Today I Watch Castlevania

I have to start out by saying before I spent all my time being a dick, I spent it playing Pokemon and Castlevania.

Last year when Netflix released this show I got so damn excited and my expectation was surpassed. So now a year has gone by and I need some fantasy points for my challenge so I'm rewatching it. I was planning on doing it next month before season 2 drops, but hell why not get some points.

Has anyone else watched it yet? I'm not big on anime at all, but this show and FMA are things I have a weak spot for.

Monster Shark

So this movie.... It's bad, but it somehow held my attention. I'm not big on foreign films, mainly from my ignorance, but this one was... very interesting. First let me say that I won't spoil plot points, but may ruin some gags. First I have to say these guys took this movie very seriously. All three main character just have the most intense looking facial expressions and are often shot in a close-up frame. When the shark is coming you get this light sound and a weird freeze on camera and a bad and like a 2-second shift to blue with what looks like drawn bubbles on paper and then right back to the exact same scene. This shark can somehow scramble tapes with its brainwaves. Now there are some upsides to this movie. You get some great fuzzy and multi-frame overlaid beach sex. It's pretty funny to hear them go back and forth saying "oh no the shark" and "oh no the fish" when really it's a mollusk with teeth. The generic goon that keeps poppying up to stop the scientist is pretty funny, oh ya and it's Florida, home of trash. This movie is up there with the room in movies that really do try, but are just laughably bad. All in all (2/5) for the laughs.

The First Time: Coming-Of-Age Faggishness



I don't always write about PG movies, but when I do ... I don't know. I just do, sometimes. However, when I do take a more family-friendly route, you can bet your goddamned ass that PG movie is going to be pre-80's. Why? Because Pre-80's PG doesn't feel like PG at all. They just feel like regular movies. Nowadays, a PG rating might as well be a G rating. Or they more of less are now that "G" has sort of been phased out. To hell with now, though. Today, we're going all the way back to 1969. To a simpler, quieter time, and in a lot of ways, a better time. Today, we're going to take a look at an underseen sex comedy that is far more entertaining than it was probably ever intended to be. Today, we're going to watch three teenage boys trying to get their dicks wet, and only one succeeds. This is The First Time!

Kenny, Mike, and Tommy are the best of friends, and probably have been since a very young age. Today, Kenny's dad is moving him away, so, the gang is finally being broken up. Kenny's dad has a job which is requiring him to travel, so, not only does the motherless Kenny gets dumped on the grandparents, but he has to start over in a new town and at a new school. The depressed, little fella already felt inadequate, now, he's just lost. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a short-lived light. Mike and Tommy plan to visit Kenny, soon, and they already have some plans worked out for the reunion. Here's the thing: Kenny may or may not have thought he was ever going to see these guys again, so, he stretched the truth a bit when writing to them, never thinking he would be found out. However, things always seem to have a way of coming to light, don't they?

So, yeah. In so many words, Kenny has been telling these guys that he's been fucking bitches left and right. Kenny claimed he and some older friends (which don't exist) have been going to Canada and hitting up the whore houses. The lying little virgin pricks, Mike and Tommy, have Kenny convinced they've been fucking bitches, too, and for free. So, Mike and Tommy are very vocal about their expectations, while Kenny has to think of something and quick, or, the guys will think he's a fag, which he kind of is.

Kenny stalls for as long as he can, but the guys manage to drag the obviously hesitant Kenny all the way to Niagara Falls, Canada. After aimlessly leading Mike and Tommy around town, Kenny lucks out and spots an abandoned building, immediately expressing phony outrage about his favorite whore house getting raided. Nice save! I'll give him that, but now, Mike is all hot and bothered and dead set on some pussy, which means the hunt continues. Hey, at least Kenny is off the hook to make this happen. Getting found out is the only reason he was scared, I guess. Kenny now seems ready for a little ass, if at all possible. Tommy appears to be the only one that's not into this. As we later learn, it's because he wants to save himself for marriage, and is too scared to admit it out of fear of the guys thinking he's a fag. The three boys stumble upon a whore house-bar, and over zealously follows out a woman, thinking she's a hooker. The woman is played by a young Jaqueline Bisset, before she learned to act, apparently. Poor girl was playing the role of a seemingly sweet person, but comes off cold and unfriendly due to wooden acting. The guys don't care about personality or acting. Only pussy. Except Tommy. Tommy is literally about to piss himself because of all this.

The boys' new friend, Anna, is just some chick looking to get through the border so she can get in touch with some married man she's been sleeping with. As the boys persuade Anna back to their hotel room, they nervously try to decide how to approach this unsuspecting woman who has given zero indication that she is a prostitute. One of them shows that he's all talk and always has been, one gets off easy, and the other one gets a very pleasant surprise in the end. So, at the very least, Anna is a bit of a slut. A very nice one, though.

