Nope (2022)

Hey, am I doing something wrong here? Aren't there some threads here about Nope? I can't find any. I could swear I've seen people talking about it here. Maybe we have talked about it on a thread about other Jordan Peele movies. Hmmm.

Well, I will come back and say more about it later today, but just for the moment I wanted to mention that if you like Nope, you might also enjoy the less well-known Monsters (2010), starring Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able. I shouldn't say too much about why Nope reminds me of it... just make a mental note.

Anyway, just to say something briefly about Nope: I pretty much liked it, but I'm wondering if JP bit off a little more than he could chew with this one. I felt like he was trying to do a whole bunch of things with this movie, and make tons of statements. I am not sure they all hung together in an ideal way. It is much more likely, of course, that he did everything perfectly, PERFECTLY, in fact, UNPRECEDENTEDLY PERFECTLY, and I personally am just incapable of understanding what a brilliant achievement Nope is.

Griswold's Christmas Bonus

I was watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation the other day. Good flick, but the ending peeves me, due to his views on his Christmas bonus. He started making all these plans for what he'd spend his bonus on, like a swimming pool, putting down-payments on it, but then his boss stiffs him on the bonus and he goes on a rant about how it's not right to deny people of their bonuses when they rely on them as part of their income.

Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of a BONUS? You shouldn't factor that in at all, because it absolutely is NOT something you should expect. Yet he's supposed to be the hero because he thinks he's owed this shit? Talk about entitled. Then in the typical American fashion, he complains about it until his boss "sees the error of his ways" and bam. He's the hero? What an asshole.

Polonia Movies

God, these movies are awful. It really is sadistic of anyone stupid enough to use these movies for points, and damn it... I'm one of them.

Mark Polonia shits out about 8 movies a year. His budget is probably zilch, but so are the stories, acting, effects, and purpose. I keep thinking to myself, "Why is he still making this garbage?" and the only thing I can think of is an inside joke of sorts. I imagine he lost a bet, or thought it would be funny to make a living off of directing sheer garbage. To him, he probably thinks he's living the dream. A director of various genres and beloved tropes, like slashers... sharks... mockbusters. Sure, these movies sound good on paper, but the result is something completely unsensational. There is nothing worth remembering about any of his movies.

The actors are also terrible. Jeff Kirkendall is a common collaborator used for major roles, and this dude has no charm. He reminds me of Bill from Workaholics, who was noteworthy for being useless and lame. Then, he uses Jamie Morgan a lot, because he needs a female actor in his movies. She can never wipe that stupid smile from her face, and her acting seems like it gets worse with every new movie. Danielle Donahue looks like a bitch, but of course he would have her in his movies. She's the best looking woman he'll find, but she still isn't a good actor. Ken Van Sant isn't great, but I like him on account of his redneck hair. Tim Himmelberger is as wooden as it gets. He does not emote at all, which I guess is funny in theory, but painful in execution. Then of course... Mark Polonia also stars in his movies, making him the writer, director, producer, star, and editor of all these shitshows. He also has no personality. He's like a machine operating on the sole directive of "create shitty movies". He absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

I hate pretty much all of these movies. However, I hated Feeders 3 and Return to Splatter Farm a bit less than the others. I haven't seen the original Camp Blood movies, but if the sequels are anything to go by, than this is a franchise that should not exist. Polonia directed a bunch of these turds, and I my brain already wiped them from my memory. It's a coping mechanism for my sanity. I can't remember anything about his movies, because they're so mundane. At least Chris Seaver movies have fart jokes and don't give a shit, but what do Polonia movies have? Something completely unsensational.

Here's the plot twist though... See, I watch these movies to get inspired by the amateur go-getter attitudes of hungry filmmakers. If they're influenced by the same classics you know and love, it'll show through their work that they have that common interest that you do, and you both share something special in your fandom and love for a movie.

Not Polonia though. He shows no interest in succeeding in any one of the many genres and rip-offs he's done. He makes shark movies, but has he even seen Jaws? My guess would be no, but he heard of it, and decided to make his own version. He makes camp slashers, but do his movies feature any of the tension, gore, and atmosphere as the classics? Or the sequels to the classics? No, he'll never live up to the grandeur of Camp Blood: Part 1!

The point here is that his movies are sooooooo bad, they'll have anyone thinking that they can make a better movie, but the truth is... no, you can't.

Being imaginative is hard. You have to do it on your own time, which is skimpy if you have "adult responsibilities" to manage, so to say that your lazy ass can make a better movie is instantly proven wrong when you say to yourself, "Sure, I can make a better movie, but I wont, because I'm a responsibile adult with other more important things to do."

That's your excuse? Time management? But here Polonia is, shitting out a movie a month just to prove us assholes wrong. His movies are automatically better than our movies, because they actually exist. That's the harsh reality of Mark Polonia. He seems like a nerd you need to steal lunch money from, but he's actually better than us. Fuck that guy.

