Evil Dead Sinks 2023

I didn't want to believe the heckler at the early screenings, but he's the real hero for calling it like it is. This movie is garbage. Right away, you can tell it was more inspired by the 2013 movie than by the real series. Hell, this movie makes the 2013 movie look good, even though it suffers from the same flaws as that turkey, only they took those eye-rolling tropes and turned them up to 11. It's like they didn't learn anything from that movie.

I mentioned in another post about remakes failing so hard that they have to go back to the original to recalibrate. Ash vs. Evil Dead was the perfect recalibration, going back to the right tone, but here, we lose all of that. Here, we aim for straight horror again, and we fail hard. Again.

I'm assuming this movie is set in Michigan due to the inclusion of another cabin in the woods as well as our main location, that of a delinquent high-rise apartment. Wiki says Los Angeles, but I'll debate that. The aesthetic is grim, and by that I mean it's so dark, it's hard to see anything. Our characters are completely forgettable and our deadites are again inspired too much by that J-horror jump scare bullshit. If this is the future of the Evil Dead franchise, I'm out.

What a fucking disappointment. Also, there's a whole parking garage they could have put the oldsmobile in, but nope. I guess Sam Raimi, despite producing this mess, didn't want to include his trademark in a subpar product. Gory? Yes. Fun and scary? No and no. They need to stop giving these movies such big budgets, because that shit ruins the magic. Fuck this movie.

#Review

The Return of Batman Returns (2023)

I'm not terribly familiar with The Flash. He had a lot of tv stuff in and out of the Arrowverse, but I never watched any of it, because why should I? I'm here for Batman, bitch. But somehow, that weird cult leader they-pronoun Ezra Miller pulled it off. It lived up to the hype.

The movie takes heavy inspiration from the Flashpoint Paradox comic, in which Flash goes so fast that he travels back in time. It was a cool comic and animated film, utilizing Batman in a primary role, which is what this movie also does. Sex^Batman sells. Of course, that story has been told already, so we're fitting it into the Snyderverse for one last go before the new DCU takes over.

It makes for a good Flash origin story, even though it's definitely not a prequel. It's time travel, so it's actually a very fun butterfly effect movie with sincerity and jokes that actually land. It covers the accident, the trauma, all that. But Batman...

Ben Affleck actually has a good look for Batman & Bruce Wayne. He's in there for a few good scenes, but Michael Keaton is the one we're curious about. How does he factor into all this? Well, time isn't linear, and it takes some spaghetti to explain it. In a nutshell, he's from a skewed intersecting universe of sorts in which Flash seemingly landed.

He's still cool though, because "I'm Batman" - him. However, I'm thinking he's not necessarily the same one we saw in the Tim Burton movies, but the mansion is the same, the car and gadgets are the same, the batcave... I think that was different, but I'm a pathetic Batman fan since I can't tell you for certain. There's another Batman, but you'll find out about that later.

Supergirl and Zod are also in a chunk of this movie, and it shows you just how badly we needed a Henry Cavill to save us from that liberal loon Michael Shannon. Michael complained that his role is pretty shallow in this movie, and I'll agree. But he's there for some interesting Man of Steel nostalgia. Supergirl was well done, but pointless in the long run. I would do her.

It was a fun movie. People say the CGI is bad, but that's redundant. It didn't bother me, because I was high as fuck and eating hot dogs. The Flash was running at lightning speed though infinity, but he was also stealing and eating hot dogs, and that makes him a relatable character.

May God have mercy on Ezra Miller's soul.

#Review

Take Me To The River: Promising drama falls the fuck apart



Jesus, where to begin... And this one started out making so much sense. I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but it's almost like the director's brain just stopped working at some point during filming. Although that would imply the scenes were filmed in order and I have no reason to think they were, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. It's not really a bad movie as far as typical bad movie qualities go. It's just that this thing makes less and less sense as it goes on, and it kinda blows my mind that whoever is responsible for this weird shit was OK with the final product being released as it was. Trust me. It needed some work.

This movie takes place in rural Nebraska during a family reunion for a really big family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, grandparents. Everybody's present and ready to eat. Including the outcasts from Californy. This married couple and their pissy, 17 year old gay son. I don't think Ryder much cares for anyone at this reunion, but he really wants to tell them all he's into dudes for some reason. Ryder wants this reunion to be his little coming out party, but his parents think it would make things super awkward. To be honest, we are given no reason to think otherwise. Ryder doesn't give a fuck and he shows it by wearing his red short shorts. This definitely makes things awkward as he gets plenty of stares and comments from the dumb hicks who don't get how sweet these gay, red shorts really are.

