Longlegs (2024)

The hype was big for this one. Directed by Anthony Perkins' son Oz, the movie is about an FBI agent who investigates a satanic serial killer. I think the movie is set in the 80s or 90s. It's one of those ominous slow-burners where you don't really know wtf is going on until it finally starts coming together at the end. I went in blindly and I wont say much else about the plot, but Satanic stuff is generally pretty unsettling, and this movie had a few creepy moments.

Maika Monroe is our lead, either psychic or "highly intuitive" as she pieces this cold case together. She had a great run in 2014 with The Guest and It Follows, and now another decent genre piece 10 years later. Good for her.

Nic Cage plays "Longlegs", and in typical Cage fashion, he hams it up HARD. He doesn't actually have a lot of scenes, which is probably for the best. Too much Nic Cage can drive a man insane. Look at Nic Cage, for example. He's had to live with himself for 60 years, and he's obviously gone completely insane because of it.

I wont say it was the best, but it was a solid effort.

#Review

Straw Dogs (2011)

I avoided this one for a while because I was annoyed at the remake trend. I think the 1971 film with Dustin Hoffman is one of his best. A pretty tense flick about locals hassling a timid guy and his hot wife on a retreat. 40 years later, they decided to remake it. It is based on a novel afterall, so it's more like a new adaptation rather than being a remake, right?

The newer version follows the same beats of the original. Dead cats, retards, home invasion, etc. It changes the setting from some English town to somewhere in the US south, but the rest is the same. This isn't really a problem though, because the cast is pretty good.

James Marsden plays our beta male writer, and his wife is Kate Bosworth. The local hillbillies eyeball her a lot, she teases them to get back at her timid husband, and things escalate.

Alexander Skarsgard is the main one of that group, and he's a cool mofo. You know he's up to something, but every time they confront him about it, he's all apologetic and "sincere". And then you have James Woods as a crazy drunk! And a small appearance by Walton Goggins? This movie is shaping up pretty nicely...


What's a bit hard to swallow is James Marsden being a wimpy chump. We all know he played Cyclops, and Cyclops banged Famke Jansen's Jean Grey. That means he's an alpha male all the way. I was watching Goldeneye the other day, and she plays the sex-crazed villain who tries to crush Bond with her legs all the time. I would let her sex/murder me anytime.

Fortunately near the end, ol' Cyclops remembers that he's alpha and starts kicking some ass. Overall pretty decent.

#Review

What Are You Listening To Right Now? (VOLUME 5)

James bond thread

ddChr For all things related

To refresh myself I'm gonna watch them all in order

6/10 Dr No (1962) - Connery the big wuss, you can see plainly with the trantula scene its not crawling on him, but a plate of glass. Bond gets his comrade killed by having the bright idea of attacking a tank with a couple of hand pistols. It was night, they could of just hid in the dark. He saves the day by causing a nuclear meltdown. I'm sure the people of Jamaica applauded him on the way out, thank you for irradiating the islands. Still whilst nothing special ok opening, What they got right was the theme tune & the opening credits.
Ursula Andress 8/10
Dr No 3/10 oh no his metal hands were his downfall, useful for crushing cans though

6/10 From Russia with Love (1963) - Pretty boring and was gonna rate it 6/10 but the boat stunt scene brought it up a point. Bond was actually pretty incompetent throughtout most of the film, something that got removed later on in the series. Actually decided nah 6/10 is more honest
Daniela Bianchi 8/10
Grant 6/10 bested James but no real personality, I love the pre 1970s male strongmans body, which consits of someone with no real muscles just holding in their stomach and puffing out their chest

7/10 Goldfinger (1964) - The first film to really show gadgets & a decent car. Btw Goldfinger had the most obvious earpiece when he was playing that cargame, how did he explain that away. The last 30 mins didn't make sense at all, pure stupidity, Sure its a film thus don't overthink but it was stretching the bounds of implausibility.
Shirley Eaton 8/10, Tania Mallet 7/10 Honor Blackman 7/10
Oddjob 8/10 Goldfinger 9/10 (Obviously the inspiration for hogans heroes)

