The Coffee Table (2022) - A Non-review

Hey cunts! Just thought I'd recommend this rather glorious newish flick. Is it trashy? Kinda. I mean, it's from Spain and arguably anything that comes out of that country is a bit trashy.

Thing is, I don't wanna write a review, because you genuinely should go into this knowing nothing about it. So I'm not gonna tell you anything about it. I guess if I were to give a hint, it's kinda like early Coen Brothers crossed with Ari Aster. Sounds like a fun time, right?

"But Ninja", I hear you thinking, "what the fucking pissfuck is the point of a fucking non-review that doesn't tell us a single fucking thing about the cunting movie? Why the fuck should we watch this fucking thing? Are you clinically retarded, you cuntfaced shitcunt?". Admit it, those were the exact words that went through your head.

The thing is, this movie is more than just what it's about. It's a litmus test of what kind of human being you are. If you're a decent upstanding individual with a strong moral compass, then The Coffee Table is a strong, intense horror/thriller and well worth watching. But if you're a morally reprehensible piece of shit like I am and, let's be honest, you all are, then it's so much more than that and might be the funniest movie made in quite a while. Ya know that feeling where you laugh at something and then realise that laughing at that thing makes you a vile person, which makes you laugh even harder? This movie is chock-full of that.

So give it a shot. Laugh your fucking arse off. And join me in the wonderful self-realisation that you're an absolutely revolting piece of shit. It's a mighty fine feeling.