As a lifelong ass man, I guess I can appreciate a good pair of chesticles only so much. But the appreciation is still very much present. I figure most straight males, or most males in general, dig some big udders. Hell, I'd bet on most people feeling that way, regardless of sexual orientation. Today, I'd like to talk about a film for the tit men, or tit people, rather. A film which has very little going for it, aside from the freakishly gigantic pair of knockers sported by the leading lady. Chesty Morgan is her name. A woman with chest jowls any ass man would love. Mainly because they often resemble a nice fat ass. But more on her/them in a minute.
https://www.amoeba.com/admin/uploads/blog/Eric_B/DorisWishman Double Agent 73 is the film I've chosen for this week. I don't have a lot to say about Spy movies, nor do I have much to say about the woman who directed this one. Doris Wishman was her name, and I can't really say I'm a fan of her work, or well schooled on it. She was mostly known for some Nudie Cuties she did in the 60's, as well as her contribution to the 80's Slasher craze, A Night To Dismember. A film known for being a disaster for many reasons, most of which were out of Wishman's hands. Long story. Then, there was that sex change documentary... So, yeah. I don't have a lot to say about the late Wishman, or this movie. Chesty Morgan, on the other hand. Christ, where do I begin?
The Polish-born Chesty Morgan (real name Liliana Wilczkowska) started out as a stripper in the early 70's, under the name Zsa Zsa, until she began her much too short film career, thanks to Doris Wishman's discovery of her. Double Agent 73 actually wasn't her first, as they made one other shortly beforehand. A Crime-Thriller called Deadly Weapons. "73's" existence was strictly due to it's popularity. This film is quite a few things, really. First and foremost, we'll just call it Sexploitation, or actually, Titsploitation might be a better word for it. But yeah. It's a spy movie, just the same.Chesty plays Jane, aka Agent 73, who was just a hair away from getting to enjoy a long overdue vacation, but is called back to work after Agent 99 is murdered by drug kingpin, Toplar, who Jane now has to uncover and help take down. To make things easier, there has been a camera implanted in her left fun bag, which snaps pictures when lifted. But what she doesn't know is that there has been a bomb implanted in there as well, and it's set to explode if her mission is not accomplished in 36 hours. Along the way, we are treated to some of the most wooden, lifeless acting imaginable, along with badly dubbed dialogue for Chesty, who I can only assume speaks no English, or very little.
Chesty Morgan is a true oddity, who's hotness, at least in my opinion, is somehow intensified by her lack of grace, charisma, and screen presence, along with a look in her eyes that tells me she really only has a vague idea of what is going on, not unlike Christina Applegate from Married With Children. All of this, complimented by some refreshingly tacky wardrobe choices. Chesty does not have your typical stripper body, or even that of your average B-movie sex symbol. I suppose her hotness (or lack there of) is really just a matter of opinion, when it comes down to it. I can totally understand a more conservative movie goer finding her repugnant, but in a cluelessly trashy way, I find her quite mouthwatering. The type of chick John Waters would obsess over, I would imagine. Come to think of it, I do believe that was her Justin Whalin was strokin' it to in Serial Mom. Niiice! Sure. She was never going to win a Miss America pageant, but I'd like to go on record by saying that if Chesty Morgan ended up in front of me in a human centipede, I honestly can't say I'd feel jipped.Besides Doris Wishman, I think we also owe a big thank you to Something Weird Video for putting this out there on dvd/blu-ray for a much broader audience to appreciate, Appreciation which I'm sure was far more ironic than the one before it. While watching Double Agent 73, along with Deadly Weapons, I can't help but wonder what might have been had this woman made more of an effort to get her name out there and work with more B-movie directors besides Wishman. I have no doubt that this smokin' hot anomaly, along with her lack of talent and epic sweater cows, could have gained a level of adoration and infamy equal to Divine's, had she only worked with the right people. But sadly, a Crime Thriller and a Spy movie is all we get. Even though her film career never fully came to life, Chesty Morgan's 73 inches of saggy goodness shall live forever! 4/10
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