AVGN does Home Alone with Macauley Culkin!

Remember Macauley Culkin? Home Alone was a great Christmas movie. I watched it a lot as a kid and I think it has some great vibes, and some great Christmas spirit. Remember when that old man with the shovel helps him? That's fuckin' Roberts Blossom, who played Ezra Cobb in "Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile" (1974), which is a great little movie about Ed Gein. I can't strike that connection from my memory. Like why the hell was his name Roberts, and not Robert? WTF?

Hell, I even watched "Home Alone" when my theater re-released it a few years ago. It has a lot of good things going for it, and there was one hell of a kid right there. Macauley, what a weird name... but he's been in some cool shit. Mostly, these two movies, and "Party Monster". But he's always had a soft spot for his character of Kevin McAllister, and has reprised the role (sort of?) in that video from a few years back where he shows what a fucked up person Kevin turned out to be, due to the traumatic experiences he faced when Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern tried to murder him on two separate occasions. In regular movie terms, that shit is funny, but in real-life situations, it would scar the kid for life, and that's what that video was about. Good shit.

So a few days ago, James Rolfe did a review of these goddamn video games about Home Alone... so many of these pieces of shit, but who joined him? The pizza guy! Watch this shit!



Any thoughts on this Christmas classic(s)? Or Macauley? I think he's alright. I do love Party Monster, but are his siblings better? Rory? Kieran? Rory has been in some good shit, like Scream 4, and Castle Rock. I don't know... I like to ramble when I'm drunk, and I like to hear your thoughts. Especially when you're drunk. 😉

Got any feelings on Home Alone? 1 or 2? John Hughes? Macauley Culkin?! AVGN?!! Whatevz. It's all good!

Shot-On-Shiteo: Bottom Of The Barrel



Back in the days of the video rental store boom, I rented from alot of different places. One of which was Blockbuster. Despite being known for offering the most popular titles in cinema, the one I went to offered an unusual amount of offbeat B-movies. Especially in the Horror section. Even a few obscure ones here and there. I remember renting such films as Beyond The Darkness, Vampyres and Silent Night Deadly Night, all from Blockbuster. I even saw my very first shot on vhs disasterpiece courtesy of the now dead video chain. And at the tender age of 12 or 13, I guess I just wasn't ready for the world of SOV Horror, because I pretty much loathed this so-called movie. As soon as it began, I knew exactly what it was. I just didn't know that was something people did to make money. So, you can understand how the opening credits might have confused me. With the video format already forcing me to not take this seriously as an actual movie, I wasn't willing to give this much of a chance. Which is irrelevant because this was still one unbelievable piece of shit like I had never seen before, and wouldn't again for many years.

The day Blood Lake was made, the slasher genre bottomed out. I'm pretty sure it never got any worse than this. The storyline is a big reason why. We got two fun loving teenage couples and a tag-a-long pre-teen couple, heading down to the lake house of one of the girlfriends. Everyone's got thick Oklahoma accents, the guys got their short shorts, and everybody is ready for some sweet 80's partying. One character, which is usually the first thing someone mentions about this movie, is li'l Tony. A loud mouth little blonde cocksucker who constantly tries to impress the big kids by bragging about how hard he's going to stick it to his little friend. An obnoxious pre-teen that would no doubt make things a tad awkward if this were real life. But this is definitely not real life. Everyone laughs off the little virgin's attempt at coolness, as we witness some very incoherent dialogue between the characters, which come off very improvised. Atleast I hope it is. The first 20 minutes is mostly mumbled banter and horsing around between the teens, until we get to the good shit. Water skiing! Gosh, that looks like fun!

Not all that fun watching these tools do it in a movie for ten minutes at a time, when it's clearly meant for filler. But in real life, sure. The gang make friends with a couple of guys and invites them over that night for some beers and countless games of quarters. After leaving late at night, they are slaughtered by a prowler, which leads to what is by far the most incoherent and mindblowing scene in the movie. The next day, a deputy stops by and has one of the guys come outside with him, where he shows him the bodies of the victims, and asks if he has any information about what happened. And you would think they were talking about what they had for breakfast, going by their mannerisms. Plus, the music was just loud enough that you could barely hear alot they were saying. A portion of the conversation could very well have been about breakfast for all we know. Yet, they were pointing at corpses. so, that's probably it.