6/10 Thunderball (1965) - I'm not sure you could land a plane on water like that, so much that could of gone wrong just land it on the very close island. The dubbing was done well, I assume they spoke in english. Very nice underwater fight. For all their wealth & power you'ld think Spectre would just make their own bomb. At over 2 hours its too long. The fast forward footage at the end is like WTF. also what about the other dude that escaped from the boat they just left him in the ocean.
Claudine Auger 7/10 Luciana Paluzzi 6/10
Emilio Largo 7/10

5/10 You Only Live Twice (1967) - For a minute there I thought he done his own stunt but rewinding I see what happened. A couple of very abrupt scene changes also a lot of bad writing in this.
Scores very high on the racist & sexist scale. I was embarassed watching bond when they tried to disguise him as a japanese man, nearly as bad as when john wayne portrayed gengis khan. Bond was meant to have all his chest hair etc shaved but hes as hairy as ever later on when he removes his shirt.
Karin Dor 6/10 Akiko Wakabayashi 6/10 Mie Hama 5/10
Donald Pleasance 7/10

6/10 On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969) - They often have inappropriate noises, a fav are bullets richochetting off metal in the woods or car wheels squealing like they're doing burnouts on a road, but they're on grass, here the burn outs are happening on a sand beach. Oddly the aussie actor sorta looks like an ozzie mate of mine, wearing same clothes also, I'll have to ask him if it was an influence, the actors wasn't that bad. pretty weak and fill of filler and not really a bond film as theres a genuine love interest. FFS we don't want 'grown up' stories, bond is all about trashy BS. pretty lame effort saved by the ending and the cablecar scene.
Diana Rigg 8/10
Telly Savalas 8/10 pains me to say but better than pleasance

7/10 Diamonds are Forever (1971) 120m - The two guys walking off holding hands was a nice touch. Putter Smith looks like some guy in a 70s rock band but I forget who. Nice scene at the end with the oil rig, but you have to think leaving bond to get buried in the pipe was foolhardy, I've never done the job but I know how workmen are they would of noticed and don't work that quick.
Jill St. John 7/10
Mr Kidd & Mr Wint 8/10
Charles Gray 7/10 - No idea why he was in 2 films as 2 different characters

5/10 Live and Let Die (1973) 121m - I was going hell he nearly looks nearly as old as Connery but then ppl looked older back then so couldn't they of picked an even younger actor but Moore was actually 3 years older than Connery. Ha the walking along the back of the crocs, I remember seeing this in oz with my mate in a caravan 96 or someit. Not a good opener for Moore though
Jane Seymour 10/10
Yaphet Kotto 7/10

7/10 The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) 125m - Opens much better than the last film, moore never raised his eyebrows in that one, here hes hamming it up near straight away. Fuck Macau casinos were a lot different back then. Miss Chew me thats one of the top 5 girl names. Bond does the stupidiest thing possible, hes in disguise as scarmanga so he goes and talks to Hai Fat and saiz do you know james bond? No, well he's going to kill you. FFS bond do you not think Hai Fat is not gonna try & find out what bond looks like. Still don't understand why they drove off and left bond there (never explained). Fuck this is the film where they really upped the comedy. J.W wouldn't be in a mainstream film today with his brown pointyheads remarks. Thai wine called Fooyuck. The whole thing is stupid when you think about it, a south american midget and a blond swedish girl trying to blend in in thailand. thats gotta be the best car jump I've seen, yep looked on youtube for best car stunt and it was the 3rd hit but actually first cause the other 2 were top 10 collections. From googling a lot of ppl hate the stunt cause they put a cartoon sound on during the film ruining it but to me this just shows they finally realized that bond was just a cartoon spy.
Maud Adams 7/10 Britt Ekland 9/10
Christopher Lee 8/10

6/10 The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) 125m - You'll gotta wonder if bond doesnt get too hot wandering around in all these hot places with no aircon in his 3 piece suit but he really sweats must be all that Holy fuck Bond is the ultimate chauvinistic cunt, he just shagged a 10/10 for the first time then next day he's chatting up a 7/10 right in front of her. Unlike the last film which didn't really feature a save the world plot, thhis features it front and center, more standard bond fare. Some of the minature models they made must of been quite large. Every evil villian has a bottle of chilled don perignon on ice in their escape pleasure craft.
Barbara Bach 8/10
Curd Jürgens 7/10

