A Week Without a Woman

All of my adult life, I have lived with a woman as a life-partner, lover, spouse, what-have-you. That's right, all of the weird shit you've seen me post through the years, there's been a woman next to me.

This week my chick-person-who-I-own is away to participate in a wedding ceremony for one of her friends. I stayed home to work. I hadn't anticipated a lax schedule, so now I'm just sitting around, jackin' it.

On one hand, I feel like a teenager whose parents have left me alone for the first time. On the other hand, I don't want to invite any one over, have a party, get fucked up, advance my social life and I don't feel like there's anything sneaky I want to try to pull off that I don't already do regularly.

Day 1:
Got a call saying someone called off from work and was I busy? Could I make it? I said "Gotta take my woman, who I own, to the airport." It was a lie; she was going there herself, I just wanted to be home to hug her good-bye up to the last second.

Jacked off 3 times.

Watched a ton of movies that would be either too bloody, sexist or just plain bad for her to enjoy with me (Maniac, New York Ripper, I Don't Want to Be Born, The Farmer's Daughters, etc...)

Cooked a 10-lb. pork shoulder which will be my food for the entire week. I didn't season it so it could remain versatile for multiple uses. (I ate my supper, pork with rice and sriracha, with a giant spatula)

Got a 12 pack of Squirt soda, a giant bag of jelly beans, a handle of bottom-shelf vodka, a bag of BBQ potato chips, a bag of jalepeno chips, a 10-pack of Reeces Peanut Butter cups and a bunch of ice cream.

Day 2:
Woke up at 9:36, texted the missus, asked her to call me when she woke up. Sleeping alone sucks. She called me, felt better, but not good.

Plugged an old hard drive into my TV, saw some old files I don't remember. What is this? Turns out, it was random tranny porn. Jacked off to that.

Looked up "How to send tasteful dickpics." Hey, are you guys aware of this tumblr? -- https://critiquemydickpic.tumblr.com . It's pretty useful. I posed around the room, trying out some shots. But I don't have a camera and my phone is a geezer. So I just--

Wow, I just realized that when you're typing and a spider walks into your text on TrashEpics here, it falls dead. Cool.

Anyway, so I just aimed my laptop all over the place with my wang out. My first dickpics ever, probably won't send 'em. Just was fantasizing, "Maybe she'll miss me?"

Did Laundry. Texted Her about which dryer in the basement (there are 3 in my complex) actually works 'cause I always forget. She said the middle one. I asked what she was doing. "At the Hotel pool." I asked for a swimsuit selfie, got one. Hoped she would ask for a dickpic, instead she said she ordered an over-priced pina colada. I responded with a dumb pun including the phrase "penis cocklotta" and hoped she got drunk enough to ask for a dickpic. What am I thinking though? She never wants to look at my lousy dangus in real life-- why would she want to see it all pixelated and unfocused? Maybe that would make it better, though? Anyway, I told her I was going to clean the house.

Shat constantly, a liberated freedom crap with the door open. It lasted at least an hour was segmented into multiple bathroom visits, and required grunts, groans, moans and loving sighs. There were too many segments of poop to name, they came out like 101 dalmations. And after it was done, I just sat there, as if it was still happening.

Took a shower. Listened to DJ Quik , really, really loud. (Please click that DJ Quik name if you really wanna get the feeling)...
The house is a mess and I'm not going to clean it.

Being without your loved one sucks. It's not meant for the sensitive modern man such as myself. Who am I to blame for mistakes now, but myself?

Zombeavers theme music is amazing

I give the movie a 3/5.
I give this video a 5/5.

Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994)

Hey guys. Good to be back. I had a shit load of computer issues of late and spent most of forum time working on my blog. But I'm back up and running :)

Anyway I watched Dark Angel: The Ascent again tonight and it still holds up as a low budget gem from Full Moon. The gore is cheap and charming and the lead actress is stunning. Has anybody else seen it?

Stryer's War (1985)



I finally picked this up. Going to watch it tonight. I've wanted to see it for so long but it was always so damn expensive to import. But I finally bit the bullet and paid haha

Big Time in Hollywood, FL



A new TV show debuted on Comedy Central back in March called Big Time in Hollywood, FL, and it's really awesome. The first season concluded this week and I'd like to talk about it because I think it's the kind of show that people on this site would enjoy.

