Describe a movie's plot in a unique way.

I've been updating some movie info on the database over the last few weeks and one of the things was plot descriptions. Most of them were scraped from imdb's pages, but they can be too vauge or too long-winded. There's an art to movie descriptions. Think of them like on the back of a VHS cover. It has to be somewhat precise in order to fit between the pictures. It also needs to make the movie sound as awesome as possible.

Think of a movie you really like. How would you (spoiler-free) describe the plot to make it sound as interesting as possible? As trashy as possible?

Anything anybody posts will be the official TE description of the movie, because the imdb plots need to GO.



Quick example, as I'm watching one of my favorites right now, Poolboy. I'd describe the plot as such:

After the war, a racist Vietnam vet returns to Los Angeles to reclaim the pool cleaning business that has been monopolized by evil Mexicans.

Not too long, not too short. Buzz words. Pieces laid out.

I buried my pet chicken today

Yeah, that's right. I had a pet chicken. She wandered into my backyard one day and my whole family fell in love with her. Most people would probably think of chickens as stupid, but this hen was something else. She liked to hang out with humans, she let you pet her and pick her up, she came when you called her, she ate all the bugs in the backyard, and she gave us some delicious eggs to eat.

It was only 24 hours ago that I took her bug hunting in the backyard, but shortly after that, my dumb ass decided to take a daytime nap so I'd be prepared for the night shift, and that's when an animal wandered into my backyard and ripped her apart. I never thought I'd be so sad about a damn chicken, but she was fucking cool as hell. Rest in peace, Lucy.

The Batman Review

It's a wise choice to separate Batman from the rest of DC's shitty characters. The Snyder movies suck and Ben Affleck is a joke, proving that Batman works better as a standalone character. The most interesting part of Batman is that he isn't a superhero. He's simply very good at what he does, so there's no need to bog him down with magic and mysticism. He's an armored vigilante detective, and that's what this movie is all about.

From early on, I knew this movie was the type of Batman movie I wanted. Sure, the Nolan movies were great, but their version of Gotham is still pretty clean and sterile compared to the world Reeves creates. Nolan was said to have been inspired visually by Blade Runner, and while there's definitely a lot more evident Blade Runner aesthetic in Reeves' movie, I think it's safe to say he had an arguably stronger influence from Alex Proyas's The Crow. Gotham City nights are rainy, drenched in a black and orange Halloween palette.

The film begins on Halloween and lingers for a few days into November. Batman has established himself as a brooding force to be reckoned with, while Bruce Wayne is a recluse who has no time for his family business. None of the other movies tackled the idea of him being a detective, and that's who he always has been, first and foremost. Hell, he does hail from Detective Comics. He's never been so much of a detective as he was someone who conveniently cracked a vital clue on a whim. The Batman is a street-level crime noir about a Zodiac-inspired madman holding a city secret hostage while crime families get implicated. Batman gets into it with them, and a story unfolds.

It's the tone that really makes it. The film shows the underbelly of Gotham like we've never seen before. It's somber, hopeless, creepy, artsy, guerilla, and grunge at the same time. The casting proves flawless, and somehow, this movie does the unthinkable. It has a memorable score! Holy shit, Hollywood! Take a cue!

There are certain aspects of Batman mythology that are omitted. I wont point them out, but you'll notice their absence, but it wont bother you. You wont miss those aspects that can convolute the plot, because the pacing keeps you on track. It doesn't feel like 3 hours. I was waiting for a whole next act, which must mean that I didn't quite realize that I was at the end of the movie as it was ending, but maybe that's a good thing? Maybe it means Hollywood is starting to get experimental again? Maybe it means I'm dumb as shit?

One thing is for sure. This movie is an experience. There was a lot of hype over the last few years. I think people were willing to give Pattinson the benefit of the doubt, and even I wasn't sure about him once I saw the costume, but I began to love the design as I saw it in action.

Nolan's effort was a game-changer, undeniably. Once that comic-movie barrier was broken and these movies realized they could be more cinematic and less kiddie-centric, comic movies could be trusted to make both a high box office and favorable reviews. I don't think kids would understand this movie. They make toys and action figures for this demographic who probably wont stay awake throughout the whole thing, but this movie isn't made for them at all. The crew said it was pushing PG-13 to the limits, but we'd probably never notice what those limits are on account of the shit we watch. It never felt pussified though. I'm not sure an R-rated cut would have had much more of an impact than the version we got, but I certainly wouldn't oppose one. DC actually makes movies for adults, in case you've forgotten. If it's a Batman spin-off, they'll risk an R-rating, but I'm not sure we'll ever see live-action Batman himself in something greater than PG-13 because they want those youngins in the seats.

