Halloween Resurrection

I used to think this movie was bad, but it's worse than bad. It's one of the dumbest money grabs I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

We'll start with the god-awful retcon... In H20, Laurie gives Michael a slew of stabbings to the chest before he falls off the second-story balcony. While she's headed down the stairs to give him the final blow, a paramedic finds him and examines him before Michael awakens and rises to his feet to crush the guy's throat. Michael proceeds to undress himself, then undress the paramedic, then redress himself in the paramedic's clothes, then redress the paramedic in his clothes, position him exactly as he fell, stab the knife into his chest, and casually walk away ALL BEFORE Laurie can make it down a single goddamn set of stairs.

Then we have that shitty asylum scene where all the guards are either incredibly scarce or incredibly inept, and somehow, Laurie has the gall to escape and set a trap within 5 seconds of getting to the rooftop and...

Ugh... Why am I bothering explaining this to any of you? We all know it's the dumbest shit in the entire franchise. Even worse than H6's convoluted cult garbage, and worse than Rob Zombie's shit-stains on the series.

Rick Rosenthal directed this entry, and John Carpenter admitted that H2's production was subpar on Rick's account and required his intervention to make it the honorable entry it is. So they brought back that guy to make this stupid fucking movie as if he was a respected series veteran.

"How can we make this movie any worse?" the producers asked. Well, cast Busta Rhymes and cater to a juvenile MTV crowd and use a shitty angry-looking mask instead of an emotionless mask, and let them all dig their own graves with their own stupidity.

I don't understand how our victims felt so trapped in the Myers' house. It's a small fucking house! There's no excuse for it. Oh no, he's coming after you! But don't dare drop off the second story and run for help, because that's not in the script! The script calls for us to ignore common sense and act like a bunch of cunts.

This movie made me embarrassed to be not only a franchise fan, but a horror fan in general. It's a disgrace, and it wasn't the only turd in 2002. This movie fucking SUCKS.

#Review

Midnight (1982)

Based on a novel by writer/director John Russo, Midnight is a grainy forgotten nightmare about a runaway who gets herself in deep with a family of satanists. Sounds pretty cool, right? Well, it isn't that great, but it has enough charm to keep me satisfied.

The prologue establishes our villainous family with a young girl caught in a bear trap. They claim her to be a demon taking the appearance of an innocent girl, much in the vein of Bill Paxton's "Frailty", but they don't keep this theme going very long. They're really just a bunch of assholes, and we'll see that soon enough.

Cut to the "present" with our teenage heroine Nancy on her way to have some fun, only her drunken fool of a stepfather starts making advances on her. This asshole is played by Lawrence Tierney, so he's automatically fun to watch. His build and mannerisms remind me of my grandpa. It also helps that they were both drunken buffoons, but that's besides the point. Ol' stepdad demands hugs and kisses from Nancy, forcing her onto the bed where she gives him a very light tap on the head with a tiny little radio and he's out like disco. Thus begins Nancy's adventure into hell.

Before anything gets too hairy, she hitches a ride with a couple of dudes for some light-hearted fun. One of them likes her, but the other is mad that she's impeding on their bro time, so he's reluctant to keep her around. Part of this is because he's black, and the group faces some racism along the way, so he's only looking out for his best interests, considering she's a minor and all.

After stealing some groceries for the road, the police are after them. Yup, the police are in pursuit of a trio of kids for stealing some food. Kind of weird if you ask me, but whatev.

What's funny about this is they play such an upbeat song throughout the whole movie about midnight and runaways. "You're on your own! You're all alone! You can't go home anymore!"

Well, eventually, the trio runs into a family of psychos and that's where the movie really begins. I was initially drawn to this movie because it features John Amplas from Romero's "Martin". This movie is a product of that Pittsburgh crew, featuring effects by Tom Savini. Normally, that would sound like a great thing, but there aren't many effects in this movie. Savini was in autopilot mode, but it's still better than nothing.

The movie draws inspiration from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, though a lot of this is due to the grainy VHS look. This movie is oft considered a video nasty, even though it's pretty tame, but I really love that ugly aesthetic.

There's not a whole hell of a lot to say about this movie, but I've always thought it was a decent effort, and I wouldn't mind seeing more from John Russo.

Apparently, there's a sequel AND a recent remake, so I'll keep my eyes out for those.

Fun trivia from IMDb:

Was released in some theaters as "Backwoods Massacre".

