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Reviews with Ballz: Night of the Living Dead

image In wanting to do something special on Trash Epics for October, I've decided to write a four-part series of reviews, which will cover the first four movies of George Romero's Dead series: Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985), and Land of the Dead (2005). I'm skipping Diary of the Dead (2007) and Survival of the Dead (2009), both because they kind of reboot the series and because no one cares much about them anyway. And I'm not going to beat around the bush here: I love this series. It's easily my favorite horror series and these reviews will most certainly reflect that.

Night of the Living Dead is, appropriately, the first movie that I saw in the Dead series. I only have a few vague memories of that first time, but I do very clearly remember being frightened by it and I'd say for good reason. A cemetery, a farmhouse, no vehicle to get away in, no way to contact anyone for help, and the recently deceased wandering around, pursuing and attacking anyone who's still alive. All perfect, classic, horror movie elements, elements that have been inspiring, ripped off, and spoofed many times since, because Night of the Living Dead is, for good reason, considered the beginning of what people now think of as your typical zombie.

Grab a gun, board up your doors and windows, and join me for another... Reviews with Ballz!

image Night of the Living Dead starts off with brother and sister, Johnny (Russell Streiner) and Barbra (Judith O'Dea), headed down an isolated road to a cemetery to visit their father's grave. Ominous music plays in the background, taken from a stock music library like all other music in the movie, and it's a simple but very effective scene, perfectly setting up the terror that's about to unfold. As Johnny parks the car in the cemetery, the announcer on the radio comes on, talking about how they're back after some technical difficulties. Nothing to be alarmed about, Johnny shrugs it off and joins Barbra in finding their father's grave.


image They aren't in the cemetery for long at all before Johnny decides to start fucking around by teasing Barbra and trying to scare her. This is when he says one of the famous lines of horror cinema history: "They're coming to get you, Barbra!" The perfect line to start George Romero's multi-movie zombie nightmare. Eventually, we move on to a nearby farmhouse, where we meet Ben (Duane Jones), Harry Cooper (Karl Hardman), and several others. While the other actors all do a fine job with their roles, it's Jones and Hardman who really steal the show. Every scene they're in together is just great.


image Night of the Living Dead isn't my favorite of the Dead series, but as I said before, I love it. Everything in it just works really well. The plot, the settings, the music, the actors, the minimal effects. It's impressive what can be done with just $114,000. Sure, that kind of budget wouldn't get you far now, but I feel like low budget then and low budget now have two very different meanings or they at least have two very different mindsets behind them. The movie isn't very gory, especially when compared to the later movies in the Dead series. You aren't thinking about that when you're watching this however because of how great everything else is, though since Tom Savini was originally supposed to do the effects in this as he did for the next two movies, it does make you wonder what he might have been able to do with the budget they had to work with.

image My only real complaint about this movie is the character of Barbra. It wasn't the actress who was the problem, but the character herself and how she was written. I get that she's in shock over everything, but it gets old fast. It's like when there's an annoying, useless kid in a serious movie. Realistic? Maybe. Fun to watch though? Not at all. At least Tom Savini's 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead improves upon her character, giving her some actual purpose instead of having her just sit around talking crazy. And what really pisses me off is that Romero damn near pulls this same exact shit again in Dawn of the Dead! But more on that issue in that review.

If you've somehow never seen this movie, then you really need to get on that, because you're really missing out of a piece of classic, genre-defining cinema. Avoid the 30th Anniversary Edition of the movie though. I've never seen it myself, but I've never heard a good thing about it.

My Rating: 4/5

#Review #ReviewsWithBallz #Zombie
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The Greatest Halloween Movies Ever

image In honor of autumn, I figured it would be fitting to do some seasonal content. For most of us, seasonal content means horror movies. I spent the past few weeks trying to come up with a list of the best Halloween films... but I couldn't. I'm terrible at making lists, which is why I took another approach...

I have tweaked the media search to sort by ratings now. What this means is that we can make definitive Trash Epics lists just by voting and filtering by a keyword. For example, I present to you a list we an all influence:

The Greatest Halloween Movies Ever
https://junkepics.com/film/?category=1&limit=31&sort=value&tags=halloween
(according to us)

Moderators can add as many titles as they wish. All you gotta do is vote, because we wont have a damn weighted system like IMDB.


