Hard Target (1993)

Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo play a couple of a rich assholes who like to hunt the homeless. They promise them a fat wad of cash, give them a head-start and a safe-zone destination, and off they run... The game goes well for a while, until they make one big mistake. They go after...

Jean-Claude Van Damme. And he has a mullet!

So some damsel in distress comes along and ropes a very capable drifter (JCVD) into an investigation on her father's death, and things kinda work their way to a bunch of great action scenes with loads of explosions and high kicks to the face.

Seriously, he uses gasoline to explode a lot of stuff. He's also a bit of a dick, like when he kills Sven-Ole Thorsen's henchman character.

And no, that isn't a spoiler, because Sven dies in just about every movie he's in. He rules.

So, JCVD shoots him a bunch in the torso. He's a goner for sure, but he still deserves one good kick in the face, right? And for no reason really. JCVD made this one kinda personal, huh?

What a cheesefest sometimes. JCVD is almost superhuman in this. Wilford Brimley uses a bow and arrow. Lance Henriksen has a prominent role and is properly utilized. Ted Raimi cameos.

The hunting concept is actually a bit unnerving at times. A competently made action flick with a blob of macho cheese added. If you're anything like me (and I really hope you aren't), then you'll eat all that cheese and asks for more. Part 2, coming up...

#Review

Movies about the Occult/witchcraft.

I need a few fairly obscure, low budget movies with themes of witchcraft or the Occult if anybody can think of any? Preferably made within the last 20-25 years or so...

RELIGION RANT

to not despoil the main thread

- Zed I once done somsething

The Coffee Table (2022) - A Non-review

Hey cunts! Just thought I'd recommend this rather glorious newish flick. Is it trashy? Kinda. I mean, it's from Spain and arguably anything that comes out of that country is a bit trashy.

Thing is, I don't wanna write a review, because you genuinely should go into this knowing nothing about it. So I'm not gonna tell you anything about it. I guess if I were to give a hint, it's kinda like early Coen Brothers crossed with Ari Aster. Sounds like a fun time, right?

"But Ninja", I hear you thinking, "what the fucking pissfuck is the point of a fucking non-review that doesn't tell us a single fucking thing about the cunting movie? Why the fuck should we watch this fucking thing? Are you clinically retarded, you cuntfaced shitcunt?". Admit it, those were the exact words that went through your head.

The thing is, this movie is more than just what it's about. It's a litmus test of what kind of human being you are. If you're a decent upstanding individual with a strong moral compass, then The Coffee Table is a strong, intense horror/thriller and well worth watching. But if you're a morally reprehensible piece of shit like I am and, let's be honest, you all are, then it's so much more than that and might be the funniest movie made in quite a while. Ya know that feeling where you laugh at something and then realise that laughing at that thing makes you a vile person, which makes you laugh even harder? This movie is chock-full of that.

So give it a shot. Laugh your fucking arse off. And join me in the wonderful self-realisation that you're an absolutely revolting piece of shit. It's a mighty fine feeling.

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

From a cinematic point of view, this movie is basically perfect. It's got all those long slow takes where you see how sweaty everyone is, because they're all method actors. They're really sweating out there in the spaghetti west.

Charles Bronson plays the ultimate man, using the sexy slutty chick to his advantage while Henry Fonda and Jason Robards fight about railroads or something. If you get insomnia and have 3 hours to kill, this movie is for you.


I remember finding the fat keep-case dvd in walmart's $5 bin in the early days of dvds and thinking to myself how I was one step closer to becoming that smug arrogant film snob I so yearned to be.

Bronson was the coolest. Very moody movie. Almost trippy even, with that great/grating harmonica and score. This movie is Italian as fuck. Watch now in 4K where you can see everyone's faces in super high-def closeups.

#Review

Flyboys (2006)

For War Week, I only watched a few. I hadn't seen this one yet, nor any WWI movie for all I know, so why not? It turned out pretty good, too. Even for a PG-13 movie.