Way to go, WB. You've reinvented the same character for the dozenth time, and you STILL have my interest. Sequel? Yes please. Penguin show ordered on HBO MAX? Yes please. Collin Farrell is clearly inspired by De Palma and Scorsese crime figures, which is a great thing. Riddler was a total creep with a good twist, and Catwoman was sexy again. Anne Hathaway was completely unmemorable, so Zoe finally channeled the amazing Pfeiffer performance that everyone since has been ignoring. Alfred's there too, but he doesn't have much time to shine. Finally, the last notable character is Jeffrey Wright's Jim Gordon, who's basically as perfect of a fit for the character as Gary Oldman.

Subsequent viewings may easily confirm the idea that this movie will beat out the Nolan movies. It's Batman as he needs to be, without the Bruce Wayne subplots bogging him down. It looks like Chicago, but feels like a dream. The city really takes on a life of its own, and it's these vibes that make The Batman a great way to kill 3 hours.

#Review

2022 Documentary Challenge

So as suggested by Box, we're going to do a mini challenge for February. For those in the mood for a spot of learning for the rest of the month, make your spot below.

1 point for every minute watched of any documentary (minimum duration of 30 minutes).

Add 10 points for a documentary about a dark subject matter.

Add 20 points for a documentary about the horror genre or a specific horror movie.

Add 30 points for any documentary on Black History. You can also include documentaries on black/African-American culture, celebrities and personalities.

Get an extra 25 bonus points for a FTV.

DVD and Blu-ray commentaries and mockumentaries/pseudo-documentaries will not be allowed on this occasion.

The Documentary Challenge will begin Saturday 12th February and end on Saturday 26th.

Spontaneous (2020)

This is a horror-ish... dramedy? That's a pretty good word for it. It's about a school where the kids in the senior class keep spontaneously exploding. They just sort of pop, VERY abruptly, with no warning at all. Anyone could do it, at any moment, there is no way of knowing when it will happen. The movie never even really explains why it happens, exactly... it's mostly about how the kids deal with their knowledge of their own mortality.

Katherine Langford, who was in Knives Out, does a really good job here, I think. She's hilarious. She reminds me of a young Kate Winslet, and/or maybe a younger Erika Christensen. She plays a girl in the senior class, who has to deal with the fact that her friends keep exploding. They EXPLODE, by the way, like they are extra large trash bags full of blood, dropped from a very tall building. They don't burst into flame. The word spontaneous kept making me think of spontaneous combustion, but no one combusts. They just BURST.

I think it is clandestinely a commentary on school shootings... I THINK. I'm not totally sure. I'm pretty sure that that's at least a part of it, because they had a few lines that clearly allude to school shootings. But, there might be more than that, going on... it's a pretty clever movie, I am not confident that I can absolutely nail everything it was trying to say in this review. It could be about teen suicide, in a Heathers sort of way. I was reminded of Heathers now and then. Also, I was reminded of Jennifer's Body, and maybe even Clueless, a little... I'm just trying to say, female friendship of girls of high school age is an important part of the movie. I feel bad for my nieces, when I think about this movie... yeesh.

I feel like I should mention Warm Bodies... just the sense of humor, and one scene in particular... I won't spoil it too much.

The government hears about all the kids exploding, and steps in and pretends it has a clue about what to do. So, that's pretty funny. Eventually they (the government people) figure out a strategy that seems to work, but there's a hell of a lot of carnage before they do. The high school kids get to cop an attitude about the government people, that seemed to be the main point of having them show up, for the purposes of the movie. Oh yeah, I was reminded of the 1984 Repo Man a little, mostly just that secret agent government lady who says "People just explode. Natural causes!" If you picture her showing up in Clueless or Heathers, and saying that line, you'll have a fair idea of what to expect from the movie.

Anyways, it's a pretty respectable effort at movie-making! I hope everyone who was involved is happy about how it turned out. I don't think you would be unhappy about watching it. Check it out!

Nightbeast 1982

This Troma movie is mildly amusing. An asshole alien crashlands in redneck territory and kills everyone it comes across. A massive gunfight erupts in which several mobile rednecks fire against the stationary Nightbeast, who is blasting his ray gun recklessly and excessively in all directions. Of course, when one of his rays hits a human, the human glows bright before disintigrating, because that's the funny way to do it. So not only is this alien not moving from his spot, but his face doesn't move at all either.

Clearly, they only had enough money to sculpt a mask and some arm/hand pieces for this creature, who otherwise wears a silver space suit. They claim he wants to eat flesh, but he's a wasteful motherfucker on account of all the people he simply vaporizes instead of eats. If he isn't blasting them with his pew-pew gun, he's murdering them in violent ways, using his sharp claws to disembowel them or rip their heads off (which yields some humorously bad SFX at times).

