Hexadog!

An android app developed by our own @DerTables.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.teinc.hexadog

You destroy blocks to get a high score, just don't click the red blocks and don't fall off.


It's pretty mindless, but I really enjoy it.

#Android #App #Game

Blood Feast 2: Comeback Of The Millennium



Three days ago, Herschell Gordon Lewis passed away. Earlier that day, I wrote a review for Frank Henenlotter's Bad Biology, and emphasized on this film being his comeback. Hours later, I hear of Herschell's passing. One of the few remaining, and most beloved trailblazers in Horror and Exploitation, as well as one of my own personal B-movie idols. 2016 has taken away so many of our favorites, but this one has hit me the hardest. And as I've pondered Herschell's legendary career, his shortcomings as a filmmaker, and what a nice guy he seemed to be, I also got to thinking about his own comeback in 2002. Perhaps the greatest comeback of them all. As well as the most long awaited, and ultimately satisfying sequel I can think of off the top of my head. Today, I need to talk about Herschell Gordon Lewis. And while doing so, we're going to explore the goriest movie he ever made; Blood Feast 2.

But first, a little backstory leading to this point in time. From the late 50's to the early 70's, Herschell Lewis exploited just about every exploitable taboo in his films. From Nudie Cuties to Hixploitation, the man covered a lot of ground. However, there's only one taboo he will be remembered for. We all know that's the Gore. But not just gore, itself. Herschell along with his producer and friend, David F. Friedman, made history by making the balsy move of being the first people to come out with Horror (for the lack of a better word) films with kill scenes which included graphic violence. Fake looking, yes. But there was just so much of it! Not that they could compare with a Martyrs or a Dead Alive, but this was groundbreaking stuff for 1963. And those who weren't impressed by this, were absolutely outraged and sickened. But tough shit. There were no laws preventing the gore. Nor would there ever be.

Fast forward to 1972. Many films, and several gore films later. Herschell comes out with his goriest and sleaziest film to date; The Gore Gore Girls. And it seems as though Herschell is only getting started. But as it would turn out, this is where he would leave things. Herschell left the Exploitation world behind, and quietly disappeared.

For a while, it may have seemed these films, and maybe even the era itself, had been forgotten. But with the emergence of Something Weird Video, the world would be reminded, and a new generation would be made aware of Herschell Gordon Lewis' contributions and the impact it had. He didn't know it yet, but Herschell had become a legend. Thanks to Mike Vraney, we were treated to dvd releases of most of Herschell's films, packed with extras, usually including some entertaining and informative audio commentary tracks by Herschell himself, telling his story, piece by piece. As something Weird Video breaths new life into the old films, it becomes more and more clear over the years, that making another film might be an option. And in 2002, thirty years after The Gore Gore Girls, Herschell finally gave all the gorehounds what they were craving with a sequel to his most famous film, Blood Feast. However, there would be high expectations for a Blood Feast 2. And rightfully so.

As expected, Blood Feast 2 turned out beautifully. It had the feel of an old Lewis flick from the 60's, but with that certain self-aware comedy that most modern B-movies possess. This was also very much a throwback, before such a thing even existed. Plenty of low brow humor, reminiscent of Troma, at times. Most importantly, Blood Feast 2 is one of the craziest, most gore-drenched films I have ever seen. It's as if all this gore had been waiting with us for those 39 years, only to unload all over us when the time was right. But now, let's talk about the comically thin storyline.

Unlike the original Blood Feast, as well as most of Herschell's gore films, this sequel was not filmed in Florida. To me, that takes away, but isn't unforgivable. I guess the story is supposed to take place in Miami, though. In Blood Feast 2, we meet the grandson of Fuad Ramses, cleverly named Fuad Ramses III. Fuad the 3rd has inherited his grandfather's catering business, which he is now taking over. I have no idea how this works, exactly. Did he actually inherit this place from his father, who originally inherited it from Fuad the 1st, decades ago, or are we supposed to think no time has passed since 1963? If so, they're doing a shitty job of making it look like it's 1963.