Despite some similarities to Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), director/writer John A. Russo said he had never seen the film at the time he wrote and shot Midnight. According to him, Chainsaw was not an influence.

Tom Savini turned down an offer to do the special effects for Friday the 13th Part 2 (1982) and worked on this movie instead. (what a fool!)

The budget of the film was so low it was shot with only a crew of three, including director Russo himself.

Shot years before its eventual release in 1982.

#Review

Cheerleader Camp (1988)

When it comes to slashers, the tail end of the 80s almost became a caricature of itself, but that doesn't make these movies any less fun. Anchor Bay discs were pure gold to horror fans, and Cheerleader Camp is one of those titles I was perfectly happy blind-buying because of this.

Who doesn't like cheerleaders? Who doesn't like camp slashers? Who wouldn't want to watch these two glorious things mingle? The ladies here are fine as fuck and the vibes are just right.

Betsy Russell plays our lead cheerleader, who right off the bat is kinda crazy. She has weird dreams and she's insecure, but only the screenwriters would know why. For those who don't know, Betsy was in a Saw sequel or three playing Jigsaw's wife, and this here is where she got her horror start. This lady is super hot I wish she would have gotten naked in this movie.

Of course, the other ladies are plenty hot too, and they do get naked. There's a fair amount of titties here, but we have other great things to elevate this into a more memorable film, such as George Buck Flower in a more prominent role than he'd usually been given, as well as a fun-loving fat guy (Travis McKenna) who's pretty damn awesome in his own right. If he isn't spying on our girls, someone else is, because this movie is all about voyeurism.

Some of the kills are kinda lame, but there's no shortage of blood and guts. I say they're lame because they're off-screen kills or they don't show the actual stabbing sometimes, but other kills make up for it.

The film is a whodunnit, so our killer doesn't have a costume or mask or specific weapon, but it isn't a big deal considering how much fun the movie is. There's plenty of leeway throughout for shennanigans, which oddly enough remains even after several bodies are found.

People getting killed at camp? Call the sheriff, but don't think too much on it. We're still going to have our cheerleading competition if it kills us! And funny enough, our primary group of cheerleaders are pretty shitty at what they do, but who fucking cares? It ain't about being the best of the bunch. It's about killing the whole bunch so you're the best by default.

A few years later, Betsy Russell would return to a different cheerleader camp in "Camp Fear" 1991, which uses the same cover art from 'Bodycount' and even has Buck Flower back as 'wino'. It was written as a sequel, so I'd love to check that one out.

#Review

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Why? Because it's the 4th of July, and John Connor is going to get murdered by the T-850 on July 4th, 2032, so it's barely relevant!


T2 left a big set of shoes to fill, and it took 12 years before they shat out another movie, so it had to be good, right? Well, sorta.

Since James Cameron and Linda Hamilton refused involvement (and Eddie Furlong was a junkie at the time), this one relies solely on Arnold's star power, which is enough to make it a passable entry. Surely, without our epic cast and crew from the previous entries, we needed to beef up our storytelling with this entry, so who better to write this movie than the guys who wrote Married with Children and Halle Berry's Catwoman?

Yeah, that's a real head-scratcher right there... what's even more confusing is how they hired these guys back to write the next movie too, but we're not talking about that piece of shit. We're talking about T3, Arnold's last big movie before he ran off to destroy California or whatever he was doing for 8 years.



So with Cyberdyne destroyed, our writers decided to demean the ending of T2 by saying those fuckers didn't do a good enough job and thus spawned a near identical company, Cyber Research Systems, to fill in. What we get is a total rehash of T2 with less humanity and more explosions.

With that said, it isn't all bad. I really hate how every subsequent entry creates an even more powerful and more ridiculous impervious killing machine, as if the T-800 wasn't enough, but she (the T-X) does alright I guess. I remember being at a Terminator panel in 2014 and Robert Patrick was hitting on Kristanna Loken. That was pretty funny. She's okay as the villain, but definitely overpowered and nonsensical. Her robot is also kind of horny, and you can see her getting off sometimes, which is pretty fuckin' weird for a robot.

Nick Stahl plays John this time around, and he bears a stronger resemblance to Michael Biehn than Furlong. I have no beef with him in the role since he's a pretty good actor. Claire Danes is shoe-horned into the role of empowered woman because the writers probably needed to rewrite Sarah's role for her.