OK, don't even ask me why I would write about this movie because I don't have an answer. I just used to watch this on tv whenever they played it, and usually kept it on that channel until it was over. We all have our movies which we know are lame, but can't help finding comfort in. The First Time is just one of those movies, reminiscent of the simpler, quieter time, mentioned earlier. I like that shit, and I like that "Leave It To Beaver" feel of the whole thing, which was still noticeably out of place by 1969. We were very much at the point where a film like this could use some titties or a little toilet humor, but innocence prevails one last time before the 70's took over. 5/10



#Review

Retarded Wigger Impresses Some Dumb Cunts



Some movies, you just know you're not going to like. You don't even need to see the trailer. You just know. However, some movies, people won't shut up about, so, curiosity takes over as it usually does. And just like that, I had a new least favorite movie. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but today's movie, at the very least, is candidate for most unlikable film of the 2010's. Bold statement? Fuck no! Spring Breakers is what's on my mind, today, and today, I'm in a foul mood. So, today, I'm in need of a rant. And a rant is exactly what Spring Breakers has coming... bitches!

Some bored, small town sluts want to go down to Florida for the wild Spring Break they've always heard about but never got to experience. It becomes obvious right off the bat that they put this Spring Break thing on quite the pedestal, as their lack of funds drives them to petty crime. Seemingly a one time thing, but before anything can happen, this week, well, let's just say that restaurant ain't gonna rob itself. So, in the most detached manner possible, the dumb sluts rob a restaurant and take it to Florida for the the most amazing experience they've ever had. An experience they will cherish forever and ever. An experience that will be so profound and life-changing, it's just plain meant to be. Now, let's go get drunk with a bunch of strangers!

These giggly college chicks come off more like JV Cheerleaders who just recently discovered boys and rap videos. Well, they're headed to the right place. What the girls find in Florida are the most obnoxious partiers, well, in the state of Florida, drinking, cussing, dancing and middle-fingering as hard as they can. It goes without saying that these small town sluts have now found their paradise. As they join in the fun, they make mention of their Spring Break and themselves like it's all such a bigger deal than it is. It's almost like they've all been taking tons of acid, and now, they see "symbolism" everywhere. Get over yourselves! Oh, and it's just fucking Spring Break! If THIS is going to mold who you become in life, you should just go ahead and kill yourselves.

After what seems like a 3 hour-long Girls Gone Wild commercial, we are treated to the only turn of events I found amusing: The girls end up getting arrested, shattering their little Spring Break fantasy, and reminding them that life isn't perfect, which seems to genuinely confuse them. Still taking for granted that their fun week was 100% deserved, they sit there and ponder how fate could be wrong. The sluts are eventually bailed out of jail by a walking joke with big dreams and an empty head, named Alien. A small-time Rapper who is shallow and flashy enough to keep these girl's attention, indefinitely. They're flattered by Alien's sweet talk and just as impressed by all his stuff as he is, if not more. While it doesn't seem like he means them any harm, it's pretty obvious Alien is full of shit in just about every way. Although this is never acknowledged. Much like the small town sluts, Alien seems like he may be too stupid to even realize how full of shit he is. It happens.

Alien and his new friends (minus one who took off) dance, fuck, drink, play with guns, throw their middle fingers in the air, all the while acting like it's all a far deeper experience than it is. All of this goes on at an infuriating rate until an actual storyline comes along involving Alien's feud with an actual black guy. Alien lays on the sweet talk extra thick, finds some pussy masks, and convinces his hoes to help him take out his enemy, so they can continue having Spring Break forever. Because that's a thing, apparently.

Yeah, I get it. But only because it was explained to me afterwards. Tongue-in-cheek, right? If you say so. I feel like it's all far too unlikable for it to make any difference, to be honest. Maybe those who are more familiar with the films of Harmony Korine would appreciate all the subtleties. To me, Spring Breakers comes off like it was made by some shallow loser who merely wanted to show the world how fun Spring Break can be. From what I understand, Spring Breakers is deep pretending to be shallow pretending to be deep. Or at least that's the story they're going with. I'm still having a hard time seeing past the shallow and the obnoxious, and I refuse to believe I'm the only one. All I see is a bunch of fucking retards stroking their own egos, while this imaginary self-awareness is somehow supposed to make it all really cool. Either way, here's something for the terminally uncool to live vicariously through, while pretending to appreciate the satirical aspect. Nice try, fags! We both know why you like this movie. 2/10



#Review

If Wrestlers and Horror Characters Switched Roles

Wrestlers like horror characters have their gimmicks. Some cheesy, some creepy. What wrestling persona (alive or dead)would you put into which horror film to replace the killer(s)? And which killer would you enjoy seeing in a wrestling match? Which wrestler would be their best opponent?

