Take Note: Site will experience downtime

My webhost just informed me that they'll be discontinuing support for the version of php I'm using to run this dump. What this means is that I'll have to go through every line of code on here to make sure it's up to date.

Hopefully, this wont take as long as it sounds, and I'll be researching the changes necessary to keep the downtime minimal. More on this as it develops.

Million Dollar Baby

Since I haven't been able to find The Next Karate Kid on streaming yet, I decided to revisit another movie in which an old man teaches Hilary Swank how to fight.

This was one of Anthony Mackie's first movies. He played an arrogant boxer in Clint's gym, and he was making fun of her tits for not being big enough. I thought her tits looked alright though.

And to wrap up this long-winded and comprehensive review...

Great fuckin' movie.

It's been fiiiiive years...

...since Bowie passed. I remember waking up and seeing that headline and it was such a shock. The world wasn't ready for that news and it's finally starting to sink in. I've also been waiting five years to make this post. 😦


Five Years, from Ziggy Stardust 1972

Tromafreak's Trashy Top 10 Of 2020



And what a fantastic year to make some cinematic discoveries! They can make us not do a lot of things during a pandemic, but obsessively searching streaming services for random movies at 2 A.M. is not one of them... at least not yet. It's been a dark time, an uncertain time on many levels. A time, if one can, to distract oneself from the harsh realities of the real world and the fake news. Today is the day we're going to take a look at my top ten something or other. Not exactly my ten favorites, per se. Mainly the ones that left an impression, and few that surprised me. They're not all trashy, and they're certainly not all good. However, as you will see, my 2020 was far from uneventful.

1. I got to start out with a bad one. One of, if not the most inept shot-on-video horrors I've come across in recent years. Not to say it's anywhere near the worst, but wow! This one got some issues. And somehow, I went until this year without ever even hearing about Fatal Possession (1995). Not since my discovery of Criminally Insane have I started a bad movie, and within 5 minutes, asked the question "Where have you been all my life?". Or most of it, in this case. Who cares? I have found thee and am forever grateful someone created you. That someone's name is Adeeb Barsoum, and, as I had suspected, Fatal Possession makes up 100% of his "film career". And wouldn't you know, this mystery man of many talents also wrote, produced, shot and edited this abomination. It's easy to believe Mr. Barsoum had never seen any other SOV before this, and possibly never knew they were a thing. Just a feeling I get. It just feels like more of a light-hearted sitcom than anything. I get sort of a Growing Pains vibe from this one.

One thing is clear: This Adeeb guy really wanted to make a movie about Egyptian... stuff? Hey, maybe there's some Blood Feast inspiration in here somewhere. In fact, the acting is pretty much right there in HGL territory. Actually, I'm being kind. It's a lot closer to something like Birdemic or The Room. So, a girl named Ann is possessed (off and on?) by some Egyptian Queen, and has been for years, it seems. Some other spirit talks to her a lot and tells her to do shit through what sounds like an intercom. She gets out of bed a lot and wanders around outside during what it supposed to be night, but is really a blue filter on the camera lens. That's pretty fun. Ann seems to have some positive, supportive friends. They all say, "oh, cool" a lot and seem like some super well-adjusted teens who just want to have a good time. The group recently added a new friend, Nancy, who is a bit too interested in Ann's issues, and may soon prove to be a problem. Not the easiest premise in the world to follow or to describe, but premise be damned. This is all about some amazingly bad execution and an apparent obliviousness to how humans behave. The one dimensional, basic characters with their teeny bopper dialogue gave me quite the laugh worthy of many rewatches to come. 4/10

2. And now for something far, far more professional, yet somehow even weirder. Recently, I watched a movie called Swallow (2019). This one revolves around real-life subject matter I don't think I was even aware of. Apparently, some people really enjoy eating the inedible. Or swallowing things. just things. Though Swallow is also about much more than just that. Swallow seems to be more so about strange compulsions, in general, and what might make a person cling to one they were seemingly long past. Feeling unappreciated, repressed, invisible. Maybe feeling all that wouldn't make just anyone eat a bunch of random shit, but for a pregnant housewife who thinks she found the man/life of her dreams, yet has tons of repressed issues, well, hell. Maybe it's time to just eat some dirt!