Franco joins the French military as they're trying to utilize and weaponize these new flying things called "airplanes". Pretty entertaining overall, and a few scenes stuck with me.

SPOILERS

When they first fly into the air against enemy planes, that one guy gets his plane shot down, and he crashlands his plane as best as he can... and actually survives. Yay! He gets out and the enemy aircraft sees him and guns him down. Poor fuck. I mean, this was "inspired" by a true story, right?

I also thought the last straw in that ending air fight, when Franco flies up next to the smug enemy pilot, pulls out his pistol, and shoots that asshole in the face? Bad-ass!

#Review

Best comedy series

I'm in the mood to watch something, series I havent seen anything for the last 20 years. Something along the following lines.

1. The Goodies
2. Bottom
3. Fawlty Towers
4. Red Dwarf // though later series are not so good
5. Father Ted, Blackadder (though early on)

The Vampire Next Door (2024)

Not a TERRIFIC film, but it got into my head in some ways.

First of all, one excellent reason to watch this is that two of the actresses are QUITE attractive, IMHO. One had a Megan Fox-y kind of appearance, but with a sexier voice. The other kept reminding me... mostly of Imogen Poots, (which I mean to be a compliment, I always thought she was beautiful), but she also reminded me a little at times of Amanda Detmer, and maybe Natasha Lyonne, always in a good way.

Also, most of the main characters are played by people who can really act. You can tell that this is a pretty low budget movie, so I was surprised at how capable most of them were.

Anyway, the basic idea is that a 20 year old guy, Cameron, who still lives at home with his parents, and who works in an ice cream shop, meets a new girl/woman his age, in the neighborhood. The guy is juuuuust a bit (totally) aimless and unfocused. He made me think of the Josh Hamilton character in Blowin' Smoke, AKA Freak Talks About Sex. Cameron is already interested in another girl in his neighborhood, and a girl he works with at the ice cream shop is throwing herself at him too. This is all a little implausible to me, because he is just kind of a slacker and not really THAT attractive, and two of the girls he gets mixed up with could be models.

One of the girls turns out to be a vampire, and she wants him to chauffeur her around as she kills OTHER vampires. A buddy of his has a crush on one of the other girls, and he agrees to help the buddy pursue that girl, mostly because he thinks the girl will see what a loser the buddy is and come running to HIM instead.

Soooooo that's the first three quarters of the movie.

OK, I shouldn't spoil the ending, just in case anyone actually watches this. Suffice it to say, complications crop up, and Cameron actually ends up growing up a bit.

The rules for vampires are pretty dodgy in this movie. They can walk around in daylight, and they aren't really soulless hell-things. They are much more like Twilight vamps, or maybe a little like some of the Interview with the Vampire vamps. The whole movie has kind of a girl power vibe, if you think about it. It's mostly power struggles between girls. Cameron isn't really much of a protagonist, exactly. He is just a character who kind of gets caught up in the worlds of vampires and girls, and has a few adventures.

Again, this isn't really THAT great of a movie, but the acting is solid enough. I felt like they did a decent job with what they had to work with. Also, this is embarrassing to say, but as someone who always thought Imogen Poots was beautiful, the actress who resembles her is kind of a "find" for me. Search Google Images for Bella Chadwick. That's her. I hope she does more horror or sci-fi movies in the future.

Alllllllll righty then. That's all, folks.

2024 Crime Challenge

Here is your annual Crime Challenge thread! Mark your spot and update your crime genre viewings here, because this is one of the greatest genres out there. It sure as hell is better watching a musical! Fuck you, Joker 2!


• Movies and TV shows count.

• Must have "crime" as a genre, obviously!

• Scored by runtime, 1 point per minute.

• From May 1st 12am to June 1st am.


This challenge is so easy, it's criminal! Mark Your Spot!

Music rants

So as not to clutter the shoutbox, heres a seperate thread.