Shot-On-Shiteo: Never Recycle Trash
Anyone ever wonder what became of crazy fat Ethel after that abrupt ending to Criminally Insane? Yeah, me either. As much as I would have loved an extra 15 minutes more of that movie, I'm good, and am definitely capable of using my imagination regarding the immediate and distant future of Ethel Janowski. So, no, Mr. Millard. That's quite alright. No need to risk making the worst part 2 in the history of part 2s just to give us Criminally Insane fans closure. That is, unless you have some really good ideas planned ... Just kidding. He already made it. That's just what I would have said to Nick Millard in 1987, had I heard about this and was someone he knew and listened to. I'm sure you get the joke. However, Criminally Insane 2 is no joke. At least I'm pretty sure it's not. Let's just assume this was an honest attempt at a movie, as we've been given no reason to think otherwise. Yet, one thing made abundantly clear right off the bat is that, somewhere between 1973 and 1987, Nick Millard became a lazy pile of shit.
Adding filler to movies isn't exactly a crime, but that's not really what we're looking at, here, is it? We're looking at more than 60% of the runtime consisting of scenes from the original movie. And right after some familiar opening credits, the tone is set as we get a quick glimpse of Ethel in the mental hospital, only to be shown an immediate flashback which lasts thrice as long. Ethel sits there, day dreaming about the good old days during that short time period between grandmother's death and her inevitable capture. And even more tone setting as Ethel indulges in some old looking pudding after a light lunch. Ethel feels as if it wasn't enough and makes this known at the top of her lungs. At this point, we've practically already seen the entire movie.
The mental hospital where Ethel has been staying hasn't been getting the funding it needs and is being forced to release the less necessary patients. For some reason, they think Ethel fits into this category. She doesn't. One could make the case that she doesn't seem quite as delusional or dangerous as she once did but we can tell Ethel isn't sorry. We can tell she's still that crazy fat fuck who would kill a relative for a plate of baked potatoes. Ethel may have shed a few pounds, but she's still Ethel.
As luck would have it, the nice people from the asylum hooked Ethel up with a spot in a halfway house, ran by Mrs. Bartholomew, whose motto is "We must never lose hope". And considering her first name is Hope, I'd say she really means this. Hope Bartholomew looks pretty old, but insists she's not Ethel's dead grandmother when accused. There's also some guy with a mustache, hanging around. Ethel thinks he's George "Buck" Flower, of all people. He's not.
After thinking about the events of the first movie for a while, Ethel takes a nap and dreams about the events of the first movie. Meanwhile, some idiot eats broth containing dead flies. Later on, the same idiot eats some dog food which Ethel thinks is funny. A few minutes later, she kills a guy for eating a candy bar in front of her, even though he had offered her one. After the much-needed laugh and murder, Ethel is all tuckered out and ready for another nap. During this nap, Ethel dreams about the events of the first movie. Later on, Ethel gets blackmailed out of her pudding by the mustache guy. Although I don't know why she even cares because it looks like that same old pudding from the asylum. But believe me. She cares! After a failed poisoning of her blackmailer, Ethel does the dishes, has an apple and stabs him to death. After thinking about stuff she did in the first movie, Ethel kills everyone else, leading to one last nap. You'll never believe what she dreams about, this time...
What kind of careless dickhead does this? I get that not all directors take themselves or their movies super seriously, but this is so much more than an inferior sequel. And like I said, I don't even think this is a joke. Criminally Insane 2 is a scam. I'm not sure if Millard stood to make anything off this, but one afternoon in 1987, something resembling a sequel to Criminally Insane came to be. Like it or not. Whatever. I personally never asked for a sequel, so, this guy can shove it up his ass as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, though. It wouldn't have killed him to have a couple of those flashbacks take place during Ethel's stay at the nut house. Or if he was so in love with the original, why not remake it? Or do the sequel and have it be a short film. Literally anything but this would have been an improvement.
I couldn't help laughing when I watched Ethel, sitting there, eating pretzels. Even something so minor stays true to the tone of the movie. Think about it like this: We've gone from Exrta large Ethel to medium Ethel. We've gone from film to video. And yes. We have gone from watching Ethel choke down Nilla Wafers to sorry ass pretzels! You won't find one aspect that's not completely inferior to that of the original. One more thing I should point out. I've seen three post-Criminally Insane 2 films by Nick Millard. Death Nurse 1 and 2, and Cemetery Sisters. All three of these 60 minute SOVs include scenes from Criminally Insane, yet, none of them has a single thing to do with it. So, there's that. Take from it what you will. Well, maybe THAT was a joke? Maybe he got into drugs? Who knows? All I can say is Nick Millard is a real piece of work. 1/10
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PTA is a seriws director, real hollywood movies and everything, he Boogie with Marky Mark and fight with his buddy Adam, all this before there was Blood and fame. Cults, Vice and odd Danny Dress you follows with a nice nod to Fiona Apple along the way. She's awesome. Paul Thomas, regardless of what you make of his direction style, does get the most out of his actors, and usually results in a compelling film whatever the content.