Black Friday Streaming Deals

Most of these streaming services suck, but I caved and got a few of them because the deals were so good. A year of Hulu for $24, a year of Peacock for $12, and 3 months of HBO for $6.

These are all the ad-filled versions though. These ads get excessive sometimes. Sometimes, Tubi gives me 7 fucking ads in a row. Netflix is also doing an ad version now, but I very rarely watch it. I was thinking of downgrading it, but it comes at the cost of lower picture quality, which is a real dick move. It's like offering the competition price, but covered with piss and shit. I guess some people like piss and shit though.

Now that I have all these wonderful streaming services, here's the massive list of what I plan to watch:

...

Yeah, there's nothing specific.

Barbarian 2022

I really can't say much about it without spoiling it, but it's definitely an interesting ride. You don't know wtf it's about for a while. You think you have an idea, then it turns into something different. I did appreciate that it had a defined 3-act structure to keep us on our toes. It seems like abrupt differences in tone, but it all comes together. A good mix of slow-burn with some more traditional horror elements toward the end.

I also like how shitty Detroit feels in this movie. It would be a creepy place to be, that's for sure.

To my disappointment, Conan never did appear. The title is still relevant, even though it seems like it isn't for the longest time. Be patient and you'll understand why it's called that.

#Review

All Zombie movies are shit compared to The Walking Dead, imo

Nothing against any of those movies. I love a lot of them but this show is just amazing on so many more levels. I really give a fuck what happens. Have never given a fuck what happens to anyone in any Zombie movie. However, The hate makes my head spin. I'm all for bashing popular shit but even I have my limits as far as ignoring quality. I remember such disdain expressed on The Walking Dead board on the IMDb, and any FB Horror groups I frequent are not much different. I can see someone who doesn't like Zombies or post-apocalyptic subject matter not being up for it, but I think people tend to exaggerate this show's alleged decline or it being in a rut. I mean, my God! Look at all the other garbage they play on tv these days. Is The Walking Dead really THAT bad? My only gripe from the beginning was how certain characters got killed off a season or 2 too soon. If anything has led to sagging ratings, it's that. Some lousy decisions were made here and there but I think this show has maintained a certain level of quality even at its lowest point, whatever that is.

So, thoughts on The walking Dead? Thoughts on the direction of the show since Negan showed up? Thoughts on what went down this past sunday as well as the announcements for the future?

I'm very confused by a t-shirt I saw today.

I saw a big black guy, who was dressed very much like your stereotypical "gangsta" type guy. He had on a do-rag and everything. Then he turned around and I saw that the t-shirt under his jacket had this image:



WTF? I am shocked that this t-shirt even exists. I can't think of a more random movie shirt for this thuggish guy to be wearing. I don't know if anyone here is familiar with Wrong, but I bet some of you are familiar with another movie called Rubber from the same director, Quentin Dupieux.

Here is the trailer for Wrong:



Maybe I'm just being racist? I don't know. Sure, why not? Why wouldn't this dangerous looking black man be a big fan of a surreal black comedy from ten years ago with an almost entirely white cast?

There is really only a very specific type of person I could possibly picture wearing a Wrong shirt, and this guy ain't it. I can't imagine he's actually seen the movie. But how did he get the shirt? Where would anybody even be selling it? I don't think it even quite qualifies as a cult movie, are they still producing this shirt? Did he find it at a yard sale and just thought it looked cool? I don't know, maybe I'm crazy for even thinking this much about it.

Return To Sleepaway Camp (2008)




Still can't get over this fucking movie. Just watched it again for the 30th or so time the other night and it only gets funnier to me. Alan is a truly amazing character which honestly seems as if it was meant only to confuse. Clearly targeted towards those with a specific type of sense of humor who might not mind an absolute shit show replacing the "real" sequel we all originally expected.

Pathetic, dim-witted, fat boy with a tiny nose just wants to fit in with the normal kids, which is never going to happen. Before we can feel sorry for him, Alan turns around and acts like a dick to the smaller kids as that seems to be the only thing that makes him feel better about himself. But then when given the least amount of shit for this by a counselor, he freaks out and starts yelling and screaming, and dropping F-bombs. Yelling shit like "Not as stupid as you, YA BIG PENIS!!!!!". How quick he is to use unnecessarily harsh language might be my favorite thing about him. A comically inconsistent character. At times, it seems he's been pushed to his limit by someone fucking with him, but then does or says something that makes it seem as if he's having fun with it all. For a long time, it's unclear when he's truly bothered by something or is just fucking with everyone. Maybe he's just a piece of shit with no attention span. One of the strangest performances I've ever seen. This young actor obviously knew what he looked and came off like and was comfortable enough with it to make an absolute joke out of himself to the point of making us forget that our purpose for watching had nothing to do with him. It's unfortunate he's so misunderstood and unwanted by the audience. The movie in general is overlooked as fuck, not to say it's not overflowing with problems that aren't even Alan-related. This really should be remembered as one of the all time great turkeys by now, but I'm not sure it's even remembered to begin with.

