddy and Jason set their sights on each other, leading to a showdown, while mildly entertaining, doesn't last quite as long as it should have. And to me, is quite a disappointment in the end.

Many scenarios and endings were discussed and rumored. All of which sounded better to me. But this is ultimately what we got. A story that takes almost no knowledge of either series to follow. A story that downgrades Jason from Terminator-Zombie to dim-witted victim, who is just a big, lumbering oaf, easily manipulated by Freddy, who is the real star. The only star, really, since Hodder got screwed over. And again, New Line is still Freddy's turf, so, what do you expect?

Some years passed between my first and second viewing of Freddy Vs. Jason. In those years, I managed to refresh my memory on these two legendary franchises, as well as ease up on the alcohol, which can be as good for the judgement as it is for the liver. And you know what? Not a fan. No, I don't like it at all. Wrong director, wrong Jason, no nods to any of the sequels, no Corey Feldman cameo, no cameos, period. Fifteen years to prepare and they gave us nothing! Nothing but a typical early 2000's slasher with what's her name from Destiny's Child. Seriously. Fuck her! And fuck that guy who's supposed to be Jason Mewes. So many routes they could have taken, so many cool ideas unused. Somehow, this potentially huge movie turned out to be the biggest missed opportunity in Horror history. I won't lie to you. I could have overlooked a lot if that one Elephant in the room of a casting mistake hadn't happened. but even that would only barely save it for me.

When I called this movie meaningless, maybe that was a bit harsh. I mean, we're so used to seeing Kane Hodder as Jason, and even if that wasn't as bad as it was, it was still a little late in the game to be making such drastic changes. But if I just choose to look at this as the finale to the original Elm Street franchise, which just happens to have Jason in it, then, it doesn't seem quite as bad. Of course, this is coming from a Jason guy, and someone who frankly can take or leave Freddy at this point. So, I'm just not overly concerned with what becomes of Freddy Kreuger. However, the Friday side of things just makes me sad. As dumb as Jason X was, I still prefer to think of that as the end of the Jason Voorhees saga, because in reality, it was, and there's nothing Freddy Vs. Jason can do about it. The real Jason is in another time, on another planet, doing his thing, far out of the reach of Ronny Yu. 3/10



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