Ryder ends up volunteering to look after his 9 year old cousin, Molly for a while, seemingly as an excuse to get away from everyone else. The two go exploring and end up in a barn where the girl wishes to inspect the nest of some animal, which is where things get complicated. Molly talks Ryder into lifting her up on his shoulders so she can reach this nest, and the next thing we see is the little girl running back to the adults, screaming and crying with blood on her dress. This kid has just gotten her first period. Molly's redneck daddy is enraged and starts screaming at Ryder because he thinks he shoved his slimy gay dick up this girl's undeveloped little pussy. Molly doesn't even attempt to clear Ryder's name, and for whatever reason, neither does he.

Ryder denys doing anything to his cousin, but at the same time, acts like he's hiding something. If he is hiding something, we never learn what that is. As far as we know, this kid just started bleeding out her vagina whilst on Ryder's shoulders. It happens, I guess. Dinner is ruined as big drama ensues. Grandma thinks it's best if Ryder sleeps in the barn tonight even though outraged redneck daddy and family live way on down the road and have already left. This is more or less where the logic starts to crumble.

So, Ryder gladly sleeps in the barn because fuck grandma and pretty much everyone else. At some point in the night, his idiot mother comes out to sleep with him, I assume because she feels guilty. Ryder wants her to go away and stop bothering him but she feels like this is the best desicion. The next day, it is discovered that Ryder's parents car has been spray-painted with insults obviously directed at Ryder. We never learn who did this, but idiot mom's only concern is hiding this from grandma. Later on, idiot mom's brother (outraged, redneck daddy) sends one of his other little daughters (he has 4) to go fetch Ryder. This little girl shows up on a horse announcing that Ryder has officially been invited by daddy to dine with the family. Daddy wants to make things right and show Ryder that he is still welcomed in their home. The girl insists only Ryder is invited, which sounds suspicious as all hell if you ask me. For some reason, this untrusting teenager accepts the invitation seemingly without much thought. Apparently, Ryder's main concern is being allowed to wear his gay, red shorts. He immediately pulls down his pants to reveal them as his parents discourage this because nothing good could possibly come from wearing those faggy little things.

For some reason, Ryder seems to feel as though his gayness is somehow wrapped up in these shorts. He doesn't plan on telling anyone he wants cock, but I guess, feels the shorts are a fair compromise. So, Ryder rides the horse with Molly's little sister all the way to their place down the road. We then witness a very awkward lunch with the obviously still sore redneck daddy as he attempts to act like it's all good. Daddy says weird shit to Ryder, talks in riddles, asks him questions that sounds like traps, but ultimately, none of this seems to amount to jack shit. At one point, daddy randomly insists Ryder attempt to name off his daughters from oldest to youngest. As the suspicious Ryder is very hesitant to do so, it appears this all has a point and is leading somewhere but never does. Much like everything else.

After lunch, Daddy makes Ryder spend some alone time with Molly in her room, which is every bit as uncomfortable as it sounds. Lots of awkward silence between these two kids, but not long after they get to talking, daddy busts in and takes Ryder outside to show him how to shoot a gun. We can hear the resentment in his voice as he explains how to work the gun, but daddy never attempts to get anything off his chest. Maybe he was trying to scare Ryder, or just make him feel uncomfortable? it's impossible to know what is happening here. Luckily for Ryder, this weird little visit is now coming to an end as redneck daddy is having Molly take Ryder back to grandma's as they both ride off on horses together. On the way back, Ryder tries to find out what the fuck is going on because something clearly is, but Molly's not talking. She, however, mentions something about her family not being her real family, but also insists she's not adopted when asked. This is never mentioned again, and like literally everything else, goes nowhere.

Molly suddenly goes from quiet to talkative to somewhat flirty. She stops by the river, insisting the horses need a drink. Already wearing a swimsuit, she jumps in and takes herself a swim, and immediately starts trying to coax Ryder into getting in there with her. What in the ever loving hell does this kid want? It seems so much like there's something else going on here that is about to be revealed, but it never happens. After talking a lot of nonsense, Molly talks Ryder into letting her get on his shoulders again, which she seems to get sexual pleasure from. I mean she's clearly humping the back of his neck. Maybe it doesn't bother him as much as it should since he's gay? I don't know, but seriously, what the fuck is happening here?