Basically, the show's about two brothers, Ben and Jack Dolfe, who are two amatuer filmmakers with no jobs who make no budget films with the help of their slow witted friend, Del. They're ambitious, yet delusional and still live with their parents, despite being grown adults. In the pilot episode, they're forced by their parents to move out and find jobs. Instead of doing that, they come up with a scheme to extort $20,000 from their parents to help fund their future projects. Things go seemingly well and they even hire an actor, Jimmy Staats (played by Ben Stiller) to portray a drug dealer to "kidnap" their friend, Del and force their parents into paying the ransom money he demands. Shit hits the fan when they don't anticipate their parents calling the cops, which results in Staats being brutally shot to death, setting into motion one hell of a crazy string of events!



The show is similar to Breaking Bad in the sense that almost every episode builds up to some crazy or violent shit. It also has a lot of swearing for a basic cable show (which is bleeped out, unfortunately) and really pushes the envelope as far as blood & gore go. Some of the people who pop up include: Michael Madsen as Harvey Scoles, a private investigator, Keith David as Malloy, a federal agent, Jane Kaczmarek as Dr. Moore, a psychiatrist, and even Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jason Alexander as themselves! I've never been the biggest fan of Cuba, but he's hilarious and phenomenal on this show.



Overall, it's a great, dark sitcom that's worth a watch. Towards the end of the season they make a buddy cop movie with a fucking chimp! Best NOT movie ever!

Here's a link to the trailer for the series because I can't seem to embed it in this post for some reason:

This is pretty much the greatest movie ever

Kung Fury finally came out this month, it's only 30 minutes, and it's available on youtube. Do yourself a favor and be blasted with a wave of retro 1980s cheese.

Color Me Blood Red (1965)



Color Me Blood Red was the last of the Lewis-Friedman produced Exploitation films of the 60's. Filmed in Sarasota, Florida in 1965, this final installment of Their groundbreaking Blood Trilogy was, for the most part, back to basics after the surprisingly successful epic, Two Thousand Maniacs. This new turkey would be a bit more simplistic like Blood Feast. But gorier, dumber, and while not nearly as legendary, alot more fun in my opinion.

Adam Sorg has many problems. One of which is that he's a complete douchebag who is always picking on his stupid but hot girlfriend for no reason. He also seems to always be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Adam is wound tighter than a cheap watch, as they say. Even daily water-bike rides on the ocean outside his sweet beach house isn't enough to make this dickhole happy. Worst of all, Adam Sorg is a famous painter who has seemed to have lost his touch, and hasn't put out anything worth bragging about in some time. Pressure from his art dealer forces Adam to think outside the box, and come up with something truly original.

And when he accidentally cuts his finger on a nail, it finally comes to him. Blood is a really beautiful shade of red. So much so, that he could probably get away with using it to paint any piece of sh!t he wants and it would probably be a big hit. Which actually turns out to be the case. After hours of using his own blood, and nearly passing out, Adam is once again, forced to think outside the box. And since the stupid, hot girlfriend has been exceptionally irritating today, and she is HERE, why not just stab her in the head, drain her of all blood, and bury the corpse apprroximately a foot and a half in the sand outside on the beach? Holy bananas! Sounds like a plan! But then again, there's not THAT much blood in the human body. So, this might have to become a regular thing. And being that Adam is a douchebag who has recently gone insane, it seems about the right time for a killing spree.

Color Me Blood Red is most everyone's third favorite of the trilogy. But unlike the previous two installments, the so bad it's goodness seems to come solely from the ridiculous dialogue written by Lewis and Friedman in a matter of hours. And it shows.Jokes so unfunny that they're actually kind of funny. The mad painter teasing "F words" and "S words", yet never delivering for seemingly no reason. Dialogue that sounds like it was written by old people who watched too much Leave It To Beaver. Take away the gore and Color Me Blood Red IS Leave It To Beaver. I don't know about you, but I love that show. And I love gore. As long as it took this movie to grow on me, I've come to appreciate it for what it is. Color Me Blood Red is a perfect example of a bad movie being so oblivious to how lame and silly it is, that it's actually a little endearing. This isn't Herschell's worst be a mile, but still bad in all the right ways.

