Back when I lived in London, I worked with a lot of Brazilian guys and they were all relentless horndogs, constantly trying to bang anything with tits and a pulse. You could have asked any of these dudes what he was thinking about, at any time of the day, and the reply would almost always be either football or pussy or both. Thus, I'm lead to believe that Brazil is one seriously horny country. Here is what a typical Thursday afternoon in Brazil looks like -
No surprise then that, during the 1980s, around 70% of the films produced in Brazil were pornos. With Coffin Joe on a hiatus, director Jose Mojica Marins decided to go with the flow, ditch the horror and embrace the fun of zooming in his camera on penises entering vaginas. When in Rome and all that...
I watched this without subtitles, but the plot is easy enough to follow. A bunch of horny dudes devise a competition to determine which of them is the alpha sex maniac and hole up in a beach house with a bunch of cock-hungry sluts for a day-long orgy. They also bring along a fruity gay Ron Jeremy lookalike to be the judge of their sexual prowess. As with your typical Brazilian orgy, we also get a talking parrot who commentates the sex scenes and a few conversations between a talking penis and a talking vagina. Ya know, the usual. And of course, there's the obligatory scene where a chick rips a massive fart while she's being done from behind. Every porno needs a good fart joke.
Money shots are plentiful and creative, my favourite being when a dude splooges directly onto the camera lens. It's a great moment, almost like the film itself is blessing the whole audience with a good facial. My skin didn't feel any healthier afterwards, but I still appreciate the sentiment.
So far modelled after Euro sexploitation, Jose Mojica Marins decided to push things a step further. His run-ins with the Brazilian censors had previously left several of his movies eviscerated and one movie outright banned. With newly relaxed censorship laws, it was time for revenge. And so it came to pass that Brazil's cinema audiences finally got to see their first bestiality porn scene, when the vagina of a lady of lax morals met the lipstick prick of a German Shepard named Jack. She had an ass that no male could resist, whether human or canine. He was a suave fellow with a smooth coat, a prideful gait and puppy-dog eyes that would melt the hardest heart. Together, they made history. Frantic, lustful and oh-so-wrong history. Jack's performance was so grand that screenwriter Mario Lima would later declare him "the best actor in the movie". I don't disagree.
Sadly, this special moment would later be tinged by tragedy. The female performer pocketed a hefty paycheck and no doubt popped over the border to Colombia, purchasing a mountain of uncut cocaine so enormous it would've lasted Keith Moon an entire weekend. Jack, however, died soon after, under suspicious circumstances, at the tender age of 5. Rumours spread that Jack's sudden fame had angered his owner, who poisoned him under the belief that the celebrity canine pornstar was having an affair with his wife. A promising career cut short before it had even begun.
Nevertheless, 24 Hours of Explicit Sex was Marins's biggest ever box-office hit, thus proving my theory that Brazilians are all dirty sexopaths. The groundbreaking bestiality scene opened the floodgates for Brazil's extreme porn scene that flourished in the following decades. The country later produced works like 2 Girls 1 Cup and 4 Girls Fingerpaint, easily the two most famous scat clips in history. They also gave us Human Snot Tissue, generally considered by the planet Earth's 7 snot fetishists to be the ultimate experience in snot porn. In recent times, they've also become the only country to combine bestiality with scat. Just to unnecessarily spell that out for you, that means hot nubile babes chowing down on animal excrement for your erotic viewing pleasure. Ain't the human race grand??
#Bestiality #Brazil #Porn #Truelove
Three things that this movie has going for it. Three things which I feel makes up for its shortcomings. Shortcomings mostly being an obvious lack of story or script. Although, this doesn't hold the movie back nearly as much as it should. Three things make Darkness. Atmosphere, score and gore. Three qualities that give this unlimited rewatch value for me. Even 20 years later, Darkness impresses me to no end. The atmosphere is all in the camera quality. Grainy, blurry, dark. This looks very much like something from about 20 years prior. The songs chosen for this film are dark and nightmarish, and fit perfectly. At the time of my first viewing, For me, this experience was second only to Peter Jackson's Dead Alive in the gore department. But there's no slapstick or any type of lighthearted humor in the world of Darkness. This world is a dreary one. An apocalyptic tone rears its ugly head from the beginning. We don't know where or when we are, but we know there is something to run from. But all we can see is, you guessed it. Darkness!
As we soon discover, the world is in the early stages of being taken over by Vampires. Not a bunch of Draculas and Barnabas Collins'. Basically, a bunch of zombies which are killed by daylight. Technically, this is a zombie movie. And a running zombie movie on top of it. But they ARE vampires, which automatically makes this more interesting than an actual zombie movie. So, we begin with some hysterical teenager in a convenience store, trying to talk some sense in to a cop and a clerk. Their inability to get it quickly leads to the kid borrowing a gun and blowing his own brains out, out of sheer hopelessness, I guess. The first five minutes is nothing short of insanity and lets the viewer know that whatever is to come, it won't be pretty. Head Vampire, Liven soon arrives and cleans house. Taking everyone's blood and making a couple new vampires. The suicide kid's friend, Toby, witnesses all this carnage, but manages to get away unharmed. Since discovering that his family, as well as everyone in his hometown, is gone, Toby's goal in life is to get rid of any and all vampires using his shotgun, chainsaw and Holy water. Liven won't be so easy, but so far, he's tearing their shit up good. And once he discovers some other surviving young people, they may get one step closer to figuring out a solution to this nightmare. But ending Liven is the only way.
