People turn to all sorts of things in order to maintain or gain the strength it sometimes takes to make it in this world. Drugs is a big one. Crime in general. Some people get creative, or at least they stumble upon something a little more on the unconventional side. Today's story is about a human doormat who has been shat upon far too long. A born loser who has inadvertently ended up with a strength and determination he probably never imagined to be HIS reality. Today, we're going to discuss 70's Exploitation flick, Satan's Children, as well as what acceptance from a Satanic cult can do for one's self esteem. More than one would think, apparently.
Some red-headed step-child gets it pretty bad from his step-father and step-sister. Nothing as extreme as a Little Corey Gorey situation, but they are unnecessarily dickish. The step-father makes a slave out of Bobby and is just looking for a reason to bust his ass. The 40-something year old looking step-sister is always trying to get a rise out of him, so to speak. Bobby is having none of that, and despite having no one else and nowhere else to go, he seems to have very little patience for these people. It's only a matter of time before Bobby says something that gets himself kicked out. Bobby doesn't even care anymore. And now, his guy is fucking with his pot. Bobby straight up tells Step-dad to go to Hell and bounces. Bobby has no plan. He's finally free, but at a price. Bobby's got to figure something out quick if he wants to survive out here. I don't know what his plan was to be, but before he can make a plan, Bobby is approached by a lonely homosexual, whose advances he takes great offense.
Luckily the gay is ran off by a seemingly normal person whose wit quickly puts Bobby at ease. Bobby's new friend takes him back to his place for some beer and heterosexual fun only to get on the phone with his friends the first chance he gets. And they're gay! Gay, horny and mean! This new "friend" of Bobby's isn't a friend at all. He's gay, too! That's what all this is about. They're all going to gang up on Bobby and pleasure themselves inside his ass until he cries. Not good! However, these aren't the killing types. The gang of gays did spare Bobby his life, although not so much his dignity, huh? And as we're now one step closer to the point of all this, Bobby is spotted by a group of some unusually fun-loving Satanists. One of the girls takes a shining to him and insists they take Bobby in, even though their master is not around to give it the OK. Sherry doesn't care. Strangely, it was love at first sight. Something that is going to cause a lot of trouble, but Sherry doesn't care.
I don't know about Sherry. She's trying awfully hard to ditch some lezbo chick who's getting too cozy with her. This being out of fear of angering their master, Simon. Maybe Sherry just latched on to the first guy she saw? Well, anyway, I didn't know it until I saw this movie, but Satanists are not down with the gays. And yeah. This isn't going to fly at all. These people don't care for victims, let alone ass rape victims. Sherry isn't doing herself any favors, and might as well have just gone for the rug-muncher, as her new-found love for this loser has done her in. In what is unquestionably the dick move of the whole movie, Sherry is punished by being buried up to her neck and covered in honey to be eaten by ants.
Bobby seems pretty screwed at this point, but manages to get away. Luckily for Sherry, Bobby feels the same way about her as she supposedly does him, so, at least she has a chance, here. As we quickly learn, Bobby's goal isn't so much to get away, but to prove to Simon he's more than just some fuck toy for the gays. This situation has turned Bobby into a determined little bastard who is now out to prove that he is not a victim, because Satanists aren't victims! To do this, Bobby has first got to ditch the Satanists who have been ordered to kill him. That's where the quicksand comes in. Then, all Bobby has got to do is collect the heads of those who have wronged him, present them to Simon, and hope he chills out. Then, maybe Simon will let him stay so he can do it with Sherry some more. Bobby genuinely feels like this Satanism thing is something he can really get behind.And this is the kind of stuff I love the most. Not so much Satan-themed Exploitation, but weird, random little movies like this that were so common in the 70's. I don't know where the director/writers got all these ideas, but they came up with one hell of an entertaining concept with the gay-hating Devil worshippers and coming-of-age adventure for the red-headed step-child in his underwear. Brought to you by Something Weird Video in a double feature dvd with the inferior Asylum Of Satan. This is truly one of the most entertaining things that company has ever put out, and like many others from SWV, is deserving of a larger following. But hey. That's Satansploitation for ya. It doesn't exactly give one a warm, fuzzy feeling... or does it? 5/10
#Review
Tommy Wiseau not only directed this, but wrote, produced, financed, and starred in it, as well. Without that last one, The Room would be nothing. Tommy plays Johnny, a San Francisco banker who has it all. Hot fiancee, good friends, a European accent, a positive attitude, and some weird kid who hangs around, giving off rapey vibes and making things awkward. Johnny wants this kid, Denny, to be his son, and even pays his rent so they can be near each other. I'm pretty sure Denny wants to rape Johnny's girlfriend. The awkwardness is never really acknowledged, but as sane, rational people, we the audience, could cut it with a knife. Johnny and Lisa try to get it on, but Denny wants to play with them. Johnny, who is a super nice guy, politely directs the little weirdo out of his room, as he lets out an uncomfortable laugh.
