12 Inches of Dangling Fury (2003)



Oh my fucking God where do we start? First off I will point out this isn't porn 😄 The films title refer's to the upcoming film one of the lead characters will be starring in... Hugh 'fucking' Jackman

12 Inches of Dangling Fury is the tale of two sisters (Heather and Puggly), Jesus Christ, Hugh Jackman, and a BUSTY demon hunter named Aiko Harrada.

Confused? You should be 😉

Basically you have two sisters & one is a bit of a slag, the other a fucking strange mongoloid specimen... the type who loves "PB&B"... peanut butter & blood... specifically heavy flow period blood because apparently the plasma tastes nice, she also likes farting into jars so she can take a sniff 😄

Be warned good people that this film is most likely going to offend the religious, disabled, feminists, Jews, Hugh Jackman fans, vegetarians... it will offend pretty much anyone but more in a ignorant endearing fashion rather than mean spirited... offensive non the less 😄

One quote I liked from the film was when Heather says "I can suck cock in three different languages" ... loads of silly talk but the delivery on this line was deadpan & cracked me up.

JESUS



HUGH JACKMAN (In the middle 😄 )

Any musical talent here?

Who plays an instrument?

I play guitar and write songs, but I've been in a dry spell for months. The inspiration just isn't there lately. I'm hoping to buy a new amp so I can bust out my electric guitar for the first time in years...

I remember that thread on the horror board where zed was shredding some tune about yakko, which totally surprised me. And he's a programmer too, which puzzled me even more, but that's beside the point!

So... who here makes music?

Thank You

I was just wanting to say Thank You to
Tromafreak and Fuad_Ramses_IV for letting me join this site.
I was on IMDb as jacobstanleymoore.
This site looks so much better then IMDb thanks again for letting me join.

Anyone ever talk like Grimlock at work?

Sometimes it's good to say to people in the office. "Me Grimlock not like you" or Grimlock say "Go fuck yourself"

Any other forums you guys post on?

Besides TrashEpics and the HB of course. These are (I think?) the only two forums I use and I was wondering if anyone on here goes on any other good horror sites.

Snake and Whip (Japan, 1986)



"Young ravishingly beautiful girl (Ran Masaki) accepts a lucrative job as a secretary. Pretty soon company boss makes a pass at her in an abrupt manner. When outraged girl slaps him in the face the man deliberately plans a revenge. Soon the unsuspecting girl falls into a trap and is forced to become his sex-slave!"



•WARNING! This film is fucked up & I will be throwing around some spoilers since am guessing most people won't plan on seeing this anyway.


The first 25min of this film is just getting to know the characters, loads of nudity, one rough sex scene & the girls brother cracking a wank watching his sister in the shower... I was rolling my fucking eyes & kept switching between tabs on my computer so missed a few details on which character's are which so I may explain the following slightly wrong.

•MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!•

The film finally kicks in around the 25min mark when the girl is tricked into going to her bosses sex dungeon to save her brother who is being held captive for fucking someones daughter, one of the bosses business partners if I got it right.

Her bro is tied to a post stark bollock naked in the room with the bosses partner, his wife, three other men and the bosses secretary, the wife is threatening to chop his pea pod off if the girl doesn't do as told... in comes the inevitable rape & rope bondage that you often see in these weird ass films.

NOW! Here's where the film comes into its own & pushes the insane-shit-o-meter up to 10... the girl is chained to that bar in the picture above then soapy water or a laxative? is injected into her asshole thus making her explosively shit all over the place (her brother is forced to see all this)

Next up her brother is given a bowl of what looked like dog shit to eat he throws the bowl on the floor & takes a good fucking whipping of the woman who gave it him, his sister then picks up said dog crap & puts it back in the bowl to save her brother... nice try but no cigar, of course she ends up having to eat it!

The next big thing that happens is so messed up you may find it offensive just reading about it! The brother has an elastic band put round his cock to trap blood & make it hard he is then winched up into the air by his wrists & they ass fuck his sister with him...

Yes this film is mental but I will point out that the nudity isn't graphic because at this time in Japan full frontal was off the menu, I will also point out that technically speaking the film looks very well made.

Its impossible to recommend this kind of film to everyone but for people with interest in obscure & extreme films you could do a hell of a lot worse than this one.