Since history was "changed", our continuity is a bit off, but it's passable. Our 2029 "history" in which Skynet's defense grid was smashed and "we'd won" is now considered an alternate timeline, and our main travelers come from 2032. Whatever keeps the story going, right?

I'm also very stumped as to why this movie had so much comedy in it. Like seriously, wtf? The original movie was bleak and haunting, and this one feels compelled to throw in some comic relief every few minutes. Then part 4 didn't have ANY comedy, and then part 5 had even MORE comedy...

Fortunately, the movie redeems itself with a downer ending that paves the way for what must happen to avoid anymore paradoxes: Judgment Day. What's also unique about this movie is that is was still following the primary continuity. It wasn't part of that shitty trend of picking and choosing which movies you were going to follow and which ones you were going to ignore. It simply followed the previous movie, which is what sequels used to do.

I definitely feel that this movie lacked the depth and complexity of the first two movies, but as an irrational terminator fan, I overlook these things because I'm obsessive. It's not a great Terminator movie, but it is a great Arnold movie.

#Review

Ghoulies go to College (1990)

WTF is a ghoulie? Well, they're small demons that are summoned out of a toilet, obviously. Going to college is the third venture of these hooligan gremlin rip-offs. I saw this entry before I saw the others, and what is there to say about the others?

All I can remember about the first one is that I don't remember any of it. The 4th movie was made by Jim Wynorski, who has a tendency to make sequels to films he hasn't seen, so his movie retains little to none of the lore, so where does that leave us for part 3? Surprisingly, in a good place.


This 1990/91 sequel is fresh out of the 80s and it retains a lot of that atmosphere. Our setting is a college under a severe and inconsequential prank war. Nobody here cares about academics, and it pisses off the dean, Professor Ragnar, played by a maniacal and over-the-top Kevin McCarthy. I always liked that guy, and he had to stoop down to some petty shit like this movie, which makes me like him even more.

The cast is pretty good, featuring a few familiar faces from Heathers, a bunch of hotties, an inept security guard (Stephen Lee), Jason Scott Lee and Matthew Lillard before their big breaks, and Kane Hodder as "Man in Rolling Mop Bucket". After all, Kane was friends with director John Carl Buechler, who happens to be known for his effects, and this movie has some goofy effects and zaniness to keep it fun and light-hearted.

Considering how much emphasis is placed on the pranks and panty raids, this movie makes college look like so much fun, and the ghoulies almost take a back seat to everything else. Of course, none of these college antics would fly in today's age of PC bullshit. When I went to college, I had to sign a form promising I wouldn't rape anybody. This movie was more like Animal House. Very stupid, and a lot of fun.

#Review

10 to Midnight (1983)

Last night at about 10 to midnight, I decided to put this movie on. It's a fairly decent early 80s detective story about the one and only Charles Bronson as he hunts a fit young asshole who hates women. Now this dude clearly has issues, stripping naked before he pursues his young attractive victims. There has to be something sexual about what and why he does these things, but he doesn't try anything dirty on them. He just wants to kill him. What a weirdo.

As the pieces connect, you begin to notice this guy has his alibis and defense strategies all planned out, advised by his low-moral lawyer played by the great Geoffrey Lewis. It becomes less about who did it and more about how do we stop this guy when we don't have the evidence to convict him?

Bronson is the older and more jaded detective here, willing to break the rules to catch the bad guy, whereas his partner is new and virtuous. Fortunately for us, this isn't that guy's movie. This is Bronson's movie.

Oddly enough, there isn't a lot of Bronson action in this one. He's mostly there in the background trying to piece things together while we follow the main villain, who seems like a valid inspiration for Patrick Bateman in ways. This dude is trying to steal the show, but in the end, Bronson reminds us whose movie this really is.

I also love the abruptness of the ending. As soon as the climax is over, the credits roll. We know what we just watched, so there's no need to wrap it up with some boring epilogue of characters trying to explain things. When it's over, it's over.

#Review

The First Purge (2018)

Wow... the only Purge movie I've been avoiding turns out to be the only one I liked. I figured it would be a politically motivated movie, but... of course it is. It also happens to be the only way in hell that this series' ridiculous premise could ever get off the ground. Government subsidized rioting with undercover mercenaries to take out the lower class.

I actually liked the characters. The buff hero was pretty bad-ass, and the progression was decent too. People are unsure how to react, starting off as a rather slow night until killing becomes commonplace. Participation is incentivized with more government money, so the poor black people of Staten Island are the first, which naturally paves the way for psycho junkies, nazis, KKK, and weirdos.

