Day Of The Clown



Sorry, but clowns are shit. I mean, come on! They're basically just people who want to make a living in comedy, but lack either the guts or talent to become a comedian. Instead, they choose to hide behind makeup and go for the easiest possible audience. It's a pathetic existence when you think about it. Going through life pretending you've found your calling while settling for this less-respectable version of what you'd rather be doing. I suppose grabbing hold of even a glimmer of your dream could be better than nothing in some cases, but a clown? I don't know. You should probably just hang yourself and get it overwith. So, anyway. There's this movie about a guy whose genuine dream was to be a clown. To be nothing but a clown. The sad truth about this clown of a man is that he truly was nothing. At one point, all he had was his persona of "Flappy", but after a little hardship, a little soul searching and some much needed growth of his balls, William would finally become somebody... Somebody who is respected. Somebody who is not to be fucked with. This is the story of Vulgar the clown.

There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy. The world could definitely use more of them. However, this guy, William, has got to learn to stand up for himself a little. William is a nice guy. One could say he's just an all around good person. William gets shit on seemingly by everyone he comes across in life. His mom despises him for unknown reasons, Bums hang around outside his lousy little house and throw things at him when he walks by. His only friend is an asshole. It seems as though the only thing that keeps William going is his love for his profession as a birthday clown and his dreams of it all becoming something more. William is convinced it's only a matter of time before his big break and "Flappy The Clown" becomes a household name.

William's biggest problem at the moment is financial. This clown shit is not paying off at the moment and William is going to have to get creative if he plans on making ends meet. William comes up with this idea. It's a bit random and takes some explaining to really make sense, but he comes up with this sleazy alter-ego for bachelor parties. Basically for a prank, like if the groom to be is expecting a stripper, in walks "obnoxious fag clown", and then he'll be all like "what the fuck, dude".... Get it? Yeah, it's pretty lame and does not sound like something that would catch on in a million years. However, William gets his first customer shortly after putting the ad in the paper. And that's where things get interesting.

I'm sure if William had any idea of the hell his first customer would bring down on him, he would have gladly stayed in his lane and remained in the dead end existence that it seems was meant for him. As William slowly creeps into a dark motel room, hoping to find a party, the party finds him. He is immediately assaulted, beaten mercilessly by a giant fat fuck (Ethan Suplee) and his cock-eyed brother. These brothers do the bidding of their vicious deviant of a father. The father, Edwina, explains to William that he's there for one reason: To get his asshole destroyed. William is about to get gang raped and there's not a thing in the world he can do about it. William is then ass raped, fucked in the mouth, beaten within an inch of his life, and left for dead.

After the party, William gets himself home and cleans the cum and blood out of his asshole. Traumatized and forever changed, William needs a little time before even trying to figure out where to go from here. The only person William can turn to and confide in is his asshole friend who turns out to be more caring and dependable than we assumed. It takes him a while to get back into the swing of things, but William eventually dusts off his old Flappy costume and gets back to the only thing in life he is good at: Making children's birthday parties extra special. Once again, the next gig will change everything.

There seems to be a little situation when William arrives at his destination. A pissed off, psychotic father is holding his own daughter at gunpoint in the house as cops are outside trying to reason with him. He only wants his estranged wife to come in and the daughter goes free. Everyone knows what will happen to the wife if she goes in there, so, the cops are stuck between a rock and a hard place. That is, until William grows his balls and just walks up in there and takes the guy out. And just like that, William is a hero. After William's brave act gains some publicity, one thing leads to another, and he is offered his own TV show be an eager network executive (Kevin Smith). William happily accepts, and just like that, his wildest dreams have come true.

William now has the life he's always wanted, and all he has to do is keep on being Flappy. William's new-found happiness would be short-lived, however, as the vicious closet-homo and his boys have discovered Flappy's identity and set out to blackmail, first for money, then for more ass. Unfortunately, the gang rape was filmed and William was forced to say things that might ruin him if it ever got out there. So, once again, William is at the mercy of these sick fucks. The father and sons want one more crack at William's "sweet ass", and he is assured he will be given the only proof of his shame. Of course, William doesn't think for one second that it will be over no matter what he gives them. William knows there is only one way to handle this situation: With a gun!

Starring Brian O'Halloran, who played Dante in Clerks. One thing this movie has over Kevin Smith's is we actually get to see Brian O'Halloran spread his wings as an actor and show what he can really do. William/Flappy/Vulgar is not only more likable and endearing than the whiny pessimist, Dante, but an all around deeper character. A soft spoken doormat who never learned to stand up for himself, and instead, waits and hopes for those who make his life unbearable to pass him by. That attitude only got William so far, and ultimately led him to a situation that waiting and hoping could not fix.

