Firestarter 2022

I don't care much for the 1984 movie, so there's no bias to dismiss this "remake", which is more adequately a "new adaptation". The movies play out very differently. This one feels more like Stephen King's X-Men.

The cast does a good job here. Zac Efron plays the dad, and he also has powers, along with the mother, who underwent some experiment in college, which explains that much. They live their lives with discretion, though the young girl is having a hard time dealing with her growing pyrokinetic abilities. Obviously, things exacerbate, and that's when the government assholes come a' knockin'.

This movie feels more like a Stephen King story than the original. It has psychics, bullies, conspiracies, and a few unsettling bits scattered throughout. I actually found it pretty well done, but it didn't seem to make much of a dent in theaters. As far as King remakes go, this one is way better than the likes of Pet Sematary. I'll even place it higher than "It", and definitely higher than "It Chapter 2". Those movies are hella overrated. Firestarter 2022 is underrated.

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Children of the Living Dead (2001)

Children of the Living Dead (2001) is the most retarded movie I have ever seen in my entire life. That is all. Kirk out.

Tobin Bell returns for Saw 10?

Any theories thus far? Oh, I know... how about a flashback? This guy will have done 20 years worth of shit in the few months between his cancer diagnosis and death, or however long that was.

Also, what's the verdict on that last entry, Spiral? More of the same?

Auntie Lee's Meat Pies 1992

Karen Black leads a satanic cult of sexy chicks in some psycho house in the middle of nowhere. She grinds up hapless travelers into meat pies to sell to people. People like the sheriff, Pat Morita. Mister Miyagi himself, but with a very Americanized accent, which is plenty amusing in itself.

There are hotties in this movie, but as far as my weary eyes could figure, none of them got naked, which is fucking stupid. I wanted to see these women nude. But the opening scene is plenty amusing. It involves one of the knocked-out girls getting raped by a crude fugitive. She wakes up and apathetically stabs him in the head with something and doesn't think twice about it. This isn't a movie you should even think once about. He's just pie ingredients.

A highlight of the movie is Michael Berryman's performance. He plays a toothless retard servant. Pretty classy guy in real life though.

So as awesome as this movie sounds, it's mostly boring with a few kills sprinkled throughout to keep it from being a complete waste of time. Sounds like just about everything I look for in a trash epic.

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The Omen 4: The Awakening 1991

I've avoided this one for a while because I heard it was shit. Then, I began to realize that I like shitty things. Furthermore, I don't even like the other sequels in this series, so there's no real hype to live up to. This is a Canadian made-for-tv 90s movie, after all. There's no way this could be good.

Co-directed by H5's Dominique Othenin-Girard, this movie is bound to feel weird. The new demon spawn is a little girl this time, and it's easy to draw parallels to the Bad Seed. Our pending antichrist is Delia, and she's fun to watch. But after a while, she takes a backseat as the rest of the film follows her mother's descent into madness over satanic babies. There are a few kills scattered throughout, and the end is a different take on the first movie's ending. But since it's basically the same ending, there's no real impact and you'll walk away completely indifferent to the whole experience.

For what it's worth, I probably enjoyed this one more than 2 or 3. Those movies are boring. Almost as boring as this review.

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13 Fanboy 2021

Directed by Debi Sue Voorhees of F13-5 fame, this movie is about an obsessive fan who targets the ladies of the F13 movies. It's a total fan film, so the production values are pretty low. It's made on decent equipment, but it still comes off as amateur and uninteresting.

For some reason, Dee Wallace is the main character, even though she wasn't in any F13 movie, but they try to pretend that she was? I'm not sure on her connection because I zoned out a few times. I guess she's pals with the director, who funny enough is barely in this movie.

It's also funny how desperate Kane Hodder is to show other sides of his "acting" abilities. While his role as himself tries to do that by making him empathetic and kind-hearted, it falls flat, since none of the characters have any true weight to them. His appearance felt purely patronizing.

C.J. Graham is another Jason actor here who provides an okay brawl with the cliche villain. It's funny when Dee is speaking to him and they cut to her exclusively, and she's looking way up there on account of his height. lawlz.

It's a pretty boring movie overall. I almost gave it a 1 right off the bat, but I felt I should be fair. It deserves at least a 2, but where are the boobies? I feel like this movie wanted to have an impact of being meta in the sense of Wes Craven's New Nightmare, but it failed miserably.

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My Amityville Horror 2012

If you're interested in the Amityville horror story of George and Kathy Lutz, here's a documentary from the perspective of their son Daniel Lutz. There's a lot of debate of whether it's real or not, and this documentary doesn't push us any closer to the truth. It shows us that Daniel has never truly gotten over the experience, and he firmly believes in the weird happenings.

In addition to his firm belief in the paranormal presence, there's also a lot of shade thrown at George Lutz, ego-centric ex-marine and poor step-father figure with otherworldly interests. He was said to have books on the occult and even accused by Daniel of having telekinetic abilities. With that said, there is the assumtion that George was a catalyst for any hostile spirits.