Hunter is a mousy little woman. Quiet and polite enough to come off a little sad. Or maybe she's just shy. Whatever it is, she has married into the wrong family. Hunter is very wrapped up in pleasing her husband, Richie. She wants to be perfect for him, which is convenient because it seems to be expected. Such a nice house, so many nice things, no real problems. However, this girl isn't into this life at all. Hunter is trying to pretend hard enough to just make it true. Maybe if there was a little warmth in this house, maybe if Richie could just show that he cares about something besides work or his appearance. Ever see American Psycho? Richie isn't insane or anything, but as far as being a superficial douche, it's a fair comparison. However, Richie isn't as funny or as charismatic. Richie's controlling parents aren't making things any easier as they are obviously the source of the problem. Hunter is miserable, but nobody seems to care enough to notice. It may be time to resort to the one thing she knows will guarantee relief. Time to eat a marble. This escalates to many unusual things being consumed, which genuinely takes the edge off this shitty life. Once Hunter's secret is out, we then see what this marriage is all about. Swallow is, by far, one of the most interesting things I've seen all year. Classy yet extremely odd. It'll really suck you in... so to speak. 6/10

3. How 'bout a western? I've actually discovered several decent ones this year. One in particular from exploitation filmmaker, Al Adamson. Director of Brain Of Blood, as well as several uninteresting horror and biker flicks from the 60's and 70's. It's been a while since I've given one of Adam's films a shot, and I'm glad I did because Jessi's Girls (1975) really did it for me. An exploitation western which would also be fair to describe as a rape-revenge flick. This story is about a Mormon couple who are heading out west to start a life together. Oblivious to the evils of the world, Seth and Jessica Hartwell are about to be made aware of just how evil this world can be. So close to their new life, yet so far, the Hartwells just happen to run into a gang of shitheels that have no intention of letting them pass unscathed. Unfortunately, these guys don't take it easy on those without much to steal. All the couple has to spare is their lives and the wife's vagina. So, Jessica is raped and both are shot and left for dead. However, one of them manages to survive...

Jessica lives. However, the life she had before her has vanished, and the person she was to become, now impossible. Evil destroyed who she was. Once Jessica heals up and gets it together, it becomes evident that hate now lives in her heart. And that hate will no doubt grow until vengeance is fulfilled. While exhausted, driven half crazy and starved, Jessica comes across this Grizzly Adams-type character who helps her out, offers a little advice, and after a little coaxing, teaches her how to shoot like a pro. And as you might have guessed, this girl is a natural. Once prepared, Jessica knows she can't do what she needs to do all by her self, so, she now sets out to find some partners in crime. Jessica shoots a couple of cops who are taking some unruly ladies to jail, earning her loyalty from the would-be prisoners. Now ring leader, Jessica convinces them all that offering their services will be well-rewarded as her targets have money to steal. Nobody has anything to lose but everything to gain. What a damn fine movie! Maybe it's not always a great idea to dismiss someone as a shitty filmmaker if you haven't seen their entire filmography. You never know what you might have overlooked. 7/10

4. Ok, hear me out! I get it. Child's Play didn't need a remake. I'm not saying it should have happened, but did you see that Cabin Fever remake? Elm Street anybody? I mean, come on! It gets much worse than this harmless little thing. I got respect for this one because it's totally its own thing, not trying to recreate anything. In fact, I'd be willing to bet, most people who hate this probably wouldn't if it was called anything else. The story is kept far away from Charles Lee Ray and pals, and I think that was a positive. Maybe, in time, people will see that this one means them no harm. Child's Play (2019) is a less dark, more clever take on the killer doll story. No killer, no voodoo shit. This is more of a "technology gone wrong" situation. It's not exactly clear what has gone wrong at first, but it's definitely technology-related.