Interspersed throughout the film are subplots, one involving some abusive asshole's desire to bang his woman if her attitude permits, otherwise beat her to death. Then we have a random "sensual" love scene between our ugly dullard sheriff and his blond fluezy deputy. She takes her top off to take a shower and clearly doesn't hide it from him, then when she gets to doing the dirty with him, she takes off her towel to reveal herself as if she didn't just do that a minute ago. She was a terrible actress.

So basically, a mostly impervious alien wanders around with no clear agenda as everybody panics and gets killed by it. Then our dreadful heroes decide at random that it can only be killed by electricity and boom. The movie's over.

#Review

Found Footage Challenge 2021/22 - Rules / Progress Thread

So here is the topic where all those who are interested for these type of movies can sign up. Since December is a busy month for some I got the permission to let this challenge last for 2 months starting December 1st until 31st January 2022.

What kind of movies are allowed:

• Found footage: people went missing or dead and there is footage found that shows what happened before their fate was sealed (Blair Witch Project, Cannibal Holocaust, The McPherson Tape)
• Documentary/Mockumentary style: this also includes the faux and pseudo documentaries where people are fooled in believing what is presented is real, also includes fake news (Mondo Cane, Faces of Death, Without Warning)
• POV filmed: well self-explanatory I guess where the dude or gal filming everything that happens is also a character in the movie (84 Charlie MoPic, REC, Trolljegeren)
• Home Video style: All kind of flicks where the viewer gets an insight into the life of a person or family who consider themselves interesting enough to be filmed, real or set up and done by amateurs (Man Bites Dog, David Holzman's Diary, Paul Calf's Video Diary)
• Filmed with handcam, mobile devices like tablet or moblie phone, webcam and any other device that are not meant for professional filmmaking (Unfriended, Host)
• The flicks in this database: https://foundfootagecritic.com/hubs/hub-films/

You get 1 point per watched minute. This means shorts and episodes of TV shows are also allowed as long as they apply to the above rules.
A FTV gives a bonus of 50%. For example movie that lasts 90 minutes = 90 + 45 points. When the duration is uneven take 50% + 0,5. 91 minutes = 91 + 46 points.

I hope this will be a fun experience.

Dr. Chopper (2005)

I have never noticed anybody posting about Dr. Chopper here. I have not seen it in a while, but I definitely remember that it would fit in pretty well with a lot of the other movies we talk about. The title supposedly means that the evil doctor in the movie rides a chopper/motorcycle, but there is also a lot of horror movie style chopping going on.

It is no masterpiece, by anyone's standards, but it might be worth a watch if you are looking for a "so bad it's good" movie. Hmmm, OK, I see that on YouTube it is available in Italian, but not in English. That might actually improve the experience of watching, as long as you DON'T speak Italian...

It's pretty much the usual formula, a bunch of kooky, wacky, wild and crazy college kids go out into the great outdoors to stay at a remote cabin, have sex and get drunk, and things go really, really, really, really, really, really, really wrong. The psycho killer is some kind of doctor who wants to hack people up for parts, and use the parts to prolong his own life. He has at least a couple of cute babes to assist him, and if I recall directly, they all just generally ride around on motorcycles and raise havoc.

If you liked... hmmm, let's see... Turistas, Cabin Fever, Autopsy (a 2008 Robert Patrick medical horror movie), maybe Human Centipede, then this could be worth a watch. It also sort of reminds me of the segment in V/H/S where the bunch of college kids goes camping with some girl they don't really know, and yucky things happen to them all. It was directed by Lewis Schoenbrun, and stars Ed Brigadier, Costas Mandylor, and Chelsey Crisp, among others, if any of that helps you track it down or remember it. Here's a Making Of video about it, you can decide if it looks like something you'd want to check out.

Do you have any normies in your life...?

...who just can't fathom why anybody would enjoy gory movies? Like you must be some sort of sicko who enjoys real life violence. How do you explain the difference? Damn near 20 years ago I did watch a real life decapitation online, and it bummed me the fuck out. I don't ever want to see anything like that again. But in a fictional movie, I love a good old fashioned decapitation! How hard is this to understand?

a less-famous edgar allen poe story, filmed: M. Valdemar

This pretty cool. The Hammer Horror films twitter account just posted this, but it looks like it's an Italian film... my first guess was Spansih or Portuguese, I had to check. Anyway, they describe this as the first gore film, from 1936. This clip is two minutes long. https://twitter.com/HorrorHammer1/status/1497085961397837824