Ryder and Molly hang around by the river for a while until Molly dumps mud all over him and then talks him into a game of hide and seek. As Ryder closes his eyes and counts to 50, Molly quickly runs off and just vanishes. It was freaky like maybe she DID literally vanish, but no such luck. Ryder then spends the next few hours searching for her. After it gets dark, he gives up and heads back to grandma's where he finds Molly and redneck daddy hanging out with his parents at the dinner table. Ryder is asked to join them. Not knowing what else to do, he just sits down and says very little as daddy directs passive aggressive remarks at him. He eventually gets to something resembling a point and sheds a little, and I mean very little light on the situation. If I didn't know better, I'd think this guy was implying that everything that has happened was by design. Possibly attempted revenge for some incest that went down between him and Ryder's mom when they were kids. So... there's that.

•SHRUGS• Don't ask me! I realize my description of this movie sounds like I only half-way paid attention, but I assure you, this is how it is. I never gave up on this kid being a homo somehow turning out to be relevant to the story though. As it would turn out, nothing was relevant. Nothing made sense. Or at least nothing after the point where Ryder agreed to take Molly off his uncle's hands for a while. I kept waiting for him to be all like "I'm gay, so get off my back", but it seemed to be very important to his parents that he keep it in the closet. Ryder didn't seem to give a shit what his parents thought, but for whatever reason, abided by this. I kept waiting for something to happen to justify something, and this almost non-existent reveal at the end just didn't cut it. Somebody had an idea for a story that could have possibly been developed into something coherent, if not intriguing. However, it was apparently decided the movie be made before that could happen. Of course, they clearly had no problems getting in a scene with a little girl being sexual, so, mission accomplished, I guess...? 4/10



#Review

Question about Horror movies I saw in a Facebook group earlier

They said "Humanity as we know it is ending. You've been charged with saving 5 HORROR MOVIES from extinction. Let's hear your picks horror fans"

I'm not even 100% sure what they are asking here. I assume it's more than just "What are your 5 favorites?". I figure it's more along the lines of which 5 horror movies are worth saving the most? Which 5 could offer the proper inspiration to potential filmmakers way later after/if things get back to normal? Or at least the inspiration that you yourself would prefer so that the genre could, one day, be rebuilt into something decent. In that case, I guess your own personal taste should play a role in your answer. So, yeah. Which 5 would you want to be looked back on by future generations as the ones that RE-started it all?

It took a while to settle on 5, but I went with these...

House Of Dark Shadows (1970)
Night Of The Living Dead (1968)
Return Of The Living Dead (1985)
A Nightmare On Elm Steeet (1984)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)


Yeah, I think those should do it. I'm not the biggest Elm Street fan in the world but it's probably for the best that it's not lost forever. There was a few newer ones I wanted to go with, but figured I should keep it within the heyday of Horror where most of the modern inspiration comes from. I also wanted to pick something a little classier like Burnt Offerings, but for some reason, I went with Texas Chainsaw Massacre instead. It's hard as there are so many eras and masterpieces from various countries.

Terrifier 2, 2022

After years of being postponed, the movie is finally out. But damnit, that delay was worth it for one specific kill. There was a featurette after the movie describing how the pandemic allowed them to flesh out a rather ordinary kill into some insanely excessive levels. It's such a cruel and sadistic scene, it's hilarious.

Art the Clown is a funny guy. I got a lot of laughs out of him, and I think a few others did too. There were about 10 in the theater, which is a decent turnout by today's standards, especially for an indiegogo funded movie. They featured some of the donors under the "special thanks" part in the credits, and that was a long-ass list, which explains why the movie was able to be as excessively graphic in its 2h18m runtime.

It's fucking disgusting. Great practical effects, and I like the way the movie looks. It's kind of a retro look, but still a pretty clean picture. And for all those font-enthusiasts out there, •crickets•, they use the "Massacre" font from TCM2 as their main font. I think they're trying to steal it or something.

The performances were good. I like the main chick. They put her through hell. They put everyone through hell. Except Felissa Rose, who only appeared in some brief scene at a school. She probably couldn't have handled doing any of the gore scenes.

FYI, there's a long mid-credits scene. Stupid fuckers in the theater sat through that gorefest only to miss more gore?

If you're a fucking asshole, you'll find this movie pretty funny.

