A Christmas Story Christmas 2022

Bob Clark made his fair share of trashy movies, but he also did family movies. The original 1983 Christmas Story is pretty popular, as it should be. It's a Christmas classic, which makes it hard to top. They did a few indirect sequels I've never seen, as well as a DTV and fully-recast 2012 sequel that nobody watched, and now a real sequel. "Real" because it features the original cast, albeit with one mild recast. The mother from the original is retired, so they threw in Julie Hagerty, who was in another fun Christmas movie "Just Friends".

The 1983 film is set in either 1939 or 1940, but the 2022 flick (39 year gap) is set in 1973, only a 33 to 34 year gap. I guess they picked that number out of a hat, but it still made for some good old-fashion set pieces. It's funny to look back on the original as it never really feels like it's set in such a bygone era. The 70s don't seem so unrelatable either.

Peter Billingsly does good here, channeling the character perfectly after all these years. He's still got his silly daydreams, overthinking consequences, and sometimes devious plotting. He revisits his old Indiana home after the passing of his father, who he and everyone else in the town absolutely reveres. Darren McGavin perished in 2006, but there's no denying that he was amazing in the original movie. So in a way, he's still a big part of this movie.

The whole movie is about Ralphie trying to live up to expectations, and for the most part, it works. Never in the way he's expecting, but that is to be expected. Fortunately, the movie doesn't rely on too many callbacks to the original and is able to be its own thing. Worth at least one watch.

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Beyond the Edge 2016

It may be a turkey, but this tale of space madness is actually kind of interesting. Two men are on a mission to reach the end of the universe. That can't end well, can it? Pretty early into the movie, Casper Van Dien dies in a freak accident, so it's only one guy left to carry on, and what happens next gets pretty confusing.

The story is non-linear, so Casper is still in a lot of it (thank God). It chronicles the beginning of their mission, as overseen by a scientist played by Adrienne Barbeau, leading up to the days of the accident, and then somewhat beyond that. But not really beyond it. Perhaps parallel to it?

It's a bit of a mind fuck, but it's also kind of funny. It reminds me of Carpenter's Dark Star in ways, only with higher production values and no beach-ball alien. The ending is a bit cerebral, so I had to look up the interpretations of it, but whatever. Probably ought to be rated a bit higher than it is.

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Alpha Wolf 2018

Not to be confused with Alpha Dog (2006), this movie actually has canines in it. A couple's retreat turns sour after a werewolf bites Casper Van Dien, turning him into an asshole. Well, a bigger asshole than he was before.

Right off the bat, he's established as a jerk because he has a hot girlfriend, but a trip to a general store has him eying some other woman. Dude doesn't know a good thing when he has it. He seems disinterested in his woman most of the time, gradually turning into a moody carnivorous son of a bitch.

The movie reminds me of Bad Moon in some ways, only shittier. BM featured a cool dog character named Thor, whereas our dog hero in this movie is named... Larry. Not a very cool name, but at least the twist here is... also not very well done. See, the dog becomes a were-person, transforming into a human in the full moon. A mostly feral human protective of his hot female owner.

There's a missed opportunity here, though: the dog-turned-human never fucks the lady, which would have elevated the movie to (trash) epic levels. Instead, he just uses his wonderful opposable thumbs to fend off the shitty looking guy-in-a-furry-suit werewolf antagonist that is our irritable lead actor, and the brawl is underwhelming.

Not the worst werewolf movie, even as mediocre as it winds up being. Go watch Bad Moon instead. That's the alpha movie.

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Fire Twister 2015

Remember when tornado movies were all the rage? Yeah, neither do I. But for some reason, regular tornados weren't cutting it anymore. That's why they needed to utilize some elemental nonsense, hence... Fire Twister!

Featuring the greatest actor in the world, Casper Van Dien, Fire Twister is a movie about a somehow manmade fire tornado that a fire fighter (Casper) and a group of something-or-others must put a stop to. But wait, there's more! There are also mercenaries in this movie trying to put an end to the heroes, only after framing them for the weird unnatural disaster. Some corporate conspiracy bullshit, but whatever. Somehow, it ends up being pretty entertaining.

I wont say this movie is good. No no no, it's pretty fucking stupid, but quite enjoyable. There's a scene where they have to help a woman get her baby out of a tree. Casper starts climbing, reassuring her everything is okay, then begins tugging on the stroller until it falls down and all he's left with is... some baby doll? The mother gets relieved, "Oh, that's just my kid's doll," like everything is okay. We never find out where the baby actually went, but fuck it. We need to get back to stopping that tornado, whilst running from mercenaries!