So, early on, we can tell where all this is headed, as the paper thin story takes a back seat only to the horrific acting, especially by the guy who plays Fuad the 3rd, who is so wrong for this role, yet so right. Fuad the 3rd is possessed by the same statue as seen in the original, which makes him all sweaty and creepy, and his hair all greasy-looking like grandpa Fuad. so, this otherwise regular guy is now obsessed with Egyptian Goddess, Ishtar, and pleasing her with the feast which must include human body parts. The Egyptian blood feast is about to return to Miami, or whereever.

Most of the "so bad it's good" humor comes from two places. The oblivious cops, and a rather cunty woman named Mrs. Lampley, who's daughter is getting married. The Lampleys come to Fuad the 3rd to cater the reception. Mrs. lampley is a horrible, controlling woman, who you just know is going to get it sooner or later. She probably has the best lines in the movie, though. Meanwhile, Fuad the 3rd is on a killing spree so he can please Ishtar as well as his new clients. Which brings us back to the cops. One, a fat fuck, who constantly feeds his fat face in literally every scene he's in. And the other, a green little gipper who could pass for a junior in highschool. The two of them make asses of themselves as they try to make sense out of all the gore. Never once are they on the same page, as they both suspect Fuad, but at different stages in the movie. Even when evidence stares them right in the face, they still don't get it. Meanwhile, the arrogant Fuad barely even has to try and cover his tracks. Where's Thomas Wood when you need him?

Not often does hype and wait pay off so beautifully. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but this is exactly what such a long-awaited Blood Feast sequel should be like. Ridiculously gory, bad on purpose, which usually doesn't work, but for this, it does. And most of all, Blood Feast 2 is fun from reel to reel. One can tell Herschell held on to some ideas over the years just for this movie. I still haven't herd the audio commentary for this film, and haven't ever heard him speak of it, really, but I can imagine Herschell was satisfied with this film every bit as much as his loyal and patient fanbase.



If Blood Feast 2 had turned out to be Herschell's last film, I don't think many of us would be complaining. However, he didn't stop there. Because in 2009, yet another gore epic was bestowed upon us, with the outrageous satire comedy, The Uh-Oh! Show, starring Joel. D. Wynkoop. And as we speak, his final work, BloodMania, is now in post-production. Herschell Gordon Lewis may be gone. But for his fans, the journey is not quite over. As fun as his modern movies are, they did nothing for his legacy, as it was already cemented decades ago. Although, I will always be grateful that good 'ol H.G. wandered on back to hang with us for a while longer. The Godfather Of Gore will never be forgotten. R.I.P. H.G.L. 7/10



#Review

Wolf Creek - The Series

I thought the first film was an alright, bleak chainsaw massacre rip-off. The second film was a lot more over-the-top in gore and somewhat funny. Now... we've got a web series in the works with John Jarratt (Mick Taylor) and Greg McLean (writer/director of both films) returning.

I'm down for some more Wolf Creek, and I'm glad John Jarratt seems to enjoy playing a psycho this much, because he's good at it! So does anyone care? We have at least 3 users from and around Australia, so maybe it's relevant to them?

Walton Goggins

I'm on a Walton Goggins tv show marathon. I just finished Sons of Anarchy, where he plays a transsexual. Now I'm watching Vice Principals, the HBO show where it's him vs. Danny McBride to become principal of some shitty school. THen I'm gonna watch 'Justified'.

Walton Fuckin' Goggins, yo!

#GetYourGogOn #Goggins4Life

Unofficial Evil: The History Of The Devil You Know



The Business side of music can be a bitch. Like every business, money and technicalities are everything. It was always true, but much truer nowadays. Take Black Sabbath for example. A band once based on drugs, doom and creativity, is now nothing more than a money making machine, controlled by lawyers, managers, contracts and greed. All the things the original Black Sabbath loathed way back in the anti-establishment 70's. But for a band to keep up these days, they've got to play the game. But let's back up a little bit. The original Sabbath ended as the 70's was coming to a close. Original singer, Ozzy, is out, and Dio's in. We've all heard the story. But with Dio's presence in the band brought not only a new voice, but a new writing style, a new vibe, as well as new life. In a way, Ozzy hadn't been relpaced at all. Black Sabbath become something else, entirely. And this change couldn't have come at a better time.