Directed by Bryan Johnson. A friend of Kevin Smith's who has appeared in several of his films, including Mallrats and Dogma. There's obviously a lot of Smith influence to be found in the script, but the silent one certainly never made anything half this dark. And while it is dark in the most entertaining way possible, one doesn't have to be a filmmaker to notice the lack of experience here. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something missing from this story. It all felt somewhat incomplete to me. It feels like the second and third acts run together, so, when it's all over, it really doesn't seem as though it should be. Not that it was so much anti-climactic as it just sorta rushed to the climax, making the closing scene feel almost out of the blue. I'm guessing this black sheep of the View Askewniverse never found the audience it was looking for or deserves. Vulgar seems like one of those movies that isn't quite sure what it wants to be. It flirts with the rape/revenge aspect, but doesn't quite get there. The comedy mostly falls flat mainly because of how out of place it feels. Vulgar is primarily a dark drama, so, the attempts at comedy relief doesn't really fit, and ultimately doesn't do this movie any favors. If Brian O'Halloran getting his asshole demolished against his will isn't enough to tickle your funny bone, then I don't know what to tell ya! 5/10



#Review

Unwelcome (2022 or 2023, depending on who you ask)

Well, the best way I can describe this movie is Straw Dogs meets Troll 2.

Just after learning they're pregnant, Jamie and Maya suffer a home invasion where they are beat up pretty badly. They decide they must leave London and move to a small Irish town where Jamie just inherited a farm house from his deceased aunt.

Jamie, by the way, is the most pussified character you will ever see. He's constantly getting bullied, he always lets people talk shit to him and his wife, he even dives behind his pregnant wife when a dog barks at them. The man is just pathetic.

His aunt's friend tells them of a bunch of goblins, called the redcaps, who are believed to live in the woods behind their new house. To keep them happy, they must leave some liver out back for them every night. Of course, they think this is nonsense, but try to remember to do it just to keep this crazy lady happy.

Anyway, the house is being fixed up by this family of reprobates, who are doing more harm than good. When one of the sons tries to rape Maya in the woods, the goblins come to the rescue. The remaining family member are sure that Jamie and Maya have something to do with his disappearance, and lay seige to their house. Maya calls on the goblins for help, but of course their help doesn't come cheap or easy.

I really don't know what to make of this movie. Some of it is really well done, and some of it is super hokey. I'm still not sure whether the goblins were meant to be scary or funny. It does have one hell of an ending that left me very satisfied, I'll tell you that. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm actually not sure whether to recommend it, half of you would probably hate it. But I still kind of think you should watch it anyway, I'm glad I did.

Eliana Miglio, in Demons (1985)

Eliana Miglio plays the girl in the tent who gets menaced and killed by a demon, in the movie within a movie shown in the cinema, in Demons (1985). She can be seen here, off and on for a little over a minute, starting at 26:55.

My point that I'm trying to make here is the following: she was a babe. A BABE. That is all.

No no no no! There shall be no quarreling, and no dissent of any kind. This is my final word on this topic, and there is no possibility of debate. I am simply correct, and there can be no rational argument of any kind against what I'm saying.

I know, I sometimes try to avoid arguments and confrontation here, but on this point I'm afraid I'm just going to have to go all in, and put my foot down, once and for all. I am right, and anyone who even slightly disagrees with me is absolutely wrong, and will burn in Hell forever for their wrong-headed viewpoint. That's just the way it is. I'm terribly sorry to put you all in this situation, but that's just the way it has to be.

That is all. Kirk out.

The Inspiration for The Omen?

I just read about this on the Wikipedia page for the original Omen. Apparently, in 1974 there was an episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker, in which a devious person was running for public office, and we gradually learn that he is some kind of agent of Satan. It has scary Rottweilers, people having horrible accidents as soon as they come into any kind of conflict with the devil's pawn.... the whole enchillada. Anyway, apparently Den of Geek noticed the parallels with The Omen. I can't remember ever hearing about this connection in my entire life, but it sounds like it must be one of the main inspirations for The Omen. It had to be. Anyway, the episode was called The Devil's Platform, if you feel like doing some googling of your own. Here are a couple of videos about it:

Your Computer Setup

You're relaxing and you want to stare at some screens. How do you do it? Is everyone on mobile? Are there any dinosaurs in the audience who still sit at a desk and use a desktop or even laptop computer?

I have a moderate size tv, I think around 36". Not mounted, because I don't want to fuck up my walls anymore than they already are. I have a laptop that I never take anywhere. It sits on my desk, so it is essentially a desktop computer. I just upgraded my wired mouse & keyboard for wireless and I feel so liberated. Wires are such a mess. This new keyboard is tiny and slim.

