New Years

2015 is here now, and we still don't have hover boards!

I drank too much and nearly died last night, so I didn't make it till midnight, and I completely forgot about making any resolutions. Has anyone here made any New Years resolutions? Or did you all just watch New Years Evil and Terror Train?

Hausu (1977)

To put Hausu (House) into words has been my most daunting task to date, because nothing I type will justify the bizarreness of this spiralling descent into strange, epileptic, schizophrenic madness. Another review described it as ''Scooby Doo directed my Mario Bava,'' but that still makes it sound grounded and tame in comparison. However, try to imagine that description as a starting point for understanding Hausu. The characters are hyperactive and cartoonish, hence the Scooby Doo analogy, and the visuals are stunning, dreamlike and colorful just like Bava's, but that doesn't even begin to comprehend the piece of strange that is Hausa. If I had to compare it to anything then it would be Evil Dead 2. That's if Evil Dead 2 was dropping acid, eating magic mushrooms and taking epileptic fits as it happily bludgeoned its victims with pure unadulterated madness. Raimi's classic is a much more coherent affair than Hausu, and a much better movie altogether as it managed to successfully incorporate its madness into a structured, methodical assault on its protagonist. Hausu on the other hand has no qualms about drifting off into hysterical tangents and leading the viewer down all sorts of paths into unhinged, random insanity. And it's just wonderful. Oh so wonderful. This takes the haunted house subgenre to new heights, by using the most random objects you'd find in a home as weapons against its victims, while adding some additional kung-fu, floating heads biting butts and bears cooking noodles. The original story came from the mind of an 11 year old girl, which makes me question her mental stability, yet makes me so happy knowing there was a child out there whose imagination knew no bounds and eventually made it to our screens. Furthermore, Nobuhiko Obayashi displays such unique visual flair and avante garde sensibilities that this has probably become fapping material to people who live their lives in the arthouse. Granted, it does not possess the classy pretentiousness of David Lynch, but there's no denying that Obayashi is a master of the craft, and he's not afraid to be a little silly once in awhile.

The story revolves around Gorgeous who plans to spend summer with her father, only to discover that he has a new flame in his life who wants to be her new mommy. Angered, she writes her aunt who lives in the country to inform her that she'll be visiting her, along with some friends. The aunt is a hermit who lives in a mansion in an abandoned village, waiting for her dead lover to return from the war. However, the aunt isn't who she seems to be, and the house she lives in is haunted... and hungry. One by one, the girls begin to fall prey to the evil house through a series of occurrences that need to be seen to be believed, and even then you probably won't be able to grasp what you just saw. Hausu is without a doubt one of the weirdest and proudly deranged movies you'll ever see in your life, and it does so without ever being profane, sinister or vulgar. We see it all through the eyes of the most innocent, quirky characters you'll ever meet, in a setting akin to a fairytale, as one by one they are consumed by the house, spit out and toyed with through dizzying, spastic bursts of insanity.

Hausu has everything you haven't seen before - killer chandeliers, noodle bears, men arguing over watermelons and bananas, pianos eating people, severed fingers playing said piano as a skeleton dances and much more. It gleefully dismembers its victims and joyously drowns them in rivers of blood, yet somehow never seems mean spirited or horrific. Hausu is a fun movie and always cheerful in a way I've never seen before from a horror film. However, despite its good nature it still manages to feel maniacal and tormenting. It's balls to the walls, joyous insanity, and did I mention that there's a bear who cooks noodles? This was just a cut away scene randomly diverting from the main story. Almost as if they were throwing in the most random nonsense they could think of for the heck of it. There's also watermelons wearing hats and severed heads who like nibbling on the butt cheeks of teenage girls. Personally I can relate to that.

Hausu is probably the most original horror movie I've ever seen, and for that reason alone it's worth watching. It's as original as it is wonderful too, and a treasure that deserves to be uncovered by a wider audience. See this with friends and it'll be an experience nobody will ever be able to taint. Show it to your lover and let it become a benchmark in your relationship. Pump your kids full of narcotics, give them a pen and paper and see if they can come up with something just as wacky, because we need more insane movies like this. This is horror brewed in a witches cauldron and covered in the sugar of a child's imagination. Truly unique and outrageously enjoyable. Seek now.