The release of Heaven and Hell conveniently came out around the same time as Ozzy's first solo album. Most anyone doubting the capabilities of this new guy was no doubt put in their place pretty quick by this refreshing new take on this no longer familiar band. What is now considered the traditional Sabbathy sound, had been replaced by a more contemporary Metal sound, perfect for the times. Black Sabbath was indeed back. But sadly, this new version would slowly crumble, as drummer, Bill Ward, took off not too long after this, due to personal issues. There would be one more album with Dio, but with a new drummer. A guy named Vinny Appice, who did a fairly good job filling in for the burnt out Ward. Not long after this, there was a huge disagreement, Dio left he band, took Appice with him, and started his legendary solo career. And so begins Black Sabbath's so-called dark period.

Ten years and five albums later, Sabbath had become about as irrelevant as it was going to get. With its current era having little identity due to constant bass and drum changes, Iommi had no problem telling current singer, Tony Martin, and whoever else, to get lost, as the team of Dio/Appice was returing to the fold. And of course. Geezer too. After one pain in the ass recording process, Dehumanizer was born. A very un-Dio-Sabbathy bunch of songs. Uninspired, uninteresting, and put bluntly, a little hard on the ears. A growly Dio sounds like shit on this one for some reason, and really, they all do. I don't know what happened, but Fuck Dehumanizer. That's all I got to say. And who really cares about Black Sabbath in 1992, anyway?

And due to yet another disagreement, this time invloving a show that included the "one time only" return of Ozzy, Dio Sabbath fell apart again. Time to get those other guys that nobody cares about back in. So, a little more of that, and later on, the inevitable reformation of the original Black Sabbath. This reunion, however, would mean the end of an era. To get Ozzy back in, contracts were signed. This was a different Ozzy than the broken man who was booted out almost two decades ago. Ozzy had made a name for himself in his solo career which, at the time, overshadowed Sabbath. For the past glory and legacy of this band to be restored once and for all, Shozzy (Sharon and Ozzy) demanded partial ownership. And a decision was made which ended this pattern of line up changes forever. Once again, there is only one Black Sabbath. Despite regaining respect and cementing their legacy as a big fucking deal, Sabbath merely became an oldies attraction, Almost constantly touring, playing only the greatest hits we've heard a thousand times, but never actually coming out with anything new. This phase ran its course, and just like that, the original Black Sabbath was again history.

A decade and a half after Dehumanizer, the original's reunion went nowhere, really, and now, talks once again start up between Black Sabbath and Dio. A "Dio Years" compilation album is released with three new tracks, all fairly strong material which were well-recieved. This leads to a successful tour. Tour leads to talks of an album. And right on schedule, Bill Ward shoots down any chance of being involved in that. However, Vinny "Dio's Drummer" Appice is always available. And then it was made official. The Mob Rules/Dehumanizer version of Dio Sabbath would be coming out with a new album. But said album being part of the Sabbath catalogue is out of the question. After a lawsuit with Ozzy, clearing up any confusion of who's in Sabbath and who isn't, a decision was made to start a new band. Dio-fronted Sabbath would now be known as "Heaven And Hell. Named after the first album featuring Dio.


There's not a hell of a lot to say about the recording of this album. No drama, everyone got along and hada great time, everything went smoothly. And most importantly, the album ended up nothing like Dehumanizer. So, let's take a look at The Devil You Know.