One thing this re-imagining does have is an Andy Barclay. A few years older than the little kid from the original, so, he gets to work with more complex dialogue. Last year, Andy wanted one of those new Buddi dolls but never got one. His mother finally managed to swing it, but he's not into that anymore. After some convincing, Andy gives his new toy/friend a shot. These interactive machines can be programmed to not only control all the devices in the house but also be your BFF. For some reason, this doll insists on calling itself Chucky, and that's ok. Andy has little patience for this thing, and is kind of creeped out by it, which is portrayed quite comedically. Qualities like this is what really sets this apart from the other movies, I think. As Andy gets used to his uncomfortably dedicated new pal, he soon learns that he must be careful of what he says and how he says it when around this thing, which is constantly. Like for example, when the cat scratches him, or when his mom's boyfriend pisses him off. This advanced machine understands a lot of things, but right and wrong and figures of speech, not so much. Chucky's friendship with Andy is the only right, and people hurting Andy is the only wrong. And those who fuck with his "friend till the end" must be dealt with. Despite getting a little attached to this thing, Andy knows what must be done, which, of course, makes things much worse. So, yeah, I said it. It's a good movie! I know this gets put in the same category with all the shitty remakes, but I just don't see it. 5/10

5. Despite having an interest, I've never made it a point to delve too deeply into the world of adult animation. I've always known there is a lot of fascinating, thought-provoking stuff out there, and most of it seems to come from elsewhere (outside the U.S.). And aside from that, the ones I personally gravitate toward almost always comes from way, way back. Like mostly pre-80's as I find old school animation more appealing. Like the films of Ralph Bakshi, for a rare American example. Or films like Fantastic Planet, which might very well be my all-time favorite animated film. Anyone who is into trippy shit, or just something extra unique or unusual, needs that one in their life asap. It wasn't until this year that I made it a point to look up director, René Laloux's filmography, and found something almost as fascinating: A similar, yet more coherently told movie, called Time Masters (1982).

Along with a tone similar to Fantastic Planet, This French Sci-fi-Fantasy epic feels a little closer to something like Heavy Metal at the same time. And since this film came out a year later, I can only assume this was intentional. So, on the planet of Perdide, this family has been attacked by giant murder hornets. The mother, killed, and the surviving father and son have crashed their vehicle. The father isn't going to make it. Realizing his son's safety is all that matters now, the father gives Piel a little machine which serves as a walkie talkie of sorts. Some time ago, Peil's father gave an identical device to an old friend in case there was ever an emergency. Moments before death, the dying father leaves an urgent message to Jaffar to find and rescue his son from the dangers of this planet. Unfortunately, Jaffar is light years away, taking care of his own business involving the transportation of a couple of fugitives. However, plans now must change as Jaffar tries his best to direct Piel to safety while shielding him from the harsh realities of the situation. Piel is too young to grasp all that has happpened. In fact, he believes this "talking device" to be a conscious machine that can communicate on its own. No matter because as long as Piel follows instructions, he should make it out of this alive. An intriguing story leading to a pretty fascinating twist involving time travel. Yet another obscurity worth tracking down. 7/10

6. A while back, I came across one racial-tension ice breaker of a comedy that I know I've heard of before, called Watermelon Man (1970). And I can totally see a movie like this being somewhat helpful in this era, if viewed with a healthy perspective, of course. Racism is no fun, and from what I hear, it was far less fun way back when. One day, things start going in the right direction, but obviously things can't just be fixed over night, so, why not have some movies (and sitcoms, of course) poking fun at racism? Could be fun. Could even be beneficial. I think that's exactly what American society needed in 1970: A movie about a white racist whose life turns to total shit because, for some unexplained reason, he wakes up black one morning. An issue that may not sound like much of an issue to most of us these days, but people just randomly turning black 50 years ago? I can see how it could be alarming to some who ain't "with it".

First, let me point out that the guy who starts out white is played by the same guy who ends up black, so that was probably for the best. Godfrey Cambridge plays Jeff Gerber: An obnoxious, uncoordinated jackass with very little sense of humor and even less tolerance for the darker race. Jeff, I guess, is supposed to be how the black man sees the white man. Cambridge's portrayal of Jeff is just ridiculous enough to be hilarious, as the clueless fuck stumbles through life, oblivious to himself and the feelings of the people around him. Jeff's wife, Althea, supposedly the less racist of he two, is played by none other than Estelle Parsons, who isn't looking terrible. Parsons and Cambridge are pretty good together, as Althea supports Jeff in his time of need. So, yeah, ok. This guy just wakes up black one morning, and does not take it particularly well. After whining, sobbing and praying doesn't work, Jeff tries out one of the other home remedies for this affliction by bathing in milk. No, this is one issue milk cannot fix either. Jeff is stuck like this and now much direct his energy into acceptance, maybe even optimism. Good luck with that, as he has gone from being seen as a joke to that of a threat. Jeff's colleagues, his neighbors, and ultimately even Althea, reacts less than favorably. Hopefully, Mr. Gerber learns something from all this. Hopefully, a few viewers did too. 5/10