Cube series, and gauntlet-type movies

Back in 1997, the first "Cube" movie came out. I don't remember much about it, other than the basic premise: a bunch of people wake up in a giant cube filled with traps and must work together to find their way out. Of course, people panic and often sabotage others in their efforts to escape. Honestly, the ending of the movie doesn't even matter, because it's pretty ambiguous, so whatever.

The first movie doesn't seem too far-fetched, because if I remember correctly, it's mostly mechanical traps with specific triggers. It's math based puzzles and pattern-solving, and whatnot. While I personally would be screwed by those type of questions, I guess it makes sense enough.

Then, the second movie "Hypercube" (2002) deals with multi-dimensional cubes, and the sci-fi is turned up to 11. Again, nothing is truly answered in these movies so far, and the ending still makes zero sense, leaving you pretty apathetic about the whole experience.

Part 3 is actually part 0, a prequel from 2004. It starts off with some gnarly gore of a man melting, but again, it quickly delves into some illogical sci-fi shennanigans. People getting caught up into traps that seem to magically entangle them, yada yada...



It's clear these movies were in the inspiration for 'Saw'. As much as I don't care for the Saw movies, at least those had a realistic basis to them. Most of those traps had a mechanical grounding to them, so in its own twisted way, it made sense. Cube though? Hardly. Too much bad CGI and nonsensically intellectual jargon going on in these movies.


Thoughts on the Cube series? And/or compared to Saw? And possibly any other gauntlet/trap type movies like this?

It's been 2 years since Bowie died...

I still have a hard time wrapping my head the fact that David Bowie isn't alive anymore. He was such a phenomenon for half a century, and then poof. No more. I really thought he would be around forever. You assume famous people can buy their way out of anything, even illness and cancer, but what do you know? Famous people get it too.

"Boys Keep Swinging" has been stuck in my head for months. If I had to re-evaluate my top-10, this would be on it.

Stree (2018)

Went to the theater today and watched a Bollywood horror movie. It is funny when they don't complete curse words in the subtitles. Shit was sh##.

The movie was based on the urban legend of Nale Ba. A female ghost comes to town at night and abducts any man that doesn't have "Stree, come back tomorrow" written in blood on their door during a four day festival. It reminds me a little of Jewish Passover.

Overall, I found the movie interesting and enjoyable. The main characters were well developed and relatable, the urban myth used was interesting, and some parts were tense and scary. On the negative side, there was only one dance number during the movie which wasn't much fun, I would have liked for them to get a little deeper into the myth, there was no gore at all, and they added comedy in some of the suspenseful moments which took away from the tension.

Overall, the positives outweigh the negatives, and I enjoyed watching it. I consider it an above average movie. 7/10.

Sanford and Son - A real Trash Epic

It's funny how your mind wanders. The other day, @der bought me a sangria, and I immediately thought of Sanford and Son.



I watched all of that fucking show. It's fucking hilarious. Redd Foxx played Fred G. "Sanford". That's S A N... F O R D. Period. He was a cranky old black man who couldn't bear with the thought of his son moving on without him, so he'd often sabotage his efforts to make it big. Demond Wilson played "Son" aka Lamont Sandford, the cool, chill black protagonist with an afro who's just trying to get by... and get laid.

My mom bought me all 6 seasons on dvd, because I'd watch that shit. It's got a great theme song, and it's a trash epic. Literally, it's about people who deal in the junk business, and it's just blaxploitaiton/racist jokes, filmed in front of a live studio audience.



So if there are any fans, have any of you watched the show "Sanford", in which I guess Lamont left from the dynamic, and it was only Redd Roxx? Cuz that sounds pretty fucking awesome."

The Shit Emoji 💩

Why is the shit emoji so popular? When I buy a pack of lighters at the store, usually at least one of them has 💩 on it. A lot of fidget spinners have 💩 on them. My nephews have pencil erasers with 💩 on them.

Why, oh why, oh why is this a popular thing? Why are emojis standardized into today's tech, and recognized as valid characters? Does this mean that people will soon be able to legally change their names to "💩"? When asked how you spell something like that, do you just say "shit emoji"?

I have a friend who's a little slow, but he seems to think that "kick-ass" is spelled "kick a💩💩". I don't like that I get newsfeeds with emojis in the title. In fact, I don't like that emojies can be used on this or any website nowadays. What is the world coming to?