AVGN: The Movie

I've been following James Rolfe's work for years now. To most people, he's The Angry Video Game Nerd, but to me, he's more than that. He's an inspiration. He reviews shitty old games for a living, but he also knows film, and has a true passion for what he does. He wouldn't have become such a legend if his heart wasn't in the right place.

Over the years, he's always teased us with a review for the alleged worst game of all time: Atari's E.T. However, he would take it up a notch and not do a mere review, but an entire movie based on the mystery of this turkey, taking the premise of his debut feature into the Atari landfill territory. This bases our film on actual facts, whereas several Atari games where in fact buried in a landfill in New Mexico. Read about it on Wikipedia if you don't believe me, because Wikipedia always tells the truth... right?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atari_video_game_burial

---

This is the basis for our film's premise. The Nerd (as he is so named in the film) reviews bad video games for a living, and people love his obscene rants that pick apart all the flaws of said games. An evil video game company named Cockburn decides to cash-in on the statistics of how people play games that they hate, and decide to make a sequel to the worst game ever. They want to make "EeeTee 2", and market it as being even worse than the original, because bad is the new good.

With this, the Nerd is pressured into reviewing EeeTee (spelled differently due to copyright reasons, I'm guessing), though the mere thought makes him spout off more obscene remarks. And vomit. With much reluctance, The Nerd is swayed into the idea by his sidekick/protege, as well as a Cockburn employee posing as a female nerd, hoping to further Cockburn's "EeeTee 2" marketing campaign. The Nerd uses this as an opportunity to debunk the myth about the landfill, and spare all of his die-hard fans away from the horrid game that awaits them. However, the situation continues to complicate itself with the addition of military conspiracies, robots, aliens, and of course... video games.

Fans of James Rolfe's videos are guaranteed a good time with this movie. The jokes are funny, the film never takes itself too seriously, and all of the nerd's influences are represented, ranging from Atari, horror movies, bad movies, Troma, Godzilla movies, and even some slapstick. The special effects also stand out, as many of them are practical, utilizing a lot of miniatures. There is plenty of green screen and CGI, but what can you ask for in a movie about video games? Realism? I have no gripes with any of it.

The film likes to poke fun at its low-budget nature and exploit it for all its worth. "Even my dreams are low budget". But with low budget comes the passion that most Hollywood films will never achieve. Low budget forces you to get your vision out at all costs, and put your love, sweat, tears, and jizz into whatever you're doing. The Angry Video Game Nerd is a true trash epic, if there ever was one. The only flaw however... was a significant lack of Motherfucker Mike Matei.

#Review

Merry Little Christmas (2010)

For those of you who have 20 minutes to spend, why not spend them here, watching this short clip. With a title like 'Merry Little Christmas' it can't be that bad, right? Wrong. It's chock filled with brutal violence, rape and mutilations. Guaranteed to disturb you. Go on, watch it. But be warned, you'll be needing a shower afterwards....



Enjoy....

#DomesticAbuse #Extreme #Rape #Short

Welcome!

Here we can talk all things comics. I originally intended this zone just to be for comicbook movies, but why? There are so many trashy and epicy comics and graphic novels - and creators! - that it seemed far too narrow in scope to just make it be about the movies.

To start us off, though, here's a little introduction...

When I was younger, probably about seven or eight•, a chance encounter at the local newsagents led me to a near 30-year (off & on) love affair with comic books. It was on that fateful day (most likely a Saturday afternoon), that I bought (with my well earned 50p — for such I guess the thing cost) The Incredible Hulk 297.



Now, I knew all about the Hulk — as a boy that knowledge just seemed to be inherently in my psychological makeup (alongside the ability to make cool machine-gun noises, turn an innocent stick into any number of melee and projectile weapons, and the certainty that ninjas were in fact the best possible career option for a growing lad, and that Optimus Prime was the fucking man••!)