7. And on to what might be the best all around film I've seen this year. People seem to be a bit divided on this one. More so than a similar one I remember watching, called Ex_Machina. This one is called Archive (2020). Like Ex_Machina, this movie focuses on artificial intelligence. However, the story of Archive is something more personal. Maybe a little deeper. This movie is about much more than technological advances. Archive also touches on loss, grief, the emptiness that comes with it, and the desperation to somehow escape it. In the world we know, that is impossible. Only time can heal such wounds. In the future, maybe not. In the year 2038, things, a lot of things could change soon. That is, if a certain scientist is left to do his thing.

Somewhere out in an isolated area, scientist George Almore is working on a groundbreaking project, and it seems to be on its way to completion. No one has come quite so close to creating true artificial intelligence. A human-equivalent with feelings, emotions and memories. George is currently working on his third and possibly final prototype. We get to know prototype 1 and 2, who are still hanging around despite being obsolete. The first one is a clunky-looking thing with no real communication skills, while still aware of what is going on around it. The second, a slicker version of the first. Communication skills on par with humans, but slightly less capable of reasoning. #2 has noticed how much time George has been spending with the new one. The new one being far more human-like. #2 also notices how George now spends less time with it. Only a short time ago, things were different, and #2 cannot understand why it has been discarded. This robot is human enough to feel rejection and depression, but George's real agenda is too important for him to be concerned with this thing's "feelings". In this story, the human soul/essence can be temporarily held in a hard drive, and George may have found a way to use this technology to resurrect his deceased wife. #1 and #2 were merely tools to make that happen. #3 just might be the payoff. I'll admit, I felt really bad for prototype #2. Kind of sad, but fascinating most of all. A sci-fi drama that is sure to make one feel as well as think. 8/10

8. And now, on to what is, hands down, my favorite first time viewing of the year. And if I'm not mistaken, this is the only movie I've rated a 10 out of 10. This is the Life And Times Of Grizzly Adams (1974). Literally the only thing I knew about Grizzly Adams before this year was some random reference made in the movie Clerks by Jason Mewes. I just happened to come across this one on Youtube one night, and what a fantastic movie to get high to! I mean, it's definitely some tree hugging hippie shit, but yeah. I'm sold within a couple minutes into this. The movie takes place in 1853, about a man named James Adams who is accused of a murder he didn't commit. And instead of spending his life like a caged animal, Adams escapes into the wilderness, never to be seen again.

This is a journey that will have no end. A journey that won't get easier any time soon as loneliness, fatigue, and starvation is inevitable, but adjustments must be made, just the same, because there's no going back. James Adams is on his own on a level he never imagined. Or is he? Adams soon discovers that there isn't a single animal out here that fears him or wants to harm him. Adams will soon make a lifelong friend as he discovers a grizzly cub in trouble whom he helps and takes with him on his journey. A bear he would name Ben, who would never leave his side. Adams also makes friends with an Indian who occasionally appears out of nowhere throughout the movie. As the years roll by, Ben the bear grows as Adams grows older. Together, they travel deeper and deeper into the wilderness, searching for the perfect spot to build a home. The longer Adams is away from civilization, the further he wants to be away from people. Not because he is afraid of getting caught, but because fuck them! It started as an intimidating last resort, but some years later, Grizzly Adams realizes he was meant to be out here, spending his life playing with animals and helping them however he can. As it would turn out, this film is far from the end. The success of this movie actually led to a TV series which went on for 2 seasons. This TV version isn't cannon to the movie, and adds a little humor, which is actually pretty cool. In this version, we got Grizzly Adams pallin' around with cranky old bastard, Denver Pyle, who is comedy gold as well as unrecognizable from his Andy Griffith days. There would have been a third season had actor Dan Haggerty not sold a bunch of coke to an undercover cop, but that's another story. 10/10