9/10

Super Badass (1999)



There are thousands of new and old B-movies out there that often force the viewer to ask themselves "what could that director possibly have been thinking?" Well, Super Badass is definitely one of them. But aside from that, upon viewing, you'll most likely be asking yourself "what white trash underachiever got off the bottle long enough to conjure up something so unambitious, something so meaningless, something so lifeless?" Yet, at the same time, it's awfully nice to see something so shamelessly (and randomly) mean-spirited, and blatantly inept just stagger along with not a care in the world.

I guess you could say I actually kinda liked Super Badass. I'm not proud of that fact, but I just find it incredibly odd, mainly because I don't think I've ever seen anything so weird and surreal that wasn't of the Horror genre. Super Badass is more crime/action. But also a drug movie. But it's just so nonchalant how it's presented.Super Badass takes place in 1957 (I think) where "Mississippi loser" Super Badass leaves daddy's farm for the big city to become a bounty hunter, and to take hard drugs, but mostly to be a bounty hunter. Super Badass has many foes. Villains such as "The Boogeyman" (just a pathetic lack of originality there), and Bucko The Clown (not much better). Super Badass shoots some heroin, and some children get viciously murdered by the bad guys, while the parents are practically unphased by the sight of their children's graphic demise. But phased enough to pay off Super Badass to seek unorthadox vengeance. Subtle bits of humor like that keep me from hating this otherwise retarded piece of shit.

He's going somewhere with all of this, I just know it, and at least in Charles Cullen's mind, he has in fact accomplished what he was going for. This guy created a big bunch of nothing, and from what I heard on the DVD commentary, he sounds fairly pleased with himself, and why not? Super Badass, regardless of whatever the hell it is, is far more than most of us have done... alright, well, maybe not FAR more. I don't see myself purchasing any more weird bullshit from Cullen. I mean, I get the idea. however, I'm occasionally tempted to check out another movie he made called Killer Klowns From Kansas On Krack. If anyone ever gets curious and gives it a chance, let me know if it's a bigger piece of shit. I'll bet it's one of those that only sounds cool. I'd actually recommend Super Badass. But only to those who like weird movies which have absolutely no point. 4/10



#Review

OT remud DNA mud

This is a great sequel and I'm sure, like the original, it wil be enjoyed, but not as (much).

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp opens in 1977 at the aptly named Happy Day Bible Camp, where a group of horny teens who just want to have a good time are beautifully slaughtered by Sister Mary Chopper, who makes sure these sexed up miscreants pay for their pre-marital promiscuity and other sinful acts. 7 years later, a new group arrive at the camp, against the warning of the locals and one by one, they all fall pray (get it?) to Sister Mary's cleansing.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp is one of the most gleefully unapologetic forays into bad taste I've ever seen. This is a throwback to the years of slashers and sex comedies, so you know what to expect - blood, boobs, crude jokes and all out silliness. However, what makes Bloody Bloody Bible Camp so genius is what you don't expect. For example, there's a scene where a crucifix is rammed up the anus of a most unfortunate soul. It scared the bejesus out of me to be honest, but I laughed. Laughed I did at this religious iconography was used for sodomy. Shameless, hilarious depravity, and merely one of many over-the-top moments that make Bloody Bloody Bible Camp a MUST SEE!!!

The characters are all an exaggerated version of 80's stereotypes, and we get to see some boobs. The camp is high in this lot, young Skywalker's. They deliver some terrific lines and ensure that there's never a dull moment as we wait for their inevitable slaughter, and when the deaths do arrive... YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

I believe Marcus Koch worked on this picture, who is an FX hero among fans of underground horror due to his ability to create some of the finest gore in the history of cinema. Awesome kills coupled with a hilarious script and fitting performances make Bloody Bloody Bible Camp a holy treat for fans of 80's cheese. This has been made out of love of those movies of yesteryear. A popcorn movie made by fans for fans, so if you enjoy your slashers lowbrow, unhinged and campy, then go one step further and try one that's Bloody Bloody Bible Campy. I swear to Ron Jeremy you won't be disappointed.