When people get sucked into the fire twister, it's pretty hilarious. Apparently, the only way to stop a tornado in these movies is to blow something up in the center of it. That's what they do in the Sharknado movies, so it must be science. Sheer science!

Eventually, they fill a fire truck up with gasoline so they can make it into a literal fire truck, because the fire tornado is attracted to heat. Kinda like how those Sharknados are only attracted to Ian Zerring, but we'll forgive this bogus movie logic, because it's funny. I give this movie some rating out of a number.

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Black Adam 2022

It's amazing how much DC and Marvel rip each other off. If you didn't already know, DC is in shambles due to the WB/Discovery mess, and Marvel is an over-bloated powerhouse making some very questionable choices lately, but still... DC strives to emulate their success with some super cliche output. Dwayne Johnson promised that his Black Adam movie would be a game changer. Is it?

Black Panther^Adam is about a fictional African country that needs a hero with "Black" in the title, just to make sure that audiences know this is a movie about black power. The Rock has always been more tan than black, so he wouldn't fit in with the classical tribal African crowd, so it's more about Egypt and the middle east. He needs to reclaim the kingdom from some assholes who want to use CGI to destroy everything or whatever, but he's also an asshole. How can assholes be heroes?

This movie comes complete with your strong women archetype, the annoying child sidekick, some unfunny comic relief side character, and of course... the superhero teamup. Falcon^Hawkman, Storm^Cyclone, Ant-Man^{Atom Smasher}, and Doctor Strange^{Doctor Fate} are the good guys, here to stop the other protagonist Black Adam from killing assholes because they want "justice" and whatnot. Yeah, it's another one of those good-guys versus good-guys movies, until they unite against a common threat at the end.

God, this movie is so formulaic. The stupid kid is even trying to make things more so by telling Black Shazam how to use catchphrases and whatnot. The plots of these movies are all the same. You could put any superhero in someone's place and have the same turnout. And the villains are so one-dimensional too. Everything about this movie is a cliche.


It wasn't all bad, though. The Rock needed to put on a cape eventually, and he's pretty jacked. Plus, you have Pierce Brosnan as the sorcerer with the silly helmet, but all the other characters are generic and completely forgettable.

I hear they put a LOT of money into this movie and likely wont be seeing much if any profit. If you make the same movie over and over again, people will lose interest in the brand. It makes perfect sense why WB is going bankrupt when they output this shit.

Also, Henry Cavill shows up in the post-credits scene. Not that anyone really cares about more of that invincible asshole...

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Shiver 2012

John Jarratt plays an eccentric weirdo psychopath who kills women because he had a bad childhood. Is this another Wolf Creek movie then? No, it's based on some random novel and he plays a very different serial killer than his Aussie-native Mick Taylor. He even has an American accent! His usual method is to garrote his victims with a steel wire and cut off their heads so he can put them in a glass jar. Sounds a bit messy, but if that's how he gets his kicks...

All is good fun for ol' John Jarratt until he sets his sights on Danielle Harris. She's the one who gives him conflicting emotions after she escapes his first murder attempt. Should I fuck her, or should I kill her? Hmm... Obviously, I would prefer the first option, but he's not so sure.

While his fixation on sweet Danielle manifests, detectives Casper Van Dien and Rae Dawn Chong are on the hunt for him, and there's your movie. Danielle gives a good performance, but the movie isn't great by any means. Decent production values and a moderate amount of blood and violence aren't enough to make this movie stand out. The story isn't as tense as it wants to be, but it's far from the worst.

I did think it was funny that when he fantasizes about her, they flash images of her famous sexy photo shoot of her in her underwear on the bed.

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Skeleton Man 2004

Based on the poster art I saw, I would expect this movie to be a body horror in the likes of The Incredible Melting Man or Monsturd. That's not what this movie is. Not at all.

Two dull archaeologists brag about unearthing some trinket from an Indian burial ground, and that usually entails some cliche shaman magic. The skeleton man appears and kills the shit out of them as soon as the movie starts. I guess he's supposed to be some vengeful spirit or something. He's dressed in a black cloak, his face is a skull, and he has superhuman strength. Plus, there's some bad editing that allows his attacks to always hit people no matter what their proximity is to him. It's clear that the producers think he is a very cool character, but is he? Is he really?

Now, the main plot kicks into gear. An elite team of special forces mercenaries head into the woods to rescue another team, only to be plagued by the phantom hunter who picks them off one by one. Sounds a lot like Predator, huh? Well, this movie is a total rip-off of Predator, except instead of bodybuilders like Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers, you've got Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien.

The setup is very reminiscent of the aforementioned film. The villain has his own predator-vision, and they even rip-off some direct lines from Predator, like, "If it breathes, we can kill it." Not so subtle in your influences, huh? And to think, just a few years earlier, Michael Rooker was starring in theatrical movies, including one with the actual Schwarzenegger. Now, he's in this DTV drek.

