Shatter Dead (1994)

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to get to hang with Tromafreak and raid his dvd collection. While trying to figure out what to watch, he suggested a movie called Shatter Dead, a title that meant virtually nothing to me. Intrigued enough by the title, I thought sure, why not! Little did I know that Shatter Dead was no ordinary movie. What I was about to experience in the next 84 mins, cannot be described by words. Never have I seen a movie, so shithouse, yet so intriguing at the same time. Be warned, the following review is highly uninteresting.

Played on a scratchy VHS tape, ominous music played as the opening credits appeared. From very early on, I was feeling a sense of dread and uncertainty. The title appeared, "Shatter Dead", plain white letters, simplistic and straight forward. Drums started playing as a female voice sung a sweet melody in the background in some foreign language. Sensually and seductively, a white haired lady was making love to a woman doggy-style. The drums kept playing and the voice kept singing. It climaxed in the white haired lady growing large white wings from her back. Then as quickly as it started, it was over as the scene cut to black and I sat there confused by the most bizarre opening scene I have ever seen. What the fuck was that?!

The scene cut quickly to 17 months later where the streets were empty as church bells rung, and our main actress, Susan, played by Stark Raven, made her way down the street. As isolated as the streets were first implied, Susan was passing many people who were hurt, bleeding and mutilated. They are all dead, yet alive. Zombies who don't need to feast on brains, but who are homeless and poor. Zombies who need to beg the living for money. As a news reporter states, the freshly dead are unsure what to make of themselves. They are simply there. Of course, not all the zombies are helpless bums, some of them are thieves. No, scratch that, RELIGIOUS thieves! Not sure why they need cars and petrol, it's not like they really do anything with it. Maybe they're zombie hoarders? They gotta do something with their eternity on earth I guess.

Now if any of you are still reading this boring write up, some of you might be wondering, "But Shaz, what caused this zombie apocalypse of useless zombies?"
Well there's a very simple and obvious explanation to that. You see, that angel chick that was rooting the other chick at the beginning of the movie, well that angered God and now people can't die. See? Makes perfect sense. They don't even need to explain that in the movie, that obvious answer is so obvious that only idiots wouldn't make that obvious connection. But director Scooter McCrae helps out the idiots by putting that little tidbit on the back of the dvd box just to help them out anyway. So yeah.... The more you know.

Anyway, we follow Susan through this post apocalyptic film and see the world through her eyes. And yeah, that's pretty much it. I don't really know why we're following her. Hell I don't even know what she's even doing. I think she might be looking for her boyfriend. They don't really make her motives very clear. Why is she wandering around aimlessly? Why does she have a gun? It's not like she can kill anyone anymore. So many questions, so little answers. Don't try to understand this movie, it's a pointless exercise. Explaining this movie is like explaining why chocolate tastes so damn good, it just can't be done. All you can do this just roll with it.

So what can I tell you about this movie? It's an SOV 90s flick for starters. But don't let that discourage you, it's actually kinda decent. It has a really awesome apocalyptic and depressing tone. The best way I can describe it, is similar in the vein to Leif Jonker's Darkness. Now that's actually quite the compliment. But let me empahsise that this movie is no masterpiece. In fact, it's severely flawed. I would even go as far as to call it sh!thouse. Despite its excellent concept, the execution sucks, often times it's kinda ridiculous to the point that I have no idea just how serious this movie is supposed to be. I suspect the filmmakers were very serious when they made this movie, yet somehow saw past the atrocious acting, terrible sounding and weird dialogue. I can only conclude that they were all high on something. And when I say atrocious acting, I mean fvcking terrible! Stark Raven has got to be the worst actress I have ever seen! No offense, Miss Raven, but they could have hired a robot with more emotion. She only has one expression. Whether she's cautious, or angry, or happy, or horny, she still has this same look on her face! And this is it!



I took that screenshot right after a character complemented her looks (proving that there is some decent acting in this). But I might as well have taken any screenshot of her at any point in the film, her expression would have been exactly the same. The only time it ever changed was during a sex scene. Must have been damn good sex, is all I'm saying.