EDIT: I posted this on imdb last year and everyone gave me shit for it.
IMDB can go suck my nuts! emoticon

#FuckImdb #Halloween #List #Movie
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Reviews with Ballz: Ravenous

image When most horror fans think of cannibal movies, they probably think of the ones that came out of Italy during the 1970's and 1980's, particularly those by Ruggero Deodato. But Antonia Bird's Ravenous (1999) has nothing to do with Italy and their cannibal movies, besides the fact that it's also a cannibal movie. I wouldn't even call it inspired by those. It's nowhere near as gory, though it's still quite bloody.

Featuring Guy Pearce (Memento), Robert Carlyle (28 Weeks Later), Jeffrey Jones (Ferris Bueller's Day Off), and David Arquette (Scream series), Ravenous goes back into the 1800's and seemingly taking inspiration from the Donner Party, proceeds to explore just what kind of lengths men will go to when they need to survive in the wilderness.

So grab a severed arm or leg to snack on and join me for another... Reviews with Ballz!



image John Boyd (Guy Pearce) is a soldier in the Mexican-American War and is promptly promoted from Second Lieutenant to Captain when he returns from war for kicking some major ass. However, it is quickly revealed that the ass kicking he delivered wasn't all that it was cracked up to be and as punishment, he's sent off to a snowy hellhole called Fort Spencer to get him far away from anyone else except for the few other soldiers stationed at the fort.

image Once at the fort, Colonel Hart (Jeffrey Jones) gives Boyd a quick introduction to everyone else there and lets Boyd get settled in. It's not long however before a man named F.W. Colqhoun (Robert Carlyle) shows up out of the wilderness to tell them about how he and several others were traveling by wagon only to become lost. The soldiers at the fort decide to go look for other survivors and so most of them, including Boyd, set off into the wilderness themselves.

image There's quite a few things going on in this movie that make me like it as much as I do, besides the cannibalism. For one, the fact that it's a period piece adds a certain edge to the movie I think. That's not always the case since some movies want to go that route and proceed to feature almost nothing from the selected period, making you wonder why the hell they just didn't set it in modern times, but with Ravenous, I think they did a good job with portraying that time in the 1800's. And that leads me to the music they use in the movie, which fits in very well. One track that they use a few times has almost an upbeat tone to it, but even with that, it just works for where it's used.

image There's also the violence in the movie. It gets quite violent with lots of blood being thrown around, which pleases the fuck out of someone like me. Now, I don't think this is the bloodiest movie I've ever seen, but something kind of funny is that supposedly, they ran out of fake blood in the middle of filming. To me, that's something everyone involved with the movie should be proud of. So if you haven't seen this movie before, I say check it out ASAP.

My Rating: 5/5

#Cannibals #DavidArquette #GuyPearce #JeffreyJones #Ravenous #Review #ReviewsWithBallz #RobertC
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Reviews with Ballz: Frogs

image When I was a kid, I remember seeing a few short parts of George McCowan's Frogs (1972) on TV. Of course, since I was a giant pussy about horror movies as a kid, I never sat down to watch it in full. But I recently noticed that it's on Netflix and decided to finally see this movie in its entirety, despite the somewhat low rating it seems to generally receive.

Sam Elliott (Tombstone, The Big Lebowski) stars in this cheesy movie about frogs and other reptiles who have had enough of humanity's bullshit. Just look at the poster if you don't believe me on the cheesy part. A human hand dangling out of a giant frog's mouth! Unfortunately, that never actually happens in the movie except for this animated frog at the very end of the credits, but I think it still really sets the tone for what you should expect from the movie.

Find out if this is 1970's cheese worth watching with another... Reviews with Ballz!


image Right away, Frogs lets you know that it's intended to be an eco-horror movie as we watch Pickett Smith (Sam Elliot) make his way through a swamp in a canoe, taking pictures first of the various wildlife in the swamp and then of things like litter and sewer water that have made their way into the swamp. Now I'm not someone who goes out of their way to protect the environment (don't get me wrong, I'm not some fucking litterbug either), but this is a pretty grim opening.

image Eventually, Pickett meets up with the Crockett family, who live in a mansion in the area and as you eventually find out, have gathered for a celebration. One of the first things they talk about to Pickett is how much they dislike the frogs in the area because they can't sleep at night from the noise. So Pickett decides to stick around, both to try finding a solution to their frog problem that doesn't result in wiping out the area's wildlife and to also enjoy the celebration that the Crocketts have planned.

image It's not long however before the bodies start piling up, each death caused by the wildlife in one way or another. Frogs, snakes, alligators, and even birds take part in teaching the humans a lesson for fucking up the swampland and surrounding area. As I watched, I couldn't help thinking of Skinny Puppy's song, Nature's Revenge, though that's about weather, not animals. Because that's exactly what this movie was: nature's revenge. And that concept worked rather well in providing a pretty entertaining, cheesy, horror movie.



image I really ended up liking this movie a lot by the end. The isolation of it all and the idea of something overthrowing humans are two things that have always appealed to me in horror movies. There's little blood, but that's not surprising considering when it was made. But what blood is there is used effectively. There was also a pretty nasty shot of a corpse that I thought was done rather well for a movie like this.

