Terrifier 2 teaser

Looks pretty good!

Tweaked Feature: Nudity and Trash Ratings

I couldn't sleep the other night, so my brain tells me out of nowhere that in addition to overall Value and Gore ratings, we also need Nudity and Trash ratings. Again, this is something zed did before on his old site, so I got the urge to implement it finally.

I figure it'll help distinguish us from regular rating sites, especially since we're Trash Epics, we need to be able to judge a film by it's trash factor. So feel free to go through the list of movie titles and rate a film by its level of nudity and how trashy it is. (1=none/classy, 2=barely, 3=a fair amount, 4=extra, 5=lots/filthy)

Shot-On-Shiteo: Rape & Aerobics



So, how 'bout those 90's Martial Arts flicks? Those were a thing, right? Best Of The Best 2 was pretty sweet, huh? That Cody from Step-By Step kicked some ass in a few movies if I remember correctly. Who could forget the Code-man? I saw this movie recently that really could have used a little of that guy's coolness. A terminally uncool movie that still deserves a little love simply for being so positive in such a negative world. So, today, I give a little love to a movie called High Kicks. An obscurity that likely went undetected by most everyone upon release and beyond. You may not know it, but there are actual shot-on-video flicks out there that are not of the horror (or porn) genre, which actually seems a little wrong to me for some reason. I've come across a few over the years, but a martial arts movie? Definitely a new one on me too. However, bear with me. This gets good. And by that, I, of course, mean dumb enough to hold your attention.

So, anyway. We've all been there, haven't we? At one point or another, we've all longed for that special someone to come along to not only encourage us to fight back against our tormentors, but to teach us how. Not all of us are lucky enough for someone like that to ever show up, much less appear out of nowhere like Sam. However, for Sandy, she would soon find much more than some advice or encouragement. Soon, Sandy will gain confidence, along with vengeance and good times with new friends. And along the way, romance with a pretty, blonde beau with an epic mullet, whose free-spirited nature just might be able to be tamed. More on that later, for today is a new day for Sandy. Today, Sandy's "Knight in shining armor" walks into her life, narrowly missing the gang of ethnically-diverse rapists who just finished up having their way with her once-tight vagina. If he had made it there sooner, it would have been helpful, but Sam's a chillin', carefree guy who gets there when he gets there. However, Sam does assure Sandy that if he had been around, the rape would not have gone down. And I'm sure that helped a great deal.

So, Sandy owns and runs the "High Kicks!" aerobics studio, while Sam, a sailor who is merely passing through, has just scored a short-term job working for her. And as Sam learns the disturbing news of his new employer's rape, he pitches the idea of teaching her how to prevent future rapes. Not wanting to ever feel so vulnerable again, Sandy takes Sam up on his offer, and being a pro at aerobics, she just knows this Karate stuff will be a cinch. A scene or two later, and we are finally clued into the fact that Sandy is a bit of a retard. Sam takes her to see his two friends who also practice the martial arts regularly, and when Sandy sees them sparring, she about loses her shit. And once Sam joins in the training, Sandy is convinced it is the end. Poor girl is soon clued in on what sparring is and that these guys are long-time pals of Sam's. So everyone likes each other, now!

Strangely, one could almost wedge this story into the rape-revenge category. However, it's all just very watered-down and comes off suspiciously PC at times. Nobody actually dies but Sandy and Pals eventually go around L.A. looking for members of the rape gang, and in some really badly-executed scenes, the Karate guys teach them a little lesson. They don't fuck them up too awfully bad. Just enough to let them know that rape isn't cool. As Sandy witnesses this while learning her own self-defense, she starts to feel better about everything and soon regains her confidence and then some. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Sandy and Sam bond over Sam's confession that he too was once raped by a bunch of dudes. He also learned the martial arts as a way of protecting his tight little hole. And as far as we know, Sam only has ONE of those, so, he really has to be on his game at all times.

Sandy and pals beat up rapists, hang out and drink beer, joke around a lot, and great! Everything seems more or less settled with a good half hour still left. Sandy throws around the idea of inventing "karobics" by merging karate with aerobics. That goes surprisingly well, actually. The story randomly starts focusing on Sam not knowing how to take the romance further with this chick who couldn't possibly be making it easier for him. Sam is pressured into going on a date with some aerobics floozy, putting him in the doghouse with Sandy for a while. Eventually, things are worked out with Sandy and her new beau celebrating with a round of hot, consensual sex, which we never see because of course we don't. And for some reason, they felt the need to throw in some last-minute subplot with Sam trying to figure out how he's going to make his brother's wedding on such short notice. Don't ask me...