Ron Jeremy plays Jesus by the way. That should sell it alone. Not to mention other genre legends Tim Sullivan (2001 Maniacs) and Reggie Bannister (Phantasm) also star, making this even more necessary to add to any respectable horror collection.

Where The Dead Go To Die

Let me start off with a brief synopsis of what this mindfuck is about. Not that it'll make any sense. A group of children living on the same block are haunted by a demonic dog named Labby, who takes them on wild rides through hellish dimensions and time periods. Each child's story is told through anthology segments, each one as fucked up as the other. In the first segment, the dog tells a little boy that a demon fetus is living inside his mother, and God has ordered them to kill it. This leads to the murder of the boys parents followed by bestiality in the name of the big man upstairs. The second segment is about a guy who can steal peoples memories when they're dying and insert them into his own mind, which is actually a really cool idea that the director should develop on in future. The third act is about a little boy trying to court a little girl who is being forced to star in pornographic films directed by her father.

Now you understand why I was so uneasy about watching this? The premise makes it sound like the most depraved movie of all time, created by an unhealthy mind, for the viewing pleasure/displeasure of sick freaks and masochists. It makes A Serbian Film look like Walt Disney. It might just be the most mean spirited and inherently evil piece of trash ever created in all forms of ''art.'' To be honest it probably is, and I can understand why people would be offended, but to me it was just too ridiculous and confusing to affect me like that. The animation really takes the sting out of it, plus some of the dialogue is quite clearly meant to be taken as dark comedy. The animation itself isn't exactly the quality of Pixar, but it works in its favor. The imagery is surreal, violent and nightmarish. Kinda like if David Lynch was directing a Splatterhouse video game. A nightmare is the best way to describe Where The Dead Go To Die, because despite the creepy visuals, it really makes no sense at all.

This is a sick film, but it had too much taboo breaking shock value to make it effective for me. That being said, it was a cinematic equivalent of a bizarre acid trip and I enjoyed it. The director Jimmy Screamerclauz has stated that he come up with most of his ideas under the influence of drugs and the movie has no intentions of making a point. It's essentially just a surreal, confusing experience that's so over-the-top it's hard to take seriously. I liked the animation style, but it didn't pack a punch at all. Screamerclauz has some great ideas in his twisted mind, and I feel if he worked on creating a consistent narrative he could really make some animated horror masterpieces.

You probably shouldn't watch this. I mean it is really messed up, but coming from a guy who doesn't enjoy Unearthed Films, this wasn't all that bad. I don't like extreme movies that exist purely to make people feel uncomfortable by degrading people, but I liked Where The Dead Go To Die for its absurdity. Don't watch if you're Christian.

7/10

The Ultimate Horror Timeline

Updated: I've been adding a lot to this timeline lately, and it now encompasses 60 franchises. Whoa!

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When you think of horror icons like Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers and so on, you always group them together because they're the most familiar slashers. Yet interestingly enough, you can also go as far as saying they all co-exist in the same universe, despite rarely appearing in films with each other, or at all. That's where the art of referencing comes into play, where you find little hints here and there to connect the movies, and while this is purely speculative, it's never denied (unless specifically noted).

The specific horror franchises in question are Halloween, Friday the 13th, The Evil Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, and Hatchet. It seems like a lot to include, but the most clearly connected of these are Freddy, Jason, and the Evil Dead.

All three series are linked by Jason Goes To Hell. This film includes the Necronomicon and the Kandarian dagger from the Evil Dead films, as well as Freddy's glove pulling Jason's mask into hell. This was due to New Line (who owns the rights to the Elm Street series) obtaining the rights to the Friday the 13th series at the time. Furthermore, New Line previously had distribution rights to The Evil Dead, though the props were most likely used simply as easter eggs, yet it leads to an almost canon fan speculation of the connections of each series, and ultimately spawned the un-used film treatment for "Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash", which resulted in a comic.