I get that he didn't know his new friends very well, but Christ! Atleast one of you try and appear as though you're looking at something bad. I get no indication that the bad acting in this is anything but unintentional, which to this day, is amazing to me. The brutal murders which couldn't be seen due to no lighting has surprisingly put very little damper on the weekend festivities. It's not even clear who knows about this tragedy and who doesn't. Instead of leaving immediately, everyone continues with their beer drinking, fucking and kidding around with li'l Tony, until one of the couples randomly goes for a wallk late at night, and of course gets it. I forgot which couple it was. Like I said. Terrible lighting in this movie. I hope their deaths were gory. I like gore.

It wasn't until the late 90's when I rented Redneck Zombies that I would finally watch my second shot-on-video Horror. That of course was a more enjoyable experience, so, I finally warmed up to the idea that there might be something to these awful little home movies. But it wasn't until 2010, when I bought Cannibal Campout on dvd, that I knew I had to get every single one of these. So, I started with the first one I ever saw. About 17 years had passed since I had seen it, and couldn't really remember what it was about it that I hated so much. So, I bought a rather pricey vhs tape off Amazon, and as it would turn out, the very qualities I once despised were the same qualities which would finally win me over as an adult. Though, I'm not sure what that says about my own mental development.

I've seen countless SOVs since then, and some of them might even be a little worse in ways. But I've yet to find any type of movie with such amazingly dead acting, incoherent dialogue, and pointless characters. Seemingly no effort was put into making this atleast as good as the other VHS stuff that was coming out at the time. This is Todd Sheets territory, friends. Maybe worse. In an ironic twist, this is one of those bad movies which is only made watchable by its worst quality. The cock sure wannabe playa, li'l Tony, who is just pathetic enough to be funny. And another ironic twist, he would also be a significantly better actor than the big kids, which of course says very little. Blood Lake is one of the few "80's SOV's" left that is still without a dvd release. I look forward to the day it gets one, and any extras that might give us a better understanding as to how this thing ended up the way it did. But even after that day comes, any time I think of Blood Lake, I'll still imagine direcor, Tim Boggs, sneaking into Blockbusters in the late 80's and placing his piece of god awful shit amongst the real movies I would recommend Blood Lake to slasher completists, fans of vhs flicks, and anyone interested in obscurities which still haven't made it to the digital age. However, for those of you with standards, you may want to pass on this one. 4/10



#Review #Slasher

The movies of Jean Rollin

I haven't seen an awful lot of Jean Rollin but I do really enjoy the almost dreamlike quality to his movies. I only have seen The Grapes of Death (1978) and The Iron Rose (1973). I rated those both an eight.

I want to watch more of his movies.

This is a list of what I think may be his best movies to watch:

Two Orphan Vampires (1997)
The Living Dead Girl (1982)
A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1973)
The Night of the Hunted (1980)
Fascination (1979)
Lips of Blood (1975)
Requiem for a Vampire (1971)

Are my missing anything worth watching from this list? What are some of your favorite Rollin movies?

Bloodbeat (1982)

Watched this last night for the first time in years. I didn't remember much about it other than the fact that it takes place during Christmastime - despite being the most un-Christmassy Christmas movie ever - and that it's completely and totally bonkers.

For those who don't know what it's about, I'll try and summarize: a brother and sister, along with brother's new girlfriend, are in town to spend the holidays with their mom and mom's boyfriend. Mom's boyfriend is "a good old boy" who wants to marry the mom, but mom seems checked out from the relationship, doesn't wanna marry him, and spends her days generally acting strange and painting.

Odd family melodrama hijinx ensue, some deer hunting - this takes place in rural Wisconsin after all - and then things get really weird with the brother's girlfriend. She gets upset after they try to shoot a deer, goes to bed, discovers a trunk full of samurai garb and a giant sword, cuts her finger on it and well.... the ghost of samurai somehow becomes resurrected? I think.

The girl begins masturbating and orgasming everytime the ghostly samurai puts his sword to good use on hapless victims, until he sets his sights on the family's home and then, all hell breaks loose.