For a movie with a 2.1 on IMDb, it's a lot more watchable than you would expect. However, it does get pretty redundant when the same shit happens over and over again. Everyone is either a terrible shot, or their bullets have no effect on skeleton man. Then he kills more people, over and over again. There's no real insight given to him or his intentions other than some tribal savage native going on a killing spree, as told by some old native who really loves beans. He wont answer any questions unless you bring him a can of beans, because beans are some kind of magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you... don't give a shit about anything that goes on in this movie. He's indestructible. We get it.

Eventually, this movie does end, and for a movie such a gnarly opening, the result is underwhelming. But it's a great way to get some turkey points, especially if you want to strive for a Casper Van Dien trifecta. That guy is in all kinds of garbage movies.

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V/H/S/99

If you like anthologies and/or found footage, this series never disappoints. The theme here is the year 1999, and we're plunged into stories about punk bands, sorority sluts, kids' game shows, the skater scene, and a trip straight to hell. I think all the segments were pretty good, but I can't delve too deep in them without giving away too much.


For those who have seen the movie, here are a few quick thoughts...


The punk band skit was a bit weak in comparison to the rest. Decent ideas and visuals, but it didn't grab me as much as the rest.
I thought the sorority hazing skit was really good. Reminds me of that Ryan Reynold's movie where he's in that very same predicament, but he didn't have spiders to exacerbate things. He might have had snakes instead, so yeah... fucked either way.
The gameshow host was also pretty funny. I loved how he made smug jabs at his less-than-wealthy participants. I found the black lady's rage a bit awkward. Did she have to strip? The ending of that bit was stupid though. Abrupt and less than satisfying.

The medusa one was entertaining, and even though those kids are assholes, I found them and their antics entertaining. It feels somewhat authentic.

And lastly, that depiction of Hell was really cool. I missed the setup and thus didn't understand the ending, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment of it.



Now comes a tangent curiosity. The next entry is already in the works. V/H/S/85, which is to suggest that it is set in 1985. Just how common were VHS and camcorders in that year? I'd imagine that technology wasn't very prevalent at the time, probably costing a lot. This is the furthest back that the series will venture thus far.

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Barbarian 2022

I really can't say much about it without spoiling it, but it's definitely an interesting ride. You don't know wtf it's about for a while. You think you have an idea, then it turns into something different. I did appreciate that it had a defined 3-act structure to keep us on our toes. It seems like abrupt differences in tone, but it all comes together. A good mix of slow-burn with some more traditional horror elements toward the end.

I also like how shitty Detroit feels in this movie. It would be a creepy place to be, that's for sure.

To my disappointment, Conan never did appear. The title is still relevant, even though it seems like it isn't for the longest time. Be patient and you'll understand why it's called that.

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Crawlspace 1986

Klaus Kinski plays a psycho landlord who spies on his female tenants through the air vents. Then he abducts them to put them through his torture devices. He's a Nazi, so that should explain enough about this doctor's anatomical curiosities.

Naturally, Klaus makes for a great villain because he was obviously a bit psychotic in real life. He reminds me of an old co-worker of mine. Not because my co-worker was a psycho Nazi, but because they're both old gray-haired men. Pretty loose logic there, but I can't help what I'm reminded of.

It's not a very long movie, and it's not very graphic, but there are some cool deaths in there. It's also interesting that most if not all of this movie takes place inside the building. It's a very confined movie, maybe not as claustrophobic as they were intending, but he does keep a prisoner in a pretty dinky sized cage, so it's confined in that sense too.

Decent flick. Gotta love those actors who can slip into psychotic roles so easily. Look at how much of an asshole he was via these IMDb trivia tidbits:

According to Schmoeller, Kinski started six fistfights during the first three days of filming.

During filming, as Klaus Kinski became more and more difficult to deal with, director David Schmoeller noticed Kinski had a crush on one of the young female actresses (Tane McClure, daughter of Doug McClure) and would always be polite and on his best behavior while she was on the set. Towards the end of filming, Schmoeller asked McClure to remain on the set as often as possible so Kinski would be more cooperative and the film could wrap sooner.

Director David Schmoeller and producer Roberto Bessi wanted to fire Kinski, due to his impossible behavior on set, but were stopped from doing so by Empire Pictures, since Kinski's name would attract viewers.

Kinski was apparently very unhappy with the wardrobe that had been selected for his character, buying a whole new set of clothes and charging the costs to the film production. Afterwards, he kept the clothes for himself.

and unrelated...

Sets are reused from Troll (1986).

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