A fucking brutal nightmare

No, that's not the name of a movie I saw, I just had a really brutal nightmare.

My nightmare was set in my apartment, in my bathroom, until right at the end.

Basically, I was in the shower, shampooing, and suddenly I just knew (like you just KNOW things in dreams) that an ex-girlfriend had just let herself in. That wouldn't have been so bad, but in my dream this ex-girlfriend had become a vampire. She could get into my apartment because I had invited her in lots of times.

Soooo this presented problems for me.

Suddenly, very suddenly, she stared pounding on my flimsy bathroom door, and then started stabbing a hole through it with some kind of heavy duty huge btcher knife or machete.

I stumbled out of the shower as fast as I could, naked, of course, with tons of shampoo foam from my hair getting in my eyes and all over the tile floor, together with lots of water from the shower, which was still running full blast. I did not have my glasses on, of course. So, not only was I basically blind from not having my glasses on, but I could barely open my eyes anyway because the shampoo foam kept getting in my eyes, and it REALLY stung. Also, the tile floor was basically a completely frictionless surface, because there was like half an inch of hot shower water on it, which was full of very sudsy slippery foam from the shampoo.

In the real world, if vampires really existed, she would have got me. I wouldn't have had a prayer.

But in the dream, somehow I slipped and slid toward the door, got my back up against the front of my toilet, and pressed my feet against the bottom of the door to keep it shut. My vampire ex-girlfriend was still stabbing a hole in the middle of the door, but she couldn't get it open.

I started trying to talk her out of killing me, or turning me into a vampire, but she didn't want to hear it. She just kept stabbing through the door. I kept trying, but it wasn't working.

My back was killing me, because I had it pressed really hard against the front of the toilet. But, all I could do was press it against the toilet even harder, so my feet could keep as much pressure as possible against the door.

This mostly happened in the space of just three of four seconds, with the problem of being on a wet, frictionless surface with no weapons while totally naked was a massive part of the ordeal. I guess it took a little longer than that when I was trying to talk her out of killing or envampening me, but everything else happened very quickly.

Then I saw that she had made the hole in the door large enough to look through. She did that, she looked through it, and she had spooky light vampire eyes like in lots of movies.

Then she stepped aside and let some other girl look through the hole in the door, and it was some totally new girl that I didn't even know was with her.

That was the last straw. I knew I didn't have a prayer, and that I would probably be either dead or vamped out in the next few seconds.

Time for drastic measures.

So I jumped to my feet, pushed off against the wall, and skedaddled across the floor back into the shower. I pounded on the wall on the far side of the shower as hard as I possibly could, and managed not only to pound a hole through the wall, but to avoid any electrical wires that may have been in there. I clambered through the hole out into the public hallway on the other side, that all the apartments on my floor share.

Luckily, in my dream there was a window at the end of the hallway, and it was pouring (poring??) sunlight into the hallway. Soooo...

I was safe.

In real life of course, I never could have pounded a hole through the wall. Maybe when I was 18 or 19, I guess. There was a year or two around that age when I was trying to be like Herschel Walker, and I did so many push-ups over a period of many months that I became capable of walking all the way around our house on my hands. That included going uphill!!!! Try doing that sometime, it was really hard. Anyway, at that time in my life maybe I could have just beaten my way through a wall, but not anymore. Except in dreams, apparently.

Anyway. Yah. Had to share. Somehow, I bet that was inspired by The Substance, just because it was in a bathroom, and being naked on the floor was a big part of it.

That could actually make a decent scene in a horror movie I imagine.

OK! Had to share. I now return you to your regular lives. Kirk out.

