Terminator: Grrl Power!!



So, am I to understand that Terminator: Genisys is no longer a thing? No longer a consideration within the Terminator universe, I mean. The thought of another sequel coming along and erasing Genisys always sounded reasonable to me, but in this case, maybe not...? If not merely a fitting finale, Dark Fate was always an opportunity to get the T-train back on the tracks, which, even originally, seemed very unlikely for many reasons. However, after watching Terminator: Dark Fate, I'm afraid we've now strayed further than ever. Well, sort of. As usual, it's complicated

Yep, Genisys never happened. Neither did Salvation. And the machines have yet to rise. However, Judgement Day is still around. They're letting us keep that one, along with the original, of course. But back to T2. The events from that movie happened as we remember them, but it's what happened shortly thereafter which changed everything we are familiar with. After Skynet's existence was literally wiped out in T2, it somehow continued sending back Terminators to take out John. And you know what? One finally got him. In a scene filled with CGI goodness, we witness something that looks almost like a cut scene from T2. We see what appears to be young Linda Hamilton watching in Horror as young Edward Furlong is blown away by a T-800, who looks kind of like Arnold, but, of course, is not. So, Skynet is gone, John Connor is gone, and... Alright, then. Great start!

Fast forward to present day Mexico, and we got a familiar series of events with two naked Terminators showing up from the future. One good, one bad. The bad one is something called a Rev-9. Those things are like T-1000's if they were made of tar instead of that cool, silvery liquid stuff. This thing is proven to be a bad sonofabitch pretty early on. Far more advanced and dangerous than the T-1000, actually. As it would turn out, the good one isn't really a Terminator at all. Grace is some type of cyborg-human hybrid. The third time they've attempted this in the series, and coincidentally, the third time they've also attempted a female Terminator. That is, if you count the TV show. Who do they want to kill/protect? Who the hell is left? Well, some chick, apparently. The Rev-9 nearly ends some chick and her brother, but Grace comes in at the last second and takes down the Rev-9 because she's a girl and girls can do that... If they choose to, I mean. They don't have to!

Taken down but not out, the Rev-9 recovers in record time. Some chick's brother gets taken out pretty quick, but he's a guy, so, no loss there. Grace and some chick come pretty close, themselves, but are saved by none other than Sarah Connor, who is, once again, being portrayed by Linda Hamilton. A very prepared Sarah just about blows that Rev-9 thing to hell, but only weakens it enough for everyone to get away. After getting ditched, Sarah catches back up with the girls and soon learns a few things: First and foremost, Skynet is indeed gone. Sarah and her son really were successful, which is really confusing, because what's with non-existent Skynet sending back more T-800's from a non-existent future? I'd really like someone to explain that to me how that works. Anyway, Grace has no idea what the grumpy old lady is going on about. Sarah learns that some other AI system will eventually be developed, which gives way to a similar Judgement Day, eventually giving way to a similar resistance. However, it's totally different because it's not called "Skynet". It's called "Legion". And as it would turn out, Legion is not after some "new John Connor" that some chick will give birth to ... Wait for it... Some chick is the actual target! So, shame on all you sexists who assumed that the only thing special about some chick was her uterus.

So, why is Linda Hamilton in this, again? Her character is more or less an obsolete relic from an obsolete reality that can't decide if it exists or not. Just hanging around, making snarky remarks. At least that hasn't changed since Genisys. Sarah makes mention that Terminators, yes, Skynet's Terminators, never stopped being sent into the past. Sarah reveals getting a "heads up" via text from an unknown source every time this happened, giving her the upper hand and making it possible to take out every one. Same story with the Rev-9, which is highly unusual. This unknown source, who Grace has also been instructed to seek assistance from, turns out to be none other than that same T-800 that killed John over 20 years ago. His name is Carl, and he's got a wife and step-son, and somewhat of a personality. And you know what else? He gets it. He gets what he did to John was a dick move. Carl gets that this hurt Sarah, and he's genuinely sorry. Carl wants to make things right, as he's been trying for years. Sarah says "fuck off, Carl". However, he's too valuable of an ally at this point, so, Carl sticks around to help Grace and some chick figure things out while Sarah pouts over her dead son. And after being portrayed as naive and unprepared for her fate the entire movie, some chick then suddenly snaps out of it. Some chick is now the warrior she was always destined to become, taking charge, getting everyone in the zone for one final battle with the Rev-9. Because sometimes chicks can do that.