My Rating: 4/5

#Frogs #GeorgeMcCowan #Review #ReviewsWithBallz #SamElliott
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Scream Baby Scream (1969)

image Here's an interesting little film. Why it's apart of the Troma catalogue is beyond me, as it would be a better fit on a Something Weird Video double feature with some William Grefe' snooze-fest. An interesting film nonetheless. Written by none other than Larry Cohen of all people. But something about this film annoys me. Several things, actually. First off, the main character, Janet. This disagreeable ice queen comes off like a snooty, self important little bitch. Fancying herself all deep and intellectual. The look on her face tells me she's constipated. And I sincerely hope that's the case.


Scream Baby Scream offers some extremely unlikable college students who fancy themselves artists. There's of course constipated ice queen Janet, her grumpy, neglected boyfriend, Jason, whom she contradicts every chance she gets. I would feel bad for the guy if he wasn't such a dick himself. He's expecially a dick to Janet's friend, Scotty (played by Rodney from The Gruesome Twosome). image Which is fine, cuz Scotty is a tool. Apparently intended as some sort of comedy relief for this piece of shit, but failing miserable at every attempt. Then, there's Marika. She's okay.

This group of frenemies hangs out, they bicker, trip on acid at the zoo, and just wanders around, killing time for 45 minutes until a story is finally thrown together. Janet's fascination with a famous painter that recently visited their art class gets her in the middle of his drama with some crazy doctor that he lives with. I'm not 100% clear on everything from the incoherent, badly lit last 1/3 of the movie. But what matters here is that bad things happen to Janet. After getting kidnapped by the artist she so idolizes, she gets her face disfigured as a part of some sort of plastic surgery experiment. But now, they got dick boy Jason to worry about. For some reason, he wants to rescue Janet from these crazy fucks. Hopefully, he'll just leve her there once her sees that ugly face of hers.

image A unusual obscurity this movie is. The characters do a terrible job at acting like a group of friends who know eachother and stuff. And the last 1/3 of the movie feels very out of place, as if it's an entirely diffrent movie. Not really much of an ending, as it just kind of ends out of nowhere. As dumb and pointless as Scream Baby Scream is, I do find obscure little oddities like this quite interesting. Movies where the cast members would go on to do little to nothing else.Not alot of info on this one. No extras like interviews or commentary, as it can only be found on one of the Toxie's Triple Terror sets along with Fertilize The Blaspheming Bombshell and Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator. Not surprisingly, Scream Baby Scream is by far the high point of that triple feature. But the point is, no extras sheding any light on how things went down with this movie. I'll bet Something Weird Video would have provided something for us Scream Baby Scream fans. All Troma gives us is a trailer they threw together, featuring sound effects from Redneck Zombies. Talk about out of place.

Scream Baby Scream is like a 60's Herschell Gordon Lewis gore film without the gore. All the other elements were present. A mad painter, Ineptitude, wooden acting, silly bullshit, and of course, the Florida location. When viewing Scream Baby Scream for the first time, I waited and waited for the gore, and waited some more. But there's none to be had. Which makes me wonder, what exactly was the point? Perhaps to build up this despicable character who's posing as the heroine, only to have her ugly face and worthless life ruined as a pay off to those of us who despise her? Probably not. But ya know what? I'll take it! 4/10

image

#Review
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Children of the Dark (2008)

As horror fans, we are used to seeing graphic and bloody depictions. That stuff is just common place in this day and age. But even the most jaded horror fan will still squirm uncomfortably whenever children are depicted as being abused, both physically and sexually. That kinda stuff is just too taboo, especially if the scenes happen to be graphic. Children of the Dark isn't a horror movie, but is just about as horrifying as anything you could see.