It isn't a very good movie by any means, but it succeeds in just being so damn surreal and dreamlike. It's one of those regional horror movies starring a cast of complete nobodies and a one and only time director, but there is a level of accomplishment I have to admit, in any event.

There's a whole host of really dated, but "cutting edge" for the time period video fx, which I loved and had me grinning ear to ear. Not much in the way of gore, but the film's strengths are being a total head-scratcher, so that's OK.

80s horror rarely got weirder than this.

The House That Jack Built (2018)

Okay, this is a really good movie. A serial killer who makes his victims into art recounts several of his killings. It's all shown in very classy and sophisticated way, and Matt Dillion gives an awesome performance. In the last half hour, things take a very strange and unexpected turn, becoming much more of an arthouse film.

But I think I may have been duped, and actually ended up with the R-rated version. If it was truly the director's cut that I watched, it's not anywhere near as brutal as I've been led to believe. Every time things started to get really nasty, the camera always seemed to cut out way too early. Honestly, I found Lars von Trier's earlier film, Antichrist, to be much more disturbing.

I've Owned The Exorcist Novel Twice


I've always been an avid reader. I don't recall many times in my life where I didn't have a book in my hand. Back in high school, I recall the public library in my town was having a book sale. I noticed The Exorcist novel right away. I had already seen the movie. My dad was and still is a Sunday school teacher, so I had to sneak and rent the movie. The movie really freaked me out and still does to this day, but I really wanted to read the novel. So, I bought it.

As I was reading the book, I began to feel very uncomfortable. At the time, I thought it was just due to a creepy story, and good writing. Once finished, however, I found that I couldn't stand being in the same room with the book. I always felt like I was being watched, especially at night. It became too much for me and I finally threw the book away.

Later on, in my twenties, I bought the book once again. I figured now that I was older, I wouldn't have those stupid feelings of being watched. I was wrong. It was the same thing all over again. Sleepless nights, feelings of being watched, and this time the feeling was even stronger. I was always looking over my shoulder. Yet again, I threw the book away.

I'm writing this because I'm seriously thinking about purchasing the book for the third time, but I'm also nervous to own it once more. I honestly, don't think it was all in my head. The atmosphere around me just felt heavier.

Should I buy it for the third time? Have any of you ever owned something that had a similar effect on you?

Sondra Locke (1944-2018)

Yup... that's another one for the fire. The older you get, the more people you like are dying off. Sondra Locke was known mostly for her roles in a handful of Clint Eastwood movies, whom she was romantically involved with at the time. Granted, the two broke up and have been somewhat hostile with ever since. Not sure of the details, but I will say that I enjoyed her roles in those movies that I've seen. I love Every Which Way but Loose and Any Which Way You Can, but she was also in The Gauntlet, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Bronco Billy, Sudden Impact, and probably a few other decent ones. She was even in an episode of Planet of the Apes, which was a great show.

Also worth noting is that she was an executive producer for Eli Roth's "Knock Knock", which was a great movie that makes me really angry when I watch it.

So yeah... she didn't do much outside of those Eastwood flicks, but they were all good movies. I enjoyed them, as well as her roles in them. Especially the Every/Any Which Way arc, where she scorns him in the first movie, then crawls back to him in the next.

Either way, RIP Sondra Locke.

Notes from the Turkeyground: Back from the Dead

Long-time Turkey Challenge participants my remember I would write a Notes from the Turkeyground every year in early December. The point was the reminisce over the whole experience of the previous month. It was just a month ago, how much reminiscing could one do? If you're asking that question, you haven't been turkeying right! The Turkey Challenge is a time-bending ordeal, a gauntlet of cinematic atrocities, out of which you emerge... pretty much the same, except you've seen a lot more shitty movies.

But sometimes they're not shitty at all! That's why I started writing these in the first place. To highlight the best and the worst moments of the Turkey Challenge. Well, after a few years hiatus, the Notes are back and the Turkeygrounds are moist with gravy.

In previous years, I was always amazed by how many low-rated movies were actually good. Really, really good. My wife (Alchemie) and I would make so many discoveries. Either we lost the Turkey lottery this year or imdb ratings are finally balancing out, but most of what we watched this year pretty much deserves the rating it has.