If you visit the imdb page for Shatter Dead, you won't see many good reviews for it, in fact quite a few people hated it. If you're expecting Dawn of the Dead, you'll hate it too. But if you go in with an open mind, you'll see something truly unique. Sh!tty acting aside, this low budget SOV has some passion. Certainly there was a message in this about religion. I'm not sure what it was, but the tagline "God hates you!" might have something to do with it. Even though I might not have understood the interpretations the filmmakers had intended, they still made a damn interesting and creepy movie, with some unintentional humour and out of place jazz music to boot. And on top of that, this movie finally answered the great philosophical question that I believe everyone single one of us have all wondered in some point in our lives. No longer shall we have to wonder how to get it on with a zombie, since the lack of blood flow will prevent an erection. Shatter Dead provided the answer, that I believe shall satisfy all viewers. That comes with a Shaza guarantee.

Now, on a completely unrelated note, I visited the imdb page for Shatter Dead, and I couldn't help but notice the plot keywords. "Unsimulated sex". Really?! That can't be right...can it? I wonder which scene it was? Well there were only two sex scenes, one involving two chicks doing it doggystyle, so I tend to believe it was the other one. The one where Susan actually showed some acting range. Perhaps that was the only way the director could get her to smile? Damn that chick really needed to get laid!

So, what the final verdict? I don't know, from a cinematic standpoint it sucks the big one, but I can't help but really like it. There's just something so terrible yet so fascinating, that can only ever be experienced.



Now if any of you poor buggers are still reading this boring write up, I offer you my sincerest condolences. But to make up for it, here's a picture of a cat with a top hat.



Thankyou very much for reading this shithouse rambling. Cheers!

A .45 from the Vigilante Man!

Well, here I am. Belatedly hopping on the intro train, as it leaves the station (and hopefully not fumbling my grasp on the rail, and spectacularly flailing for a few seconds, before crashing with a sickening thud onto the rails, and lying in a crumpled heap, wondering what's worse, the embrassment at the fall, or white-hot shoot pain of my fractured physical self...).



Basic facts - I'm a Geordie - technically that makes me English, but really I'm Geordie first and foremost. I live in New Zealand with Mrs M, and the three little M's - daughters all. Can't leave the house without tripping over hobbits, elves, and whatnot. It's a bloody pain when you're putting the bins out, I can tell you. The scenery is breathtaking, though - I've been here for more than a decade, and I'm still blown away when I look out of the window.

Oh, and we also have our very own white trash - The Bogans!
https://tvnz.co.nz/seven-sharp/makes-bogan-video-5519288

Me and pop-culture:
I was born the day after The King died, and sadly, rather than being The King Reborn, I have neither the musical ability, smoldering looks, money, or killer side-burns, that made a generation of ladies wet their pants and scream.

My formative years, in terms of pop-culture at least, were the eighties - a decade which has left an indelible mark on my psyche. A chance purchase of The Incredible Hulk #297 ignited an uhealthy interest of comic books (bear in mind that in the UK at the time comics were not at all cool outside a sub-culture of nerds, geeks and later goths), augmenting (with adamantuium, naturally) an already strong love of reading. Flights of fancy were further extended by film and TV. I love the escapism, and imagination.

I inherited my love of films, and the wide range of trivia that's lodged in my grey matter, from my dad. He introduced me to the world of 'so bad it's good', B-movies, and so on. He also gave me a good grounding in good-good stuff as well, and I'm one of the few people I know who likes films that are black & white, and even ones with subtitles! I'm a fan of pretty much anything, as long as it's entertaining. He also introduced me to a world of music that went beyond the pop crap of the day, and non-superhero comics - the likes of Robert Crumb, and so on.

I've never been the most social (I met my wife in a fit of uncharacteristically sociality), always on (or slightly off) the fringe of the social groups. Generally, that guy in the background who doesn't talk much to others and gets tongue-tied around girls was me. Other factors left me feeling like the man of a thousand faces, but never knowing which one was the real me. Not until recently, anyway.

Hmmm. This shouldn't be a sob story - that's uncalled for.

Me and trash:
I think my love of trash started back in the '50s, (although I don't look old enough). There's just something about that decade that just screams trash and sleaze to me. I think it's born of several factors, amongst which are chiefly:

1. The cracking veneer of respectability. People have always had dirty little secrets, but the explosion of TV, lurid magazines and the like, seemed to start breaking through in the fifties. The nuclear family of Mom, Pop, Junior and the chick seemed so outwardly proper, but just behind the facade Mom was screwing the negro gardener, Pop was hiring rent boys, Junior was mainlining H, and the chick was banging the biker gang.
2. The birth of Rock & Roll, the Beat generation, the burgeoning civil rights movement - times were starting to change, and people were starting to take risks - this echoed through art as well as society.

