Your Favorite Pair of Friday the 13ths

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Across the River or Oltre il guado(2013)



Marco Contrada is a wildlife researcher working in the remote woods of Italy. His studies lead him to an abandoned village where he becomes trapped after a storm comes and floods him in. As Marco is waiting to be rescued, He soon figures out why this village is abandoned. The spirits of two little twin girls haunt this village and they like ripping things apart.

I'm going to say first that I'm not a huge fan of ghost movies because most ghost films don't scare me. The only one I think I have gave a 10 out of 10 is The Innocents. But Across the River scared me. I watched it last night before I went to bed and I almost hid under the cover. I don't usually get too scared anymore by horror movies. I will get a little scared, but not since I was little have I got this scared by a movie. The ghosts think Samara from The Ring only scarier in my opinion. And what Across the River does is it doesn't show the ghosts too much. By not showing the ghosts it makes it more creepy. And the movie also has an elderly man that used to live in the village telling part of the background of the little girls. I say part because he never tells everything which is probably a good thing because it leaves some mystery. But the scariest thing the old man says is that he saw the girls once when he was little 70 years ago and he has been scared ever since. Across the River atmosphere, sound, and overall build up is excellent. 10/10

Aja's 'HORNS' - Finally not a remake!

Alexandre Aja is a French director notorious for remakes. His list of remakes consists of High Tension (half remake of Intensity), The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors, and Piranha. That's pretty much his entire (widely available) filmography right there, but at least the guy's got style. He just didn't know how to use it until this dumb-sounding film came along...

Let's be honest, the premise does sound stupid: Harry potter grows horns after his girlfriend is murdered. Well it turns out this film is actually a goldmine of sentiment, bereavement, judgment, and entertainment. It's like Needful Things meets The Crow, but with snakes instead of crows, and Harry Potter instead of The Exorcist.

Aja finally strays away from remakes with this engaging and tragic coming of age tale of love after death. It's based off a novel, but it makes for one hell of a beautiful film, with a great cast, great performances, great soundtrack, and a great blend of several genres. Entertaining in many ways, but where were the boobies?

Gnome Alone

Centuries ago, a leprechaun falls in love with a witch, but like most women in movies with wealthy men, she was only after his money. Or enchanted gold in this case. I'm sure Kanye West could write a song about her. Anyway, she steals his gold and naturally the leprechaun is pissed. So pissed he has the witch marked for eternity with a mysterious tramp stamp. However, the Witch then has 2 lesbians rub each others boobs in a mud bath, which is actually a way of summoning a magical gnome to protect her and exact bloody murder on her enemies. Upon death, the curse passes on to a new victim and the gnome returns to kill those who have wronged her. Turns out it does more harm than good as the gnome has a warped sense of right and wrong.

I must admit that I went into Gnome Alone hoping for a killer garden gnome movie. I've been wanting a killer garden gnome movie ever since reading Goosebumps ''Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes'' as a kid (and twice more as a fully grown man with facial hair and moobs) and it continues to baffle me why they're never used in horror movies as the killers. They are so inherently creepy and a potential gold mine for critter features. However, Gnome Alone featured a gnome in the more traditional sense, but with more cat burglar inspired attire. If he wasn't destined to carry out the destiny of a witches curse then he could easily make a pretty steady living as a lowly career criminal. But the little guy is damn good at his current role in life and he seems to get job satisfaction out of it, so who am I to offer him career advice?

Verne Troyer plays the mischievous little guy, and he makes it his own. Most of the world will always see him as Mini-Me from Austin Powers, but here he brings life to a character that matches his personality and lets him delve into his acting range. Gnome Alone has franchise potential, and Verne deserves to be embraced as more than Dr. Evil's midget clone. He delivers his lines with gleefully twisted exuberance, making Gnome Alone a better movie than perhaps it has any right to be. The rest of the cast are entertaining and do their jobs well, but it's Verne who steals the show.

Campiness, corniness, sleaziness and raunchiness aside, Gnome Alone deserves some credit for it's production values. The movie opens with an animated sequence that gives it a mystical, fairytale-like quality, and going by the budget that this was made for it's very impressive. On top of that, the Gnome and Leprechaun both look menacing and creepy.

By now you should be aware of the audience that it's intended for, and if you feel you fall into that bracket then Gnome Alone is a movie you're bound to have a lot of fun watching. It's ridiculously charming and adorable. Let's hope they make a sequel versus the leprechaun.