Well, if you happen to be a fan of the SOVs as well as martial arts flicks, I suppose I owe you a big "you're welcome". Otherwise, never mind any of this, because I'm sure it would take being a fan of both to have the patience for it all. But seriously, I don't exactly believe in "guilty pleasures", but I'd put my money on this being someone's, for sure. Me? I'm down with this shit in the most healthy way possible. Sure, it's super lame, but given the right frame of mind, this level of lameness and ineptitude can be a real treat. Sam's flowing, golden mullet being at least 1/3 of said treat. And his uncanny resemblance to Dave Coulier is truly the cherry on top. Who knows? I guess someone back in '93 just wanted to make a good-natured martial arts flick on video. There's something awfully naive and almost sitcom-like about this movie and its characters. They all might have come off somewhat endearing had they actually developed a little and had been played by actors, but hey, they're nice. It's just a nice movie. Not everyone needs to go around cutting dicks off, anyway! 3/10



#Review

Tangerine (2015)

After watching director Sean Baker's 2017 white trash epic "The Florida Project", I've been wanting to see more of this man's grounded realist sleaze films, and Hulu provided his prior directorial effort, much to my enjoyment.

This film is named so because it's set in Hollywood on and around Sunset Boulevard, and the color scheme of this shot-on-iPhone movie has a strong orange hue to it. Right away, you're introduced to your main characters, which are two transgender black women, in which Alexandra tells Sin-Dee that her pimp boyfriend is cheating on her. Sin-Dee just got out of a short stint in prison for prostitution and this news really pisses her off. She sets out on a mission to find her pimp Chester and the woman he was seeing... starts with a D? Daniella, Desiree, whatever... Who gives a fuck. She'll find her, and she's pissed. But what will she do? Watch the movie and find out just what she does, if anything.

There are a lot of black transgenders in this movie. I find them all rather amusing though, and there's a subplot involving prostitution with one of the guys from 'Chuck' that's pretty interesting. But also in this movie is an Armenian taxi driver who we quickly find out has a thing for these black trans hookers despite having a family of his own (and a hot wife no less).

We have bit parts by the great Clu Gulager and his son John, that dimwitted "Buy More" employee from Chuck, and most enjoyably, James Ransone as Chester the pimp. He's not in much and only comes in toward the end, but this guy steals the show. He fucking nails it, and that whole bickering ending had me in stitches.

This is a strangely endearing movie about LGBT trash in the hooking scene, but it's sleazy and funny and dramatic all at the same time. Another win for Sean Baker.

Tenebre

Back when I was just getting into horror, I was diving into the hardcore stuff, which tended to be Italian sleaze from the 70s and 80s. Dario Argento was always a cool son of a bitch to me though. I loved Suspiria and wanted to dive into some of his other stuff, so I remember catching this one on YouTube back when YouTube was relatively new. Of course, the movie was split into about 10 parts because they had a limit of 10 or so minute videos max, but I'd watched a lot of what would end up being my favorite horror flicks that way.

Tenebre or Tenebrae (whatever the fuck that means) is a giallo about a writer who deals with a killer who kills in ways that refrence the author's latest book. The plot and relevance as to why the kills and targets are chosen is never an important factor, because these Italian films were never strong on the story. They were often strong on the style and vibes and how they could find a good way to kill someone to a good piece of music... often, in Dario's case, a Goblin soundtrack.

Somehow, these ingredients always seemed to work pretty well. There was something exotic and weirdly hypnotic about it, and Tenebre is no exception.

I've seen this movie a handful of times, though the specifics never seem to stick with me. Maybe that's because the story itself isn't that great, but maybe I was always drunk while watching it. Who knows. However, this movie has grown on me over the years, and I think it's one of Argento's best. That damn dog scene... and the inclusion of the late great John Saxon... and that bizarre ending... Dario loved to make his endings a fit of psychotic rage, and I like how these movies can just end the way they do.