The others are connected through Behind The Mask, which treats Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers as real characters with real histories, and even takes a brief tour through the appropriate settings of these franchises. Furthermore, Leslie Vernon is referenced in Hatchet II, connecting it to that franchise as well (along with the Adam Green film "Frozen", which is also directly referenced in Hatchet II). Through Leslie Vernon, all of these film series are connected, or at least implicated with one another.

It isn't an unlikely concept, considering five of six franchises include magic and supernatural elements. The Evil Dead franchise utilizes the supernatural most obviously with the Necronomicon ex-mortis, aka the Book of the Dead. The Elm Street seres utilizes supernatural via the dream demons Freddy Krueger acquired in the flashback scenes of Freddy's Dead that explain his power over dreams. The Friday the 13th series didn't involve any aspects of the supernatural until Part 6 when Jason became undead, but it was most prominent with its supernatural influences by Jason Goes to Hell when the whole plot revolved around Jason's body-jumping abilities and the tie to his bloodline. As of Halloween 6, the franchise inherently involves the supernatural through the curse of Thorn. Hatchet II included supernatural elements regarding the condition of Victor Crowley as an undead character whose soul wanders the bayou.

The horror-verse goes on...

Several years ago, I arranged a chronological timeline for the fictional events that occur within in several of our heroic horror franchises. View the Horror, Film, and Franchise Timeline https://junkepics.com/calendar/timeline/ , covering nearly 60 franchises.

#Horror #List #Slasher #Timeline

Terrorism and The Interview

I happen to love Seth Rogen and James Franco. However, I agree that the film was probably a terrible idea in the first place.

If anyone doesn't know what I'm talking about... North Korea threatened to bomb movie theaters in USA if "The Interview" got a theatrical release. The theatrical release has been canceled, as well as VOD and DVD releases.

I work at a movie theater, so I'm glad I wont get bombed... but I wish I could've seen the movie still. And I hope they don't bomb us when some asshole decides to leak the film anyway...

Thoughts about this whole mess?

#News

The Passions of Carol (1975)

(Note: This review is not entirely finished. I'll be back to edit and add markups and piccies. Just wanted to churn this out to give y'all some trashy festive reading material. Enjoy!)

You better not shout. You better not cry. You better not pout and I'm telling you why: Because a Christmas porno review is cumming to Trash Epics! Put on your Santa hat, pull a few crackers, ram a candy cane up your arse, hang some mistletoe above your crotch and settle in for some seasonal cheer with extra stuffing!

The Passions of Carol is a porno version of A Christmas Carol. It does for the classic Dickens tale what The Passion of the Christ did for the Bible. Kind of. Our main character, Carol Scrooge, runs a girly porn mag. She's mean, she's stuffy and, keeping with tradition, she says "Bah humbug" quite a lot. We're introduced to her when she's berating her editor, Bob Hatchet, for incorporating too many limp dicks in the latest photoshoot. I'm on her side at this point. I mean, limp dicks are handy for pissing with, but useless for anything else. And they're certainly not worth purchasing a magazine to look at. I know how A Christmas Carol goes, and frankly, if Hatchet can't give Scrooge some hard-on, then his crippled kid deserves to starve. Luckily, Scrooge pulls through this boner famine emergency by performing cock-to-mouth resuscitation on a penis model. It was a close call.

The story plays out in the usual style. Marley arrives bound in chains, explains the redemption dealio and then Ms Scrooge throats some ghostly prick for a few minutes. I personally can't recall Alastair Sim fellating anyone, but then again my memory's rubbish. The Ghost of Christmas Past takes her back to the time when she blackmailed 2 college friends into a threesome where she's fucked with a doll's arm. The Ghost of Christmas Present shows her the Hatchet family enjoying their simple pauper pleasures. Finally, The Ghost of Christmas To Come arrives - a Grim Reaper figure who takes her on a tour of dingy porn theatres and street-walking hooker circuits, leading to the expected epiphanal twist.