Nobody Can Cool (2013)



So I decided to pick out a movie last night from a 9 pack I found in the Walmart dump bin. I saw Nobody Can Cool and it said Last House on the Left meets Reservoir Dogs. I'm thinking no way it is going to be as good as either of those movies. Anyways I put it in and basically it's about this couple Susan and David going to a friends cabin. The couple arrive at the cabin and somebody is already there and Susan's friend said the cabin would be empty. Susan wants to leave and stay at a hotel, but David said let's just stay here. The couple fight constantly throughout movie. The couple Susan and David find at the cabin are Gigi and Len. You can already tell something is weird with this couple. And Susan senses it too, but David is pretty much clueless.

After Susan and David get settled in and go to sleep, they are awakened by sound of a car. Susan tells David they are stealing our car, but he still sleeps. Susan goes to the door and they are locked in, but that doesn't stop her she climbs out the window. And soon is captured by an angry Len. Len is mad and tells Gigi that she was supposed to lock the door. Gigi says she did. Len tells Susan if you would have stayed in your room you would be fine. And then Gigi wakes up David and they tie Susan and David up. Then the audience gets a series of David and Susan nearly escaping and being captured and sort of back and forth of escapes. We also find out that Gigi and Len were involved in some sort of robbery gone wrong and their friend Tommy is upstairs hurt. And we learn about Moe another criminal involved. And basically a lot of character interaction with hardly any violence really.

Basically I sat there waiting for Moe to come in and I thought when Moe gets there things are going to get brutal. I thought he will probably rape Susan because surely if someone mentions Last House on the Left there will be rape in this movie. But no rape and some violence in Nobody Can Cool.

All in all Nobody Can Cool is a good movie more of a thriller and not brutal at all, but I was entertained. I was actually just going to do a mini review of this, but I started rambling. Anyways Nobody Can Cool 7/10. It's entertaining, but is nothing like Reservoir Dogs or Last House on the Left.

The Return of Burt Gummer

I'm so excited to hear we've got a new Tremors movie on the way, with series regular Michael Gross returning as the survivalist hero Burt Gummer. He's a bad-ass to the highest degree, up there with Ash, Herbert West, and Reggie. I remember not being entirely thrilled with his final outing as Hiram Gummer in the prequel (part 4: The Legend Begins), so I'm glad they'll give him another go as the hero we all know and have grown to love over the course of 3 films and a tv show.

The Tremors show was great. Fuck them for canceling it!

Her Name Was Torment (2014)



And didn't she have just the perfect name. Oh dear horror fans, we have something very unique here. Those of you who like the taboo and disturbing might wanna stick around, cos Her Name Was Torment might just be your cup of tea. Though be aware that this isn't your usual type of film.

A nameless woman, known only as "Torment", is questioned by police on why she killed the men she did. Meanwhile, we see her 'tormenting' her victims. I'll leave it at that, as always, the less you know, the better.

This messed up, no budget-er, abstract short really took me by surprise. I didn't realise it was directed by Dustin Mills (the same director who made Kill That Bitch!), but I'm starting to form an appreciation for the man. His filming techniques are incredibly experimental, switching to black and white, changing the camera quality and style, little dialogue etc. This movie comes as a pleasant surprise to someone that has seen it all, with some lovely scenes of depravity and graphic violence thrown in.

This is not a linear story, more just a small idea for a movie done really well. This is a case of style over substance. But since this is not an overly long movie, it never over stays its welcome and keeps the viewer interested, or in my case, eyes glued to the very end. The cast is small and the story is overly simple, so what they do with their small budget, they do it well. The little dialogue that is used, is used effectively, with some chilling exchanges. According to imdb, the actress playing Torment is Allison Egan. You never see her face, but it is described as being grotesque with hideous scars. Egan gives one hell of a performance. Full frontal nudity, she goes all out. If you're not hooked listening to the chilling exchanges between her and the cops, then you will be watching the unwatchable torture scenes between her and her victim. Those of you who love graphic and disturbing violence really need to check this movie out. Lines are crossed. If this movie isn't banned in Oz yet, it no doubt will be soon.

Finally, I love how the ending almost sets itself up for a sequel. I was actually kinda disappointed that it ended so quickly, but best it ends on a strong note, then flogs a dead horse.
I wish I could say more, but this one is best experienced on your own.

8/10 for a unique viewing experience. I should have watched this for December, it would have been perfect. Do check it out if you are into the depraved and perverted.

NSFW trailer
https://vimeo.com/93028260

Thanks for reading.

He Took His Skin Off For Me

Der Tables has been Arrested

Yes, it's true. Our own precious @Der is behind bars, and the police were positive that I was drunk, but I proved them wrong with my very first breathalizer test. Just because a man slurs his words, seems incoherent, and shakes a lot does not mean he is drunk.

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The "Show a zombie movie to a 3-year-old" Award

Now that's raising a child to have good taste in flesh.