I get mad at myself for loving computers so much, but not even taking advantage of good technology when it's all easily available and cheap even. Like anything bluetooth. Does anybody have their house set up to do stuff? They made horror movies about that already.

My room isn't adequate for a good sound setup either, so no surround sound system here. Maybe bluetooth headphones would be good.

Technology is weird. What say you?

Elizabeth Harvest

I basically can't say anything about this movie without totally wrecking it. I'll just say that it's interesting. Check it out.

Therapy in movies/tv

There I was listening to some old rock songs when youtube hit me with a long ad about therapy. Is this part of the algorithm, specifically targeting me?

JK, I don't give a fuck. I don't need therapy, but I am curious about it for fuck's sake.


A few ramblings...

RZ's Halloween 2 had Laurie traumatized by how shitty the first movie was, so she got Margot Kidder as her therapist. I hated the shit out of Laurie in that movie. All she did was bitch. RZ's psychological efforts do nothing for me. Whoever says this is a good movie needs therapy. And how does Laurie afford therapy if she lives with the Bracketts and works at a record store? Aren't therapists supposed to cost a lot? Is she getting the services pro-bono so the therapist can get famous, much like Malcolm McLoomis does? Also, fuck this movie.


Tony Soprano also spoke to his therapist a lot. It's been a while since I watched that show, but I know they wanted more Goodfellas in the cast, that's for sure. He could afford it easily, supporting the theory that therapy is a rich person's problem.


Also, what the fuck is up with that car door in The Lost Boys? How did he rip it off by getting pulled into the air? Iron fucking grip, that guy... but wouldn't the handle break off before the whole fucking door? YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

Crime Challenge 2023 + RESULTS



Welcome to the 2023 Crime Challenge.

You can watch any movie or TV show involving crime. If in doubt, please use IMDb or any other major movie database to check if a movie is tagged with "crime". However, certain superhero or slasher movies will be allowed but crime must be an integral part of the plot i.e. if it's a slasher then the police investigation must be a major feature of the movie (e.g. giallo), if it's a superhero flick/TV show then the superhero must be battling criminal organisations (i.e. Batman, Daredevil). Documentaries on the subject are also allowed.

You will get one point per minute watched.

This challenge runs from 00:00 on June 1st to 23:59 on June 30th.

Please use the shoutbox for any questions, I will not be posting a separate discussion thread.

Make your spot below!

Becoming (2020)

This movie https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Becoming_(2020_horror_film) is really nothing too special, but I am mentioning it just because it is interesting to watch Jason Patric basically channeling his dad, Jason Miller, Father Karras from the Exorcist. There's a scene where Jason Patric yells "You're not my father!" at a demon-possessed guy, and he did it in a VERY similar way to how his dad yelled "You're not my mother!" at the devil in The Exorcist, when the devil was messing with his mind.

He (Jason Patric) also reminded me of Jeff Fahey in Planet Terror. That has nothing to do with anything, particularly, but it just struck me as an odd resemblance.

Other than that, it's pretty much about a 20-or-early-30-something guy getting slowly possessed by a demon, and how his poor girlfriend has to deal with it. They (the couple) kept reminding me of Paul Walker and Laurie Holden. Not that they were ever a couple, as far as I know, but the actors have similar vibes to them.

Had to share.

The Foo Fighters made a horror movie

Studio 666 came out of nowhere, and it disappeared just as fast. Who knew Dave Grohl was such a big fan of The Exorcist? Because who isn't, really? So his effort is a haunted mansion / music studio in California with some rock star horror backstory... featuring Jenna Ortega!. Albeit super briefly. The Foo can't come up with a new album, so they go to this haunted-ass place for inspiration.

Dave is the lead, obviously. Whilst you can tell he isn't an actor, you know he had fun with this, and his acting isn't terrible or anything. The late Taylor Hawkins apparently didn't want to memorize lines, so he improved all of his. I already forgot the rest of the bandmates, because they were lame and not funny. One of the guys had gray hair and looked really old and he definitely couldn't act. He couldn't wipe that stupid look off his face the whole movie. Then the other guy being overtly sexual was definitely unfunny, and then there was another guy or two. I forgot most of the movie, and I definitely zoned out at the end, because it got pretty lame and boring.

I love Dave Grohl, I do. I know he means well, but the story isn't great. This it becomes a movie about the kills. That's cool enough I guess. But with Exorcist inspiration, you'd expect a different result. I didn't hate it though. It does feature a John Carpenter intro score, as well as his classic white Albertus title font, as well as JC himself in a bit part as a sound mixer. The backstory on him scoring a track is pretty cool too. It involves too many brain thoughts and thinking stuffs for me to put to words right now, but this awkward, mildly amusing meta possession horror flick by the Foo Fighters definitely exists. Should you watch it though? Or should you take my word for it?

#Review