In many ways, it's exactly what you'd expect a porno Christmas Carol to be. Our Scrooge here may be a stuck-up cunt, but she's certainly not very Scrooge-like with her punani. Needless to say, those looking for a faithful adaptation would be better of sticking with the 1951 version.

But for fans of the genre, this movie plays against type in some interesting ways. For starters, you have Jamie Gillis in the humble everyman Cratchit role. Even at this early stage of his career, Gillis had developed a reputation for playing rapists and sleazeballs. In '75 alone, he played debauched libertines in The Defiance of Good, The Story of Joanna, Oriental Blue and the gay S&M-themed Boy 'Napped, among others. Yet here he's the meek, loving niceguy. The coupling between him and his character's wife is among the most romantic sexual escapades of '70s porn. He's convincing enough that it almost makes me think that, deep down, beneath the sleazy exterior, he may possibly have been a big ol' teddy-bear sweetheart. Then I remember Walking Toilet Bowl and realise he's just a dirty pervert who puts on a good act.

Perhaps even more strange is that this light-hearted morality tale is written and directed by Shaun Costello. Costello has achieved infamy for roughie gems like Forced Entry, Water Power and Daughters of Discipline. So how did this slice of sweetness end up in his filmography? For me it fits because I think he's always had a wicked sense of humour. Forced Entry may be as grimy and gritty as porno comes, but I can't help thinking of it as a dark joke on the porno audience. I picture Costello laughing his ass off at the thought of the raincoat brigade storming out of the theatre with frowning faces and drooping boners, after being confronted with Vietnam War atrocity footage spliced into money shots. The Passions of Carol and its gleeful defiling of a childrens classic suits his persona.

As well as the humour, another Costello trademark out in force here is his use of music. A fine selection of Christmas carols accompanies the peen-in-beav action, but even more audacious is his unauthorised usage of Tubular Bells. Best known as the Exorcist theme tune, it works surprisingly well here. Once we're past the creepy intro and Mike Oldfield starts to get his groove on, the pounding bassline complements the pounding of pelvises quite delightfully.

Of course, some will say that this movie is revolting filth and it misses the true meaning of Christmas. They'd prefer to watch Miracle on 34th Street or It's a Wonderful Life or that one where Dudley fucking Moore dresses up in a fucking elf costume. But in order to apply a "true meaning" to Christmas, we first have to know what the hell Christmas is. Ostensibly about the birth of Christ, its origins date back centuries earlier to the pagan god of light, Mithra, who was celebrated via a week-long feast in the solstice of winter. When Mithraism was brought into Europe, Romans adopted the party tradition to hallow their own sun-god Saturn in the festival known as Saturnalia, which took part on and around December 25th. Festivities involved gift-giving and stuffing your face with food until you couldn't move. Sound familiar? Eventually, in the 4th century AD, Mithraism was eliminated politically and its worshippers eliminated physically by Christian armies.

What does this mean? It means that Christmas exists because Christianity co-opted previously existing traditions by slaughtering all those who practised it in the name of another God. It means that the true meaning of Christmas is... that there is no meaning, neither true nor false. Christmas is whatever the hell you want it to be. Most importantly, it means that this sacred celebration is entirely deserving of a good hard porno rogering.

So I say to Hell with Jesus. Bah humbug to Santa and presents. Fuck all 12 reindeer right in their stupid reindeer asses and spunk a fat jizzload of Christmas spirit all over Rudolph's shiny red nose. There's no more or less appropriate way to celebrate Christmas than by watching Christmas porn. The Passions of Carol ain't anything spectacular, but it did the trick for me.

Thanks for reading and Merry Fucking Christmas!


#Christmas #Jamiegillis #Porn #Shauncostello

Video Games

Trash Epics is making games now. Using the free Unity 3D game engine, @Ren and @Der will be plotting some video games you can play here on the site, for free.

The long fabled Hobo with a Fence RPG will finally exist: a game where you play as a customizable hobo in a 3D physics-based world, fighting monsters, drinking and doing drugs, banging hookers, and getting AIDS.

Anyone interested?

#Game #News