What is it going to take for someone to finally take this franchise fucking forward? This isn't normal! Salvation sucked, but at least it kept the story going, as opposed to running around in circles like Genisys and Dark Fate. Just remake the original already and get it overwith, you assholes! Why put this once great franchise through all this? You can't add all this remakey shit and still keep the old stuff around. It makes no sense, even for a time travel movie. And I thought Genisys was pretty bad, but looking back... Yeah, ok. Pretty bad! Yet, as far as Terminator sequels go, I can deal with Genisys a little better. Genisys is almost like hanging out with an old friend you haven't seen in forever. You realize you missed old friend more than you thought, which gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling, even though they've clearly changed some. Dark Fate is like a new friend you don't know very well, but they have qualities which you find appealing and familiar. You don't fully trust new friend, but still have a blast hanging out with them. Those two films CAN be seen as similar in a way. Both have a bit of a "what if" thing going on, much like a fan film. Genisys implies alternate timelines, where as Dark Fate almost seems like that's what they were going for, but I don't think they were. It's hard to tell exactly what they were trying to do here. Personally, I find it all more enjoyable to pretend this is just another timeline.

Before I lay into this movie some more, I do want to point out that I really did enjoy it. Terminator: Dark Fate is a crazy, fast-paced action flick that turns out to be a lot of fun, though a lot to take in, at times. They came up with some pretty cool stuff for the Rev-9, building it up as a far bigger threat than any Terminator before it, even though it was technically not a Terminator, because that's a Skynet thing. And Grace wasn't such a bad character. Not annoying at all, actually. I think they got the human-Terminator hybrid down nicely this time. And ultimately, this IS a Terminator movie, so, I can't not love it. However, it all turns out to be a hollow, meaningless experience, mostly due to lazy writing and atrocious continuity.

An entry which not only strays further from the tracks, but goes the extra mile, destroying said tracks and building entirely new ones in the exact same spot for no real reason. All the while pretending to be a fresh take on the whole thing. It's only fresh or different on the surface. Legion IS Skynet and some chick IS John Connor. However, they don't go by those names, so, it's hard to get as invested in this as one could be. They really dropped the ball, excluding John Connor simply because he didn't fit into the "girl power" narrative they were obviously going for. It does seem like appealing to the woke crowd and turning this into a "feminist circle jerk" was a far bigger priority than making it the respectable follow up it was promised to be. And this could easily be the final installment, making it all the more unfortunate. But I suppose it's far more important to prove to the world, once again, that girls can do anything boys can do. Even be John Connor! 5/10



#Review

Newish Feature: HUDs

I dabbled with this a bit before when I reworked the themes, but I got carried away and decided to make it a more standardized feature. Heads-Up Displays!

You can access HUDs in the drop-down menu or the home page. It might require a page refresh on your part. It's a fairly pointless feature, but it grants you insight into how Terminators and RoboCops might view the world, and if you're anything like me, you've always wanted to be a robot, am I right?

This took longer than I thought because I had to get a lot of little details right, like fonts and alignments, but the end result isn't too bad. Plus, there's a javascript console in there so you can hack the site if you know what your'e doing. I feel that there's a lot more I can do with it, but here's a taste to get you started. Feedback is always welcome.

My Top 100

I started out doing a top 50 favorite movie list, but so many titles came to mind, figured 100 was not only possible, but necessary. I put a lot of thought into this, and have rearranged many since I started, but I feel like this is as definitive of an IN ORDER list that I can come up with. 100th favorite to all time favorite.

100. Willard (2003) - Crispin's Glover bullied by R. lee Ermey is the greatest thing ever... Well, the 100th greatest thing.

99. The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - Most classy and professional Sci-fi film of the decade.

98. The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1976) - Martin Sheen tries his best to fuck a kid.

97. Gacy (2003) - The Mark Holton performance we never knew we wanted.

96. World's Greatest Dad (2009) - Robin Williams' cunty son jack offs himself to death.

95. Carbon Copy (1981) - George Segal's white supremist family kicks him to the curb when they find out he's Denzel Washington's father. Denzel's first role.

94. Bloody Mama (1970) - Roger Corman's portrayal of bank robbers, Kate Barker and sons, whom she fucked.

93. Mark Of The Devil (1970) - Gosh, Udo Kier's so dreamy in this! Lots of nerve racking scenes of torture, but a beautiful film nonetheless.