Goddammit Hot Rod, you Judd Nelson sounding asshole! Sorry guys, but some scars never heal...

But I was never a huge fan — being more of a Star Warser, Transformerser, G.I. Joer (though they were known as the multi-national Action Force in the UK), and He-Manner. Action Figures (they were not dolls, goddamit!) being more my bag than comics. Hmmm, I digress...

Anyway, I bought the aforementioned comic, and read it. And re-read it. Re-re-read it, re-re-re-read it, and then read it again. It blew my mind. As an aside, if you ever get the chance to read it, go ahead. It's a mind fuck par excellence when taken completely out of context of the longer story line, particularly when I had no knowledge of S.H.I.E.L.D. or Gabe Jones, or Dr Strange. It was set in what appeared to be a post-apocalyptic waste-land (where the not-so-jolly green giant was the cause of said end of times), and in a moment of post-rage fatigue, the Hulkster has what can only be described as a fucking disturbingly surreal dream sequence•••.



Where is this all going? I hear you ask. You are asking that, aren't you? Jono waits impatiently for nods and other signs of agreement.

Well, it'll be going to movies a little bit later, but I'm holding forth, right now.

To sum up the rest of the back-story. I was bitten, not by a radioactive spider, but by the comic-book bug. I was hooked, and through the rest of the '˜80s to the mid '˜90s I could be found, like as not, down the local comic book shop (of which there was precisely...one, in Newcastle••••). Sometime around 1996, probably, I got sick of the business — the new stories were mostly crap, the art was crap, there was more interest in the merchandising (Dolls? Who wanted dolls? Why would anyone collect dolls?), and collectible die-cut-holographic-luminous-gatefold-glow-in-the-dark-poly-bagged-collectors' edition first issues (printed in their millions so as to remain worthless). I still re-read the old classics that I'd acquired, but the new stuff — pah••••••!



Then, about ten years later, I downloaded a whole swag of comics that I used to own (only a select few made the migration with me), and it re-kindled some of the love. And some of the newer stories caught my attention, and I've retained more than a passing interest ever since. I love finding out what my old favourites are up to now — even when they've taken a ticket to Dorkville — and here Wikipedia and TVTropes are very much my friends, as I can pick and choose which stories I actually consider wasting my time on.

Anyway, on to the movies.


Cimenatic, ain't it!

Comics and sequential art are inherently visual media, and the comic book experience can often be very cinematic in scope, so it seems logical that so many characters would make that brave leap from the panel to the silver screen. That so many have tried, and been found wanting is, perhaps, more surprising. With a few notable exceptions, it has only been in the last decade or so that comic book adaptations have really gripped the imaginations of the wider public.

Why is that? Maybe it's the advances of technology that allow us to see more '˜believable' CGI characters — let's face it, a comicbook-like Hulk would be nigh impossible to achieve without it.



Or maybe it's the fact that the studios have hired the right (or at least better...) people for the job — A-list actors, A-list directors, and screenwriters who seem to have the ability to create sympathetic characters, and tell a compelling story.



Maybe it's because the '˜big two' have decided to take creative control of their properties — and are tying them together in the shared universes that we know and love. From this perspective, at least, deals involving Warner Bros and Disney don't look too shabby...

Of course, it's a combination of those factors (and many more besides), and of course, it's not as simple as saying back then they were rubbish, and now they're gold. There have been stinkers and gems across all the decades of comic book movies. Also, not all comic books and comic book movies are based on Marvel or DC characters, they're not all about superheroes, and they're not all American. But, I think it's fair to say that The Dark Knight Trilogy and the Avengers Phase I & II movies have moved comic book movies into a recognisable, and very popular••••••• genre of cinema right now.

So what's the purpose of this post? I hear you ask. No? Well, I'm a tell you anyway, biatches!