7/10 Moonraker (1979) 126m - You can tell the writers had fun with this film, so many one liners. You've gotta go yep they really don't give a shit for reality now its just pure entertainment. Now of course the Mandala effect is complete BS but I remember thinking about moonraker many years ago, I remember one thing in that film and thats when the girl met jaws for the first time and she smiled and she had braces on. The lazer battle in space was pretty embararssing stoopid I've gotta say.
Michael Lonsdale 9/10 Prolly the most heartless evil baddie in the series and the actor played it completely straight
Lois Chiles 6/10
Corinne Cléry 6/10

6/10For Your Eyes Only (1981) 126m - I should of done a list of every time they added an unnecessary soundfx in, Moonraker had a couple also there was one in that film when something happened and a cartoon soundfx happened, which would not of been out of place in a tom and jerry cartoon. Anyways here bonds helicopter is going down like its gonna crash and the sound fx is the one they always use in WW2 films when the enemie planes (esp kamikazi) are doing theur divebomb. 2/3 rds of the film was pretty crap, improved in the last 3rd though. Loved dennis thatcher pissed at the end of the film, actually the whole part with Maggie is like, They didn't did they. FFS Ha Ha Brilliant
Julian Glover 6/10
Carole Bouquet 7/10

7/10 Octopussy (1983) 131m -Did they really need the Tarzan Yell when Bond was swinging on the vines, yes, Yes of course they did. Hes starting to look really old now though. No idea why but james shooting the knob off the railing is burnt into my brain from childhood.
Louis Jourdan 6/10
Maud Adams 6/10
Kristina Wayborn 7/10

7/10 A View to a Kill (1985) 131m - I always liked that avengers guy, works well with James as well. The mission in this one seems a bit tame, let some venture captialist take money from other venture capitalists. Funny thing is nowadays it happened >90% of chips made are not made in Silicon Valley hell they're not even made in the States. Yes one way to keep a low profile is to steal a firetruck under the cops noses. The 80s gave us heaps of shit music but this theme tune is prolly the best bond theme. Sure you have inflation but its not that much (ok just checked 192% from 1985 to 2024) but back then $100 Million was a massive amount nowadays with todays billionares they'ld have to make it at least $10 billion for them to get out of bed. Aka shows up the wealth transfer from poor & middle classes and even the lower rich to the uber rich that started with reaganomics. Tempted to deduct a point cause mayday never got knock out on the jigger with a cartoon, donk noise.
Christopher Walken 5/10
Tanya Roberts 8/10
Grace Jones 10/10

6/10 The Living Daylights (1987) 130m - Dalton just seems depressed, the sad git. Way too serious. I'm still not sure what they were doing in Gibraltor, it didn't really have much to do with the story, to kill ))X so james would do their job, hmmm doesnt really work out, also pretty lame Villian and baddie plan, we want moonraker, destroy the world things not some minor pifle. Funny here like Rambo 2 or 3 the mahujaredin are the good guys cause they're fighting the ruskies, this will change in a couple of decades. Just a single girl, pah james whats up.
Maryam d'Abo 8/10
Jeroen Krabbé 5/10

6/10 Licence to Kill (1989) 133m - Starts off with a dude in his 60s getting married to someone in their 30s. Whats this nonsense with Bond getting envolved with local cop stuff, whats this meant to be, a detective TV show. Fakest looking maggots I ever saw, embarassingly so. Whats the matter James didn't want to touch real ones? Bond was a bit lame in this one. No humour as well, just a couple of one liners. The destruction of the factory was well done though I'll give them that, I guess thats where most of the budget went
Robert Davi 6/10
Carey Lowell 7/10
Talisa Soto 6/10

7/10 Goldeneye (1995) 130m - Opens up with the most rediculous stunt scene in film history. Near zero comedy now unfortunately, but the story is good we're back to a real story and not some miami vice BS. Actually its not just the initial plane stunt thats cartoonish rediculous but near the whole film. Still its entertaining
Sean Bean 5/10
Izabella Scorupco 8/10
Famke Janssen 4/10

6/10 Tommorrow never dies (1997) 119m - Fuck bond speaks some scheisse german. I wonder who they modelled Elliott Carver after, some ozzie git I assume though the suicide on the boat could imply that fat english prick maxwell. In some ways this was one of the smartest Bond stories, OK theres a lot of shit in it but still it was pretty decent
Michelle Yeoh 5/10
Teri Hatcher 4/10
Jonathan Pryce 8/10