92. Play Misty For Me (1971) - Intriguing Thriller, sweet location, unusual role for Clint. Also his directorial debut. Really good Fatal Attraction-type shit.

91. The Giant Gila Monster (1959) - Good-natured, micro-budgeted monster movie.

90. The Odd Couple (1968) - Comedy gold. Great casting, and great chemistry between 2 comedy geniuses.

89. Taxi Driver (1976) A calming movie to watch for some reason. Probably the score and low-key tone of it all.

88. Return To Oz (1985) - I would have put my money on a sequel to Wizard of Oz being a disappointment, and I would have lost.

87. The Last American Virgin (1982) - Porky's-ish comedy from the director of Israel's Lemon Popsicle series... which is a fucking weird sentence, Lmao!!

86. Fatso (1980) - Dom DeLuise plays a whiny, fat fuck on a diet who tries to murder his brother cuz he misses bread.

85. Whiplash (2014) - Borderline psychotic drumming instructor demands perfection.

84. Breezy (1974) - Eastwood directed Romantic Dramedy about a hippie girl who shacks up with the dad from Omen II. Surprisingly endearing stuff.

83. Megan Is Missing (2011) - 3 nightmarish scenes more than make up for the boring and annoying.

82. Voice from the Stone (2017) - Unlike in Game Of Thrones, Emilia Clarke actually won me over after I saw this.

81. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) - Fuck Chevy Chase but there's always this.

80. Watership Down (1978) - Another calming movie. When bunnies aren't getting murdered, I mean.

79. The Burning (1981) - Possibly the perfect 80's Summer Camp Slasher.

78. Boxing Helena (1993) - Dark & twisted 90's Thriller from David Lynch's daughter.

77. Where The Red Fern Grows (1974) - A different world than we're now faced with. That's why I love it.

76. Uncle Buck (1989) - John Candy's most memorable role. Still as hilarious as it was 30 years ago.

75. One Million Years B.C. (1966) - Best Caveman epic of the decade, possibly ever.

74. Squirm (1976) - Nice location and interesting actors chosen for the roles. There's something very authentic and honest about this film.

73. Don't Deliver Us From Evil (1971) - French School-girls worshipping Satan and stuff.

72. Pretty Poison (1968) - Crime Thriller starring Anthony Perkins and Tuesday Weld, who are great together.

71. Saw III (2006) - Unpopular opinion, but I think this is the best one of the series.

70. Brewster's Millions (1985) - Richard Pryor pisses away ridiculous money in order to make 10 times more.

69. Pee Wee's Big Adventure (1985) - I know Tim Burton could still make movies this good, but he refuses to cuz he's a cunt. When I was 7, this movie was everything.

68. Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) - Dark, grimy and sadistic, yet an ultimately positive experience.

67. 9 Lives of Fritz The Cat (1974) - Inferior sequel, but more fun to get high to.

66. Bride Of Frankenstein (1935) - By far the best Horror film of the 30's, imo.

65. Don't Look In The Basement (1973) - Chilling insane asylum Horror with a nagging feeling of isolation and helplessness. Amazing first film from S.F. Brownrigg.

64. The Bad News Bears (1977) - Walter Matthau plays an asshole drunk who coaches a baseball team full of asshole kids. Very 70's.

63. Gator (1976) - Burt Reynolds at his best.

62. The Killer Shrews (1959) - Makes a great double feature with The Giant Gila Monster (same director).

61. Enter Nowhere (2011) - Twilight Zone-ish mind fuck.

60. Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1973) - A prettier, classier I Spit On Your Grave with hardcore rape.

59. Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) - Perfect Thanksgiving movie.