But in such a bad movie with bad dialogue, one would think the acting would leave a little to be desired. But not so. Especially our bloodthirsty villain, theater actor, Gordon Oas-Heim. By far, the most talented actor to play a villain in a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie. Not that that's saying much. Just sayin'. Some time before this film's release, Herschell Lewis and his long time producer parted ways, Herschell would go on to direct several more gore films. Some better than this one, and some worse. But none would have that special Florida gore magic of Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs, and Color Me Blood Red. As corny as it may be, at times, this film was the end of an era. 6/10



#Review

An Introduction, Finally

It's about time I did one of these. Anyway, I've known the creator of this site, Renzo_Capetto for some time now. We met on the IMDb forums back in 2006 or so. I used to post there all the time, especially back in my high school days when I was anti-social. I don't post there anymore, but still use the site to rate films, watch trailers, look up people, stuff like that. I took time off from being on the internet so much to focus on college and other junk, and figured this site was better to join than going back to IMDb to post.

I'm a nice, laid back guy who isn't really offended by anything and who's also weird and geeky, but I'm not ashamed of that. I'm also weird in the sense that I hate people, and love people too; a dissonance for sure. The reason for it is that I think people can suck, but people can also be aweome. The awesome people of course are the ones who make the world a better place by doing good or creating awesome art and/or entertainment. In the case of this site, awesome trash. In my free time, I watch flicks and TV shows, play the occasional video game, read, write, masturbate (hey, just being honest!), play guitar and drums (when I'm motivated enough) and do whatever I can to entertain myself. I work full time (usually) at a grocery store and make $14 an hour. Not the best gig in the world, but the pay is great for such an easy job. I'm hoping I can post here as often as I can and see what kind of trashy flicks I should watch!

So, it's come to this...

I'm more or less checked out of imdb, though I've not deleted my account there and may return for the October Challenge or to host the December one I don't have much time/energy to watch films during the week and post there to the sort of standard I established for myself. I was feeling like posting there was more of an obligation than because I was really engaged in horror and weirdness and the community and I just wasn't having fun the way I used to. But I do still watch a fair amount of horror and weirdness and general trash and I do like to chat about it and the metal blog I follow and Facebook group I post in aren't entirely appropriate fora even though several members do dig similar stuff. So here I am.

In general BloodWank news, work is going swimmingly, it provides me with plentiful free books, reasonably stimulating tasks and lots of time to think in a cheerful, stress free environment. Working in a large publishers library with a small staff of sane, intelligent people and rarely having to deal with the general public is pretty much living the dream for me. Other than working and reading I've gotten back into going to gigs and not only have been blown away by the likes of Horna, Grave Miasma and Melechesh but have made a lovely music buddy and may go to Bloodstock with her and her friends.

Recent viewing has included Mad Max: Fury Road (wooooo!!!), Unfriended (not great but unexpectedly tasty at times), Back in Action and Tough and Deadly (Billy Blanks and Roddy Piper make a great team!), The Perfect Weapon and Street Knight (Jeff Speakman should have made more waves, he was fun) and Der Todesking (a little disappointing but worth it for the moments of visual poetry, gnarly knob chopping and a great score).

How goes the Universe here?

I text people.

These are some of the recent drunk texts I've sent:

"Aerosmith, and the only other thing in the world that isn't Aerosmith, a marshmallow, had a standoff. They stood face to face. "You'll never be Aerosmith," said Aerosmith. "You'll never be a marshmallow" said the marshmallow. They stood there like that for, like, forever."

MY FRIEND REPLIED:
"It was the best infinite stand off concert to ever happen becuz it's still happening and always will be"

I REPLIED:
"Far superior to the feud of the south-going zax and the north-going zax. Are you familiar with that Dr. Suess story? With the zax?"

HE REPLIED:
Nope.

I REPLIED:
Then eat shit, puke it into a stanktwat, suck it back out, have syphillis, be stuck constantly in a concentration camp, watch the movie The Sixth Sense over and over, have boiling water poured on your head, you suck and i hate you, get driven over by an el camino, put a crowbar in your sweatpores, or just read the story. Eat your mom's pussy/cunt.

Eat a live duck, feathers and all. Or read the story. Slam your head to death on your kitchen table. Or read the story. Have a million gallons of silicone injected into your earlobes. You're not my friend any more. Fuck you. Or read the story. GET RAPED. Or read the story.