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A Japanese journalist investigates illegal organ trafficking in Thailand, and finds himself in a world that's connected with pedophiles and the mafia. Those who know me know I'm no stranger to anything disturbing or fucked up. But even movies like A Serbian Film haven't desensitised me to child abuse. And the child abuse scenes in this movie are brutal. If a movie like Mysterious Skin was too much for you, stay away from this one. I put this on par with the movie Silenced (2011). Though the abuse scenes are not frequent, when they do happen, it's enough to make your skin crawl. Even some scenes where no abuse is occurring is exceptionally daring and provoking. Seeing children riddled with AIDS and thrown out in the rubbish is about as grim and depressing as it comes. This is not a feel good movie. This is bleak, dark and important film making.

image

Despite the very disturbing subject matter, this movie is pretty well made. The acting, the cinematography, the atmosphere and the script was all top notch. It's not perfect, I'll make that clear. It goes for over two hours, which was overly long imo. The editing and flow of the movie could have also used a bit more work, and the ending, while incredibly shocking, felt like it came out of nowhere. But the story is strong, and brings up several different ethical concepts. How ethical is it for a journalist to stand by and allow a victim to suffer, all for the glory of the story? Does the cycle of abuse generate any sympathy for a perpetrator who used to be a victim? Would you allow an innocent child to die to save your own? I can see many people debating this movie after they see it. And it's movies that do that, that cause such an impact on the viewer, that succeed where many other movies are often forgotten. I can guarantee that anyone who watches this movie will not forget it soon after. And that is a victory for the filmmakers. Even if it did get pulled from the Bangkok International Film Festival, it still makes its statements loud and clearly.

https://cfile6.uf.tistory.com/R750x0/150F804F51277452199D6B

Anyone who has a penchant for fucked up cinema, will no doubt find this movie something to their interests. But don't expect to enjoy this movie. It's not one that can be easily enjoyed. Instead it shows you the darker side of humanity in an unflinching portrayal. If you want to be disturbed, you've come to the right place.

image

7/10


For those who enjoyed this, also check out Silenced (2011).

Thankyou for reading.

https://cfile9.uf.tistory.com/image/166A57034BE7D15F103BE9

#ChildDeath #ChildMolester #ChildRape #Extreme #Journalism #OrganTrafficking
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Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

image
I have seen the light. An atheist no more, I can say to you, hand on heart, that there is a God. And, what's more I can prove it.

If you're anything like meβ€’, you've probably been wondering what would happen if Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees battled the combined evil forces of Donald Pleasence, Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, and, er... Frankie Howerd,

youtube
with a glorious medley of Beatles covers.

You haven't?

Well, I have for years. But how, in God's sweet everlasting everything, would I answer this particular conundrum?

Thankfully, less than a year after I was born (how serendipitous β€” it's almost as if a certain Big Man in the Sky knew I'd want to know in the future...), Hollywood power trio of Michael Schultz, Henry Edwards and Robert Stigwood ("Who?!" I hear you cry) were on hand to answer this question of the ages. In 1978 they directed, wrote and produced Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!

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Now before I go any further in this review, I would just like to reiterate the concept of this film. Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees battle the combined evil forces of Donald Pleasence, Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, and Frankie Howerd with a medley of Beatles covers.

Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees battle the combined evil forces of Donald Pleasence, Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, and Frankie Howerd with a medley of Beatles covers.

Peter! Frampton! And! The! Bee! Gees! Battle! The! Combined! Evil! Forces! Of! Donald! Pleasance!, Alice! Cooper!, Aerosmith!, And! Frankie! Howerd! With! A! Medley! Of! Beatles! Covers!

Has there ever been a more awesome premise for a film in the history of... well the history of blummin' everything???!!!

Why is this film not the ultimate box office master piece, the zenith of artistic endeavour, and still raking in unheard of profits in soundtrack sales, reissues, and remakes?

Well, because it's bloody terrible, that's why!

But, it's terrible to such an incredible degree, that it somehow transcends its innate badness and transforms into a kind of all consuming, anti-naff singularity that sucks all certainty out of mortal minds, and leaves the viewer in inner turmoil, staring, in some kind of twisted hybrid of awe and disgust, positive and negative, yin and yang, at the sparkling teeth and bright colours displayed on the screen (this would make the scariest ever 3D movie, by the way, on account of all the teeth on display) until the grand finale. This simply cannot be the work of mortal men!

So, what is it that makes it so bad?

image
You mean besides that?

Firstly, it consists of a veritable A-Z of singers who should never have acted in movies, and actors who have no place singing in one. In fact the singers '˜acting' is so bad that all of the spoken dialogue (not just the singers') has been either been overdubbed by George Burns' narrator (Mr Kite...), or cast aside to the editing room floor. There's no denying the talent on display, but sadly that talent is completely misdirected.