The Legacy (1978)

We must have talked about this before, on here. I can't find any threads though. Any fans? I am not going to be able to compose a very intelligible post right now, because I'm trying to sleep. But, I was just thinking about this movie, so here's a link to watch it if you want, and I'll come back tomorrow and say stuff about it. Just briefly: it has a pretty great cast, with Katharine Ross, Sam Elliott, Roger Daltrey (!?! yes, seriously), and some less famous people. It's 70s as HELL, ha ha, no really it is. It's mostly set in England... it's probably not a coincidence that it came out not many years after The Omen and The Sentinel. Just imagine various plot elements from those two movies stewing for a few months in some writer's unconscious, and you could imagine the overall setting, music, and rough plot of this movie. Here, you can watch it for free here, or use whatever means you prefer that you might have at your disposal.

The Substance

I'm just gonna start a thread about this one, if anybody has thoughts, pls share 'em here.

OK, to start out, this felt like a cautionary sci-fi film modeled on The Portrait of Dorian Gray, co-directed by David Cronenberg, Brian Yuzna, and possibly Lucky McKee??? You'll know what I mean by that, if you've seen it.

Demi Moore looks QUITE respectable for her age, in this. She would have been 60 or 61 during filming, and she's plausibly playing a woman just turning 50. But, as good as she looks, she doesn't look young enough for the retro exercise TV show she is the star of. (Sorry about that sentence. That was pretty bad).

She is approached, during an unexpected visit to the hospital, by a young male nurse who says she is a suitable "candidate." (We gradually learn what that means). He gives her... I was distracted, but it must have been a flash drive, floppy disc, or CD-ROM... this movie is right up there with It Follows, when it comes to lack of clarity about what decade it is set in.

She goes home and sticks the little data storage unit thingie into whatever computer she has, and is shown a little video that is sort of a mysterious little commercial for something called The Substance. It promises to "release a new her," or something to that effect.

Not to wreck it too too too much, but eventually her soul comes to more or less inhabit a much younger and hotter body, that of Margaret Qualley. I am still trying to recall who MQ reminds me of, it is driving me up a wall. Facially, Kathryn Newton, overall physically, Jennifer Connelly, but there was some other famous girl 20-25 years ago that she looks like, whose name is eluding me. It doesn't make any difference anyway, unless MQ was deliberately chosen and made up to resemble this girl whose name I can't remember, to connote something important abot her character. Anyway, whatever, who cares.

Basically, the bulk of the movie is about how this poor woman's entire identity is impossible for her to disconnect from her own ideal of beauty. She comes to despise her true self, and starts to believe all the hype around the TV show she remains that star of (in her new body, in her new identity).

The ending made me think of Society, bigtime. So, yah, that's why I thought of Brian Yuzna. Well, maybe the last quarter of the movie. Nothing wrong with that.

There is quite a bit of nudity, soooo that's always nice. But, the way that it is sexual is really aimed at a hetero female audience, I would say, if that means anything to you. It's sort of about the seductiveness of a sexy identity to women, I would say. It's certainly not unpleasant viewing, as a guy, but I don't think we are really the audience the director had in mind.

Also, it reminded me a lot of the 1995 Jennifer Rubin film Wasp Woman. Had to mention that. WW actually might have been a movie for the SyFy channel, or whatever it was called in the mid-90s. Or... maybe for Skinemax. Either one.

Anyway. It's pretty interesting, it shows thought and work, aaaaaand I'm gonna give it two thumbs up. Kirk out.

#ShakespearesShitstorm

Funny, I recently mentioned this movie in a shout. It came out in 2020 to some small theatrical showings, but has been MIA on physical media and streaming, until now. Not sure exactly when it showed up, but has to have been very recently. It's on Troma Now for a subscription fee, but is playing on Fawesome for free with some ads.

The term "shitstorm" is appropriate, as plotwise, this movie is a fucking mess. Honestly, I'm not really sure what it was about. It's supposedly based on Shakespeare's The Tempest, which I have never read. But hell, this was just all over the place.

Most of the humor was just making fun of woke culture, and triggered social justice warriors, and their safespaces. I mean, that's all fine, but in 2025, it does feel a little dated. It probably felt refreshing 5 years ago when it should have come out, but who's even paying attention to those people anymore?