#Review

Glorious (2022)

I can easily say it's the best horror movie I've seen that revolves around a glory hole.

So this dude is on the run from some...personal troubles...probably the less known about that the better. He ends up at a rest stop where he spends the night getting wasted and somehow manages to completely burn his pants? He awakes with an awful hangover, and runs to restroom to puke it all out. At one point he realizes he just touched his face after having touched the toilet, and kind of freaks. But he completely ignores the fact that his lips were literally pressed against the toilet seat a few seconds earlier. Anyway, his stall contains a glory hole, the other side of which resides, you guessed it, an ancient, Lovecraftian god! (voiced by J.K. Simmons) named "gotanotherone" or something like that... And this god demands sacrifice!

You might think that this movie would just be a vehicle for glory hole joke after glory hole joke, but it's surprisingly serious. Now don't get me wrong, there are some bits of humor here and there, but I would hardly call it a comedy.

Totally worth checking out, but don't expect a masterpiece.

Did Commando inspire The Hidden?

First things first: sadly, this post has absolutely nothing to do with The Terminator. We can only pray that referring to Commando is close enough.

Having said that... I was just thinking about this. Watch a minute or so of Commando here. Just pay close attention from about 2:14 to 3:14.



Especially pay attention to the way William Duke (the huge black guy from Predator and Mandy and Sixteen Candles... no, never mind about Sixteen Candles) says "I like Cadillacs," in a very cold, emotionless voice.

I could totally see that scene inspiring the entire movie The Hidden, which came out a couple of years later. Imagine being someone involved in scriptwriting or directing in Hollywood, in the mid-80s, and seeing Commando in some cinema. You see that scene, and the way William Duke comes across as a bit inhuman when he says "I like Cadillacs."

I can easily imagine some scriptwriter seeing that, and thinking "What if that character really was an alien? What if he just did whatever he wanted, without fear of consequences? What if human policemen were completely unprepared for how merciless and relentless this alien was, and they needed assistance from some other alien? Wouldn't that make a cool movie?"

I have no idea if this is how The Hidden really got started. But it feels like it could be true. Partly because that scene and the scene I'm thinking of in The Hidden both take place in car dealerships, and have comparable set-ups and outcomes. Here's that scene in The Hidden:



Anyway... yah. Had to share.

The Drop 2014

Tom Hardy and James Gandolfini are Brooklyn bartenders with some very minimal organized crime connections. Well, at least Tom Hardy wants to steer clear of it, though Gandolfini still revels in his glory days of being respected. When the bar gets robbed, the mob expects our guys to get the money back, but the police are also inching closer to all these illegal activities. Meanwhile, Hardy finds an abused puppy in a woman's trash, and things go from promising to shady real quick.

So far, I've been pretty vague with the plot and I'll leave it at that. It's kind of a slowburner, performance-driven, and basically just a good fuckin' movie. Tom Hardy is cool. James Gandolfini was great. I miss him, and this movie came out a year after his death. Apparently the last movie he dropped before dropping himself, but what a movie it was.

A highlight of the crime challenge. Good shit.

#Review

Dog Day Afternoon 1975

Based on a true NYC bank robbery in 1972, this movie is often regarded as one of the classics, but you don't hear people talk about it that often. Al Pacino was on fire back then. You could tell he was young and hungry, but is the movie as good as they say? Eh, I guess so.

You can tell this movie was a huge influence on Airheads (1994). The hostage situation that garners fans and sympathy while the police try to handle it.

This movie also has Chris Sarandon as a super gay, Charles Durning as the police guy, John Cazale as Sal the co-robber, and Lance Henriksen as another cop. His appearances are brief, but he's bad-ass. His part in in this movie is probably why they wanted him as a Terminator. He blends in. Regular yet creepy. A killing machine.

Yeah, it's a good movie movie. I'd buy it for a dollar.

#Review

Texans!  Is the Lake Texoma Bigfoot a thing?!?

This was on the Travel Channel, which, as I have mentioned here before, should now be called the Bigfoot Channel.
https://www.travelchannel.com/shows/these-woods-are-haunted/episodes/it-came-from-hell-and-ozark-bigfoot

This episode had a dramatization of brothers who had an encounter with some kind of beast. They think maybe it was a Bigfoot. Is this a popular urban legend around that area of Texas? Or, a rural legend, I guess... I'll just call it a legend. You see where I'm going with this. Do people often claim to have strange encounters around there?