Standing out are the very strange shark movies of Misty Talley. I know nothing about Misty. I've seen her headshot and her films. From that alone, I've formed a judgment: she has a BA in Fine Arts from some women's university in the Mid-West. She's had a string of shitty boyfriends who cheat on her. She likes to read difficult novels in her spare time. Has seen Shakespeare on stage more times than she's been swiped right on Tinder. Probably voted most likely to win the Nobel Prize for Literature in high school, even though she was routinely harassed for being a nerd. Well, all the potential in that ugly duckling has blossomed into Santa Jaws, Ozark Sharks, and, of course, Mississippi River Sharks.

I say her movies are weird because they have a distinctive cheapo style that's atypical even for SyFy/Asylum shark movies. A quaintness that feels more at home as a made-for-Hallmark movie about cats saving Christmas. You know the kinda movie I mean. Except they're not quaint. They're full of busty chicks in bikinis and man-eating sharks.

But the sharks and tits almost feel like a candy coating for the pill of truth she's trying to shove down our throats. What truth is that? Fuck if I know. She definitely has obsessions. All of her movies involve families. In two out of three, a grandparent is eaten and the family must band together for revenge. In two out of three, the action is interrupted for a heartfelt plea about bullying and what a dead-end high school sports is. Despite these Hallmark intrusions of After School Specialism, random high-brow and meta references are peppered around the façade. Most of the "badass" lines delivered after killing a shark, as much happen, are so ridiculous they're almost non-sequiturs. Very odd movies, but I'm glad I've seen them.

The lowlight of this Turkey Challenge, as he almost always is, is David DeCoteau. David pisses me off, because I know he can make a good movie and he chooses not to. He makes these neither-fish-nor-fowl wastes of time that I firmly believe only make money in November when we do the Turkey Challenge. We did a trifecta this year, starting with Bigfoot vs. DB Cooper. Bigfoot spends half the movie shaking the same three scraggle trees in the middle of a mid-town park in Columbus, Ohio, while the hapless, innocent meatheads in a rented mansion decide to go '˜turkey hunting.' You know what turkey hunting is? That's where you take your toy gun, go upstairs one after the other at ten-minute intervals, so you give the guy ahead of you time to strip down to his underwear and pose in front of the first mirror he finds with the toy gun. Turkey hunting. Always say no.

Next up was 666: Kreepy Kerry. That one at least had a plot. But something occurred to me watching these movies. Now I'm a straight man. And I'm watching this with my wife. I still know what a hot guy looks like. I would think, if you're gonna make a guys-prancing-around-in-underwear movie, you want hot guys, don't you? Like, not just having abs. Guys with faces that don't look like the last page of OKCupid results, because their only interests are "bee keeping and boobs." So that's strike one. It's probably strike two and three as well. Let's move on.

Here's a good one. I'd hoped to do a Griff Furst trifecta, but it didn't happen. Instead, we got only a single Griff movie: Nightmare Shark. This movie is out there. It's a mad scientist Hawaian mythology shark movie in which the demonic shark deity can kill you in your dreams like Freddy Krueger. This should be stupid, but it's actually filled with kinda interesting characters and inventive film techniques. The desert nightmare is downright eerie. Griff Furst is the best of the SyFy directors, hands-down. SyFy directors are not made equal, believe-you-me. And he stands head and shoulders over the next-best, probably Steven R. Monroe or Anthony Ferrante.

I can tell you who isn't one of the best SyFy directors. Sheldon Wilson. This guy made The Stickman, Mothman, and The Night Before Halloween. He seems to be allergic to good lighting, so that's a problem right there. While the plots are mildly interesting, he has no idea how to build good tension and the characters inevitably get sacrificed to "y'all die" endings. Mothman is the best of the three, as most of it is shot in daylight. It's your standard brain-off popcorn SyFy movie.

On the more independent side of things, I somehow never came across David A. Prior in all my years doing the Turkey Challenge. And you can make four trifectas off this guy! He's been making these war-themed (mostly) horror movies since the '˜80s, all of them written by his brother Ted. Ted also stars in most of the movies. And it's clear why when he inevitably takes off his shirt. He's hit the gym a few times. Normally finding a new prolific turkey director from the '˜80s bodes well. Could I be finding Fred Olen Ray's long-lost twin?