Atom And Evil: Slow, pretty, very Sabbathy. Not the best song on here, but still a refreshingly melodic opening track, letting us all know that Dio Sabbath is back. 6/10

Fear: This one switches gears nicely, giving us one of Iommi's coolest and fastest riffs to date. Dark, catchy and modern. Some energetic stuff, here. 7/10

Bible Black: I just can't praise this one enough. Starting out slow and heavenly with an acoustic guitar, until we are plunged into Hell with a lost soul. Shit picks up and gets real menacing real quick. This might not be a popular opinion, but I consider Bible Black to be Dio-Sabbath at its catchiest and all around best. Perfect! 10/10

Double The Pain: I could see some UFC fighter picking this song to come out to. Very much a fight song. Sounds like there's a story behind this one. Not sure who's. Not a very Sabbathy one, but one of the stronger tracks. 7/10

Rock And Roll Angel: Well, this just reminds me of Creed. So, that's not good. Still, not too shabby. Most chicks probably favor this one. 5/10

The Turn Of The Screw: Here, we hit a bit of a mid-album slump. There's not really anything wrong with this song, but it's not quite worthy of this album, which would probably be better off without it. 4/10

Eating The Cannibals: Fun little song. The shortest track on here, but one of the catchiest. Nothing impressive. Great solo by Iommi, though. Somewhere between filler and greatness. 5/10

Follow The Tears: A close second to Bible Black. Powerful and doomy, with a slow build into a beautifully evil epic. One of the all time greats for this band. 9/10

Neverwhere: The only song I enjoyed less than The Turn of The Screw. These two songs would be better suited for a solo Dio album. And even then, they'd be filler. 3/10

Breaking Into Heaven: Slow, doomy, majestic, evil, and beautiful. This is what The Dio-fronted version of Black Sabbath is all about. A fantastic final song for this legendary group. 8/10

Not bad at all. Dio, Iommi, Butler and Appice left Black Sabbath behind and the baggage and drama that came with it, and just did what they do best; Create amazing music. I wouldn't put this one quite up there with the Heaven and Hell and Mob Rules albums, but this is a far cry from Dehumanizer, which left a bad taste in many mouths for many years, until The Devil You Know finally came along and made up for it. Any fan of of this Sabbath incarnation should have no trouble forgetitng this is not an official Sabbath album. Because when it comes down to it, the music is all that matters in the end.

After a successful release and tour, plans were already in place for yet another album to be recorded. Iommi was already throwing around ideas for riffs and everything. This, of course, did not happen, and, sadly, never will, as Ronnie James Dio was diagnosed with stomach cancer. And on May 16th, 2010, it did him in. The world had lost one of the true icons of Metal. Now, I don't believe in an afterlife. And from what I've heard, neither did he, but I do hope that somewhere, on some plain of existence, the voice of God is alive and well, and restored to its 80's perfection. Not that his voice lost much in his final years. Quite remarkably, his 67 year old vocal cords did him better than most 27 year olds. Ronnie James Dio will never be known as someone who wore out his welcome. He just kept on kicking ass until the very end.

The truth is, I never had much use for 'ol Dio while he was alive. I always thought Heaven And Hell and Mob Rules had their moments, but they never quite clicked with me, and I never really appreciated his talent until I heard The Devil You Know. So, regardless of what this band was officially referred to in the end, I'll always be grateful that they got together once again to give the Dio Sabbath fans some Closure. Since the untimely end of Heaven And Hell, Drummer, Vinny Appice has moved on and joined a band called Kill Devil Hill. While Tony and Geezer have reunited with Ozzy and (NOT) Bill Ward to officially reform Black Sabbath to give some closure to the other end of the fanbase. A much more satisfying and long-awaited album, but that's another story. Shozzy may have successfully had The Devil You Know stricken from the record books, but they'll never sweep it completely under the rug. Nor will they make us forget the power of the almighty Dio, and his influence over Black Sabbath and Metal in general. So ends another chapter from the greatest band in the world! 7/10

24 Hours of Explicit Sex (1985)

Back when I lived in London, I worked with a lot of Brazilian guys and they were all relentless horndogs, constantly trying to bang anything with tits and a pulse. You could have asked any of these dudes what he was thinking about, at any time of the day, and the reply would almost always be either football or pussy or both. Thus, I'm lead to believe that Brazil is one seriously horny country. Here is what a typical Thursday afternoon in Brazil looks like -



No surprise then that, during the 1980s, around 70% of the films produced in Brazil were pornos. With Coffin Joe on a hiatus, director Jose Mojica Marins decided to go with the flow, ditch the horror and embrace the fun of zooming in his camera on penises entering vaginas. When in Rome and all that...

