Skeleton Man 2004

Based on the poster art I saw, I would expect this movie to be a body horror in the likes of The Incredible Melting Man or Monsturd. That's not what this movie is. Not at all.

Two dull archaeologists brag about unearthing some trinket from an Indian burial ground, and that usually entails some cliche shaman magic. The skeleton man appears and kills the shit out of them as soon as the movie starts. I guess he's supposed to be some vengeful spirit or something. He's dressed in a black cloak, his face is a skull, and he has superhuman strength. Plus, there's some bad editing that allows his attacks to always hit people no matter what their proximity is to him. It's clear that the producers think he is a very cool character, but is he? Is he really?

Now, the main plot kicks into gear. An elite team of special forces mercenaries head into the woods to rescue another team, only to be plagued by the phantom hunter who picks them off one by one. Sounds a lot like Predator, huh? Well, this movie is a total rip-off of Predator, except instead of bodybuilders like Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers, you've got Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien.

The setup is very reminiscent of the aforementioned film. The villain has his own predator-vision, and they even rip-off some direct lines from Predator, like, "If it breathes, we can kill it." Not so subtle in your influences, huh? And to think, just a few years earlier, Michael Rooker was starring in theatrical movies, including one with the actual Schwarzenegger. Now, he's in this DTV drek.

For a movie with a 2.1 on IMDb, it's a lot more watchable than you would expect. However, it does get pretty redundant when the same shit happens over and over again. Everyone is either a terrible shot, or their bullets have no effect on skeleton man. Then he kills more people, over and over again. There's no real insight given to him or his intentions other than some tribal savage native going on a killing spree, as told by some old native who really loves beans. He wont answer any questions unless you bring him a can of beans, because beans are some kind of magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you... don't give a shit about anything that goes on in this movie. He's indestructible. We get it.

Eventually, this movie does end, and for a movie such a gnarly opening, the result is underwhelming. But it's a great way to get some turkey points, especially if you want to strive for a Casper Van Dien trifecta. That guy is in all kinds of garbage movies.

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