58. An American Werewolf In London (1981) - Perfect Werewolf movie.

57. Under The Skin (2013) - Beautifully dark, wintery Sci-fi with very little dialogue, starring Scarlet Johansson.

56. Last Man On Earth (1964) - Not the typical Vincent Price Role in this Pre-Night Of The Living Dead living dead epic.

55. Beyond The Darkness (1979) - Sick, dark Italian exploitation at its finest.

54. Superman II (1980) - Best one of the series, imo. Christopher Reeve really made this role his bitch.

53. Dead Alive (1992) - Is it weird that my favorite part was when Sgt. Slaughter said "What??? NO Pudding?"

52. Damien: Omen II (1978) - Far more interesting than the original, imo.

51. Gremlins (1984) - Timeless Christmas Horror for the whole family (unless you're in a family full of cunts).

50. Silver Streak (1976) - Gene Wilder's and Richard Pryor's finest hour.

49. Flowers In The Attic (1987) - Haunting, claustrophobic, borderline Horror without incest, but still great.

48. Human Centipede II (2011) - Am I the only one who want to a see a colorized version of this?

47. Switchblade Sisters (1975) - Bitches be crazy!

46. A Comedy Of Terrors (1963) - Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff and Basil Rathbone... acting like a bunch of dumb fucks.

45. The Jerk (1979) - If Forrest Gump had been raised by the black folks.

44. Ex Machina (2014) - Thought-provoking, modern Sci-fi with an unusually good story.

43. Andy Warhol's Frankenstein (1973) - Hammer meets Dreamland.

42. Minnie And Moskowitz (1971) - Romantic Comedy about some defensive asshole who latches on to a shy woman who possibly has a stick up her ass.

41. Your Vice Is A Locked Door And Only I Have The Key (1972) - My favorite Gaylow.

40. Birdemic (2010) - Intentional schlock perfected... At least I think it's intentional... Holy shit! What if it's not???

39. Heavy Metal (1981) - One of many examples of why most people still prefer old school animation.

38. The Greasy Strangler (2016) - The greatest Horror comedy of the 2010's... ?

37. Cannibal: The Musical (1993) - The greatest Horror comedy of the 90's... fact!

36. Requiem For A Dream (2000) - Weirdest drug comedy I've ever seen.

35. Burnt Offerings (1976) - Dan Curtis throws Dark Shadows fans a little something to keep them warm at night. Oliver Reed makes this kick ass all the more.

34. Robinson Crusoe On Mars (1964) - Superior Sci-fi for the times. A genuinely good movie.

33. Journey To The Beginning Of Time (1955) - Some kids take an unexpected tour of Earth's early years, observing all sorts of stop-motion, prehistoric creatures.

32. Up In Smoke (1978) - The Chong-directed entries just couldn't compare. This one has a special something never seen again.

31. Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (1998) - Watching this for the first time during first shroom trip is an experience like no other.

30. Whip And The Body (1963) - The only Bava that I can stay awake for. Beautiful film.

29. The Body Snatcher (1945) - Favorite Horror of this abysmal decade. Karloff kicks so much ass in this!

28. Island Of Death (1976) - Seemingly made especially for the Trash challenge.

27. Return of The Living Dead (1985) - 80's Horror at it's peek

26. The Hereafter (1983) - I have a thing for old, obscure, British Horror, and none more than this.

25. The Room (2003) - I wish this movie lasted forever.

24. The Hitcher (1986) - Not a dull second in this nearly-perfect, dark, Psychological Thriller.

23. The Toxic Avenger (1984) - Perfect B-Horror flick for a late Friday night. Never gets old.

22. Back To The Future Part II (1989) - 30 years later, and I've sitll never been so excited about a part 2.

21. Messiah Of Evil (1973) - Beautiful, dreamlike atmosphere. Mysterious little film that feels as if it's missing something, or means more than it seems. Some low-budget films back then just seemed to end up that way on their own.

20. The Strange Vengeanve Of Rosalie (1972) - Reminiscent of Misery, but set in the Spanish desert. Ridiculously underseen. Shows what one can accomplish with no budget.

19. Bonnie And Clyde (1967) - Maybe not the most accurate portrayal, but one of the all around best films of the 60's.

18. The Ringing Bell (1978) - A lamb forces a bloodthirsty wolf, who just killed his mother, to train him so he can someday take revenge. Amazing, animated obscurity with a bit of WTF.

17. Leaving Las Vegas (1995) - Powerful story about a sad man intentionally drinking himself to death while hanging out with a hooker who tries not to get attached. Nic Cage can act, apparently.

16. Henry: Portrait Of A Serial killer (1986) - Fuck the bears... fuck everybody!

15. Redneck Zombies (1989) - The most ambitious, and slapstickingly glorious SOV of the 80's.

14. Ed Wood (1994) - Perhaps a better film than Ed Wood deserved. More proof that Tim Burton CAN make a great movie.

13. Night Of The Living Dead (1968) - The father of all modern Horror and the last great old school black and white Horror. An undisputed masterpiece.