9. This year, I finally tracked down one of the only Herschell Gordon Lewis films left that I hadn't seen. For anyone who is familiar with his filmography, you may be aware that the man did far more than just a bunch of gore films. Strangely, those gore films happen to be some of the most normal films he made. The early ones even come off somewhat family-friendly at times, which was most likely to ensure that they actually had a shot at finding an audience. In between those early, wholesome gore films and those latter, trashy ones, ol' Herschell managed to become a jack of all exploitation trades. The man did hixploitation, sexploitation, some porn, a biker flick, kiddie flicks and even some juvenile delinquent films, which were somewhat popular in the 60's. I suppose this next one I'm going to talk about more or less falls under that category. This is The Alley Tramp (1968).

In this movie, "the alley tramp" is nothing more than a 16 year old little brat. Marie recently caught an eye full of her parents getting it on and now wants to make things super awkward by becoming a nympho. Eager to get her tender little under aged pussy tore up by anyone she can. Marie starts getting cozy with her third cousin, Philip, who isn't up for it at first, but quickly gives into temptation and lets her have it. The cousins go on to fuck all over the place as Marie's parents express very little issue, even confirming that it's legal for third cousins to marry. Fair enough. And as she gets fucked more and more, Marie becomes more of an arrogant, know-it-all dickhead to her parents. This, of course, all comes to a head when Marie gets it on with her mother's boyfriend. As the empowered Marie taunts her crying mother, it becomes clear this girl needs to be taken down a peg before it's too late. Hopefully, that can happen without an unwanted pregnancy. So, I'm not sure exactly what the point of all this was but it sure was a train wreck. I can't imagine what the moral of this story could possibly be. Don't get greedy and go after your mom's beau if your cousin is already willing to fuck you? God, I miss Herschell! 4/10

10. And finally, Antrum (2018). One of, if not the last great horror film of the 2010's. At least in my humble opinion. To me, Antrum is a return to quality not seen in a very long time. Something the genre has been striving for all decade long. The 2010's will most likely be remembered as the era of throwbacks. An era when people finally realized that the best Horror films are long behind us. However, the key to a successful throwback doesn't always lie merely in fake graininess and a story set in the 70's or 80's. Perhaps it takes something a little more subtle. Something not quite so easy to describe or even to point out. I believe Antrum has not only done it right, but is also a success as a genuinely scary film. And I believe that success is due to a successful aura of mystery. That's what I think the new shit is lacking: Mystery! Antrum feels exactly like what it pretends to be: A lost film connected to a deadly legend. A legend explained in a mockumentary which is now attached to the beginning of the once-lost film. Explaining why Antrum is the deadliest film ever made.

This is just so beautifully dark! That's what I notice first and love the most about Antrum. Aside from dark subject matter, just the whole look of this film is dark. Or dim, rather. From the beginning, it seems as though something is not quite right here. Antrum tells the story of characters we never become aquainted with: A heartbroken little boy whose dog has been euthanized. Nathan asks his mother if his dog is in Heaven. Mother coldly shoots that down, implying he is now in Hell. Traumatized as well as heartbroken, the boy starts experiencing nightmares and visions. Nathan's sister, Oralee, comes up with a plan to help. Oralee takes Nathan to a nearby forest with a rather dark history. Oralee claims that somewhere in this forest, Lucifer landed after being cast out of Heaven. If the exact spot can be located, then, they have found the place they need to start digging so they can find their dog's soul and set it free from Hell. All of this can supposedly be made possible by a book on the occult Oralee has recently aquirred. Of course, Nathan's sweet sister made it herself, as the entire thing is made up, but only to help. However, the more they dig, the darker it all gets, as if Hell is coming to them instead of the other way around. Going into further detail would be pointless. One has to see for themselves how it all plays out to appreciate the level of creepiness this film has going on. Well done, 2010's! 8/10