Secondly, as a musical, it's about as catchy as the Higgs-Boson - these people have made Beatles songs sound bad!

Thirdly, as a comedy, it's slightly less funny than the Battle of The Somme...



The plot, thin as it is, concerns Frampton's Billy Shears and the Gibb bros' Hendersons as the '˜new' Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, who live in twee Heartland USA, wearing their colourful dungarees and pastel shirts, gaily singing and swinging in a white-picket fence world. Soon, their popularity is so great, they are whisked away to the bright lights and hedonistic world of drink and drugs and groupies, as they sign for the villainous D.B. Hoffler (Pleasence), tempted by humorously oversized banknotes and Lucy (Dianne Steinberg) and the Diamonds (Stargard).

Meanwhile, with the Peppers trapped L.A.-L.A. Land, Mean Mr Mustard (Howerd) takes over Heartland by stealing the original Pepper's magical instruments β€” the only thing that keeps Heartland pure. But Mustard is merely a pawn, carrying out the machinations of the mysterious FVB (later unveiled as Aerosmith as the Future Villain Band), who want to brainwash the kids to get their money. They are helped by the sinister, brainwashing guru, Father Sun (Cooper looking every inch like Frank Zappa),

image
and the maniacal Dr Maxwell Edison (a scenery chewing Steve Martin cameo).

Can the wholesome Strawberry Fields (Sandy Farina) release the boys from temptation and save Heartland from corrup...

Ah, fuck it. It's completely anti-climactic, anyway. Here's Aerosmith singing ComeTogether, instead.

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Let's face it, the plot is irrelevant to this turkey. What's important is the badness, the contrived crowbarring of Beatles' songs into a shitty narrative in a really ham-fisted way. There's greatness and badness in unequal measure, and in a truly surreal scene (which is saying something in the face of all this nuttiness!), Earth Wind & Fire pop up out of nowhere as themselves singing Got To Get You Into My Life!

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There's awful comedy, and, more importantly, much funnier unintentional comedy. Best example of the latter being the sombre singing of Golden Slumbers at Strawberry Fields funeral that transitions into Carry That Weight as the pop pallbearers lift the coffin. How did no one realise the connotations of that song choice?

There's the jolly When I'm Sixty Four, turned into a pre-rape gloat from Mean Mr Mustard, there's Steve Martin's insane rendition of Maxwell's Silver Hammer.

There's Robin Gibb's gurning face, and there's Barry Gibb KO-ing Alice Cooper with one punch.

All of this and so much more, including what can only be described as an incredibly fruity rendition of Get Back by gold-clad occasional Fifth Beatle, Billy Preston, appearing as a reincarnated Dr Pep... I mean Sgt Pepper as deus ex machina.

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image

Fruity

Then there's the grand finale. And what a finale it is!

Out of nowhere pop a studio full of '˜70s celebrities to sing Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise). And who are they? Well the full list looks something like this:

Peter Allen, Curtis Mayfield, Keith Allison, Cousin Bruce Morrow (Cousin Brucie), George Benson, Peter Noone, Elvin Bishop, Alan O'Day, Stephen Bishop, Lee Oskar, Jack Bruce, The Paley Brothers, Keith Carradine, Robert Palmer, Carol Channing, Wilson Pickett, "Charlotte, Sharon, and Ula", Anita Pointer, Jim Dandy, Bonnie Raitt, Sarah Dash, Helen Reddy, Rick Derringer,Minnie Riperton, Barbara Dickson, Chita Rivera, Donovan, Johnny Rivers, Randy Edelman, Monte Rock III, Yvonne Elliman, Danielle Rowe, Jose Feliciano, Sha-Na-Na, Leif Garrett, Del Shannon, Geraldine Granger, Joe Simon, Adrian Gurvitz, Seals & Crofts, Billy Harper, Connie Stevens, Eddie Harris, Al Stewart, Heart, John Stewart, Nona Hendryx, Tina Turner, Barry Humphries, Frankie Valli, Etta James, Gwen Verdon, Dr. John, Diane Vincent, Bruce Johnston, Grover Washington, Jr., Joe Lala, Hank Williams Jr., D.C. LaRue, Johnny Winter, Jo Leb,Wolfman Jack, Marcy Levy, Bobby Womack, Mark Lindsay, Alan White, Nils Lofgren, Lenny White, Jackie Lomax, Margaret Whiting, John Mayall, and Gary Wright.



So what, you say, has all this nonsense this to do with Jono finding God?