I have left out telling you how the film ends, if however anyone is curious let me know and I will post it hidden behind the spoiler alert thing [word!]

#Asian

It Follows (2014)



There was a lot of positive buzz surrounding this and it really delivered. It truly is one of the best and most original horror films of the decade. It's scary, suspenseful, and sticks with you.

After a sexual encounter, a young girl, Jay (Maika Monroe) is followed by a mysterious supernatural force.

The premise of this film alone is terrifying and original. It's left the door open to a lot of different interpretations. A lot see it as a metaphor of STDs and the dangers of sex, which is the most accurate interpretation. The fact that its left so much up to discussion is the main reason this film lived up to its hype. After Jay has her sexual encounter with Hugh (Jake Weary), a young man, that's when everything changes for her. The supernatural force takes human form and changes constantly. It may be a complete stranger or someone really close to you as Hugh describes to her. It never stops following you until you have sex with someone else, but even then it can still linger. If it catches up to you, you're dead—simple as that.

On top of the great premise, the film has flawless cinematography, a haunting score, the perfect setting, and great acting. The suburban setting is reminiscent of classic horror films such as Halloween (1978), and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). The dream/nightmare logic of the film makes it very comparable toA Nightmare on Elm Street especially. The score composed by Disasterpiece is fitting, spine tingling, and 80's horror-esque. Although horror is typically criticized as a genre because of bad acting, that's not the case here. The whole cast is great and we really find ourselves caring about Jay and her struggle to understand what is happening. She has supportive friends which include her younger sister, Kelly (Lili Sepe), her female friend, Yara (Olivia Luccardi), and her male friend, Paul (Keir Gilchrist). We really see the film from their perspective because there aren't long scenes with any adults, and it works. Most of the time they're in the background, or only briefly seen—perhaps the film's saying that they're helpless and that it's unable to relate to them during the age of sexual discovery?

The relationship between Jay and Paul is believable and changes as the film progresses. Paul has sexual feelings for Jay, but it's not mutual (or so it seems). There are some great shots and bits of dialogue that make the sexual tension between the two apparent. Greg (Daniel Zovatto), Jay's neighbor getting involved in her horrific situation further complicates their relationship. The film builds up to a tense and awesome climax at a swimming pool where Jay and her friends attempt to destroy whatever "it" is that follows her. The film ends with a feeling of ambiguity, fitting considering its shrouded so much in it, and also acceptance in the minds of Jay and Paul.

I cannot recommend this film more if you're a horror fan or even a casual moviegoer. It's a smart, original horror film that also serves as a love letter to 70's and 80's horror films. Writer and director David Robert Mitchell has a bright future ahead of him this film proves. He doesn't rely on excessive gore or nudity and instead creates an effectively creepy horror film that hits the psyche of the viewer.

Dark Shadows (2012)



I hate Tim Burton. I mean, I really just hate his movies. But the truth is, I hate his movies so much that I actually kind of hate the man a little as well. Not enough to wish brain cancer on him, or anything. Maybe kidney stones would be a fair compromise. But the point is, after all the annoying garbage I've sat through from Burton-Depp, I was willing to give their 2012 attempt at a Dark Shadows reboot an honest chance. Why? Because I'm fucking obsessed with the original TV show. And because Johnny Depp, an alleged fan, bought the rights after the death of Dan Curtis so he could persoanlly see to it that a decent remake would happen. Or so I heard. I'll be honest. I was dissappointed (although not surprised) when it was announced that Depp would be handing over the director's role to his life long soulmate, Tim Burton. But after interviews where both stated how much love they had for the 60's soap, and how they will give Dark Shadows a respectful homage. So, despite my better judgement, I started getting my hopes up a little. Perhaps Burton is going to think outside the box for a change, and actually show that he still has some talent/balls. Yeah. Denial. But I really wanted my Dark Shadows remake.

After months of speculation as to what direction they ultimately took, the trailer is finally revealed, which pretty much ended all speculation. I knew it was too good to be true. Tim Burton had gone and made yet another Tim Burton movie. All this trailer offered was wacky, corny gags, and a pussy-goth tone with a slight glimmer of what made the original interesting. I knew that's all it would end up being because it was in fact a Tim Burton movie, but I held on to a little denial, and still saw this in the theater, looking for a little love for the original to shine through, and maybe not as much silly horse shit as the trailer implied. I can be so naive.

