Return Of The Living Dead LITE



Just once, I'd love to see an awesome, legendary horror film come along and impress us all while making plenty of money for everyone without studio greed and desperation rearing its ugly head. Why can't they ever just say "Great job, guys! Let us know if you have anymore ideas". Nope! Success means that success must be Xeroxed at all costs. And as many times as possible. If it made money, there must be an attempt at repeating the formula to milk a few more bucks out of the biggest fans. One or more sequels CAN be fine, but some movies just need to be left the hell alone! If that's just not an option, then maybe don't make a watered-down rehash. This is often something that can cheapen the greatness of the original in the eyes of many. A hard thing to do in this case, as this particular original is pretty much perfect, in my opinion. 1985's Return Of The Living Dead is pure 80's greatness. One of, if not the greatest 80's horror film of all time. 1988's Return Of The Living Dead Part II, on the other hand. Well, let's just say this movie is what late 80's horror is all about: Beating a dead horse!

Not to say the original movie was a dead horse, or something nobody cared about, but it already happened. It came and went. People had seen it. This extremely watered-down sequel was just a prime example of the dwindling creativity from a nearly dead heyday for the genre. Those last couple of years didn't offer us a hell of a lot in terms of quality or originality. However, one might think a movie like Return Of The Living Dead Part II could have an advantage, getting to ride the coattails of its predecessor. Financially? Yeah, I guess. As a fan, knowing an already weak movie is not only connected to such a masterpiece, but completely dependant on it, makes it come off all the weaker. Nowhere near the worst thing from the latter part of the 80's. Not even close. But keeping the original in mind? Yeah, get the fuck outta here with that!

I think the most noticable difference between this movie and the original is that this one is completely devoid of that nightmarish tone which has been replaced by a tone of silliness and parody. The original was hilarious, but there was a noticeable balance. No more "spooky" delinquent teenagers. Instead, we got these little kids. Two dicks and some little pussy, who, for some reason, is the main character. After the pussy kid runs away from the dicks, they all stumble across a barrel under a bridge, which has been misplaced by the Army. The head dick locks the pussy in a mausoleum, and the two dicks go back and open the barrel, infecting themselves and unleashing the inevitable Trioxin into the air, infecting the nearby graveyard.

The pussy can't get out of the mausoleum until a couple of grave robbers break in and catch him, allowing him to eventually run out. The two grave robbers are portrayed by James Karen and Thom Matthews, who are, more or less, playing the same characters from the first movie. Don't get me wrong. Those guys are great. They made the original even better than it would have been, but wedging them into this one feels like the director is saying "Yeah, I know this movie is lame, but at least these guys came back". Yes, they definitely made this movie better as well, but their presence only makes me take this movie even less seriously. And don't even get me started on the Tarman cameo...

The pussy figures out what is going on and aims to get in touch with the Army before things get out of hand, but is endlessly hindered by his idiot sister. As we witness the resurrection of a bunch of goofy-looking zombies to a really annoying soundtrack, the grave robbers are, of course, also infected. After the pussy informs the Army of all the chaos, he, his sister and some guy run into the now hysterical grave robbers, who are pretty much fucked by now. However, they still think medical attention will make a difference. In reality, it is too late for them. But we already know that because we've seen the first movie. Pussy and pals hook the grave robbers up with a doctor, but it's no use. As they wander off and become undead, the pussy, his sister, some guy and the doctor rush to find a way to help stop the madness. Ultimately, this leads to the pussy standing up to an undead version of the head dick from earlier, giving us the closure we never knew we needed.

I will say one nice thing about this movie. It has what might be my all-time favorite cover/poster. I remember being a little kid, looking through the horror section at my local video store when this first came out. Creepy covers such as Rosemary's Baby and Fright Night stand out in my memory. None stimulated my imagination more than Return Of The Living Dead Part II. I remember renting "Night" and "Return", and then thinking "Wow! THAT one must be the scariest movie ever made". I'm not sure why I never rented this sequel, but some years later, I remember catching the last half of it on FOX one Saturday afternoon, and thinking to myself, "Hmmmmm... ok, then".