As I said before, nothing so cosmically awesome, yet terrible, could have been born of human hands, or even evolution. Only intelligent design could be responsible for this masterpiece of abomination. Everything about this film is at the same time terrible, and a thing of beauty. It truly is the epitome of the concept of '˜so bad it's good' cinema. It couldn't have happened by accident.

Yes, Sgt Pepper's is my proof that there is a God, and he is surely the very Devil himself - he must be, they do say he gets the best tunes, after all!

So, if your faith has ever been wavering, even in the slightest, here is the answer. Watch the fucking film, already!

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β€’in need of some psychological help

#God #Jono #TheBeatles

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Captain America

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Our hero...

Pop quiz no 1 β€” What do you know about Captain America?

Well, of course you know the basics.

In 1941, as US involvement in WWII seems inevitable, weakling Steve Rogers wants to enlist in the US Army to help fight the Nazis. His is quickly rejected, but his bravery and determination will not be undone, so he volunteers to take an experimental super soldier serum, which gives him increased strength, stamina, and resilience.

The rest, as they say, is history.

The blonde of hair, blue of eye (the very Jewish Kirby and Simon's obvious take that to the Aryan ideal), winged of helm, and square of jaw, America's bravest son kicked Adolf's ass, with his shining shield and fierce right hook.
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Take that, Kraut!

Frozen in the Arctic wastes after a plane crash during the war, he was awoken in the swinging sixties, into a new era. An era of Gods, mutants, monsters, and hippies. He's Avenged, Defended, rebelled, re-joined, died and resurrected, and always stood up for the ideal of the American way...

Pop quiz no 2 β€” How much of this iconic origin is contained in Rod Holcomb's 1979 made for TV Captain America?

To be perfectly honest, sweet fuck all.

Oh, he is called Steve Rogers, and he does become Captain America, and he does have a shield, but apart from that...

Captain America Take 2:
youtube
Yay!

Ex-marine, Steve Rogers, is making the most of his peace time, by cruising down the West Coast in his blue dodge van, crashing with old buddies, and making what living he can as a piss-poor artist. Unbeknownst to this gentle giant, he is being watched by nefarious agents, and government scientist Simon Mills is desperate to contact him.

When an old friend of his late father's is murdered, Steve is reluctantly drawn into a web of conspiracy, involving his father's work β€” the ultimate steroid compound known as FLAG, and somehow a neutron bomb (I have to confess, I'm not completely sure how the bomb got in there, but it appeared to be important at the end...). A murder attempt and emergency surgery later (shades of the Six Million Dollar Man, here) see Steve pumped full of FLAG to save his life, and eventually with his taking up the mantle of Captain America and beating the bad guys.

Now for the important stuff. Is it a good movie?

No, not really. I mean, I loved it, but then, I'm strange that way.

The plot is thin, and glacial in pace (in fairness, this was an intended series pilot, riding the tails of The Incredible Hulk, rather than a stand-alone movie), there isn't an awful lot of Cap action, and he doesn't even get his proper costume until the very end.

But, on the plus side it has Reb Brown as the main man, and a wonderfully serious Len Birman as Rogers' mentor Simon Mills. It has an uplifting, funky '˜70s score,
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More yay!

dumb mooks, a cheap plastic shield, and a motorbike that jumps. What more could you ask for?

Well, I could ask for Captain America, I suppose. So, how does this fare as a Captain America movie?

Sadly, not so well. For a start he only appears in costume for the last 20 minutes of a 97 minute runtime.

And, though Reb Brown certainly looks the part of a post-super-soldier-serum Cap, this Steve Rogers is a whiny bitch, who wants nothing more to bum around the Coast, not caring what day of the week it is, and painting his dismal paintings. He refuses to help until backed into a corner from which he cannot say '˜No.' He doesn't want to be involved, no matter what the stakes, and only the constant pushing from Mills to make him take a stand.

He moans about Mills saving his life, moans about doing any more service for his country, moans about his friend's murder (which is fair enough, I suppose...), and nearly murders a human bomb with carbon monoxide poisoning. Not very Cap-like behaviour at all, if you ask me.

As well as the character flaws, the iconic Captain America origin is gone, replaced by this tosh. All in all, a pretty pitiful attempt.

Let's see if they can do any better in Captain America II: Death Too Soon, starring Reb and Len, and a very surprising guest star...

#Comic #SuperHero
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The enigma that is Lucifer Valentine

Back in 2006, Slaughtered Vomit Dolls finally hit the shelves as Lucifer Valentines debut was finally released. The cover art was childish, but freaky, like something an infant would draw to express that they were being abused. It's simplistic design, along with the fucked up title was enough to intrigue me. But I didn't watch it. I was too scared.