There are more, but that's perhaps something for another post, but I say there's no denying the influence had on trash luminaries - in cinema John Waters and David Lynch, literature James Ellroy, comics Daniel Clowes and Charles Burns, music Frank Zappa & The Mothers - all seem to have this '50s style, with the trashy uderbelly becoming exposed.

What I really vibe to is Exploitation cinema - not every kind, but it's just what I want to watch. Chop-socky, Bruceploitation, Blaxploitation, Revenge films, Zombie films, Gang films... I love 'em. I love the cheapness, the trashyness, the grittiness, the bad acting and FX, the killer soundtracks and lurid titles. Man, I'm getting shivers just thinking about it.

I tend go through stages of just being into one sub-genre, then I move onto the next - I've been on a horror kick for about 18 months, but at the minute, I've a hankering for Urban Violence - hence my role as the Vigilante Man.

Like many others, I'd love to create. I have a thousand ideas - from kernal to fully fledged - jostling for space in my cranium, and a million scraps of paper and Word docs cluttering up my space, both real and virtual, with a scribble or a doodle on. Some (admittedly few) I think are genuine contenders for being actually good, most are rubbish, and several have mated with each other and left bastard hybrid ideas gestating in my think-box. These thoughts cover a wide range of media - e.g. I have an entire comic-book universe, complete from 1930s - present day curdling away in there, next to a hundred film ideas, a soap opera (based on my and the wife's families), paintings, a prose & animated homage to Lovevraft, a LOtR rip-off fantasy trilogy, and many, many more. All share the fact that they'll probably never see the light of day, because I have a strong tendency toward self-doubt and procrastination.

I also do a fine line in voices - probably should have been a voice actor in cartoons, but, hey I got a steady job and a family to feed!

What do I want from this site?
A cool place to hang out online, with like-minded guys and gals. To find out new shit, to get some sweet recs, and generally have a good bit of craic. And hopefully I can contribute something similar to others. That would be nice. If nothing else, I reckon I'll get your word-count-per-post average up!

So that's me in a (large) nutshell. A comic-book nerd, poor(ish) social skills, trivia buff, and tenuous connection to Elvis. I'm like a latter day Clarence Worley, though I haven't married a call-girl, shot a pimp, found a suitcase full of coke, been chased by Sicillians, or lost an eye in a gunfight with police in a Hollywood director's hotel suite. I do love a Sonny Chiba Triple Feature, though...
https://archive.org/details/TheStreetFighterTrilogy

#Introduction #Jono #VigilanteMan

black mirror rp

okay now that i finished the second season i think i feel obligied to get the word out about this awesome and unique series, black mirror. im on the bullshit community college computer right now and idk if this is the reason the java wont work, but im also really excited for the upcoming games, whenever i get a chance to use my computer at home i will be (attempting) to upload a torrent link for black mirror, so watch it bitches

Armies of the Night:

Urban Fear - 1974-1985


Movieland has had a long and fruitful relationship with the kids on the wrong side of the tracks. In the '˜50s and '˜60s they were rebels, they were bikers, they were greasers, and they were wanderers. They were hip cats, Daddy-O, and they would jive talk you soon as look at you. If they weren't too busy dancing at each other, that is...


Often the focus of these films was the delinquents themselves — whether they were contemporary to the times, or filtered with a couple of decades of nostalgia. We saw their high-school rivalries, their reasons for rebelling, and their angst at the older generation - parents, teachers, cops... you know, squares! They weren't so bad — they were just misunderstood. And, when things did escalate, when feuds got serious, like as not things would be settled like men — either with a drag race, or a good old fashioned rumble!


Then, sometime in the '˜70s, something changed. The threat posed by gangs of youths spilled over into 'normal' society. Wanton violence, vandalism, rape and murder became common. Gone were the good old days of greased back hair, and summer lovin' songs. These gangs would rob you, rape you, and kill you, just for fun — and often in the comfort of your own home. No-one was safe. Not even the children.