5/10 The World Is Not Enough (1999) 128m - The little boat was quite lame. One of the most unbelievable Bonds what with Denise Richards being a Scientist. Has perhaps the dumbest line in any bond film, hes got a bullet lodging in his brain thus he's getting stronger by the day! Excuse me how the fuck does that even make sense, sure it does in superhero films (then again bond is practically a superhero now, with all his unbelievable stunts he left planet reality after about the first 3 films). A lot of the 'babes' are french, I would hazard a guess most popular country (alongside UK). Upgraded my rating from 4/10 (saw it last ~15 years ago)
Robert Carlyle 5/10
Sophie Marceau 5/10
Denise Richards 8/10

5/10 Die Another Day (2002) 133m - Yeah OK invisible car, now we're just getting stopid (surprised they havent done this before TBH) I wonder if they could do something like this in 10 years time (brightness will be a factor so maybe doesnt work outdoors) all they need is some screens that are like material. The baddie played the cunt well, the thing is now he would of been modelled after Elon (if elon existed back then), but the thing is in these films you have the baddy tycoon who's really smart, hack PCs in a second, improvise a bomb for a safety pin etc etc but not only that brain stuff they are also in the top 0.0001% of fighters on the planet. Its like all the henchmen (the guys that are truly trained for the role are crap) but wait until you fight the real boss. Imagaine that IRL, you beat up Elons 10 bodyguards no sweat and then you face Elon & he kicks your ass, laughable
Halle Berry 7/10
Rosamund Pike 8/10
Toby Stephens 8/10
Rick Yune 6/10

5/10 Casino Royale (2006) 144m - Aint that Richard Branson, Still he looked better than the Madonna cameo in the last film, fuck she looked old! and that film was like 20 years ago to boot. Its not as bad as I remember but its still not a good film, a major problem is Craig just vibes like a wimp, yes he hit the Gym before filming but it feels fake. his face also doesn't help, he's not good looking enough, looks too effeminate. What is this disgrace, I don't want to see Bond in the shower with a woman unless hes shagging her. I did upgrade my rating from the initial by a point but its still an insult to the franchise, Fuck fleming
Caterina Murino 5/10
Eva Green 8/10
Mads Mikkelsen 8/10

5/10 Quantum of Solace (2008) 106m - Carries on the story from the last film. Not sure I approve esp since the story ain't really bond like, the baddie is esp lame, but he fought well against Bond, better than the trained professionals :). I do recognize the building at the end, from the chile observatory (OK just looked up yes it is, surprised its only 2400m high. Yes I know theres the 2nd driest part of world outside antartica) but they have far higher mountains >5000m nearby I think so why there?, maybe air is very still or easier to access. OK just checked theres mountains >6000m on the border with argentina.
Olga Kurylenko 9/10
Gemma Arterton 4/10
Mathieu Amalric 3/10


4/10 Skyfall (2012) 143m Javier hamming it up to the max. Wait bond had to go all macguyver since he didn't think to pick up any weapons, yeah right. Pretty lame story
Naomie Harris 6/10
Javier Bardem 6/10


4/10 Spectre (2015) 148m - Christoph was as lame as Lea was very nice, the story was enterily forgetable, IIRC it took place on an island
Monica Bellucci 4/10

Léa Seydoux 9/10

Christoph Waltz 3/10


7/10 No Time to Die (2021) 163m - After the junk of the last few films, finally a good entry

Rami Malek 7/10
Ana de Armas 8/10

Help a young lady in big trouble?

You guys, I'm sorry, I try to never do this type of thing here. But, I follow this poor girl on Twitter, and I feel bad for her. She goes by the name Cassie the Friendly Ghost on Twitter, I believe that she is a real person. She is almost flat broke, she lives in her car, with two dogs. She is trying to survive a prolonged heat wave in Sacramento, where it has often been around 100-110 degrees, which is over 40 for all you international Celsius people. The next few days are supposed to be terrifyingly hot where she lives. She barely has enough money to run the air conditioning in her car.

She is an artist, she makes girly pink sparkly crafty things, and she has compiled a cookbook too. She seems like a nice kid... wow, she is autistic, I don't think I knew that.