12. Terminator 2 (1991) - Normally, part 3, 4, 5 and 6 strive to capture the magic of the original. Not in this case.

11. Deliverance (1972) - Much more than just a movie about squealing like pigs and shoving dicks up assholes.

10. Female Trouble (1974) - Funnier, darker and just plain better than Pink Flamingos, imo. This made quite an impression on me.

9. Midnight Cowboy (1969) - Naive Texan travels to New York in search of unlimited money and pussy and ends up with jack shit and an asshole friend named Ratso.

8. Blood Freak (1972) - Some schmuck and his weirdo biker friend from Croatia gives us the film Herchell Gordon Lewis never got around to.

7. Fantastic Planet (1973) - Most amazing animated film I've ever seen. Trippy, dreamlike Sci-fi that's truly one of a kind.

6. Martyrs (2008) - My favorite Horror film of the last 20 years.

5. Psycho II (1983) - Original < Part 2

4. Things (1989) - Surreal, mind-bending, and one of the most hilarious so bad it's good films in existence... A description that doesn't even begin to do this movie justice.

3. The Time Machine (1960) - Captivating adaptation of the science fiction tale. Hasn't aged incredibly well but should be essential viewing for any kid with a growing imagination.

2. The Bad Seed (1956) - One would think a movie lasting over 2 hours, which features nothing but dialogue, would drag a bit, but with a story like that, not so much. This is the American Psycho of the day.

1. Basket Case (1982) - This movie molded my taste in cinema at an unusually young age. It's why I prefer bad over good, weird over normal, old over new, obscure over popular, and Horror over all else. I love Basket Case the most!

New Feature? Arcade

This is one I started on a while ago, but I flat-out forgot about it for months. Every day, my mind decides to focus on something else, so I can never get my priorities straight, but in this particular instance, the feature is arcade games.

Click the 'Community' drop-down menu to view the Trash Epics Arcade. Here are a few shitty games you can play, and they'll even keep track of scores so you can try to be the best A-hole on Trash Epics!

You might remember Tetris and Snake from a while ago, and those have been updated to fit the new schema. I've also added Whack-a-Mole, Memory, and Bejunked (it's like a Bejeweled knock-off, but instead of matching gems, you match garbage). Funny thing is that I struggled with that one a few months back, but I got loaded on rum and figured it out in two seconds.

So go ahead and play some games in the https://junkepics.com/game/single/

I have ideas for more games, but I might get sidetracked with other ideas before I get to those. Give me your thoughts, but you probably wont, considering how lazy everyone here is...

Movies You Can't Remember

I don't mean movies that you forget the title of. I'm talking about movies that you have watched more than once and you can't remember how they end.

I've encountered this a few times. I'll have seen a movie anywhere from 2 or more times and for the life of me, I can't remember how the damn movie ends.

Here are three movies off the top of my head that I have this issue with:

1. Session 9 (2001) I would estimate I have seen this movie 5 or 6 times. I can never remember how it ends. I like the movie a lot, but as soon as it is over, I've completely forgotten the ending...
2. The Void (2016) Another one I really like. I think it has a great setting and atmosphere. Sadly, just like Session 9 once this one is over I can't remember anything about how the movie ended.
3. John Carpenter's The Thing (1982): Sigh... This one is embarrassing to admit that I can't remember the ending. John Carpenter's The Thing is one of my all-time favorite movies. The practical effects are beautiful! The feeling of dread and paranoia throughout, I honestly think this movie is perfection. I have seen this more times than I could possibly count and as soon as it's over I have forgotten how the movie finished.

I don't know why certain movies are like this for me. Any of you ever have this happen? What movie or movies do you have a hard time remembering?

Color Out of Space

Anybody seen this one yet? It's a visual feast based on an HP Lovecraft short story in which a meteorite crashes onto a family's New England property and some weird shit happens.

The movie is engaging and well made. You've got Rage Cage, Tommy Chong, and some serious The Thing vibes. I think Cage was still in that artsy Mandy mode when he signed up for this one, and while that movie had a lot of the right ingredients, it did absolutely nothing for me. I think this movie has more good things going for it.

The Amityville Horror - Part I

This movie scared the ever-loving hell out of me when I was a kid. In many ways, I consider it the definitive haunted house movie, right up there with Burnt Offerings. I know for some odd reason, it's not as appreciated as it ought to be, but I've always liked this movie even years after being traumatized by it as a kid.