While the story isn't completely unoriginal, the first half does tend to drag a bit, and it does take a while for the gore to really get started. But my advice would be to stick with this one, even if you get a little bored, as the pay off is massive. But until then, we're given a look into a pretty hopeless scenario where a guy named Alex is suffering from a rare bone disease, and has about a zero percent chance of living. A disease that is slowly turning him into a zombie who vomits and shits worms. Big ones. And some maggots here and there as well.
Much like the other two Paulin films I've seen (At Dawn They Sleep and Fetus), this here's a fine example of a filmmaker making the most of what he has. Which was actually next to nothing from what I hear. The three Brian Paulin movies I've seen are low budget even for low budget standards, but never fail to entertain or impress. The gore and zombies both seem very inspired by Italy's heyday. As you might notice, The zombies do share a resemblance to those of Zombi 2 and Burial Ground. Paulin's films are what they are and never try to be anything other than what they are. Dark, morbid gorefests for Horror fans who require a little more than what the mainstream choices offer. Besides the earth shattering gore, one thing I appreciate about Bone Sickness is that it doesn't try to take an ironic or comedic approach in the least. There's never a point where they're trying to be cute or clever. Bone Sickness is some good old fashion ballsy Horror with no desire for compromise. Bone Sickness, above all, is refreshing. That is if you like that sort of thing.
Before I begin, I'd like to just point out that the only reason I watched Twilight is because I was curious after seeing this one. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, this shitty (but hilarious) movie begins exactly the way a Twilight spoof should; With Josh Suire taking a big shit. Playing LBP icon, Leo DeChamp's twin brother, he's quickly killed off by a vampire, after a very necessary nod to Friday The 13th Part V. We now cut to the always hilarious Meredith Host, playing the female lead of "Stella". This comically dull chick is on her way to her dad's house, to live. And we're off to a great start, as it's made clear immediately that Stella's dad is all about sticking it to her. Soon, her old friend, Jack, stops by for a visit. He seems more interested in fingering her vagina than anything else, and succeeds in making the first five minutes in her new home even more awkward.
Fagpire is not what they call vampires in his movie. It's what they call vampires who are little twats. But there are actual vampires in this, too. A pack of "real" vamps set their sites on Edgar so they can have sweet li'l Stella all to theirselves. Her pal, Jack, more or less makes his feelings known, as well as the fact that he's a Michael Jackson-obsessed Werewolf. And a really shitty-looking one at that. Meanwhile, the sun causes bubbles to ascend from Edgar's crotch, as Stella becomes his. Fun stuff. Although, the incest jokes are still the highlight for me...
One thing I'd like to point out in Chris Seaver's defense is the lame title of this movie was not his idea. This was originally meant to be called Twatlight, which sounds about 10,000 times cooler if ya ask me. Shame on Tempe for being pussies and depriving this film of extra cool points. But coolness lies elsewhere, with a hysterical performances as always by Meredith Host, along with Kurt Indovina, Jason McCall and Andrew Baltes. And the always delightful Billy Garberina as the mustached incest dad. We even get a cameo from Chris Seaver, himself, as Jock De Queaf, who usually edits these fine films. And I have to mention the return of an old LBP regular, A.J. Stabone, who plays jack. Great to see him back. I figured he was gone for good. And speaking of returns. A very long-awaited return was also made by Jesse Green, who repsrised his role of Razor McBleed. A very nice touch. I definitely thought HE was gone for good. Glad to see old LBP regulars wander on back from time to time.
Hard to tell what's going on, right? That's from a gay porn loop that's come to be known as The Anal Birth of Bert. Porn loops were short movies, usually recorded on 8mm cameras without sound, that would be played in adult theatres and jerkoff booths. When home video came around, and porno quantitatively exploded like a volcano of babysnot from Peter North's dickhole, the old-school porn loops only survived the transition by a few crafty entrepeneurs taping them by pointing their cameras at the screen. Let's face it, noone was gonna put forth the cash to give these dirty stag shorts a nice crisp remaster. In a sense, VHS copies of 8mm porn loops are like the birth of cam rips. Although this process allowed such pornographic goodies to remain existent, it left them somewhat incomprehensible, as seen in the above pic.
It's been admitted that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple, but more specifically and what's gone unacknowledged by the Henson company, is that they have a sub-dom relationship. The Anal Birth of Bert gives us some background information and enriches their characters. The homosexual "mother" of Bert is a submissive. I don't know this for certain, but I'm making an educated guess, because anyone who takes a fist in their ass and it's still not enough is usually a sub. Common sense, really. Hence, Bert grows up calling the shots in the household and develops into a natural dom. He'd give the orders, stamp his feet and always end up getting his own way, which is why he's so bossy to Ernie. And Ernie always putting up with grumpy-bum Bert suggests that he's clearly a sub, just like Bert's dad. See, there's even Freudian shit in there.