And, for (a little over) ten glorious years, these hoods were faceless (masked or painted), amoral scumbags. Out to terrorise good hard-working folks, and stick it to the man. They did what they wanted, to who they wanted, whenever they wanted. And some of them would start to get organised. They may have looked like they were auditioning for Fame (1980), but they ruled the streets and back alleys. They were the armies of the night!


There was an early wake-up call in 1974, when Paul Kersey went all one man army on NYC's rising crime rates — Michael Winner and Charles Bronson's first team up unleashing a Death Wish (1974) on the world. After the warning shot came the barrage.

John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) showed us that even the cops were helpless against the gang-bangers, as Street Thunder — an blood-brotherly, cholo wielding gang of silent terrors silently terrorised the inhabitants of a closed down police station, and in Walter Hill's The Warriors (1979)— Coney Island's very own Warriors, a rare protagonist gang, had to bop their way from the Bronx all the way back to Coney, framed for a crime they didn't commit. These two, among the few, hinted as to what an army of united gangs could do if they turned on society — with only a small group of fighters and survivors caught in the middle.

If the gangs won, and ruled our streets it would make for a bleak future — as sci-fi movies took the gangbanger ball and ran with it - Mad Max (1979) & II (1981), Escape from New York (1981), 1990: Bronx Warriors (1982), Escape 2000 (1983), and Streets of Fire (1984), showed us feral gangs which roamed (mostly) free. It was survival of the fittest, baby! And the one with the biggest Mohawk, and sharpest spikes on their be-leathered shoulders would reign supreme!

So, to avoid these dire future premonitions, someone would have to take back the streets and alleys of the urban battleground, and make them safe for the general populations. But who could stand up to these denizens of the darkness, these soldiers of the streets?

Cowboy cops were a good start...


...but a lone wolf, who's turned in his gun and badge...


...could only do so much.

But, surely, the regular cops could handle a bunch of thugs in face paint and gang colours?


Hmmm, perhaps not...

So it turned out that the only protection against the hoods was a concerned citizen with a .45 (or a .475 Wildey Magnum...). It was time for the meek, and the scared to fight back. The worm had turned. The Vigilante Man's time had come...


And he was taking back the streets one gang at a time.

Naturally, the success of the Death Wish series prompted a lot of copy cats and imitators — each, wielding their own vengeance inspiring title as they dispensed brutal justice to the streets. As well as a Death Wish (1974), II (1982), III (1985), IV (1987), and V (1994) , we had The Exterminator (1980) & II (1984), Fighting Back (1980), Defiance (1980), Ms .45 (1981), Class of 1984 (1982), Vigilante (1983), Savage Streets (1984), Tenement (1985), Enemy Territory (1987), to name but a few.

Of course, the Vigilante Man is working outside the law, and the cops can't let that slide — even when he's doin' the man's work for him, and our earnest keeper of the streets must watch his back, and be ever mindful of the fact that he doesn't become what he set out to prevent — look not into the abyss, and all that... Even cowboy cops don't like the Vigilante Man!


By the mid-late '˜80s, the street gangs had become less of a threat, and the vigilantes had their final victory in the fight. Death Wish III (1985) saw Kersey's actions end up in all out urban warfare, and signalled the death knell for the street gang.


This swansong saw the Vigilante Man step back into the shadows, as he (and the cowboy cops) moved on to more bigger fish. Real gangsters — the Mob, terrorists, corrupt cops, and did his bit in the war on drugs. Death Wish IV (1987) & V (1994) see Paul Kersey go up against organised crime, The Punisher (1989) took on Italian mob and Yakuza, and Batman (1989) fought a mobbed up Joker.

And in a few short years the streets were lost again. This time, though, a different breed of gang was to the fore. The Gangstas. The Bloods and the Crips moved in, and these guys came with guns, a new set of beefs, and a new style of music. Vigilante Man — though still around, wasn't quite as effective on these mean streets. From Colors (1988), Boyz n the Hood (1991), and Clockers (1995) to, Training Day (2001), and End of Watch (2012), the gangstas have prevailed. They have now become synonymous with the urban gang image — red and blue replacing the bandanas, denim flares and patched jackets of the '˜70s. The old gangs lost this turf war — a switchblade and a baseball bat no match for a Desert Eagle and an AK47.