The movie is based on a book and true story of a family who moves into a New York house they got for a great bargain. That's because nobody wanted it after the real-life DeFeo murders that happened in it, in which 23-year-old Ronald DeFeo blew his whole family away with a shotgun in their sleep.

While it seems like a dream home to the Lutz family, things quickly go awry as they are perpetually terrorized by strange occurrences in the house until they end up running for their very lives not even a month after moving in.


This is why I believed in ghosts as a kid. This is why I was afraid to go in my basement when the lights were off. My family had always joked that the townhouse I lived in was haunted because some kid who lived there died, and when a few bizarre similarities struck a chord with me, it made me even more afraid of this movie because of all those "true story" parallels. Today, I can attribute those strange happenings as simply some very unlikely and creepy coincidences, but a few of them still linger with me today.


The Amityville Horror has a few great things going for it. The architecture of the house is inherently creepy. The house used in the film was made to look similar to the real house, only dressed up to make it look more ominous with those windows that look like eyes.

The score for the movie is fantastic. I'd practically shit myself when I heard it as a kid and it always gave me chills.

A movie like this wouldn't work without a good cast and performances. I think Margot Kidder and James Brolin have great chemistry and I've always thought of them as one of the best couples in horror history. As the madness progresses, James Brolin starts going nuts and dreams of hacking his family to bits with an axe, and this predates The Shining movie in that sense (the Shining book was published a few months before the Amityville book though).

Sure, a bit of this movie was glorified to make a better story, cashing in on some popular trends of the era like crosses and holy water stuff and the inability of religion to counter the effects of evil. Real exorcism type stuff, but not nearly as much as in the second movie!

A big draw of this movie is how subtle it is. It knows that showing too much is the absolute wrong thing to do in a ghost story, but tell that to the fucking 2005 remake which shows you everything you didn't need to see and then some. Now that is one god awful movie. If you put that turd in your dvd player, you'll be hitting the eject button saying, "For God's sake, get out!"



What's your take on The Amityville Horror 1979? Do you love it or hate it?

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels

Looks pretty good. If anyone here watches it, please share your thoughts! I don't have Showtime right now, but this looks pretty interesting.

Night of the Blood Beast

The thing about this movie is that it's a lot like The Thing. Or rather, it's a lot like The Thing from Another World's thing, which wasn't a shapeshifting bastard, but a singular weird looking fuck that wanders around bothering a camp of scientists.

The movie begins with a guy crash-landing onto earth after being in orbit. He dies in the crash, but his body doesn't quite show it. The scientists wonder about this while the place experiences electrical/signal problems. They are cut off from the rest of the world as they try to meander about the existence of the weird-ass creature, as well as the revival of the so-called dead astronaut.

One thing that's dumb as fuck about this movie is how judgmental these scientists are. They're supposed to be men of "science", but as soon as they see this creature, they start blasting. Even when they guy is screaming about how the monster isn't hostile and isn't trying to hurt them, begging them to stop, they continue to unload on this thing until it runs away. What the fuck is wrong with these people? If it was considered okay to shoot someone because they were ugly, we would have no Danny Trejo or Clint Howard.

So the main scientist winds up dead with half of his head missing... but this is not shown, nor is any blood shown at all in this movie, because it's more about what's IN the blood that makes this a blood beast... but he is assimilated into the monster, who then learns how to speak and communicate.

With the help of the revived astronaut who has this alien shit in his blood, he tries to communicate with the people to make them understand that he comes in "peace". Together, they come out of their cave (cave's were popular back in the 50s) and the blood beast explains that it would only like to talk with the scientists and come to an understanding. However, the scientists are already planning on blasting it any chance they get.

It's only after they shoot this thing and burn it alive that they wonder if it was the right thing to do. Goddamn scientists ended this movie before it could even begin really, with its mere 62 minute runtime and minimal death and probably complete lack of blood... but it leaves it open for a sequel that we'll never get, because this movie bombed big time. Either way, it was still rather entertaining for what it was.


Fun fact: Georgianna Carter plays one of the assistants, and I thought she had a rather unique look about her, so I looked her up. She hasn't been in much, but trivia shows that she was Jack Nicholson's first love interest.