I watched this without subtitles, but the plot is easy enough to follow. A bunch of horny dudes devise a competition to determine which of them is the alpha sex maniac and hole up in a beach house with a bunch of cock-hungry sluts for a day-long orgy. They also bring along a fruity gay Ron Jeremy lookalike to be the judge of their sexual prowess. As with your typical Brazilian orgy, we also get a talking parrot who commentates the sex scenes and a few conversations between a talking penis and a talking vagina. Ya know, the usual. And of course, there's the obligatory scene where a chick rips a massive fart while she's being done from behind. Every porno needs a good fart joke.



Money shots are plentiful and creative, my favourite being when a dude splooges directly onto the camera lens. It's a great moment, almost like the film itself is blessing the whole audience with a good facial. My skin didn't feel any healthier afterwards, but I still appreciate the sentiment.

So far modelled after Euro sexploitation, Jose Mojica Marins decided to push things a step further. His run-ins with the Brazilian censors had previously left several of his movies eviscerated and one movie outright banned. With newly relaxed censorship laws, it was time for revenge. And so it came to pass that Brazil's cinema audiences finally got to see their first bestiality porn scene, when the vagina of a lady of lax morals met the lipstick prick of a German Shepard named Jack. She had an ass that no male could resist, whether human or canine. He was a suave fellow with a smooth coat, a prideful gait and puppy-dog eyes that would melt the hardest heart. Together, they made history. Frantic, lustful and oh-so-wrong history. Jack's performance was so grand that screenwriter Mario Lima would later declare him "the best actor in the movie". I don't disagree.



Sadly, this special moment would later be tinged by tragedy. The female performer pocketed a hefty paycheck and no doubt popped over the border to Colombia, purchasing a mountain of uncut cocaine so enormous it would've lasted Keith Moon an entire weekend. Jack, however, died soon after, under suspicious circumstances, at the tender age of 5. Rumours spread that Jack's sudden fame had angered his owner, who poisoned him under the belief that the celebrity canine pornstar was having an affair with his wife. A promising career cut short before it had even begun.



Nevertheless, 24 Hours of Explicit Sex was Marins's biggest ever box-office hit, thus proving my theory that Brazilians are all dirty sexopaths. The groundbreaking bestiality scene opened the floodgates for Brazil's extreme porn scene that flourished in the following decades. The country later produced works like 2 Girls 1 Cup and 4 Girls Fingerpaint, easily the two most famous scat clips in history. They also gave us Human Snot Tissue, generally considered by the planet Earth's 7 snot fetishists to be the ultimate experience in snot porn. In recent times, they've also become the only country to combine bestiality with scat. Just to unnecessarily spell that out for you, that means hot nubile babes chowing down on animal excrement for your erotic viewing pleasure. Ain't the human race grand??



#Bestiality #Brazil #Porn #Truelove

Hey Everyone I have something important to annouce

Leif Jonker's Darkness (1993)



Vampire films come in many forms. As a huge fan, I'm open to just about anything having to do with the subject. Whether they're old new, big budget or low, there's a certain classiness about a Horror flick with a Vampire. Although, "classy" might not be the first word to come to mind when watching the film I've been meaning to tell you about. Darkness. Or Leif Jonker's Darkness, as it seems more known as. One of many micro-budgeted unknowns I came across courtesy of my favorite video store back in the 90's. As soon as the cover caught my eye, I was sold. There was just no way I'm passing this one up. I had a feeling about Darkness from the beginning. Going by the cool, gory cover and the description on the back, I knew I was in for something different. But I still had no idea what a cool discovery I had just made.