Nope! Most of you will know the Brothers Prior from Killer Workout. Killer Workout was a silly, fun movie. A violent whodunit set in an aerobics class where only busty bimbos in great shape already are allowed to participate. As the murders in the gym mount and the detective is visiting daily—and not to work on his lats—you'd think they would shut down and hire a grief counselor or something. No sir. The aerobics must go on! To the last act, the action is punctuated by '˜80s titties jiggling in their leotards. I do not complain.

The rest of his movies are over-serious snoozefests in which soldiers discover the real horrors of war is inside us. Or something. Mutant Species at least has a murderous beast. And his first film, the SOV Sledgehammer has... videography effects that were considered cool in the '˜80s. I don't even want to talk about Night Claws.

Other standouts: The Green Slime for that kickass intro song; Attack of the Killer Donuts for ending a killer donut movie with ten straight minutes of romantic banter; The Devil's Chair for ruining an incredibly creepy introduction with a dumbshit twist; and The Bye Bye Man for just being a good, spooky supernatural horror movie.

So maybe I just picked poorly this year. Or maybe I'm running out of the true hidden gems. But y'know what? It's not gonna stop me. I'm going to keep on turkey hunting. Now excusive me while I grab my toy gun. Until next year!

The Toxic Avenger Is Getting A Big Budget Remake!

I've now seen (almost) all of my unseen draft picks.

Of the 225 draft picks, there were 35 I had not seen. Now there are only two, both from Zed. I have not been able to find Heavy Metal Massacre or Reflections anywhere to stream or download.

Johan_WoW
13. The Head (1959)
15. The Conjuring 2 (2016)

I have to admit, it is often hard for me to get into pre-Exorcist horror movies. The Head is not one of the exceptions. It was kind of rough going for me.
The Conjuring 2 is a movie I never thought I was going to watch, considering my thoughts on the first film. Part 2 is an improvement for sure, but is still not something I'm that crazy about.

OnyxHades
10. Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
11. Ebola Syndrome (1996)

Something Wicked is not bad, you know, for a kids movie. I imagine I would have found it much scarier if I saw it when I was the age of the two main kids.
Ebola Syndrome is my favorite viewing from this whole thing. It has all the mayhem I love in horror movies.

Gymnopedie
4. The Addiction (1995)
6. Don't Go to Sleep (1982)
10. They Have Changed Their Face (1971)
12. The Demon Murder Case (1983)
13. The Territory (1981)
14. The Appointment (1981)
15. The Woman in Black (1989)

A whole lot of snoozers here. Well, Don't Go to Sleep and The Woman in Black were decent.

Tromafreak aka Messiah_Of_Doom
7. The Bad Seed (1956)
11. The Body Snatcher (1945)

I liked The Bad Seed, but The Body Snatcher had a tough time holding onto my attention.

Ballz
14. The Mummy (1959)

This one really did not grab me at all.

markus-san
5. Eyes Without a Face aka Les Yeux sans Visage (1960)
8. Diabolique aka Les Diaboliques (1955)
9. Onibaba (1964)
10. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)
15. The Vanishing aka Spoorloos (1988)

All of these were pretty decent.

foz
13. Dead of Night (1945)

Ugh, this one was REALLY tough to get through, even for a movie from the 40's.

Tommix
5. War of the Gargantuas (1966)
6. Captain Kronos -- Vampire Hunter (1974)
7. Silent Hill (2006)
8. X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes (1963)
10. Kairo (2001)
14. Quatermass and the Pit (1967)

War of the Gargantuas and Silent Hill did nothing for me. Quatermass and the Pit really surprised me with how good it was. The others were alright.

Zed
6. Targets (1968)
7. Heavy Metal Massacre (1989)
8. Nocturna (1979)
12. The Last Horror Movie (2003)
14. Reflections (1987)
15. Love Me Deadly (1972)

Like I said, Heavy Metal Massacre and Reflections were a no go. Nocturna and Love Me Deadly were both pretty meh. Targets was good, and The Last Horror Movie was REALLY good, surprisingly so.

jimb14red
5. Repulsion (1965)
6. Let the Right One In (2008)
7. Cat People (1942)

Just okay for all three.