Interesting. I don't believe I've ever heard the name "Oralee" before. Then again, I wasn't aware you could marry your third cousin or remedy loneliness by eating thumb tacks either. It's been an educational year all around, hasn't it? I've gotten enough "trashucation" for a top 100, to be honest. But what are some highlights that didn't make the cut, you ask? Well, there's that interesting crime drama from Blumhouse, called The Lie (2018). There was this Twilight Zone-esque sci-fi/mystery, The Fare (2018). That one almost became #7. And for any Giallo enthusiasts who haven't had the pleasure, The Corruption Of Chris Miller (1973) is a damn fine Spanish Giallo. Oh, and I came across one of the most incoherent and confusing SOVs in existence, called The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget (1988). An unbelievable attempt at something. If Youtube hadn't removed it before I could get a (necessary) re-watch, I would have included it. A regret I now have to live with as the new year is upon us. A year that we can only hope isn't so fucked that we are forced into watching far more movies than normal.



#Review

The Kiss (1988)

Has anyone seen this one? Joe Bob Briggs showed it at least once on Monster vision, and it was on YouTube at one time. I never see it mentioned anywhere. It was a fairly decent occult horror with a lot of things typical of the mid to late 80s. It had some good kills, super hot Joanna Pacula, plenty of action, and a cat monster almost as ridiculous as the one in Uninvited. It had some pretty glaring similarities to the Wes Craven TV horror Summer of Fear as far as the story goes.

New Years Evil (1980)

1980 was all about a drastic change in life and society, huh? As the Ramones so elegantly^eloquently? put it in their lovely Rock and Roll Radio jingle, "It's the end of the 70s, it's the end of the century". I'll admit, I have a fondness for some Cars-esque new wave shit, and the 80s did usher in one of the best decades for horror. But for some reason, this year gave us this movie, and Terror Train, which I ranted about earlier this year https://trashepics.com/post/1/709/ . So who gives a fuck about New Years Evil? Well... I kinda do.

I probably first watched this when I was binging notable slasher movies, and as much of a genre fan as I am, they can definitely run together after a while. However, I always remembered this movie to be a bit different. This wasn't just a masked slasher in a holiday setting type of movie... this movie gave away the killer pretty quickly, and he had a whole personality to boot! This guy was a real asshole, but I can't help but think of him as our protagonist, because as the plot would have it, this guy is on a mission to kill someone on the hour, every hour, until all new years (in the United States?) have been accounted for. That's a pretty cool premise in itself, which allows for a few moments to look out for. Does it run according to plan? Does he fuck it up at some points? We'll see, wont we?

Spoilers take away all incentive to watch a movie, so give this one a whirl if you want to see the journey of a lunatic as it unfolds. Had this followed the traditional formula, I probably wouldn't have remembered it as well, and this is one of those weird clusterfuck type of slashers masquerading as some sort of deviant genre, so it may be mostly the same old shit, but it's not entirely the same old shit.

---

Also, I found it interesting to see Grant Cramer in this. He played "Mike Tobacco" (the lead male) in Killer Klowns from Outer Space. This was 8 years before that movie, and he played some sort of nigh-adult with parental issues. He looked mostly the same though, which is why age can be a funny thing sometimes. In another barely related anecdote, I asked a new guy at work what is favorite movie was. He said "Interstellar", but his next movie inquiry was... Have I ever seen a movie called Killer Klowns from Outer Space?

Christmas Challenge

Because why not? I had a lot of fun with this loose and seasonal challenge, because Christmas stuff is in abundance, so you might as well get points for it.


December 1st, 2020 --- January 1st, 2021


What Counts?

Movie or TV. Christmas must play a noticable part in the film/episode. Yes, Die Hard and Lethal Weapon count.

For good measure, New Years also counts, but only from December 26th onward!

Viewings will only count once (No rewatches)


How to Get Points


+1 point per minute watched


Bonus Points:


+5 points per kill
+5 points if someone kisses under the mistletoe
+5 points if a character hates Christmas
+5 points if there's a Christmas office party
+10 points if someone learns the true meaning of Christmas
+10 points if someone "ruins" Christmas
+15 points if there's a Christmas-related killer other than Santa
+25 points if there's a killer Santa


Mark your Spots

What have you read, 2020 edition! 

I know a few of us really like reading, so I thought we could a thread for any readings. So here is a place for you guys to log what you read!