I am going to read comics and watch some comic book movies. Not all — there's far too many for li'l ol' me to watch, and far too many that I have no intention of seeing (Kick-Ass and Wanted I'm looking at you••••••••), and I shall share my thought with the Trash Epics group. Hopefully, you will share your thoughts on any that you've seen/read, and between us we'll examine the latest cinematic cause celebre. And maybe, just maybe, save the world from certain destruction (possibly involving big lasers) and the machinations of a diabolical super villain. Or, you know, watch a bunch of movies. Whatevs.

One of the things I'm keen to investigate in my musings is, not just to see if the films are good or enjoyable, but specifically to see if they are good adaptations of the source. Now that doesn't necessarily mean slavishly reproducing the printed page on screen, but do they feel true to the characters. If there's one thing that bugs me about criticism of comic book movies it's the cry of pedantic fans who can't bear the fact that Captain America's boots don't fold over at the top (though some pedantry is justified — Judge Dredd's helmet should not come off! How could anybody get that so wrong?)


Just try it again, perp!

I prefer to look on them as one of the many '˜alternate realities' that the books themselves love to show — an Elseworlds version, if you will.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully you will be able to join me on this Journey•••••••••.

First up — Captain America (1979), starring Reb Brown (Saluting Trash Legend post for this man coming soon!), and nobody else, whatsoever.



Excelsior!

---

*•my internet detective skills show me that it would have been about a month before my 7th birthday)
••man in this context meaning truck-robot with lasers
•••I've since tracked down the preceding and subsequent issues, and, tbh, it's a fun story, but it never lived up to the old 297 magic...
••••I should probably add, at this point, that comic books in the UK were very much considered for kids — a la Dandy or Beano — and anyone over the age of about seven who read them was clearly a freak of the highest order. Compare that to today, where you can't move without tripping over Superman, or the Avengers. And suddenly my Spiderman pyjamas aren't so tragic now, are they Colin Bagley•••••?
•••••This didn't happen...
••••••Of course, there was actually some really awesome stuff coming out those days — mostly from smaller presses and independents, but I didn't really get those back then. I'm much prefer this stuff to the heroes now, though.
•••••••$$$$$ kerching $$$$$
••••••••Nothing by Mark Millar. He is a cock of the highest order, and a terrible writer.
•••••••••Into Mystery!*


#Comic

What's the deal with all these Trash Zones?

We've all come to this site and gotten bored with it, because of how aimlessly vague it is. Well not anymore, because now, we have purpose. Now, we have Trash Zones https://trashepics.com/sub/.

A lot of users had been interested in having their own corner of this website to specialize in a unique theme. I finally got crackin' and worked those in here. I've given them database support, which means they can be easily edited to suit your needs. I try to automate everything worthwhile on this site. The less I have to do to maintain it, the better. I'm a lazy man, so anyone running a zone will help me keep this site active.

---

Here's a bit of info on the recent influx of garbage zone-age:

The Ren Zone - Well, since I'm @Renzo, and I can't let everyone else have all the fun... I have a zone of my own. I'll just put boring news articles like this one in it. Posts are not exclusive to a single zone, and may appear in any number of zones. It all depends on the zone's criteria for what posts it should list. My zone just looks for posts tagged as #/httr/, so I just tag a post as #/httr/ and it will show up in my listing. Other than that, my zone is pretty useless.

The Halloween Zone - It used to be just about the film franchise, but god damnit... I like Halloween too much to limit it to a single mediocre horror series! Now, this zone will show ALL public posts that are posted under media titles that are tagged as #halloween. There are a lot of good Halloween titles out there, like Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Night of the Demons, Donnie Darko, House of 1000 Corpses, etc. It will also have a live countdown to next Halloween. I wish I could think of better gimmicks for it...

Obviously, @Tromafreak needed to run the Troma Zone. He's posting some good shit there, and it adding these shitty movies to our database of trashy movies, and it's wonderful. He reviews movies mostly. Since a bulk of Troma's movies are available for free on youtube, I advise he sets the featured youtube video to a different Troma movie every so often. This zone will show ALL public posts that are posted under media titles that are tagged as #troma.

