V/H/S/99

If you like anthologies and/or found footage, this series never disappoints. The theme here is the year 1999, and we're plunged into stories about punk bands, sorority sluts, kids' game shows, the skater scene, and a trip straight to hell. I think all the segments were pretty good, but I can't delve too deep in them without giving away too much.


For those who have seen the movie, here are a few quick thoughts...


The punk band skit was a bit weak in comparison to the rest. Decent ideas and visuals, but it didn't grab me as much as the rest.
I thought the sorority hazing skit was really good. Reminds me of that Ryan Reynold's movie where he's in that very same predicament, but he didn't have spiders to exacerbate things. He might have had snakes instead, so yeah... fucked either way.
The gameshow host was also pretty funny. I loved how he made smug jabs at his less-than-wealthy participants. I found the black lady's rage a bit awkward. Did she have to strip? The ending of that bit was stupid though. Abrupt and less than satisfying.

The medusa one was entertaining, and even though those kids are assholes, I found them and their antics entertaining. It feels somewhat authentic.

And lastly, that depiction of Hell was really cool. I missed the setup and thus didn't understand the ending, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment of it.



Now comes a tangent curiosity. The next entry is already in the works. V/H/S/85, which is to suggest that it is set in 1985. Just how common were VHS and camcorders in that year? I'd imagine that technology wasn't very prevalent at the time, probably costing a lot. This is the furthest back that the series will venture thus far.

#Review

Not Another Halloween Rant

I saw Halloween Ends for the third time today. This time in theaters. They really don't bother with picture quality anymore, and they never get the aspect ratios right. It's like they don't give a fuck, but anyway... I hope it can cross 100 million in the box office by the end of the month.

I rewatched the original and the new trilogy this month, and as single-minded as Myers may be, he never stops my brain from spinning new thoughts, so bear with me as I ramble.


In the beginning of H1 '78, we see it through young Michael's POV. Did he snap then and there on Halloween night 1963, or was he always crazy? And if he did snap, what caused it? Hypothetical scenario: Michael was watching TV and saw someone die on a show. Then he thinks to himself, "Death, huh? I'll give her a shot."

Halloween '78 succeeds in its simplicity. Slow creepy buildup. Tense climax. No motives. The lack of explanation gives the fans things to think about. A fundamental aspect of Michael Myers is his mystique. Don't try to explain the bogeyman, and I'm glad the new trilogy didn't.

H-Ends does pose a lot more questions about Michael that the other sequels couldn't, like what does Michael do when he wins? Where does he go? Has he ever treated his own wounds, and has he ever washed his outfit in the four years between movies?

The new trilogy disregards old sequels, but pays fan service to them anyway. I loved the Silver Shamrock masks and H3 font use, but where was Tom Atkins? And the sewer life was an H8 homage I guess. Didn't he eat rats in that one? And how does he get his vitamin D down there?


Since they never imagined the first movie as spawning a jillion sequels, there wasn't much attempt at continuity after H2. The series went off the rails and the depiction of Myers was vastly inconsistent. Same goes for the Myers house. H3 could've only worked if H2 was an unrelated story too, but they botched that idea. H4 only had Donald Pleasence to anchor it, as did H5, but everything got weird in that one. I would describe H5 as a weird movie. And H6 is a flashy 90s piece of shit, and H20 is bizarre way of reconciling bad continuity by making it even worse. It was at that point that the series lost any hope of having a single canon. Continuity was never a strong point in this franchise... until the trilogy decided to follow only the best of the movies: part 1.

This franchise's inept continuity parallels the Universal Solider franchise. Van Damme and Dolph in the first, recast Van Damme for 2 and 3, have him return for a shitty reunion movie, then have him return for the "real" gritty sequels with Dolph.

Firestarter 2022

I don't care much for the 1984 movie, so there's no bias to dismiss this "remake", which is more adequately a "new adaptation". The movies play out very differently. This one feels more like Stephen King's X-Men.

The cast does a good job here. Zac Efron plays the dad, and he also has powers, along with the mother, who underwent some experiment in college, which explains that much. They live their lives with discretion, though the young girl is having a hard time dealing with her growing pyrokinetic abilities. Obviously, things exacerbate, and that's when the government assholes come a' knockin'.

This movie feels more like a Stephen King story than the original. It has psychics, bullies, conspiracies, and a few unsettling bits scattered throughout. I actually found it pretty well done, but it didn't seem to make much of a dent in theaters. As far as King remakes go, this one is way better than the likes of Pet Sematary. I'll even place it higher than "It", and definitely higher than "It Chapter 2". Those movies are hella overrated. Firestarter 2022 is underrated.

#Review

Children of the Living Dead (2001)

Children of the Living Dead (2001) is the most retarded movie I have ever seen in my entire life. That is all. Kirk out.

Tobin Bell returns for Saw 10?

Any theories thus far? Oh, I know... how about a flashback? This guy will have done 20 years worth of shit in the few months between his cancer diagnosis and death, or however long that was.

Also, what's the verdict on that last entry, Spiral? More of the same?