Anyway, if anybody here could find a few bucks to buy something from her online store for any girl or female in your life (daughter, girlfriend, mother, neglected cousin, neighbor, whatever), it sounds like you literally might be saving her life. She is just about flat broke, apparently, and she just sounds so scared and miserable.

Here are her pages.... do whatever you can, I guess!
https://ctrlaltcassie.com/shop
https://www.patreon.com/ctrlaltcassie
https://x.com/ctrlaltcassie

The "Different Genre Every Week" Challenge 2024 - RESULTS

Another month, another challenge to keep us all watching as many movies as possible. This time, the idea is to watch as many movies (or TV shows if you can fit it in) of that respective genre during a week and add up the cumulative total at the end (they can also be scored individually as mini-challenges if you don't wish to compete in all of them).

1 point per minute watched, as usual.

Genres must be "tagged" on IMDb or any of the major movie databases.

Here are the dates to put in your diaries:

War challenge: Saturday 1st June @ 00:00 until Friday 7th @ 23:59


Western challenge: Saturday 8th June @ 00:00 until Friday 14th @ 23:59


Comedy challenge: Saturday 15th June @ 00:00 until Friday 21st @ 23:59


Action challenge: Saturday 22nd July @ 00:00 until Sunday 30th @ 23:59


So don't be a pussy and grab a spot below!

Hard Target (1993)

Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo play a couple of a rich assholes who like to hunt the homeless. They promise them a fat wad of cash, give them a head-start and a safe-zone destination, and off they run... The game goes well for a while, until they make one big mistake. They go after...

Jean-Claude Van Damme. And he has a mullet!

So some damsel in distress comes along and ropes a very capable drifter (JCVD) into an investigation on her father's death, and things kinda work their way to a bunch of great action scenes with loads of explosions and high kicks to the face.

Seriously, he uses gasoline to explode a lot of stuff. He's also a bit of a dick, like when he kills Sven-Ole Thorsen's henchman character.

And no, that isn't a spoiler, because Sven dies in just about every movie he's in. He rules.

So, JCVD shoots him a bunch in the torso. He's a goner for sure, but he still deserves one good kick in the face, right? And for no reason really. JCVD made this one kinda personal, huh?

What a cheesefest sometimes. JCVD is almost superhuman in this. Wilford Brimley uses a bow and arrow. Lance Henriksen has a prominent role and is properly utilized. Ted Raimi cameos.

The hunting concept is actually a bit unnerving at times. A competently made action flick with a blob of macho cheese added. If you're anything like me (and I really hope you aren't), then you'll eat all that cheese and asks for more. Part 2, coming up...

#Review

Movies about the Occult/witchcraft.

I need a few fairly obscure, low budget movies with themes of witchcraft or the Occult if anybody can think of any? Preferably made within the last 20-25 years or so...

RELIGION RANT

to not despoil the main thread

- Zed I once done somsething

The Coffee Table (2022) - A Non-review

Hey cunts! Just thought I'd recommend this rather glorious newish flick. Is it trashy? Kinda. I mean, it's from Spain and arguably anything that comes out of that country is a bit trashy.

Thing is, I don't wanna write a review, because you genuinely should go into this knowing nothing about it. So I'm not gonna tell you anything about it. I guess if I were to give a hint, it's kinda like early Coen Brothers crossed with Ari Aster. Sounds like a fun time, right?

"But Ninja", I hear you thinking, "what the fucking pissfuck is the point of a fucking non-review that doesn't tell us a single fucking thing about the cunting movie? Why the fuck should we watch this fucking thing? Are you clinically retarded, you cuntfaced shitcunt?". Admit it, those were the exact words that went through your head.

The thing is, this movie is more than just what it's about. It's a litmus test of what kind of human being you are. If you're a decent upstanding individual with a strong moral compass, then The Coffee Table is a strong, intense horror/thriller and well worth watching. But if you're a morally reprehensible piece of shit like I am and, let's be honest, you all are, then it's so much more than that and might be the funniest movie made in quite a while. Ya know that feeling where you laugh at something and then realise that laughing at that thing makes you a vile person, which makes you laugh even harder? This movie is chock-full of that.

So give it a shot. Laugh your fucking arse off. And join me in the wonderful self-realisation that you're an absolutely revolting piece of shit. It's a mighty fine feeling.