So, there's my brief, and undoubtedly incomplete view of '˜urban fear'. For a bright and shining (little-over-a) decade they stole our hearts. But why? Obviously, in Movieland, success breeds imitation. Death Wish was the leader in the field, and blueprint for many, but what made those stories capture our minds at that time?

Well, partly there was real life. Crime rates in the '˜70s and '˜80s, particularly in New York, were on the increase. Violent crime in particular had more than tripled since the mid '˜60s. Citizens were attacked, people were scared, and people wanted action, and their city, seemingly, could not control it. The criminal justice system wasn't to be trusted. The streets and the subways were seen to be unsafe. High profile real life cases, such as Bernie Goetz, the "Subway Vigilante", who, in 1984, shot four black youths on the Subway who he alleged were trying to rob him,


and groups like Curtis Sliwa's Guardian Angels (founded in 1977 as the Magnificent 13, and still around today), originally organised to combat widespread crime in the New York City Subways, stole the news headlines, and whipped up a media storm of supporters and detractors.


It's no great surprise, then, that the Vigilante Man, bursting through the celluloid into this milieu of fear and anger, with his .475 Wildley blasting away the muggers and rapists, was so popular. He was the saviour. The audience proxy. The surrogate avenger who did everything we wished we could have done to those who frightened and threatened us - realising many a revenge fantasy. And here he was — larger than life — at a cinema near you!

How we've missed him!

But never fear, he hasn't been too far away. He's just been hiding in the shadows, biding his time.

And what's this I see making an increasing comeback in the news? Chavs, hoodies, killer kids. Gangs of youths, with no moral compass attacking right minded folks with impunity. Organised crime rampant on the streets. Drugs, pushers, addicts, meth, bath-salts, rape, kidnapping, drive-bys, home invasions... The list of urban fear gets longer and longer, and so back comes our Vigilante Man.

Oh he's back alright. The Dark Knight Trilogy (2005-12), Death Sentence (2007), The Brave One (2007), Gran Torino (2008), Harry Brown (2009), Law Abiding Citizen (2009), Kick-Ass (2010) & II (2013), Hobo with a Shotgun (2011), etc. The look and feel might be a bit different, but he's back...

Warriors, Baseball Furies, Riffs, Punks and Rogues, Souls, Street Thunder... Man, we miss you guys, but you had it comin'.

Vigilante Man, I salute you.



#JonoSalutes #StreetGangs #VigilanteMan

Cumming Soon...

This post will detail some features I plan to add to this site. Maybe I shouldn't promise 'soon', but maybe I will anyway. For no reason, the following features are in development:

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Horoscopes

Yes, that's why I demand birthdays: to lump you together in certain astrological signs so I can toss random, meaningless sayings at you. It would update daily and mostly consist of bad fortunes. I figure if this well enough, I could theoretically add some fake lottery type features too.

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Dictionary

This is something I started a while ago, but put it on the backburner because I didn't think that scanning a whole dictionary was more important than getting this site online. This idea was originally concieved for my Bing search button, but I've decided it would be good in other ways too.

You know what people like? Random text generators, because it gives them a chance to click something to get something unique. Of course, I have to re-learn the english language almost just to format sentence structure rules into the code to do this, but I will if I have enough time. "Why? Because I've GOT TO, mister! (blblbp)"

Random text generators could a lot of fun, me thinks. Just think, random: titles, sentences, bing searches, etc... in fact, I plan to phase myself out of this site one day after having built an automated system that will post as @Renzo_Capetto, adding new content so I don't have to. (is that even possible?) Probably not that, but I still want to try to develop a random story generator. That way, I can sell my screenplays and no one will ever know that I didn't write them. ... God damnit! I just spoiled that, didn't I? Well... I guess I'll still add the dictionary anyway. This feature will be released in a few decades, probably...

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Java Games

Our producer @DerTables is working on java game mechanics right now. I feel this ought to be addressed, and now's as good a time as any.

Learning one type of computer language makes learning the others a little easier. You get into that coding mindset which puts you in a very logical state of mind as you have to analyze things on a deeper level. Most viewers of this site wont know or care about the effort that goes into it, but they don't really have to either, so long as I understand that system (my own system) enough to have everything well integrated and functional.