Actually, this movie started out very promising. And somehow managed to pull off a more than decent ending. It's just that pesky 97& of the movie that got in the way. We begin in 1760. The Collins family of England, along with their young son, Barnabas, arrive in Maine to expand the Collins empire. Over the years, a mansion called Collinwood, and a town called Collinsport are built, which are made possible by the Collins fishing company. They go on to rush through a backstory which was originally a storyline from the tv show that made up close to 100 episodes, and wrapped it up in just under 10 minutes, leaving out detail after detail, which might have made us viewers give a little bit of a fuck about the few remaining characters they decided not to cut out.. Basically, Barnabas the play boy screws around with the maid, Angelique, whilst making it clear he's just having some fun, and that he's in love with another. Angelique is a jealous, obsessive witch, and doesn't take rejection lightly. Soon, Barnabas' parents end up dead. Not long after that, Angelique casts a spell on Barnabas' true love, Josette, forcing her to commit suicide by jumping off Widow's Hill.

As Barnabas fails to prevent this, he immediately loses all will to live, and jumps to his death as well. And before he dies, Angelique shows up and makes him a vampire simply by willing it to happen, which is beyond ridiculous. They could have easily had her make a cgi-bat appear, and bite him, but whatever. its not like this is anywhere near the stupidest thing that happens. And in the closing moments of the short-lived 1700's part of the movie, Barnabas is shoved in a coffin and buried underground by angry, vampire hating townspeople. I get that they couldn't squeeze in all the details of this storyline, so, adjustments had to be made, but it all just seems so rushed and meaningless.

And we now skip to nearly 200 years later, in 1972. Victoria Winters (aka Maggie Evans) is on a train heading towards Collinsport, as she's just gotten herself a job as a governess at Collinwood. She will be working for Barnabas' descendants, teaching and looking after young David Collins, who I guess is supposed to be a rip off of the Sixth Sense kid. How Barnabas has descandents is unclear, although, explained in the show. Just saying. As soon as Victoria arrives at Collinwood, it's all downhill from there. The silly one liners, misunderstandings and jokes that haven't been funny since the early 90's are clearly here to stay. This becomes more and more obvious as Victoria is introduced to each member of the family, who are all portrayed as mysterious, yet wacky. Later on, Barnabas is accidentally released from his coffin by construction workers, and immediately heads back home to Collinwood. And this is followed by one of the more noticeable changes made which makes this an all together different story. After meeting Elizabeth, Barnabas confesses to Elizabeth who/what he is, and guarantees everyone's safety. Pledging his undying loyalty to the family. Lame.

Things get even worse when it is revealed how down on their luck the now hasbeen Collins family have become. Angelique didn't stop with Barnabas. She's been tormenting and sabatoging the family ever since. She even has a rival fishing company called "Angel Bay", which has all but run the Collins' out of business. It's still Collinsport, and they still got their Collinwood, but the family is very much a shell of what it once was. Barnabas is now determined to restore the greatness his family once enjoyed. But once Angelique becomes aware of the emergence of her #1 obsession... Well, things are only going to get more and more stupid. Carolyn Stoddard is a scowling, sarcastic little bitch, Willie Loomis is a drunken half wit, the maid is 10,000 years old, Julia Hoffman, who is also a drunk, sucks off Barnabas, original cast members make an almost unnoticeable cameo, and Barnabas and Angelique end up destroying a room whilst fucking. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Somewhere in there, there is a good movie. It was possible, even with that abysmal script. Depp was capable of playing a decent Barnabas, and Burton was always capable of doing a decent Dark Shadows. Even if it still hadn't been the ideal remake for the fans. This movie is for nobody, except maybe those who absolutely worship Tim Burton. As one dimensional as these characters are, alot of the actors who portrayed them were not bad at all. Michelle Pfieffer was a fine choice for Elizabeth, as well as the actors who attempted to portray Roger, and Victoria. It was Helena Bonham Cater's pathetic, uninspired portrayal of Dr. Julia Hoffman, and that butterface, Eva Green who is nowhere near the same league as Lara Parker. Both, horrible. Although, I say Carter (aka Mrs. Burton) was the worst of the two. I get a strong feeling she's never seen the show before. Actually, it's very believable that most of the cast had never heard of the show before the idea for this unbelievable piece of shit came to be.