Our slasher aficionado @slasherfan85 wanted a Slasher Zone, and I say hellz yeah. We all need a little more slashers in our diet, and as uninspired as it may be at times, it's still one of my favorite horror sub-genres. This zone will show ALL public posts that are posted under media titles tagged as #slasher.

When @AlcoholicNinja wanted to jump on the zone bandwagon, he got hard just thinking about the possibilities of what he could do with a Porno Zone. This is Trash Epics, right? This zone will show ALL public posts that are tagged as #porn. 😄

The Ball Zone is operated by @Ballz. Who would've figured? What many of you probably don't know (since he rarely graces us with his presence) is that he is putting all of his efforts into a novel he plans on selling. Since Ballz is my hangsta numba uno, I'm giving him a zone where he doesn't have to abide by any specific guidelines, but I figure it would be a good place for him to sell his novel. This zone will only show Ballz's public posts.

@Moffat wanted to talk about comics, so he has a zone... but he ain't doing anything with it yet. I don't know what posts to list, so right now, it just shows posts that posted under media titles tagged as #comic. At least I think he wanted the zone to be about comic movies...

And our sweet @Shaza wants to talk about foul, evil, dirty, dark, and depraved films in the Extreme Zone. Yeah, she looks nice, but she's into some sick shit. We need that on Trash Epics, because we need to cover all the basics of what good trash is all about. For now, this zone will show ALL public posts tagged as #extreme. Later on, when/if we get enough fitting titles in our media database, I may change it to show all posts that are posted under media tagged as #extreme. I don't know! @Shaza, you can add media titles to the database. Utilize this so you can update your featured media accordingly. The same goes for wiki pages.

---

And that's it so far. It'll be easy as hell to add more zones, should anyone come up with a legit idea. Now with these zones, I'm hoping the moderators of them will have fun with it, and try to come up with regular content for these zones. Have a weekly poll. Have a weekly movie that you recommend that everyone on the site see. And put the trailer as your featured video. Post lists about this stuff. Post achievements that are relevant to your cause. They can be for winning some kind of contest or game you might hold on your zone. Get creative. Because I'm even allowing you to style these zones with pure css, and script in pure javascript. Of course, I know you guys don't know fuck all about that, but it gives me good practice should we decide to work in some gimmicks into your zone.

#comic #extreme #extreme #halloween #porn #slasher #troma

Millennium Bug (2011)



For some reason this movie reminded me of Hills Have Eyes meets Tremors. Basically it's about the Haskin family camping out New Years Eve 1999 escaping from all the Y2K hysteria in the isolated forests of Sierra Diablos Mountains. However during their getaway they are kidnapped by hillbillies. While the family struggles to fight the hillbilly family, some type of creature comes up from the ground and now them and their captors have something new to face. I always love these movies that start off as one type of subgenre(survival) and then changes to another(creature feature). This movie is well acted with a decent amount of gore plus a lot of fun. 8/10

Worst movie ever?

What is it?

I'd go with Zombie Lake. And I generally like Franco and Rollin. So, needless to say that one was not only awful, but a letdown too. The concept was actually decent, but was handled horribly.

The Abomination (1986)

I heard about this one from Troma. As with most rec's, they all come from our very own Professor Stokes of B-Movies. I was told very little, all I knew was it would be in a similar vein to the movie Things. Now I loved Things. It was one of the most unique and hypnotising movies I had seen in a long time. So I was eager to check this one out. Once I did, like Things, I found it very difficult to articulate must feelings. All I knew was I liked it.

Lets start with the plot. We follow our hero, Cody, a thin and scrawny looking dude with 80s hair and awesome sunnies. Cody is a bit concerned about his mum, who is obsessed with one of those TV evangelists. His mum reckons she has a tumour in her lungs cos the TV guy says so, but she is healed through the TV and a minute later coughs up the tumour and places it in the bin... as you do...