@Der is working on simple arcade, platform, and rpg games to add to the site. These games will require java to run, and will be fully connected to this website's database as a means of integrating the achievement system among other things. There will be some demos released here and there until we ultimately release the full finished versions. This is a gradual, time consuming process which I personally have yet to get involved with, since I'm still working on the site functionality and content, but the trash arcade is cumming to junkyard near you.

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Movie Awards

The categories are still being worked out, but feel free to suggest your own. The awards will be factored automatically in an updating list by user votes and media tags and information. Think of categories like "best transvestite acting", "best score in a porn film", or even "best worst movie" (or does Troll 2 win by default?). If you come up with any good categories that can theoretically be applicable, we can add them.

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Various Tweaks

This site is a work in progress. I find myself fixing little... adding something here, taking away something there... it's fun too. I'm a nerd and find it entertaining, and I can easily waste hours in a piece of code, but my work schedule never permits it, and when it does, I have other obligations, like home errands, and trying to see a movie but being too lazy to get up and go to it, even though it's free for me (I work at a movie theater). I guess my ultimate goal is to make enough money somehow so I don't have to work, and will then have more time to devote to Trash Epics.

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That's all I can think of at the moment, but I tend to get new ideas for the site at any given time, so who knows what's coming next.

Have you noticed any little fuck-ups on the site? Do you think, "hey @Renzo, this feature sucks for this reason and should be changed accordinly"? Well come on down to gutterland and help shape the wonderful world finely woven filth by giving me feedback, suggestions, comments... I swear, I'm a nice guy. Sometimes.

An introduction to Trash Epic's speck of dust.

I'll try not to make this overly long, because quite frankly, I'm not that interesting. I don't have any kind of real social life, I don't follow sports, unless you count professional wrestling, or reality TV series, and I probably drink more than I should. Maybe those things do make me interesting then? Probably not.

Depending on what kind of mood you catch me in, I'll probably come off as friendly, an asshole, retarded, or insane. Hopefully it's usually the first one. No matter what mood I'm in though, one thing is always certain: my interest in movies. Horror, action, comedy, sci-fi, drama, thriller, fantasy, or mystery. Native or foreign. Live action or animated. Trash or epic. There's very few movies out there that I won't give at least one chance to.

I'm not sure what I'd be doing if I didn't enjoy movies so much. Leading a more normal life? Maybe. I rather like the life I lead though. Movies make me happy, as do things related to movies. Soundtracks, posters, novel tie-ins, video game tie-ins, even though they're usually not so great, t-shirts, documentaries, and TV show spin-offs. I'll take what I can get.

I like being able to do a review series here, that being Reviews with Ballz. I wouldn't call them anything special, but I find it fun to pick apart the good and the bad about movies, so what better way to do that with a review? And maybe spark a discussion or two as well. I realize I haven't done many of those reviews so far, which I blame on procrastination. That and spending at least a few hours most days working on a novel. More will come though, eventually.

I enjoy writing in general. I've done role playing, which I credit for really evolving my skills as a writer, as crazy as that might sound, fan fiction, and short stories. All of that has led me to the point of working on my novel. I can't help feeling a bit unsure of it as I work on it, mainly because I've never worked on any writing project so big on my own, but it's becoming easier as I get further along.

Outside of movies and writing, I also enjoy watching TV shows, of course, listening to music, and playing video games. My tastes in music don't go much past music from the early 2000s, though I like plenty of stuff from the 1970s and 1980s. I don't game nearly as much as I used to, but I still usually pick up a couple new games a year. I especially tend to enjoy first person shooters and simulations.

Well, that's about it for me. If you've made it this far, congratulations. If you want any media added to the database that you feel we've skipped over, tell me and I'll probably add it, though keep in mind that we still plan to add a lot and might already have plans to add whatever it is you want on there. And if you have any questions about me, feel free to ask.

#Intro

The Epic Manifesto

In order for Trash Epics to succeed, this website needs principles, goals, hearts, and souls. I want people to realize that Trash Epics is going to expand beyond just some internet forum, and into reality, as it's own cult production company/studio, in which this very website would also act as the interface for. I can essentially build a business using this site, and I very well may.

When people keep you in the dark about things for too long, you start to lose hope that said thing is even going to be worth the wait. Maybe it's all just gossip... or rumors... or straight up bullshit? Well, I don't want to paint that image of myself. I need to let people in on this, which is why I write... the Epic Manifesto (version zero point half-teen). And remember rule #1: once I write the rule down, it doesn't change (rule #1 subject to change).