The only thing I hate more than a cash grab is an obvious cash grab. That and lame dad humor. This sequel has not only managed to replace the genuinely scary tone of the original with comedy, but really bad comedy. Like when the zombie and the guy were struggling on the floor, only for both of them to stop in their tracks and become mesmerized by the aerobics chick on tv, leading to all the zombies doing the same. You would think it was full blown porn, going by their reaction. The Harry Truman gag was almost clever. Never mind the zombie who fell for it only looked to be dead a few months. I get that it's not a realistic movie to begin with, but come on! That thing would be nothing but bones if the last President he remembered was Truman. The jokiness of it all, along with the obvious attempt at a PG-13 rating should have discouraged anyone who might have expected a half decent sequel. And being so dependant on the ideas of the original while completely discarding it, makes this all the more unlikable to me. It's no wonder why, years later, they made it a point to get away from anything resembling either of these movies with part 3. Now, that's how it's done! I can't praise that one enough. And as for 4 and 5... Well, that's another story. And I'll go ahead and let someone else tell that one. I just don't have the heart for it. And to think things actually get worse than THIS shit. Sometimes, it really is for the best to quit while you're ahead. 3/10



#Review

Winnie the Pooh

The fact that this movie exists is wonderful. It's a big middle finger to Disney, and they deserve it. When you get around to watching the actual movie, you'll find it's a very mixed bag. The concept is a big lolwtf pitch, and the plot is amazing: a bunch of girls go to a secluded house in the woods and some bad stuff happens. We don't need to reinvent the wheel here, so we wont. We know we're watching a slasher movie, and this movie doesn't try to put on any airs. It really is as dumb as it sounds.

Pros: Gratuitous hotties and violence. Adequate slasher characters. Cool animated opening recap. Ominous woodland setting. Short runtime. The selfy character was hot and had some good boobs.

Cons: Very minimal nudity. Bad lighting. You can't tell what's going on half the time. Gore is hard to see. Poor cinematography and shaky cam. Drawn out scenes.

This movie is better in theory than execution. The nature of this project is something I felt must contribute to, though. To support my local theater and to support stupid bullshit movie ideas.

#Review

Return of the Living Dead II or.....C'mon, Sequels Need Love 2

OK, I'm not a complete moron (a half moron, yes) so I gather most folks don't like that the scales tip more toward comedy this time around, and that, after the absolute classic the first is, that chances are a sequel was just gonna pale in comparison.

But hear me out (read me out)

I've made it very clear (annoyingly so, I'm sure) that I'm a ROTLD fanatic. I think about that movie or some facet of that movie at least once a week. However, ROTLD 2 means nearly as much to me, but perhaps more for nostalgic reasons than anything. It was the first horror movie I ever saw in the theater. It scared the everliving piss outta me. I didn't see the original until a few years after that, but the way I see it, part 2 has always been a great companion piece to the first. Ok, I realize I could come off as being bias.

I watched it a few nights ago so that's why I'm writing this. I still love the movie. It has a lot to like in it and when I see people bashing it it does leave me scratching my head.

For starters, I think the movie is actually a bit creepier than its rep suggests. Yeah, there are some pretty hokey comedy bits thrown in, but when the film does want to scare you, I think it does an admirable job. Tarman 2.0 surprisingly outdoes the original Tarman, lookin' like an animated glob of molasses from hell. Another part that kinda sends a chill down your spine (if you allow it to) is when a zombie tries to trick our cast of characters into "coming to the hospital" but is outed upon answering Harry Truman after being asked who is the current US president.

Special fx, blood, zombie make-up and pus are better than ever, and perhaps in some ways even ickier and more elaborate than the original. But of course, that doesn't necessarily make the movie. It's just icing on the cake. Musical score? If we're talking the original score and not....whatever the shit we hear on the WB DVD is...is memorable, distinct, lively and with loads of personality. This is no dull score. Music can make or break a movie, in my opinion.