On the plus side, it does feature Troma's usual brand of lots and lots of boobies, bodily fluids, and not-so-subtle over the top gross-out offensiveness. So yeah, I guess I'd give it a mild recommendation. It's definitely better than the stuff they were doing in the late 80s-early 90s (Toxie 2+3/Kabukiman).

Folk Horror is my fav sub genre of horror

Not sure why, Atmosphere obviously plays a large role.
esp eastern europe stuff, the babes the clothes the folklore, the BS.
Gonna see if I can see some more over this coming year

btw I'm in love - Linda Rybová man what a babe, pity she didn't make more horror

Gorilla Suit Thread

I was looking for that thread where all movies were listed where someone is wearing a gorilla or monkey suit. Maybe it was on the old IMDb board and didn't make it to this site but I could have sworn it did. I have spent the last 20 minutes trying to find it but I must be an idiot that can't figure out how to use the search button properly.

David Lynch

I like Twin Peaks most because it's such a moody trip. I like Blue Velvet, but I didn't at first. Took a few watches, and I think I only started to like it after I watched TP. Fire Walk With Me also took a few viewings, but I think it's amazing now.

I always liked Eraserhead, though. That one was always on all the best-movies-ever lists since it was artsy fartsy, and I genuinely liked it. His hair is hilarious and the baby gave me nightmares. I think it was the cooked chicken that really won me over.

Then it's hit or miss for me. Lost Highway is meh, and I can never remember anything about Mulholland Drive. Everyone hates on his Dune. I remember my brother got the VHS of it as a gift once and he never opened it. 😄

Which is the best after the few I've seen?

You Can't Run Forever (2024)

A girl flees a serial killer in the wilderness. Not a slasher, mind you. This asshole uses guns, and this asshole is JK Simmons!

JK can be hilarious and he can be scary as hell. That's some serious range, and I love watching this guy play villains. Oz, J Jonah Jameson, Whiplash... and now in this movie that looks like it was made for Tubi. However, it is well crafted. And just for the lulz, the traumatized girl accidently takes shrooms halfway through and trips balls while the bad guy hunts her.

Pretty decent flick, worth at least one watch.

Christmas Challenge 2024

You know how this works. Watch anything Christmas, score it by runtime. Movies, TV shows, and holiday specials count. New Years stuff also counts, because why not?

From now till January 1st.

Mark your spot. Come on, now. This is an easy month!

Challenge Schedule 2025 Inc Winners

Here is a list of all the challenges coming up in 2025. I've nominated hosts for the challenges, so if you don't want to do it then... nominate someone else! If that person (i.e. Zombie) doesn't turn up then someone else can take over:

There are a couple of changes. The TV Show challenge will replace the Documentary challenge so if you still want to watch docs you can otherwise watch as many TV shows as you can.

The black & white challenge will replace the World Cinema challenge which, let's be honest was just too complicated but if you guys still want to do it again you can mutiny amongst yourselves.

And usually we have a break in January but fuck breaks! Breaks are for pussies. More on the new Anti-Turkey Challenge to follow.

January: Anti-Turkey challenge •NEW• hosted by Markus
•WINNER• Ballz
February: TV Show challenge - hosted by Box
•WINNER• Box
March: Trash challenge - hosted by Troma
•WINNER• Ballz
April: Animation challenge - hosted by Ballz
•WINNER• Box
May: Crime challenge - hosted by Box
•WINNER• The Vinny
June: "Different genre every week" challenge - hosted by Markus
•WINNER• Nicko
July: B&W challenge - hosted by Troma
August: A-Z challenge - hosted by Zombie
September: Sci-Fi & Fantasy challenge - hosted by Ballz
October: October challenge - hosted by Markus
November: Turkey challenge - hosted by Troma
December: Christmas challenge - hosted by Box