Making the original film set in the future allowed this movie to be slightly more contemporary, which coincides with (even predating the Floyd stuff) all this racial tension these days. The timing of this in regards to the BLM and Hollywood's own 'purge' seem oddly connected somehow, but throw all that shit out of your mind and this movie is entertaining.

#Review

Stripped to Kill (1987)

Kay Lenz plays Cody Sheehan, a detective going undercover at the Rock Bottom strip club to find out who's been killing the dames!

Right from the start, you'll notice the film likes to be gratuitous with its female dancers. Some of them are pretty flat, but who cares? You'll also notice Roger Corman's name in the opening credits as a producer. He used to produce some great sleazy once he got tired of directing so much, and this isn't an exception.

The kills themselves aren't terribly graphic, but they sure are cruel. Our villain likes to douse its victims in gasoline before setting them ablaze, but the bodycount isn't too high. It may drag a bit in the middle, but our protagonist isn't the worst actress, and it's a rarity to see the lead take her top off.

Not a lot of movies come to mind where this happens. Of course, I instantly recall the heroine of The Funhouse going topless in the shower right at the beginning of that movie, but I can't think of many other examples. Our hero doesn't care though, because it's her job as both an actress starring in this movie and as a stripper IN this movie. Of course, after a while of doing this, her male partner (and likely love interest) starts getting pissed that she'd rather be a stripper than a cop...

By the time the end comes around, it really ramps up with a good and long chase scene. I should have predicted the killer easily, but I'm not a detective. I'm just along for the ride, and it wasn't half bad.

#Review

Mortal Kombat!

It's been a while since I actually had a movie I was looking forward to seeing. I was obsessed with the 1995 movie when I was a kid. I had the games, the action figures, clothing, sticker books... then MK Annihilation came out and I lost all my faith in something I once loved... I even tried revisiting that turkey a few days ago, but goddamn it was terrible. Couldn't make it past a few minutes, but we're washing our hands of all that! It's been decades, so they had to finally get their shit together, right?


Let's face it. Scorpion and Subzero are the faces of Mortal Kombat, and they're given much better characterizations this time around, because before... well, they didn't have any characterization. They were just henchmen, but the story revolves around them a lot more this time around.

I used to think Scorpion was the bad guy, but this movie paints a new picture (that fans of the newer games ought to know already). The intro shows us their history way back in the 1600s, and you can tell right away that this movie isn't fucking around.

I was a bit disappointed to find out that there was no Johnny Cage in the movie, being replaced by a newcomer Cole, and he's alright I guess. Most of the gang is there though, and they're well represented and well cast. Kano happens to be the comic relief this time around, and there's a fair amount of buildup and training that leads to a bunch of big fights in the end.

They tried to work in a lot of character details and a few fatalities and flawless victories. None of that stupid shit like friendships or babalities though, obviously. Some brutal scenes, but nothing I would call a brutality though (onslaught of attacks until the opponent explodes), but don't get me wrong... there are still exploding heads and severed limbs and soul sucking and freezing and burning and stabbing and slashing and blood and guts. This movie knows its audience and earned it's hard R rating.

There is some resolution, but it's definitely set up for a sequel, which I would definitely watch. I'm pretty satisfied with it.

#Review

Parenting 101: An Ozploitation Abomination



As we all know, not all parents are great. I believe most parents, while far from perfect, either try their best, or more commonly, believe that they do. Either way, I figure most parents are mediocre. Better/smarter than their offspring gives them credit for, while probably not quite as great as they consider themselves. Unfortunately, they can't all be Ward and June, or even remotely decent in some cases. Sometimes crazy people have children. Like Bubby's mum for example. Left high and dry, and knocked up 35 years ago, Bubby's mum probably shouldn't have been allowed to be a parent, but she went ahead and gave it a shot anyway. 35 years later and we have one fucked up man-child on our hands.