The pacing is nuts. Seriously, it's some of the zaniest, wildest, most delerious pacing in any movie ever. Broad claim, but I think it's true. This bad boy starts with a bang almost immediately and never lets up. The scene where our cast of heroes all first meet up at Jesse's house, deal with the decapitated zombie head ("get that damn screwdriver, OUT of mah head!"), go to Doc Mandel's house (best character in the movie) to get his car and play hot potato with a zombie's severed hand is exactly what I'm talking about: it's so over the top and fun, it tickles my movie-loving pickle in all the right places.

I'm not expecting to change anyone's opinion, just voicing my own and some of the reasons why I think this sequel is rather underrated. It isn't bad. It just isn't the original. The re-casting of Thom Matthews and James Karen in different roles was always a neat touch, despite the fact that Mr. Karen was given better lines (and probably better direction) as Burt in the original. Linnea Quigley (and her, um, quiggleys) are sorely missing, but we have one of my favorite ultimate 80s chicks Suzanne Snyder instead playing the bitchy hair metal girlfriend lookin' like she'd rather be on the set of the new Whitesnake video. The music is pretty good too, with some Robert Palmer tunes, a great opening song by Julian Cope that really sets the tone, and a cool party remix of Monster Mash to close out the film. Anthrax even sneaks in, though you'd have to have a good ear to catch their ode to Cliff Burton being snuck in.

All in all, love, love, love it.

Lovecraftian Douglas Adams

I was just thinking about something from the Douglas Adams book Life, The Universe, And Everything. There's a part about a guy named Prak who was supposed to be some kind of witness in a big legal case. They gave him a truth serum to ensure that he didn't BS them, and they made him swear to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." But, the problem was, someone bumped into the medic administering the truth serum, so he got WAAAYYYYY too big of a dose.

Somehow, the truth serum did something to his "doors of perception," and he was able to perceive the entire Truth about the whole universe. So, when they told him to start telling the truth, he just started talking, and revealing the darkest secrets about the true nature of the universe, and he JUST COULDN'T STOP. The people who were in the courtroom with him mostly went crazy, or killed themselves, from the shock and horror of all that Truth.

I was just thinking, what a Lovecraftian story that is! How does that Lovecraft quote go... it's something like "the most merciful thing in the universe is the inability of the tiny human mind to correlate and understand the true reality of the cosmos." Lovecraft had a real thing about the possible age of the universe, as many of us here know. Instead of it being five or six thousand years old, as it says in the Bible, Lovecraft was very interested in the universe being "vigintillions" of years old. I'm pretty sure no one thinks it's that old today, the consensus seems to be that it's about thirteen billion years old.

But, the thing is, that idea that knowledge of the true insignificance of mankind would be enough to drive us all absolutely out of our minds, if we spent much time thinking about it.... it's just a very Lovecraftian idea. I don't think I've ever really thought about that before.

If you want to google this, try googling Prak Argabuthon truth, not in quotes. That should do it.

An animal? AN ANIMAL?!

That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! Jesus Christ...


I don't know, Scotty. An animal in the basement of a secluded cabin in the woods in the middle of fucking nowhere doesn't sound all that implausible to me.

And then a minute later he's all like "yeah, you're probably right. It's probably just some animal."

What the fuck is this guy's deal?

Iron Man 2 and 3, parallels with the Lethal Weapon movies

Wasn't there a thread about this already? Maybe I posted something in the shout box. Anyway, I'm just thinking about this subject. Iron Man 2 has a LOT of stuff drawn from Lethal Weapon 2, especially the ending in the shipyard. Iron Man 3, which I have on right now, has a scene that is like a combination of scenes from Lethal Weapon 1 and 2. It combines the scene where the helicopter attacks Tom Atkins' house, in Lethal Weapon 1, with the scene where Riggs and Murtaugh destor the house on stilts, in LW2. I bet there are other things... I remember noticing a bunch of them one time, not too long ago. Possibly within thelast six months or so.

Anyway, had to share. Try watching the first two Lethal Weapon movies and Iron Man 2 and 3 within a few days sometimes, and see if you notice anything else.

Terrifier

This is a pretty new clown/slasher movie that came onto netflix recently, and it had a bit of hype to it, so I went for it. It's got a throwback look to it, excessive gore, decent characters, and of course... one hell of a villain.