This in itself should cue you into the sort of bloke that Lucifer Valentine is. He's scary. Like really scary. As far as I can tell, his identity has been kept secret from the internet. No one knows what he looks like, and the few that have worked with him sure as hell aren't telling. So I'm going to go ahead and assume for argument sake, that Valentine looks like this.

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In actuality, he probably looks like this.

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But I'm gonna keep picturing the first picture till he shows his face....

Anyways, not only is his appearance a secret, so is his real name. Surely he doesn't expect us all to believe his parents just happened to call him Lucifer Valentine. Then again, if I ever turned to directing, I'd probably use an offensive pseudonym too, like Holly Cost, or Taylor Swift.

More interesting than this man's identify, is his upbringing. According to interviews, Valentine was raised by Satanists. Hmmm, perhaps Lucifer Valentine IS his real name. Then again he also apparently had a sister called Cinderella. Whom he had an incestuous relationship with???
At this point, I'm gonna stop, no need to keep repeating internet rumours and what not. I have no idea how much of this stuff is true or not. What I do know is, this man is slowly improving in becoming a bona fide hardcore underground director.

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Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)
The first of the trilogy. According to imdb, it's a "gruesome tapestry of psychological manifestations of a nineteen year old bulimic runaway stripper-turned prostitute as she descends into a hellish pit of satanic nightmares and hallucinations". Imdb makes it sound more interesting than it is. If I'm to be completely honest, I hated this movie. I wanted to like it, but nah, sorry Valentine, I hated it. I did appreciate what you were trying to do, but the hallucinations were too tiresome. The dialogue, the imagery, the nonlinear plot, the vomit, oh god the vomit! It was all too much for me. Definitely one of the grossest movies I had ever seen, but was such a chore to sit through. Slowing down the footage to the point that the dialogue is inaudible doesn't really serve much purpose. The movie did look quite satanic, so it gets points for that, but I lost interest 10 mins in. And unfortunately, the lead Ameara Lavey wasn't really holding my interest either. The good news though, is for a first project, there is always room for improvement. And not only does Valentine improve upon SVD, he's knocks it out of the park.

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ReGOREgitated Sacrifice (2008)
Much like SVD, this movie is nonlinear. Again, Ameara Lavey stars in this beauty, but she is joined by the creepy Soska sisters. I couldn't really tell you what the movie is about, being non linear and all, its comes across as random footage. I read lately that it had connections to supposed suicide of Valentines sister, though I cannot confirm that myself. What I can tell you, is Valentine incorporated several different filming techniques that paid off a great deal in this one. You can see he's experimenting and trying to figure out his approach as a director. His use of score and editing had improved greatly from number one. He was able to actually build atmosphere and generate fear, something that was completely devoid of SVD. Use of the camera also was creepy. Everything in this movie was creepy. As gross and disgusting as it is, it cannot be denied, it's scary. I mean really scary. It feels like the devil himself directed this movie. Where the first one just looked like a really bad music video on acid. Well done to the Soska sisters as well, as their presence only made the movie that much more creepy.

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Naturally, you can also expect lots of vomit and other disgusting things, one including a spider.....I don't like spiders.... Curse you Valentine. But don't look for spoilers here, cos I won't give them. What I can promise you, is lots of fucked up images. You'll get plenty of that and more here.

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Slow Torture Puke Chamber (2010)
Starring Hope Likens, the spot light is taken off of Ameara Lavey. This is one of the better moves from Valentine. Likens actually does a very decent job at being sympathetic. And gross. How she managed to puke blood is beyond me, but naturally it freaked me out quite a bit. There is also quite a bit of shocking content (well duh it's a Lucifer valentine flick) accompanied with blasphemous imagery and s&m shit. I believe Valentine tried to up the stakes from RG, unfortunately, some of what is filmed is so shocking and over the top, it comes across as a little silly. The baby and blender part in particular. Again, the non linear thing. If I had any lick of smarts, I could probably figure out these movies, but I need to be spoon fed. Which is why I'm staying as far away from Lars Von Trier as humanly possible.
While a slight step down from RG, it's still a massive improvement from SVDs. Likens did an excellent job with her monologues, and Valentine even made tribute to The Exorcist. Or wanted to up the ante. Probably the latter. In his attempts to end the trilogy with a bang, he instead ended it with a kinda interesting finish, but nothing too unique or special.