This one sure did need some commentary on that dvd to give us a little insight as to what Robert Hilzik was thinking/smoking. He just kinda randomly dumped this one on us one day and quickly went back to whatever he has doing. And with no heads up, everybody just took it the wrong way, drying up plans of a Sleepaway Camp Reunion (2010), which once had an IMDb page. I'd love to know how they got from whatever Hilzik originally had planned to THIS. No way THIS was always his plan. He probably should have taken a different route with Felissa Rose, but the Alan thing was gold, as pointless as it all really ended up being. Kinda surprised this hasn't ended up on Tubi or something by now. Surely Sleepaway Camp's one and only "real sequel" will eventually get itself a fanbase.

A Christmas Story Christmas 2022

Bob Clark made his fair share of trashy movies, but he also did family movies. The original 1983 Christmas Story is pretty popular, as it should be. It's a Christmas classic, which makes it hard to top. They did a few indirect sequels I've never seen, as well as a DTV and fully-recast 2012 sequel that nobody watched, and now a real sequel. "Real" because it features the original cast, albeit with one mild recast. The mother from the original is retired, so they threw in Julie Hagerty, who was in another fun Christmas movie "Just Friends".

The 1983 film is set in either 1939 or 1940, but the 2022 flick (39 year gap) is set in 1973, only a 33 to 34 year gap. I guess they picked that number out of a hat, but it still made for some good old-fashion set pieces. It's funny to look back on the original as it never really feels like it's set in such a bygone era. The 70s don't seem so unrelatable either.

Peter Billingsly does good here, channeling the character perfectly after all these years. He's still got his silly daydreams, overthinking consequences, and sometimes devious plotting. He revisits his old Indiana home after the passing of his father, who he and everyone else in the town absolutely reveres. Darren McGavin perished in 2006, but there's no denying that he was amazing in the original movie. So in a way, he's still a big part of this movie.

The whole movie is about Ralphie trying to live up to expectations, and for the most part, it works. Never in the way he's expecting, but that is to be expected. Fortunately, the movie doesn't rely on too many callbacks to the original and is able to be its own thing. Worth at least one watch.

#Review

Casper Van Dien

Are you making a Syfy channel movie, an Asylum movie, a Hallmark channel movie, or something far worse, and you need a leading man? Look no further, for Casper Van Dien is your man! A published poet at 17. People Magazine's "Sexiest Soap Star" of 2000. The 20th Tarzan. An extra in a couple episodes of Saved by the Bell. He has what it takes.

In his 140+ acting credits, he certainly made his fair share of bullshit. He's done movies about bad weather, sharks, dogs, christmas, dogs and christmas, teenage angst, boring political thrillers, boring religious thrillers, and a bunch of rip-offs. From leading man to extra, hero or villain. I like both.


I've exhausted all the free turkeys online, but that still allowed for a lot of trifectas. Despite being in all these shitty movies, I definitely have a newfound appreciation for CVD.

Most know him for Starship Troopers or Sleepy Hollow, but don't judge him by those, for he is not one of those lame Hollywood guys. Some of these turkeys were mildly amusing. Some were so bad that I wont even go into detail about them. My brain completely shut off during some of them and already threw those memories in the trash, but there were a few pleasant surprises beyond the ones I've already rambled on about.


The 2nd (2020) was an okay thriller about Ryan Phillippe having to stop the politically-motivated kidnapping of a teen, and CVD played a hitman in it.

Maiden Voyage (2004) was a rip-off of Under Siege, and it is lame, but not 100% lame.

Kill Shot (1995) was so 90s, it short-circuited my brain.

The Fallen Ones (2005) was a rip-off of the Mummy flicks, only it also had giant mechanical mummies that were humorously steered by Irwin Keyes.

Hollywood Flies (2005) was an amusing thriller about a girl who gets kidnapped by Brad Renfro and Vinnie Jones, with some CVD injected for good measure.

Sleeping Beauty (2014) was actually pretty amusing, being one directed by CVD and starring him only in a minimal capacity, but it had Finn Jones from Iron Fist before he had his 5 minutes, and it played out as a decent fantasy adventure with zombies. Not a bad directorial debut from someone in the B-league.


The highlight of this whole mess was a 4.6 turkey from 2020 called The Warrant. Not because it's so laughably bad, but because it was actually pretty fucking good! Neal McDonough works with the U.S. Marshalls to bring in his old Civil War buddy CVD for war crimes. There's no unique plot points or anything, but it was well made and poignant. Definitely deserves to graduate from turkey to... I don't know what's better... a chicken? Chickens are pretty awesome, right?


Other side notes are that you'll see a few recurring actors in his movies, notably Michael Ironside and Adrienne Barbeau. From now on, if I ever see a title with Casper Van Dien in credits, I'm 50% more likely to watch it. Even if it isn't a turkey.