Well, this is no ordinary tumour, it's alive! We know this because it convulses and breathes in the bin. But no one seems to take notice of that, or its foul order. Not until it walks (yes, try to imagine a tumour walking, I know you can do it) into Cody's mouth while he's asleep. Now Cody is coughing up blood and has a new blood thirst, to kill for the abomination which is controlling him.

Makes perfect sense right? Well, not really, this movie is so strange and bizarre it made no sense at all. But then again, I don't think it matters. If there ever was a movie that just goes with the flow, it's this one. And if the plot has you scratching your head, wait till you see the acting, which is so bad, it's beautiful! I mean this is a shocker! I just love the lack of enthusiasm, I reckon the actors were bored saying their own lines. And I don't know why they felt the need to dub an already English movie, but that made it even more bizarre! And I mean they dubbed everything! People walking across a room sounded like someone was hitting a hallow drum. The sounds were magnified, or distorted, to create such a weird and strange vibe. It made the movie even more abnormal.

To add to this already bizarre little flick, we also have the score which is just so awesome and trippy! Very 80s and very repetitive, but catchy enough. It certainly adds to the movie and helps to make it memorable.

I really liked this movie even though technically I shouldn't. From a cinematic standpoint this movie is awful on almost every conceivable level, but you know I think that's the exact reason why this movie worked so well for me. Maybe it was the ultra low budget film making, or the very southern American accents which are just awesome in their own right, or the fact that this movie had toilet humour that would make Trey Parker proud. Or maybe it was the "abomination", which is essentially a massive tumour with a mouth and big teeth. That's a pretty cool monster, don't deny it!!! It also builds up to a delightfully gruesome ending which also makes no sense, but hey, it's funny and entertaining so that gets a plus from me.



Though this bad movie isn't perfect. I think the term 'filler' is appropriate when they use a montage of the whole movie in the first three minutes of the film. Also using the exact same scene twice is a bit dodgy. Was it really necessary to see the beginning scene a second time? Maybe... I don't know, maybe it's really important that we know the abomination makes all things desolate because that what's said over and over and over again. Recycled footage does add on the minutes, but it gets more than a little repetitive.

So final thoughts? For an extremely low budget splatter flick, I enjoyed this one immensely, though did get a bit tired seeing the same stuff over again. It's hard to recommend this movie, as I don't imagine many actually liking it, but if you're on this site, you're probably all nuts like me, and will find much pleasure in this mess of a film. You're bound to be as amazed and confused as I was.

Thankyou

Curtains (1983)

Curtains opens with Samantha Sherwood (Samantha Eggar) an actress practicing her role for Audra. Stryker (John Vernon) tells her Audra would never do that and then somehow convinces her to check into an insane asylum. He tells her it will help her become Audra. But what Samantha doesn't know Stryker plans on leaving her there and casting another actress as Audra. Stryker invites six actresses to come to his place for the weekend for a casting session to see if one of them can be Audra.

The first actress the viewer sees is Patti O'Connor a comedian she is telling jokes and then gives everyone the good news about her going to house to try to get the part. She says 6 actresses in one house competing for the part "Sounds like a lot of fun if you like bloodbaths" Next Brooke Parsons a well known actress angered that she has to audition for the part. Then next actress I had to look this next name up because her name is only used once during the movie, Amanda Teuther is in her apartment getting ready for her trip . Her name isn't mentioned too much because she is the first victim. She is killed in her apartment so she doesn't even make it to Stryker's place. The audience gets to see the killer here for the first time. Not only is the killer wearing a creepy hag mask, he/she places a doll down before he/she kills some of their victims.

(This is a picture of the killer right before he/she kills one their victims)

Next we see all the remaining 5 actresses (Brooke, Patti, Tara, Christie, and Laurian) making their way to Stryker's place. After everyone is there, Stryker comes out and says someone is missing which is Amanda. He goes around calling all the actresses by their last names and asking them questions. Then Samantha enters to Stryker's shock she escaped the insane asylum and come to claim the part of Audra.