I'm sure it's a bit more complicated than it seems, and no doubt a long story, but we'll just say Bubby doesn't really have a mind of his own. Bubby's only way of communicating is mimicking the random phrases he hears, most of which come from his dear mum. This mentally deranged woman keeps her son in a dark, dingy apartment, keeping him in the dark in more ways than one. Bubby has been told he will die if he goes outside without a gas mask, as the air is poisonous. So, it goes without saying the obedient Bubby stays indoors, and apparently always has. Cooped up with mum in a tiny, smothering world of poverty and physical/sexual abuse. Abuse Bubby is oblivious to because this is the only reality he has ever known. And we might as well be honest: Bubby doesn't exactly hate fucking his mother every night. And as we observe, he very much prefers it. Whether it was by design or not, Bubby needs this woman for everything: To bath him, to dress him, to prepare his meals and to tell him when to eat them. Bubby has probably never been allowed to do anything for himself, therefore he may not even realize that he can.

Bubby does things for his mum too, like applying her favorite lipstick, "Princess Pink". And yes, this comes off every bit as creepy as it sounds. Ok, he certainly enjoys shooting loads into his mum. That is confirmed. However, aside from that, who is to say whether Bubby is happy or unhappy with this life? It's hard to say. At times, he seems somewhat robotic, his brain being a clean slate, waiting patiently for anyone to fill it with their thoughts, ideas, and knowledge. It's just unfortunate that the only new information Bubby is provided comes from someone who probably needs to be locked up and/or heavily-medicated.

Is Bubby also insane? Not exactly. Probably mistaken for retarded by most, the poor boy has just never been taught how to communicate or think like a normal person. Isolated from the world and all the common sense most of us take for granted. However, this 35 year old man-child might soon be forced to learn a thing or two about life. One day, Bubby's pop finally wanders back home, ready to continue whatever the hell was going on before he took off. Pop doesn't seem crazy. Clearly an uncaring dick who is oblivious to the harm his absence has caused, but mum is the real villain, here. This only becomes more true as the plot thickens. So, now, on top of destroying a potentially normal future for her son, this woman has the nerve to cast poor Bubby aside the second her husband shows some affection. Horny and lonely, Bubby tries to regain mum's attention/vagina, even mimicking pop's insincere sweet nothings, but she doesn't want him anymore. Experiencing something resembling desperation, Bubby makes a few discoveries whilst performing some hard-to-watch experiments on the cat, and manages to discover that the outside world isn't quite as "off limits" as he was led to believe. So, Bubby does what any rational man-child in his position would do, and murders his parents. Finally free of all the abuse and deceit, the world is now Bubby's oyster.

I would imagine Bubby is pretty eager to have some fun and meet some people. I know I would be, being shacked up with the old hag for so long. However, the rotting corpse of said old hag is now a distant memory. She will always hold a special place in Bubby's heart, along with pop, but now is the time to move on and live life. It's hard to tell what Bubby's intentions are after this point, really. He knows he is now alone, but seemingly oblivious to what has actually happened. Bubby mainly just wanders around town, observing whoever or whatever catches his curious eye. Bubby still only knows to repeat the phrases of other's, possibly not realizing what he is even saying, yet he easily attracts the attention of what we will go ahead and refer to as "normal people". Just something about the guy makes certain types want to take him under their wing. A morbid fascination, I guess. Bubby's undiscriminating naivete leads to some unusual, often dark adventures, giving him all new experiences and thoughts, thus allowing him to finally evolve as a human being. And at this point, the sky is the limit for the one they now call bad boy Bubby!

For some reason, I don't normally consider Australian cinema to be all that interesting. And I'm not sure if it says more about me or them that I consider this to be, by far, the most interesting thing to come from this country. Nearly two hours long, Bad Boy Bubby sure as hell gets its point across. They spend over a half hour establishing Bubby's issues and relationship with his mum before he sets himself free, so, I'd say they pretty much got it all covered, incest and all. Perhaps one might appreciate their own parents a little more after seeing this one. Perhaps you'll feel compelled to thank them for not fucking you up so bad that you don't even know what stuff is. And if they did, then, sorry... I probably shouldn't have said anything. Oh, and if they're dead, double sorry! Didn't think about that either. Just sayin'. This one is just plain wrong. It's not every day a film leaves an impression on me, but this one certainly did just that. The story is a dark one, and even when it's not, it still totally is. There is something strangely endearing underneath all the insanity, while also kind of sad, but always fascinating. This all very much takes a back seat to the outrageousness and the absurdity of it all. Above all else, Bad Boy Bubby is hilarious. Maybe I'm in the minority, here, and I don't want to get all uppity, but I'll just say it: If you can actually sit through this entire movie without laughing, I just don't get you, and I probably wouldn't want to. 8/10



#Review