January:
1.) The Case for Jaime by Brittany Cavallaro
2.) Endlessly by Kiersten White
3.) Haven by Kristi Cook
4.) Mirage by Kristi Cook
5.) Chosen by Kiersten White


February:
6.) #MurderTrending by Gretchen McNeil
7.) Queen of Hearts by Colleen Oakes
8.) Eternal by Kristi Cook
9.) Little White Lies by Jennifer Barnes
10.) A week of Monday's by Jessica Brody
11.) The Fill-In Boyfriend by Kasie West


March:
12.) The Hate list by Jennifer Brown


April:
None.

May:
None

June:
13.) @Box_a_Hair's Third Book!
14.) Harley Merlin and the Secret Coven by Bella Forrest


July:
15.) Harley Merlin and the Mystery Twins by Bella Forrest

#MurderTrending

The Californians (old SNL running sketch)

I think I had seen this skit before, but I just watched some compilations on YouTube and JEEZ it is so funny. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's supposed to be a soap opera set somewhere in or around Los Angeles, with rich people getting in soap opera situations and giving complex highway driving directions. OK, it sounds like something that an emotionally and psychologically healthy person would want to avoid like The Black Death, but it's incredibly funny. Probably one of the funnier things they have ever done on SNL, in fact.

I think Rosa the maid is kind of hot, just for the record.

I wanted to ask: where do you think they got the accent from? I mean, of course they are imitating Valley Girl speaking to a great extent, but specifically what movies, or what movie characters, would you say they are basing their manner of speaking on? I keep thinking of the Bill and Ted movies, especially, and maybe Encino Man. Kristen Wiig's character makes me think of the Melanie Hutsell character, in the old SNL Delta Delta Delta sketches. The way the characters live makes me think of some of James Spader's scary, shitty, disturbingly rich friends in Less Than Zero... Obviously, we have all seen a shitload of movies set and/or filmed in Los Angeles over the course of our lives, and probably even met a few real people who actually have that accent. But, just tell me any specific movie that comes to mind when you hear and see these characters talking.

Also, before I forget, I just wanted to say that we have all probably had the feeling that having that accent is at least a little DESIRABLE, God forgive us all. Just in the sense that L.A. has always been considered a pretty hip, happening, cool place, compared to practically anywhere else. So, to have just a small southern California accent is probably at least a little desirable. But the beauty of these sketches is that they make it sound absolutely ridiculous, and completely retarded and UNdesirable. I have to respect that. Anyway, here are the sketches. Be ready to laugh pretty freaking hard.

Freaky (2020)

Christopher Landon's Happy Death Day was a lot of fun. It took old concepts and mashed them together into something that was surprisingly enjoyable. The sequel was a bit of a convoluted mess that already insisted in retreading the same ground, only the charm was cut in half in favor of weird sci-fi vibes that didn't really do it for me. This time, he took the old body swap concept and applied it slashers, and somehow he managed to get Vince Vaughn to step into the shoes of a slasher again (well, Psycho 1998 doesn't exist 😐).

The mood is very similar to the aforementioned films. The plot and victims are entirely predictable, but what are we expecting? Aren't slasher films supposed to be that way? We're watching a bunch of recycled plot devices after all, full of all the cliches you can think of. Dumb jocks, gay best friends, high school bullies and bitches, etc. We're not watching this for them though. We're watching it because we want to see Vince Vaughn as a masked serial killer. For a few minutes anyway. Then we're watching it because we want to see him act like a teenage girl. And unlike the other films, this one is actually rated R, so we get a few decent kills in there, but being that it's so mainstream, they opted out of any nudity or true grit, but oh well. There's enough suggestive content to make up for it.


I wont go into much more detail, but you can tell Vince had a lot of fun with the movie. I think I might have liked the movie better if there weren't any supernatural twists and he was just killing people as himself. How often do you get A-listers to step off of their high horse to play a slasher villain? Basically never, so this is a treat.

There are a few laughs, but some of the scenes are cringe-worthy. Like the awkward drawn-out dressing room scene where people are far too candid with "strangers". Also, the movie features Alan Ruck as an irritable shop teacher who simply hates our shy and meek protagonist. Like really, he fucking hates her guts for some reason and wants to see her fail at life. Hmm... okay?

And one last question... why do high school athletics need a cryo freezer? Is that a thing now? And why is it a thing?

#Review