Oh, how I miss those eccentric Italian horror movies...

The Giant Spider Invasion!

How have I not seen this movie before? I first heard of it recently when I saw rifftrax was going to make fun of it, but I didn't want to hear their commentary. I wanted to see the movie in its pure unedited form.

This movie is kind of perfect. I got that vibe as soon as it started that it was made for me. It's got a shitty title card, awful effects of the meteorite or whatever crashing into earth, and then what happens? We get carried away in the diamond-farming plot of an asshole redneck. This bit must have been an inspiration for the Jordy skit in Creepshow, because there are parallels galore.

So besides a farming dude who's cheating on his wife and hitting on his daughter or whoever that young lady is supposed to be, we also have a couple of bland scientists and a sheriff. Meh.

There's a lot of buildup to it. You see a lot of regular-sized tarantulas crawling out of these egg/rocks, a lot of spider webs, and then a few bigger puppets, but then you get the grand daddy spider...

Even when this fucker is standing still, his legs are moving about randomly. I like how when he moves, you never get a good look at his bottom half, because that's probably where you'd see a car underneath it, because these effects are pretty stupid.

Now this spider will eat a few cows, but it also eats a few people. Most of the gore is spit out mangled corpses, but there is a fair amount of blood. Even a single pair of titties. Are not these the criteria for a trash epic? Nudity, gore, rednecksploitation, space mumbo jumbo, and bad effects?

You know they put effort into this movie. Most of it is pretty watchable too, but the bad effects help make it all better by ruining it, and this movie is somehow pretty amazing.

Mountaintop Motel Massacre '83

Like Blood Shack, this is another movie that features a character on the dvd cover art who isn't in the movie at all. They depict a wild-eyed psycho lady, but the killer in this movie is much more mild.

Damn, do I love the horror selection on Amazon Prime. This is a movie that's long been on my watchlist after having seen the Anchor Bay dvd advertised so regularly back in the day, but that misleading cover art made me a bit iffy. Frankly, the image of the woman trying to get through the door didn't do this movie any favors, so I'm glad that the actual movie wasn't like that.

This movie has a great aesthetic to it. It has a lot of autumnal imagery to it with the seasonal colored trees, almost like FleshEater in a way, and despite it's title of being on a mountain, this is actually more like a bayou junkheap setting with references to Louisiana. That imagery does wonders for what is sometimes a boring movie, but somewhat hypnotic at the same time.

A bunch of travelers stop at this grim motel as the rainy night gives them a reason, and the psycho old lady with a history of mental illness sneaks into their rooms through trap doors, putting snakes, rats, and roaches in there before she starts picking them off with a sickle.

Underneath that trap door is a series of tunnels that bears a strong resemblance to the lair of Madman Marz. The film itself almost shares the cheesy yet nightmarish quality of that film. This would be a great movie to get high and zone out to.

Film Aficiando

A heads up if people don't know. Film AF is shutting down July 30th. So anyone who has there DVD/Blu-ray collections on there and needs to export it need to do so by then. Although not sure what exporting it and just turning it into a list on excel or word document will do as it kind if defeats the purpose of that site.

Arpie (1987) - mind melting Italian freakout

Deepstar Six

You might remember me rambling on recently about how 1989 was a year for undersea mayhem with The Abyss and Leviathan... Well, there's another one. Deepstar Six, directed by Sean Cunningham. You know, the director of Friday the 13th? Well, this one even has a score by Harry Manfredini!

I would have to say for sure that this is the weakest of the bunch. They set this in the "near future" even though there's nothing outlandish about it really. Some undersea exploration team is supposed to build a missile base or something for the navy, but they discover a cave... "Blow it up!" says the boss man, but the other lady says to explore it! They try to get in there before it all goes south, and they unleash some weird crustacean monster who kills everybody.

This one didn't have anything particularly new to offer, so I'll explain some of its merits. The film features Miguel Ferrer, who always seemed to play an asshole, but he did it well. He must have been an asshole in real life to play it so convincingly. It also dealt with de-pressurization and featured a good way of taking advantage of that. Gnarly shit.

The monster was pretty goofy and the characters were bland, so I can't say much else about this one. It came out first though (January), then Leviathan (March), and then The Abyss (August), so they all got better as they went along.