I don't hate everything about this movie. There's some beautiful locations, very nice cinematography, an okay score, at times. But Tim Burton's Dark Shadows is so purposely dumbed down, it's mind blowing. Besides coming off more like a dysfunctional Addams Family, they waste so much time which could be dedicated to the multiple storylines and characters who are given zero depth, or to the history of Collinwood and the Collins family which was such a big part of the show. But instead, they plow into our heads over and over again that Barnabas is from the distant past, and he doesn't know how stuff works in the 1970's. I believe it's called a "fish out of water" story. Tim Burton really thinks this is funny. and he must also think it's funny to switch things around, and make certain characters and turn of events as different from the show as possible, seemingly just to do it. Barnabas can walk around and exist during the day. Most of the movie is actually during the day which is dumb. In the original, Barnabas dealt with much guilt over the things he did. In this one, he's comically unphased by his cartoonish killings, which were non-factors. And one of the most noticeable changes to a fan of the original is how the Collins family business is such a major part of the movie, while in the show, it was rarely and vaguely mentioned. Nobody cares about the fucking Collins business, you idiots! I swear! They might as well have just called it "Not Dark Shadows".

This movie comes off as an attempt by Depp and Burton to piss off as many Dark Shadows fans as they can, But I know that's not the case. These guys really thought they could cater exclusively to the younger crowd like they always do, while claiming they're doing the exact opposite, without the fans of the original even noticing. Which makes them both not only greedy motherfuckers, but stupid motherfuckers as well. It wouldn't be so infuriating had they not lied their asses off from the beginning. Dark Shadows (2012) had potential to make a lot of people a lot of money, but ended up a lose-lose situation due to small minded, corporate greed, and a massive underestimation of an already built-in fanbase. The fans get shat upon, and the casual teenage movie goer barely notices. Therefore, nobody makes any money. So, everyone loses! A disaster which could have been avoided, had Depp and Burton used a little common sense and made this movie atleast partly for the fanbase they claimed to be a part of. Now, a real Dark Shadows remake is very much out of the question, and will be for a long time to come, because the Dark Shadows brand has no doubt lost all credibility thanks to Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. Yeah. Thanks alot, you stupid fuckin' cunts! 1/10



#Review

What does your butthole say about you?

I say "Nothing!" Every time I stare directly into my butt hole, it means nothing. I see no insight into my self, my soul, anything. My butthole is empty, except for poop, and I hate poop too. Does this mean I hate my own digestive system? No, it doesn't mean that.

Does this mean I love bad movies? No, it doesn't mean that either, although I do.

Does it mean when a frog, look, guys... Did you guys know when I was a kid I was so country I used to go frog-hunting at nights?

Love ya,

Do you think I'm fat?

Do you guys think I'm fat? Here's a picture of me. Do I look fat in this picture? Or is it just the picture? Or is it me? Am I a big fat fatty? Am I lousy? Do I have a purpose in life? Do I disgust you?

Okay, so here's a picture of me. I'm gross, I know it. But, am I liveable? Like, should I keep living? Or am I just a big fat disgusting turd-tard? Am I extra ordinary in my shitty ways? Like, I want to be a half-turtle/half-man. Is that awful? Am I fat? Do you think I'm fat?

I sometimes play jar of water by blowing over it and making tones. I pretend that I'm playing a piccolo for an orchestra and that I'm playing the most essential notes. Does this make me fat?

I sometimes wait for my spouse to leave for work an hour earlier than me so I can have time to jack off. Then I jack off to the fantasy that I'm jacking off on her ass. I can't even have fantasies that I'm having sex with any of my lovers any more. I just fantasize that I can jack off to the thought of them and not feel guilty about it. Like, yesterday, I cuddle up to her and she was all indignant: "Do you have a BONER?"

Which, if I did, I'd be like, "Yeah!"

But it was my belt buckle, so I said, "This is Trash Epics, a great site. You're being documented."

One thing she and I agree on is how badass Patti Smith is. And we both love Mercury Rev.