Can we all agree Weapons is the best horror movie of the year?

#HellHouseLLC: Lineage 2025

The new installment of the Shudder franchise came out on October 30th. It's different this time around, no longer a found footage movie, but a straight up movie movie.

It started out okay with the normal clown stuff, but as it went on, I got pretty bored and zoned the fuck out. I couldn't tell you what happened after about 30 minutes.

Expect a zillion more of these movies over the next couple decades, because they're cheap enough for Shudder to shit out, just like the V/H/S movies. It's a shame, because I thought the first one was really creepy. Now, these movies aren't special.

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Happy #Halloween!

I managed to shit out another Halloween teaser video for the Jamie Lloyd story I wrote years ago. I wish they would make another Danielle Harris entry, because to me, she is Halloween. Here's the viddie, with a blatant Halloween III flare to it:

#Scream7 trailer is out. The trailer is kind of meh, but I'll still watch the movie.

@markus-san, why didn't you like the new I Know What You Did Last Summer? Too many young dumb teeny types in it for you?

#HouseOfTheDead
Part 1 (2003) & Part 2 (2005)

These movies aren't deserving of two posts. Based on a video game series, these two essential equate to Syfy channel movies, so you should already be asking yourself why they even exist.

The first is directed by Uwe Boll. Yikes. A group of college-age tools head to an island for a rave on a ship operated by Captain Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow) and his useless doomsayer shipmate Clint Howard. he doesn't want to take them there because he knows a lot of stupid shit is going to happen on that island, but money talks. When they get there, they're quick to notice that no other party-goers are there, but there are some zombies!

Once they realize they're in over their heads, Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell) shows up to shoot some zombies and then a bunch of cliché things happen. Then, we get some mad scientist type of plot about an undead dude to seeks immortality and we get a lot of cheesy action. Cheesy in a bad Syfy channel way. At some point, this movie does end, and that's a good thing. There are a few hotties in the beginning though, but the movie basically gets worse and quite generic once the zombies get involved, which is sad.

Enter the second movie. It begins in a college with Ross Patterson trying to haze some pledges. Jennifer Holland from Peacemaker is there for a couple minutes, too, as is Theo Rossi, both in completely useless roles. Sid Haig appears for a couple minutes, too, doing some mad science on a female student before succumbing to the zombie infection himself. Ellie Cornell returns Jordan Casper for a cameo role, despite having died in the previous movie.

Once the outbreak begins, some military types head in to clean up the mess, and again, the movie gets worse once the zombies get involved. The future talent is reduced to useless roles, and the established talent is also wasted in insignificant roles. Get the big names in for 5 seconds, then subject your audience to some genuine horse shit.

Where the hell have all the users gone?

#BlackPhone2 2025

Set 4 years after the last movie, our protagonist is traumatized after escaping and killing Ethan Hawke's villain known as The Grabber. He's in high school looking out for his sister and trying to protect her from nerds when she gets the spontaneous idea to sign them up as youth camp counselors. They head to the camp in the midst of a blizzard and find themselves stuck there for a while. The place has a backstory connected with them and a mystery unfolds, involving the return of the now undead Grabber.

The story involves a lot of dream mechanics and becomes strongly reminiscent of Nightmare on Elm Street. Our killer is a sadist like Freddy who targets kids, so the parallels are all there. Our main guy from the first movie is a whiny bitch this time around, always miserable and throwing himself pity parties, so the real protagonist is now his younger sister, who goes on an adventure through her dreams to further the plot.

Ethan Hawke obviously enjoys the role, though it could have been played by anybody this time around due to heavy makeup and minimal screen time, so kudos to him for diving in again. The snowy setting is a unique difference, and the dreams have a grainy film look to them with some snuff-like qualities. It's rated R, though most of the violence is in flashbacks or dreams, and I may be wrong, but I think the bodycount here is zero.

I can't point out much that's actually wrong with the movie, but I'm still not entirely wowed by it. It seems primed for more sequels since the villain is pretty iconic. They sell his masks as Walmart, and when you have that kind of marketability, you don't want to waste it.

#Scream 1981

A group of people have to spend the night in a ghost town. Little do they know that this ghost town is haunted by a ghost.

As a prequel to Wes Craven's film of the same name, this movie makes no sense. We're in Texas instead of California, and a majority of our cast is old people and retards instead of fresh-faced teens. I specifically noticed that one old fart from Twin Peaks who when Cooper got shot and needed help, he moved real slow and confused and would wink at Cooper like he was doing him a huge favor. Fuck that guy, and think of it less as a spoiler and more as incentive to watch this movie knowing that he dies early.

What's funny about this movie is that it seems to follow the basic premise of someone hears a noise, goes to investigate, and dies. Over and over again. Honestly, the atmosphere and setting are pretty good, reminding me of one of my favorite slashers Madman from the year after. Beyond the cool foggy ghost town at night aesthetic and a clear influence by Carpenter's The Fog, this movie is pretty boring.

By the end, you shouldn't care if I spoil it for you: The killer is literally some invisible ghost wielding a scythe. The storyteller guy arrives on a horse and blasts at this nothingness until it is dead and drops its weapon, and the movie is over. So Ghostface was quite literally a ghost, but he had no face. When it comes to movies called Scream, there's a reason this one is forgotten. It has a 2.8 on IMDb, and it deserves every bit of it.