Three things that this movie has going for it. Three things which I feel makes up for its shortcomings. Shortcomings mostly being an obvious lack of story or script. Although, this doesn't hold the movie back nearly as much as it should. Three things make Darkness. Atmosphere, score and gore. Three qualities that give this unlimited rewatch value for me. Even 20 years later, Darkness impresses me to no end. The atmosphere is all in the camera quality. Grainy, blurry, dark. This looks very much like something from about 20 years prior. The songs chosen for this film are dark and nightmarish, and fit perfectly. At the time of my first viewing, For me, this experience was second only to Peter Jackson's Dead Alive in the gore department. But there's no slapstick or any type of lighthearted humor in the world of Darkness. This world is a dreary one. An apocalyptic tone rears its ugly head from the beginning. We don't know where or when we are, but we know there is something to run from. But all we can see is, you guessed it. Darkness!

As we soon discover, the world is in the early stages of being taken over by Vampires. Not a bunch of Draculas and Barnabas Collins'. Basically, a bunch of zombies which are killed by daylight. Technically, this is a zombie movie. And a running zombie movie on top of it. But they ARE vampires, which automatically makes this more interesting than an actual zombie movie. So, we begin with some hysterical teenager in a convenience store, trying to talk some sense in to a cop and a clerk. Their inability to get it quickly leads to the kid borrowing a gun and blowing his own brains out, out of sheer hopelessness, I guess. The first five minutes is nothing short of insanity and lets the viewer know that whatever is to come, it won't be pretty. Head Vampire, Liven soon arrives and cleans house. Taking everyone's blood and making a couple new vampires. The suicide kid's friend, Toby, witnesses all this carnage, but manages to get away unharmed. Since discovering that his family, as well as everyone in his hometown, is gone, Toby's goal in life is to get rid of any and all vampires using his shotgun, chainsaw and Holy water. Liven won't be so easy, but so far, he's tearing their shit up good. And once he discovers some other surviving young people, they may get one step closer to figuring out a solution to this nightmare. But ending Liven is the only way.

Here's a Horror film which really lives up to its name. It's all about Darkness, here. Even the scenes which were shot in daylight have a bit of a tint to them. While the nights looks blacker than the depths of Hell. Leif Jonker's Darkness is unlike anything I've seen before or since. As mesmerizing and fascinating as the nightmarish atmosphere can be, it's equaled only by the massive doses of blood and gore. This Jonker guy is generous to say the least. And his film is truly for the splatter fan by the splatter fan.



One thing you could call this movie is rough around the edges. This isn't exactly Blade, here. In a way, something far better. Jonker originally made this film as a "demo" or sorts. Just a taste of what he was all about, before making an "actual movie". And as Darkness got out there, it slowly gained a cult following throughout the 90's making this alleged real movie a real movie. After several releases on vhs and dvd, Leif Jonker's Darkness got its own official dvd release from Barrel Entertainment in 2006, as we were finally introduced to Darkness: The Vampire Version. The long awaited Director's cut, which was all cleaned up and featured a new score and even more gore. The gore is fine with me, but personally, I never took to this new version as the new score kills it for me. However, I still have to recommend this release, as it is packed with extras, including the original Darkness, making this one of the most prized dvds in my collection. So, decide for yourself which version suits you. but to me, Darkness doesn't get any darker than the original '93 version. Vampire fans and living dead fans alike might want to give this a chance. Fans of the obscure and unique definitely need this in their lives. But for gore fans, Darkness will be a wet dream come true. 7/10



#Review

Bone Sickness (2004)



By 2004, the Zombie/living dead concept had been done to death several times over. We've seen the best, the worst, smart zombie flicks like Shaun Of The Dead, stupid one's like Redneck Zombies, atmospheric masterpieces courtesy of Lucio Fulci, and of course, the outrageous gorefests. As of 2016, Peter Jackson's pride and joy has still yet to be topped. But in 2004, a guy named Brian Paulin came pretty close with a very much inspired, shot-on-video nightmare known as Bone Sickness. And by then, what else do we really need from a zombie flick? Not to imply that awesome gore fx is all this movie has going for it. Bone Sickness is also very creepy, dark and quite unsettling at times. Just sayin'. If gore is what you desire most, then, trust me. You desire Bone Sickness.