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I never live in one place for very long. Every other year it seems, I've moved from one apartment complex to another. The hardest transition was moving halfway through high school. I became a shut-in loner who went from taking advanced classes and having college ambition, to barely passing in regular classes. However, I did take a dumb person's economics class, and then everyone thought I was smart, but that's beside the point. As a child, I was always excessively into a handful of movies that never leave my thoughts to this day.

I always loved the matte painting at the end of The Terminator, as the car drives off into the mountains. The line "there's a storm coming" has always felt so true to me, even as a child. Of course, nobody knows when or what this storm is gonna be like, but for me, it was a time when I had nothing but my mind to occupy me, and in a way, I'm grateful for what it's given me.

I could have went to college and learned things I don't find interesting, and became a person I never wanted to be, but instead, I was forced to look into myself and find out what makes me who I am, and embrace my creativity through writing screenplays, stories, lyrics, songs, tv shows, web code, and most notably, I began using internet forums, and I used them to discuss the handful of movies I loved, and in consequence, found so many more films, and tv shows, and music to love. My art is heavily influenced by the films I've watched, and I want to make art. Despite my avoidant personality disorder. I don't like crowds, I want to make trash, I want to make it epic, and I have no actors. Now, you can see my dilemma, but regardless, I present to you my intentions for Trash Epics:

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Goals

1.) The Site - This is to connect directly to the users and provide a community, where trash addicts can network with people around the world, openly discuss their favorite filthy films on the forum, market zero to low budget projects, and finally, to host web games currently being developed by our producer, @DerTables. Certain aspects are still being debugged, but the overall product is coming along, and it is open to suggestions and recommendations.

As of now, media is being added to the trash library, and issues are being worked out. When enough films are added to the database, and all noted bugs are worked out, the site will go on active duty, which entails weekly featured films (with relevant posts, polls, events, and achievements), site updates, game updates, user contests/challenges, and custom sections for any user's unique content. I coded every line of this site, and I can add anything. Upcoming features will include daily horoscopes, dictionary and random text generators, annual media awards (like the Oscars, but good), and anything else I may think of between now and then.

2.) The Trash Epic - Over the years, I've written many mixed-genre storylines that I'm going to connect under the Trash Epics umbrella. These storylines feature dirtier, sleazier takes on my favorite old school monsters, across multiple media forms including:

A.) an ongoing dirty horror soap opera (imagine watching Dark Shadows, but with hookers, transvestites, drugs, and rednecks)
B.) a film for each storyline (in which the scripts always feature hookers, transvestites, drugs, and rednecks). The scripts I write are often set in isolated rural areas, following stupid, yet strangely endearing characters that always get involved in killing sprees. Never setting out to make just another "horror" movie, I want to set out to make a film, in general. The storylines blend genres, mixing up the comedy, drama, and horror to make an emotionally investing experience, but in the end, it's all about the characters to me. If they're good, then you can get away with simply following their misadventures the whole way through. I have an entire 10 storyline outline that encompasses both the soap and the films; one that's bound to entertain fans of retro horror and exploitation, though I need this site to raise interest so I can get things going on it.
C.) an online multiplayer hack and slash rpg about environmentalist hoboes, with expansion campaigns relevant to the soap and film storylines. Think pokemon meets D&D, with real-time combat in glorious pixelated NES aesthetics and audio. I believe that @DerTables and I can accomplish this. In fact, Der has a brief demo for his product, coming soon.

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These items represent some of the primary intentions of this fair junkyard. However, it is imperative that users realize that I do read feedback, and I do want this to evolve into a group effort. Yes kids, you too can be in these films, or at least behind the scenes of them, as this concept can bring about a new way of making movies, where the viewers can be involved in the production, since I need all the help I can get. I built this place from the ground up in order to find that help, so sign up for the Trash Reserve, and be part of something deranged.

• This manifesto was written during beta mode, and is thereby in beta itself. The manifesto may be elaborated upon, edited, or burned at the stake at any time. If you have any suggestions for the guidelines of this community, feel free to state them here.

Criminally Insane (1975)

As horror fans, we're used to seeing and celebrating iconic evil images. Remember that feeling you felt when Regan's head did a 360 for the first time. Or the time Jaws finally popped his head out from the ocean? Well boys and girls, prepare yourselves for something truly terrifying, because I have seen the true face of evil! Never mind the likes of Freddy or Jason, beware of the one and only...Ethel!