He's basically just a black and white painted mime, but he looks creepy enough, and has a big nose and bloody teeth, because he eats people's faces and whatnot... wears people's skin and hair... you know, whatever floats his boat. He'll brutally murder someone one second, then ride a tiny tricycle for laughs.

Most of the movie is dark and twisted, and while the plot isn't anything special, the execution and pacing are great. It isn't a long movie, and once it starts, it doesn't let up. Still, you know you're a sick fuck when you find some of his antics funny.

I kinda predicted the ending, but it's still a pretty good way to go out. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw more Terrifier movies. It looks like franchise material.

Valentines Day...

Hmmm right, so I figured in honor of the holiday why not show the soft underbelly of VPIR and create a post asking your top 3 chick flicks/romance type of films. Not a fan of the genre but I have been forced/coerced at times by lady friends to watch films of the sort in the past and not only did I end up liking these films, I'm man enough to admit they made me misty in the process. Go ahead, call me super 80s ghey in the replies and list your 3...here's mine.

1) Million Dollar Hotel (2000)
2) Amelie (2001)
3) Untamed Heart (1993)

Deadly Blessing (1981)

This movie is available on Tubi right now. That's where I saw it.

It's an early-ish Wes Craven movie, and, um.... well, it's complicated. It's hard to know exactly what to say about it.

You can tell from the background music, the way everybody dresses, and their hair, that this movie comes out of the late 70s. It might have laid some of the groundwork for Children of the Corn, but it just has major 70s vibes throughout. One of the main characters, played by babe Maren Jensen, reminds me a LOT of Amy Irving in The Fury.

It's basically a story about a young couple who live in a farmhouse, mostly surrounded by neighbors who belong to some kind of religious sect called the Hittites. (The real Hittites were an ancient civilization in what we call Turkey today. I think maybe Wes Craven wanted to have the sect be Hutterites, but he didn't want to get sued, so he just changed the name a little). Anyway, the sect is a lot like the Amish or Mennonites. If that's what you expect to see, your expectations will be about right.

They are led by their stern, intolerant pastor, played by Ernest Borgnine. Throughout the movie, he comes across as an antagonist, and generally an unsympathetic bad guy. But, don't get too judgy, because... well, just don't.

The sect is always talking about something called the Incubus, which is some kind of demon that they think is threatening everybody's souls.

Maren Jensen has some sort of past history from the world outside of the rural farming area where the story is set. Early in the film, a couple of her old friends come to visit. One of them is played by Sharon Stone! It's her first movie where she talks. She looks so young. Anyway, they show up to visit, shortly after Maren J's character's husband, who is a former Hittite, gets mysteriously killed in a tractor accident.

There are other characters in the movie, people who aren't in the Hittite sect. Various people seem to really hate each other, so you might get the feeling there could be some violence and murder in this movie. And, well, yah, you shouldn't rule that out.

So, what can I say without wrecking it. Well, for me, it was a little too complicated, and it didn't quite come together enough to really make sense. I suspect that Wes Craven had a solid master plan, but somehow it was interfered with... maybe he ran out of money halfway through, or an important cast member got sick or injured, or studio higher-ups got involved and made him film things in some way that veered away from his master plan. It must be something like that, some random thing that messed with his plan. I just don't think Wes C would make a movie that makes this little sense.

It does have scary moments. Also, it is kind of worth seeing just to see a movie that co-stars Ernest
Borgnine, Sharon Stone, and Michael Berryman... that sounds so strange, to think of them together in one movie. It also has hints of a Rosemary's Baby or The Omen -ish type of plot or subplot, possibly left over from an early draft of the script. Or maybe that was Wes C's intention, from the beginning, to film a sort of Amish Omen movie, but for whatever reason he had to veer away from his plan.

Anyway, it could be worth seeing if you feel like speculating about what might have gone wrong filming it, or if you are in the mood to see some babes. But, I can't really give it two thumbs up.

There you have it.

Infinity Pool

I really liked this sci-fi horror. Dark, creepy and surprisingly unpredictable.