While the story isn't completely unoriginal, the first half does tend to drag a bit, and it does take a while for the gore to really get started. But my advice would be to stick with this one, even if you get a little bored, as the pay off is massive. But until then, we're given a look into a pretty hopeless scenario where a guy named Alex is suffering from a rare bone disease, and has about a zero percent chance of living. A disease that is slowly turning him into a zombie who vomits and shits worms. Big ones. And some maggots here and there as well.

On the bright side, the sickly Alex at least has a hotter than hell wife to take care of him, so, it could be worse. Alex's wife, Kristen, is losing hope, but has decided to turn to his best friend, Thomas (Paulin) for help. Thomas has this bright idea that feeding Alex bones of the dead will strengthen his own bones. Getting his hands on this bone marrow medication is convenient due to Thomas being employed by the local morgue. Sounds stupid? Well, yeah. But it actually works. Despite Thomas' good intentions, the dead are now pretty sore at him over this stunt, and have risen from their graves just to let everyone know that you don't fuck with the dead. Unfortunately for the entire world, they are not stopping with Thomas. But on the bright side, Alex is starting to feel a little better... Well, sorta.

Much like the other two Paulin films I've seen (At Dawn They Sleep and Fetus), this here's a fine example of a filmmaker making the most of what he has. Which was actually next to nothing from what I hear. The three Brian Paulin movies I've seen are low budget even for low budget standards, but never fail to entertain or impress. The gore and zombies both seem very inspired by Italy's heyday. As you might notice, The zombies do share a resemblance to those of Zombi 2 and Burial Ground. Paulin's films are what they are and never try to be anything other than what they are. Dark, morbid gorefests for Horror fans who require a little more than what the mainstream choices offer. Besides the earth shattering gore, one thing I appreciate about Bone Sickness is that it doesn't try to take an ironic or comedic approach in the least. There's never a point where they're trying to be cute or clever. Bone Sickness is some good old fashion ballsy Horror with no desire for compromise. Bone Sickness, above all, is refreshing. That is if you like that sort of thing.

https://www.morbidvisionfilms.com/BoneSickness/torninhalf.JPG Originally, Bone Sickness was self distributed, but once it got a re-release from Unearthed Films, the two man team of Brian Paulin and Rich George (Alex) created a new cut of the movie, including extra scenes, made up mostly of extra gore just for the fans. There's also a new sub plot involving goblins, but I'm not going to go into that right now. In one tasty new scene where Alex vomits up some worms, footage is added of him eating them. Who knows what purpose that served, but I thought it was pretty damn sweet just the same. Much respect to Rich George for taking one for the team.

One thing I love about Brian Paulin films is this guy always puts in the extra effort to make things even more disgusting and uncomfortable than the masters of gore that came before him. In this one, it's worms coming out of all holes. in his next film, Fetus, we get to witness a birth via dickhole. You just can't find this stuff anywhere else. So, if the crazier, more gruesome micro-budgeted gore like Violent Shit or the Guinea Pig series is what gets you going, do yourself a favor and give Bone Sickness, and Brian Paulin movies in general, an honest shot. Because life is too short to be without these movies if you're a gorehound. 6/10



#Review

Incest & Frolf: The History Of Taintlight



Fuck the Twilight movies. There! I said it. Being a male in my 30's, I realize these movies weren't meant for me. Therefore, my opinion on the matter is pretty much irrelevant. But I stand by my original statement, nonetheless. I've only seen the first Twilight, and like many, I found it to be dull, sappy garbage which takes itself far too seriously for my taste. I know another guy who hates Twilight. A guy by the name of Chris Seaver. Seaver directed this here parody I'm about to tell you about. This guy knows a thing or two about parodies, as he's had a ton of experience making them over the years, with such LBP epics as I Spit Chew On Your Grave, Ski Wolf. Even his long awaited sequel to the now legendary Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker, somehow ended up a Kill Bill parody of all things. So, when Tempe Video wants to cash in on this stupid shit, they knew they found the right guy for the job.