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A Perfect Child of Satan (2012)
Now this! This is good shit! I mean really good shit! This right here, is proof that Valentine can make a fantastic LINEAR plot movie. Albeit, it's only short, but it's a short flick that beats RG in terms of sheer fear. You can only find this on the Vomit Gore Trilogy boxset, but believe me, it's toally worth it. A short flick on the dangers of internet dating, told totally in first person and shaky cam, we see the first half through the eyes of a girl getting ready to meet her online boyfriend, and the second half we see through his eyes, how the evening plays out. I'm sure you can guess what happens.
For those of you who hate vomit, you're in luck, there's none here. This one doesn't attempt to gross you out, it just attempts to disturb you. And that's why I loved it. Using similar techniques from RG, Valentine uses music and anticipation to build up tension to an incredible climax. And Chelsea Chainsaw gives an incredibly real and emotional performance. I give total props to both of them. This gives me great belief that Valentine is totally capable of now making a full feature with a linear plot, that will scare Chuck Norris shitless.

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Valentine also made a documentary on drug use called Black Metal Veins. I haven't seen this one as of yet, but will be shortly. In the meantime, I anxiously await to see more of what Valentine has to offer. It is awesome seeing his projects grow and improve over time. He is learning, and could possibly become the most fucked up film maker around, if he wants to. Only time will tell. Bravo Valentine. Bravo.

Thankyou.

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Trash Addict * 🌐 ⚠️ NSFW
Welcome to The Porno Zone

Pornography: From the Greek pornographus - writing about prostitutes

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One of the earliest forms of pornography discovered by archaeologists is graffiti scrawled on the walls of ancient Rome. These scribbles were drawn by commoners, depicting senators and other powerful figures being boned by horses or dogs.

When The Marquis de Sade unleashed his most famous pornographic novel, Justine, onto the masses, it was described by Napoleon Bonaparte himself as "the most abominable book ever engendered by the most depraved imagination". His earlier masterwork, The 120 Days of Sodom, has since been labelled by a literary critic as an "unsurpassed novel of terror and signal act of terrorism" and as a "book of purest destruction".

When porno hit the silver screen, it attracted filmmakers with a firm interest in pushing the limits of social acceptability, like Gerard Damiano, Shaun Costello and Zebedy Colt.

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So what's my point with these little bits of trivia?

Porn is now often considered as a work designed to cause sexual arousal, with little to no artistic merit (a view stemming from a US legal defition coined by prudes in the '50s, to classify anything they didn't like). But historically, it has consistently been used as a form of protest against prevailing moral standards toward sexuality. Pornography is the most directly political of all genres. It's been censored by government bodies. It's been attacked by the self-proclaimed cultural elite. It's been picketed against. People have been imprisoned for producing it.

Nowadays, the battle is won. Porno is fully mainstream and some porn stars like Sasha Grey and Ron Jeremy have achieved celebrity status outside of the porno world. The most decisive blow against the puritans and prudes is the enormous rise in homemade amateur porn; created by regular, everyday people and posted on the internet, not for money, but merely for the sexual thrill of having thousands of strangers watch them fuck.

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Here is a zone charting the path that lead toward porno's acceptance. Feel free to post your own reviews or anything porno related. Myself, I'll be mainly sticking to movies that are subversive, strange or dangerous in some manner. The groundbreaking and/or controversial stuff. Those movies that have an especially anti-social message to impart. Or simply just drug-fucked weird shit that fucks its way through convention and spunks all over shattered artistic boundaries. The genre is as widespread as any other, and I believe many would be surprised how far it drifts away from basic jerk-off material.

All taboos will be covered. (Well, all except one. I can't stand kids in regular films, so I sure as hell ain't gonna watch the annoying little fuckers in porn.) Documentaries about porn and pornographic documentaries will also be included, at some point.

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Ultimately, my goal is to challenge any preconceptions you may have about porn and show that it can be appreciated on an intellectual and philosophical level. Believe it or not, much can be learned about the human condition and the human psyche from watching how we fuck and how we film ourselves fucking. You can easily watch porn with your brain as well as your genitals.

So sit back, grab a box of Kleenex and prepare to enter a dimension beyond that which is known to the prudish. It is a dimension as vast as Ron Jeremy's belly and as timeless as Linda Lovelace's gag reflex. It is the middle ground between voyeurism and exhibitionism, between the trashy and the epic, and it lies between the pit of man's debauchery and the summit of his desires. It is an area which we call... The Porno Zone.

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