I can't say I believe any of it happened, but I do believe that Daniel belives it happened. Some believe that the 1979 film and several decades have affected his recollection of the real events, but he has described some eerie incidents not featured in the movie. He also mentions that after the incident and more domestic troubles, he went to live in some church where the priests beat him and performed exorcisms on him. Yikes!

I don't know. He seems pretty fucked in the head, but at least he's a good guitarist. It's surprising considering the window incident that crushed his fingers only seemingly damaging the pinky finger, but it sounds like everyone was in hysterics while that bit was happening, and ghost ladies were walking through the house and whatnot...

It's a decent yarn, but there is room to poke holes in all of this Amityville horror talk. It features Lorraine Warren, and confirms that no tenant since has experienced any weirdness in the house.

Do you believe any of it? Or was George doing it for the money?

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Terror Train 2022

A Tubi original! That ought to tell you enough, but I'll ramble anyway. It's almost a beat-for-beat remake of the 1980 film, so one might ask the valid question, "Why bother?"

One (in)significant change was setting it on Halloween instead of New Years Eve. That allows the costume party to make more sense, even though I never really questioned it in the original. New Years was simply another holiday to exploit, and the swip-swap makes no real difference.

If everything is the same as the original, then you know what happens. However, the end plays out a bit differently. This is mostly so the producers can say, "Look! Our film isn't exactly the same!". Hell, this movie even ends on an extremely predictable cliche, as if the movie couldn't be any more generic.

With all that said, this movie has no real reason to exist. The original is superior.

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Halloween Ends 2022 - SPOILERS

This is the SPOILER thread. There are SPOILERS in this thread, because it is the SPOILER thread.



Did you get that? The part about the SPOILERS? Okay. I did like the protege angle. The opening was a shocker, but that evil manifested, really emphasizing that Christine comparison. Plus, there's the whole car salvage yard, bullies, girl problems, and gradual madness. I think Corey was a good character. Shit on by everyone, you want to root for him. Possibly even more so once Michael finds him a kindred spirit.

It is weird to see Michael as a feeble bum, but it also evens the playing field a bit. His interactions with Corey were highly amusing, because Michael is known as a solo act. One of his only comparable moments of sympathy before was in H8 when he gives the clown admirer his knife, but that movie is incredibly half-assed compared to this movie.

The bodycount was much lower this time around. When you think about it, Michael only kills what... three people? I do like how it rejuvenated his weakened body a bit though, but he was still too fucked up from his Kills injuries to be at 100%. And this movie retroactively removes one of his HK kills, just like HK removed Hawkins from the H'18 bodycount. I still don't know how that black lady could have survived that neck wound, but whatev. Nice touch to really guilt Laurie.

I'm not quite sure why the end was so divisive to audiences. Did they want him to seem dead, then come back to life? They seemed pretty pissed when that happened in HK. Did they want Laurie to die? Or both of them to kill each other? What did the audience want to happen? For what it's worth, it was a very cathartic end. I don't think any of us really wanted Michael to wind up being supernatural. He was just a tough motherfucker, but always a man.

Squirm 1976

More animal horror. Yeah, bugs count when there are a bunch of them, and there are a bunch of screaming worms with sharp teeth. Already, the movie sounds stupid as hell, right? Well, it's actually surprisingly watchable.

After a major storm in Georgia, the worms are squirming amok. Some nerd visits from NY and finds out firsthand how dangerous a worm can be when provoked. Throw in a skeptical sheriff, an irritable retarded handyman, and a few piles of bones and there's a story in there somewhere.


I think this movie had some influence on The Faculty. There's a part where worms are digging into some dude's face and the effect is pretty cool, much like that final bit in The Faculty. Also, I used to think the guy on the poster art for Squirm was Josh Hartnett, but I knew it couldn't have been since the years were a big mismatch.

The worms are gross though. And there are so damn many of them!

The amount of sea worms used in the film was countless, as the production would order shipments of 250,000 Glycera worms at a time. The production would end up wiping out the New England fishing industry's supply of Glycera worms that year.

And whereas I'm not so sure about that ozone connection in Day of the Animals, there is at least some scientific basis for the chaos in this movie:

The inspiration for the film came from a childhood experiment between director Jeff Lieberman and his brother. One evening the two hooked up a train transformer to wet soil and used the electricity to drive hundreds of worms out of the ground. Young Lieberman noticed that the worms tried to get away from the glare of the flashlight that the boys were using to see by because worms are sensitive to light. It became the scientific basis behind this film and the story of the experiment is re-told by the character of Roger Grimes.

Pretty decent track record for director Jeff Lieberman. He seemed a tad annoyed when I'd mentioned that I haven't seen Squirm yet, so I had to remedy that. Good flick.

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