Auntie Lee's Meat Pies 1992

Karen Black leads a satanic cult of sexy chicks in some psycho house in the middle of nowhere. She grinds up hapless travelers into meat pies to sell to people. People like the sheriff, Pat Morita. Mister Miyagi himself, but with a very Americanized accent, which is plenty amusing in itself.

There are hotties in this movie, but as far as my weary eyes could figure, none of them got naked, which is fucking stupid. I wanted to see these women nude. But the opening scene is plenty amusing. It involves one of the knocked-out girls getting raped by a crude fugitive. She wakes up and apathetically stabs him in the head with something and doesn't think twice about it. This isn't a movie you should even think once about. He's just pie ingredients.

A highlight of the movie is Michael Berryman's performance. He plays a toothless retard servant. Pretty classy guy in real life though.

So as awesome as this movie sounds, it's mostly boring with a few kills sprinkled throughout to keep it from being a complete waste of time. Sounds like just about everything I look for in a trash epic.

#Review

The Omen 4: The Awakening 1991

I've avoided this one for a while because I heard it was shit. Then, I began to realize that I like shitty things. Furthermore, I don't even like the other sequels in this series, so there's no real hype to live up to. This is a Canadian made-for-tv 90s movie, after all. There's no way this could be good.

Co-directed by H5's Dominique Othenin-Girard, this movie is bound to feel weird. The new demon spawn is a little girl this time, and it's easy to draw parallels to the Bad Seed. Our pending antichrist is Delia, and she's fun to watch. But after a while, she takes a backseat as the rest of the film follows her mother's descent into madness over satanic babies. There are a few kills scattered throughout, and the end is a different take on the first movie's ending. But since it's basically the same ending, there's no real impact and you'll walk away completely indifferent to the whole experience.

For what it's worth, I probably enjoyed this one more than 2 or 3. Those movies are boring. Almost as boring as this review.

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13 Fanboy 2021

Directed by Debi Sue Voorhees of F13-5 fame, this movie is about an obsessive fan who targets the ladies of the F13 movies. It's a total fan film, so the production values are pretty low. It's made on decent equipment, but it still comes off as amateur and uninteresting.

For some reason, Dee Wallace is the main character, even though she wasn't in any F13 movie, but they try to pretend that she was? I'm not sure on her connection because I zoned out a few times. I guess she's pals with the director, who funny enough is barely in this movie.

It's also funny how desperate Kane Hodder is to show other sides of his "acting" abilities. While his role as himself tries to do that by making him empathetic and kind-hearted, it falls flat, since none of the characters have any true weight to them. His appearance felt purely patronizing.

C.J. Graham is another Jason actor here who provides an okay brawl with the cliche villain. It's funny when Dee is speaking to him and they cut to her exclusively, and she's looking way up there on account of his height. lawlz.

It's a pretty boring movie overall. I almost gave it a 1 right off the bat, but I felt I should be fair. It deserves at least a 2, but where are the boobies? I feel like this movie wanted to have an impact of being meta in the sense of Wes Craven's New Nightmare, but it failed miserably.

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My Amityville Horror 2012

If you're interested in the Amityville horror story of George and Kathy Lutz, here's a documentary from the perspective of their son Daniel Lutz. There's a lot of debate of whether it's real or not, and this documentary doesn't push us any closer to the truth. It shows us that Daniel has never truly gotten over the experience, and he firmly believes in the weird happenings.

In addition to his firm belief in the paranormal presence, there's also a lot of shade thrown at George Lutz, ego-centric ex-marine and poor step-father figure with otherworldly interests. He was said to have books on the occult and even accused by Daniel of having telekinetic abilities. With that said, there is the assumtion that George was a catalyst for any hostile spirits.

I can't say I believe any of it happened, but I do believe that Daniel belives it happened. Some believe that the 1979 film and several decades have affected his recollection of the real events, but he has described some eerie incidents not featured in the movie. He also mentions that after the incident and more domestic troubles, he went to live in some church where the priests beat him and performed exorcisms on him. Yikes!

I don't know. He seems pretty fucked in the head, but at least he's a good guitarist. It's surprising considering the window incident that crushed his fingers only seemingly damaging the pinky finger, but it sounds like everyone was in hysterics while that bit was happening, and ghost ladies were walking through the house and whatnot...

It's a decent yarn, but there is room to poke holes in all of this Amityville horror talk. It features Lorraine Warren, and confirms that no tenant since has experienced any weirdness in the house.

Do you believe any of it? Or was George doing it for the money?

#Review

Terror Train 2022

A Tubi original! That ought to tell you enough, but I'll ramble anyway. It's almost a beat-for-beat remake of the 1980 film, so one might ask the valid question, "Why bother?"

One (in)significant change was setting it on Halloween instead of New Years Eve. That allows the costume party to make more sense, even though I never really questioned it in the original. New Years was simply another holiday to exploit, and the swip-swap makes no real difference.

If everything is the same as the original, then you know what happens. However, the end plays out a bit differently. This is mostly so the producers can say, "Look! Our film isn't exactly the same!". Hell, this movie even ends on an extremely predictable cliche, as if the movie couldn't be any more generic.

With all that said, this movie has no real reason to exist. The original is superior.

#Review