Before I begin, I'd like to just point out that the only reason I watched Twilight is because I was curious after seeing this one. Just throwing that out there. Anyway, this shitty (but hilarious) movie begins exactly the way a Twilight spoof should; With Josh Suire taking a big shit. Playing LBP icon, Leo DeChamp's twin brother, he's quickly killed off by a vampire, after a very necessary nod to Friday The 13th Part V. We now cut to the always hilarious Meredith Host, playing the female lead of "Stella". This comically dull chick is on her way to her dad's house, to live. And we're off to a great start, as it's made clear immediately that Stella's dad is all about sticking it to her. Soon, her old friend, Jack, stops by for a visit. He seems more interested in fingering her vagina than anything else, and succeeds in making the first five minutes in her new home even more awkward.

Things remain awkward the next day at her new school as she hangs with retards. A pretty boy named Edgar also catches her eye. Edgar is a serious, little brooding poon, seemingly with a chip on his shoulder. He seems to want nothing to do with her. And is also a bit of a bully, at times. All done in a very over-the-top manner. But, maybe, just maybe, there's something more to his coldness. Edgar feels that it's for her own good that they stay away from one another. Because Edgar happens to be a fagpire. Or maybe he just thinks she smells like shit.

Fagpire is not what they call vampires in his movie. It's what they call vampires who are little twats. But there are actual vampires in this, too. A pack of "real" vamps set their sites on Edgar so they can have sweet li'l Stella all to theirselves. Her pal, Jack, more or less makes his feelings known, as well as the fact that he's a Michael Jackson-obsessed Werewolf. And a really shitty-looking one at that. Meanwhile, the sun causes bubbles to ascend from Edgar's crotch, as Stella becomes his. Fun stuff. Although, the incest jokes are still the highlight for me...

One thing I'd like to point out in Chris Seaver's defense is the lame title of this movie was not his idea. This was originally meant to be called Twatlight, which sounds about 10,000 times cooler if ya ask me. Shame on Tempe for being pussies and depriving this film of extra cool points. But coolness lies elsewhere, with a hysterical performances as always by Meredith Host, along with Kurt Indovina, Jason McCall and Andrew Baltes. And the always delightful Billy Garberina as the mustached incest dad. We even get a cameo from Chris Seaver, himself, as Jock De Queaf, who usually edits these fine films. And I have to mention the return of an old LBP regular, A.J. Stabone, who plays jack. Great to see him back. I figured he was gone for good. And speaking of returns. A very long-awaited return was also made by Jesse Green, who repsrised his role of Razor McBleed. A very nice touch. I definitely thought HE was gone for good. Glad to see old LBP regulars wander on back from time to time.

Usually, Chris Seaver spoofs movies he actually likes. But an offer was made to make a parody of a very successful film, as faggy as it may have been. He'd have to be a fool to turn this one down, I say. But this does come off like maybe his heart wasn't quite in it, compared to some. But director-for-hire movies usually do. The shooting of this film came at the end of a very long week for the LBP gang, as a lot of them had just got done shooting another film called Teenape vs. The Monster Nazi Apocalypse. Eventually to be revealed a far worse movie than this one, thanks to the Troma team. Another story for another day, that one. But as half-assed as Taintlight may have been, it all came off every bit as crazy and ridiculous as any other Seaver flick, which should satisfy those who dig this stuff. Considering that, as well as the huge shit it takes all over Twilight, I would classify Taintlight as a success, like it or not. 5/10



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