We soon learn that Lisa is a fickle little bitch, and it's revealed that she's pretty much bored with nice guy, Johnny, who seems to remain clueless, regardless of how she treats him. After Lisa's mother pressures her to stick it out for security reasons, she goes around telling people that Johnny hit her. Johnny doesn't believe it, and confirms this with a little rant on the roof, ending with a denial more resembling a yawn, followed by an epic throwing of a bottle of water, all gracefully leading to a friendly greeting to best friend, Mark. "Oh, hi, Mark!" Mark's been getting it on with Lisa. Lisa has decided she wants it all. All the security Johnny can provide, as well as the dick of her choosing. All without the guilt. Supressing the guilt only makes her come off more cunty. Johnny, however, happens to be the world's most understanding boyfriend, and proves so by showing Lisa unconditional love while she continues to "tear him apart".
And then, there's this one scene that should have had some sort of impact on the story, but didn't. Instead, it just appears out of nowhere, creates a shitstorm, and simply vanishes. Never to be mentioned again. In this scene, creepy little Denny, who is revealed to be an 18 year old, gets into it with a drug dealer on the roof. The same roof Johnny threw the water bottle on. Angry drug dealer threatens to kill Denny if he doesn't cough up the cash he owes. Denny's been dabbling in a drug that is never revealed, but before Denny gets it, he's saved by Johnny and Mark, who take the bad guy to jail, leaving Johnny to get grilled by Lisa and Lisa's mom, who are both hysterical over Denny's alleged drug use. This makes Denny also hysterical. Johnny comes back and makes it all ok.
Almost every scene after this which features Denny, he has a football with him, and pleads with anyone present to play catch with him. Denny almost seems like he's playing a different character, now. However, we're reminded of his creepiness while he throws around the pigskin with Johnny. Well, that and how awkward and confusing the script can be. Denny confesses that he wants to kiss Lisa and tell her he loves her. Johnny gives some sappy speech about how the world would be a better place if more people loved each other, solving absolutely nothing. Although Denny seems to feel better about things, which is all that matters, I guess.
As Mark and Lisa continue to betray Johnny, the guilt gets to them more and more, turning Mark into an abusive pothead. As Mark confides in Johnny about the "manipulative bitch" that's been messing with his head, Johnny starts to put 2 and 2 together, and ends up recording an incriminating conversation, which never seems to serve much of a purpose. Lisa and Mark could have easily gone on doing what they were doing behind Johnny's back, and it wouldn't have been the end of the world, but they decided to be dicks about it, seemingly as a way to deal with the guilt of betraying this swell guy. As a birthday party is thrown for Johnny, things get heated after Lisa and Mark randomly decide they're tired of of sneaking around. As we witness one confusing series of arguments and makeups, things take a surprisingly dark turn. And if this were any other movie, then, maybe it wouldn't have turned out quite so funny. But hey. This is The Room!
From what I've heard, Tommy Wiseau is also unaware that The Room is in fact a bad film, and is infuriated that it's gained the reputation as one of the all-time great bad films. This alleged European really stumbled upon something great with this epic failure of a Romantic Drama, which sort of serves as a Softcore porno. I mean, three sex scenes in the first half hour, right? I'm pretty sure this counts as one of those. More like one of those filmed in the same bizarro world as Troll 2. And like Troll 2, there are many memorable headscratcher quotes, and moments that simply makes no sense. why does Tommy Wiseau think chickens go "Cheep"? Why did nobody wise him up before shooting? And what is with the CGI city? The weirdness is one thing, but my God, that acting and delivery is what makes The Room so... Roomy? One dimensional characters played by actors who just aren't very good at acting like they know each other. Wiseau especially comes off like an alien whose attemtping to blend in with Humans. Perhaps this guy is as delusional and full of himself as I've heard, but Tommy Wiseau had a vision of what he wanted his masterpiece to be, and he's not going to let reality get in the way of how he views the finished product. So, think what you want, and laugh all you want. Just leave your stupid comments in your pocket! 7/10