Oh the horror! Don't look at it children, shield your eyes!

I bet you're thinking, "meh, she's just some fat looking chick" but you'll be wrong to underestimate her. She's not just some fat looking chick, she's one CRAZY fat looking chick, and she'll mess you up!...if you interfere with her eating habits....

That's right! Call her fat, call her ugly, insult her to her face and she'll probably not even bat an eye lid, but get between her and her food, and God himself could not save your tortured soul from the grasps of hell that bitch will send you! Ethel will not rest until her stomach is full, and god help us all...she's always hungry!

First of all, gosh I loved this movie! At 61 mins, it does not overstay it's welcome, matter of fact, I felt it was kinda cut a bit too short. But no matter, there is a sequel which I will be indulging in shortly, so my Criminally Insane binge shall be ultimately satisfied!

Welcome to low budget territory! Now for the past week, I've been watching some very low budget movies. Most of them only being successful if they were funny or gory. Criminally Insane is both! The dialogue is just magnificent. There were multiple times I burst out laughing, because I never expected such a ridiculous exchange. Take the conversation between Ethel and the boy who delivered her groceries straight to her house, for example. He brings her a whole box full of stuff, (remember, Ethel is fat, so she's buying in bulk). She's ordered a stack of food, so he asks for $80 which seems reasonable. Ethel responds with "I don't have $80. I only have $4.50".

Um.... how much did you expect that box full of sh!t was gonna cost?!
I could go on and on listing some of the brilliant dialogue, I haven't even gotten to Ethel's sister and boyfriend yet!

Speaking of the sister and her boyfriend, I really should mention these guys. Because good lord! Were they serious?! Rosalie is Ethel's skinnier sister, and is dating a guy that has no problem cheating on her, forcing her to be a hooker, and bitch slapping her. Doesn't sound like something that's meant to be funny, but seriously, check out this scene where Rosalie gets bitch slapped, it's hilarious!



Rosalie doesn't seem to have much problem with any of this. She puts up with it like it's nothing. I think she's got her own issues, but we don't really pay much mind to them. It's Ethel that's the real star of the show. Apart from her size, she's just hypnotic, it's hard not to become entranced in this movie just because of her.

So we've covered the grounds of it being funny, but did I mention it was gory? Cos it's drenched in blood. Red looking paint blood, but blood all the same. Sure, when she's hacking people up with a meat cleaver, it might resemble like she's slapping them with a rolled up newspaper, but it's the thought that counts and it equals to quite a bit of a body count. So much that it becomes a problem for Ethel on how to dispose of the bodies. You're gonna love the answer, I just know it. Stay tuned for the ending.

For a low budget flick that's about a homicidal women who kills when people try to stop her from eating, it's actually very well made and the actress playing Ethel (the late Priscilla Alden) really did a damn good job. As I mentioned earlier, it's hard not to find her performance hypnotic. Not sure how how old Ethel was meant to be in this movie, as she's being cared for by her grandma, but the actress was 36 when this movie was released, and Ethel looks a hell of a lot older then 36. I would have estimated somewhere in her 40s. She looked almost as old as her grandma!

I don't have much else to say about this movie, except to highly recommend it. For a bad movie, it's one of the best, and one I imagine many people enjoying.
8/10

Here's the trailer

New Feature: Media Ratings

Oh, hi audience. Today, we can finally rate movies here on Trash Epics. It's a simple 1-5 system, but you have multiple categories to rate for each title:

Acting (performances)
Audio (score, sound mix)
Story (screenplay, story, writing)
Video (sets, sfx, visuals)
Tilt (personal preference)

Each on a scale of 1 for awful, 2 for bad, 3 for neutral, 4 for good, and 5 for awesome. Fair enough, yes? And your user ratings will determine the winners of the upcoming Trash Awards.

black mirror

so i just got into this short tv series, black mirror, its pretty fucking sweet if anyone wants to check it out, all episode seems to be independant of the rest, the first one, for instance, takes place sometime in the near future, and the princess of the UK gets kidnapped and the kidnapped posts on YouTube he will kill her unless the prime minister fucks a pig on live tv and the pm has to do it lol

#Blackmirror