Now all the actresses are competing for the role. Some are climbing into bed with Stryker to land the role, while someone is killing off the competition one by one. Curtains has some great acting by John Vernon and Samantha Eggar. And has a great story and setting. There isn't much character development, but in a slasher film you really don't need it.The most important thing Curtains has is some great kill and chase scenes, which is a must for a great slasher film. Plus it has a great little twist at the end (multiple killers) I highly recommend this movie and think it's a must watch for any slasher fan. And now thanks to Synapse, you can see everything clearly. I thought highly of Curtains before, but like it even better with this transfer. I am giving Curtains 8/10. And it is in my top 25 stand alone slashers of the 80s.

#Slasher

The Slasher Movie Book

I am getting ready to start writing my first review for the Slasher Zone. It will be up probably tomorrow. I decided to do a small review for The Slasher Movie Book. Written by J.A. Kerswell who also runs https://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/ which is a a great site to check out slasher reviews. The book is filled with knowledge about slasher/gialli/krimi movies. It has hundreds of titles from well known (Halloween) to lesser known(Sweet Sixteen). It is a fun read for any slasher fan.

#Slasher

Meat Weed Madness (2006)

Sure. It's original alright. But what exactly is IT? Well, a lot of things, really. Wacky, vulgar, bizarre, confusing, trippy, peculiar, pointless, strangely upbeat, definitely hilarious at times, but mostly random. Very, very random. What kind of childhood must one endure to one day grow up and have ideas like these go through their head, and then actually manage to make a movie about it? What type of delusional fuck has the balls to explain this nonsense to the people he wants as his stars? And how'd he get so many semi-hot naked chicks to lend him their naked bodies and shitty acting? Alot of mystery surrounding this one. I've seen Meat Weed Madness a couple times over the years, and I can honestly say that I still don't know quite what to make of it. And I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.

Marijuana grown with human flesh.Yeah. That's what this movie is about. The Farmers of a magical Southern plantation called Meat Weed Manor grow the best weed on the planet using said method. How or why this works obviously isn't the issue here. That subject is just never really tackled. What is the Issue, you ask? Well, uh... nudity, I guess. Nudity and sleaziness. We'll just go with that. I'm sure there's something more to it, but whatevs. Anyway, four Southern Belles stumble upon the beautiful plantation, and are immediately welcomed by Lord Meat Weed, to stick around for a while, and to try out some product, which makes them go mad and make out with each other, which is by far the most normal thing to happen the entire duration of this movie.

So much happens that it's almost impossible to keep it all straight. What sticks out in my mind the most is the dumb, yet disturbingly surreal music. pointlessly dubbed voices, weird images, many, many random acts of vulgar sleaziness. Oh, And Bullpucky the Minotaur. We mustn't forget that thing. Watching that thing move about is one of the funniest things in the movie. Just don't be trying to take it all seriously. Just appreciate Meat Weed Madness for what it is. Whatever it is. Nothing against films which are shot on video. I'm definitely not one of those weirdos who can't take s.o.v's seriously. And it's not even the obvious micro-budget. I love low-budget movies. I just find all of this a bit hard to swallow.

Maybe there is some kind of message, hidden deep down beneath all the stupid, surreal shit. Maybe this film isn't just insanity disguised as a comedy about pot. Perhaps there's a little genius beneath all the bullshit. I can see how Lloyd Kaufman would watch this and think just that, and take a chance on it on the off chance that it might just be the next great Troma movie. Poor old bastard. I'm pretty sure my original assumption was correct, and Aiden Dillard is a retard with no future, and Troma fans will never give a fuck about Meat Weed Madness. Regardless, I'll say it's definitely worth at least one viewing if you happen to be fascinated by the unique and the weird, or even if you simply like weed movies. Although, that one's a maybe. ?/10



#Review