Dumb & Dumber: Those Basket Case Sequels



What is it with sequels which come in 2's? They're like a couple of asshole twins who think they're special cuz there are two of them. No, you're both weird, and there should only be one of you. Or maybe none in some cases. Like, for example, The Toxic Avenger 2 and 3, where Lloyd Kaufman accidentally films 4 hours of footage, and not to be wasteful, made two sequels out of the intended one. A lot of good that did him. Well, financially, sure, but Toxie was a little twat in both those movies. Or what about Sleepaway Camp 2 and 3? Both filmed pretty close together, I could think of a dozen generic slasher titles that would have been more fitting for either, but no, of course not! They insist on riding the coattails of a good movie. Entertaining at times, but come on! Really? She doesn't even resemble Felissa Rose. And then there's Frank Henenlotter's Basket Case sequels, which probably should have happened in the 80's or not at all. Let's talk about those for a while, I remember it like it was yesterday. 12 year old me starring down at those boxes for the first time in my favorite video store, I considered this very much good news. Because who doesn't love Basket Case, right? And this would be my first (and second) time getting burned by a sequel.

What do I personally dislike about these films? The tone, for starters. Being from a whole different era, the tone, partially due to the camera quality, just couldn't be more different. More on that later. So, how did we get here? Sure did look like Duane and Belial were dead, and now, they're telling us the Bradley twins survived that fall out of Hotel Broslin's third story? Fine, we'll see how it goes. Duane and Belial are rushed to the hospital, and I'd imagine the authorities have some questions waiting for them both, but as usual, Belial has other ideas. Belial enters Duane's mind and gets them both out of there, but is immediately intercepted by a new friend who will soon change their lives.

All Granny Ruth and her granddaughter wants is to bring Duane and Belial back to their place so they can heal without being locked up afterwards. Granny Ruth is an old friend of their aunt, so, they just go with it for now. After they're well enough to deal with some shit, Duane and Belial are clued in on exactly what this place is: Granny Ruth's house serves as a freak sanctuary. This weird lady has a thing for freaks and she quickly invites Duane and Belial to stick around. Belial seems up for it while Duane immediately wants to run away with Ruth's granddaughter, Susan. In their first interaction that we know of, Duane pleads with this girl to ditch the freaks and elope with him, or something. I don't know. That was weird, and only our first clue as to how incomplete this script really is. Belial laughs at Duane's delusions of having a normal life with Susan, which was actually far weirder. I don't remember that thing laughing in the original, or looking anything like it looks now, for that matter.

So, anyway. These freaks are really annoying and unfunny. I'll just say it now. They were an all around bad idea. The flimsy storyline revolves around some tabloid reporter who would be best described as a poor woman's Rebecca De Mornay, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. This opportunistic young woman and her photographer bitch boy catch wind of what's going down at Granny Ruth's freak sanctuary. Mainly the fact that she's possibly harboring a couple of fugitives. Not to mention the other freaks. So, there might soon be trouble, as these two aim to blow the lid off this place for financial gain. Duane feels obligated to put his hardon away and stick around at least long enough to help these retards out. I'm sure Belial is grateful because he really digs this place.

So, it soon becomes obvious these two schmucks have gotten in way over their heads. Actually, the photographer guy gets himself killed pretty quickly by the retard freaks. So, that leaves "Becky" to be dealt with. So, that happens, and within a snap of a finger, we already find ourselves in the third act, which appears to be the entire point of the movie. Looking back, everything else felt like they were killing time until they could get to the point where they can set up the next sequel. That's all the last 15 minutes really is. Duane is given a big dose of reality by Susan and does not take it well to say the least. A now bat-shit Duane makes an impulsive decision involving Belial, which one could easily describe as a dick move. I must admit, this pointless piece of shit actually provided a surprisingly good ending. One of my all-time favorites. 3/10

Now on to what I wouldn't exactly call a worse movie. Definitely more annoying, and unnecessary as all hell, but here it is. And much quicker than we got he first sequel. Nine months later and straight-jacketed Duane finds himself being held in a padded cell somewhere in the freak house. I guess he's been catatonic all this time, but says he's ok now, and ready for pancakes. Yeah, maybe later. The thing is, Duane accidentally caused Susan's death, so, he's still in the doghouse, so to speak. However, Duane is finally let out of the cell. And just in time for the road trip... Oh, and I guess I should have already pointed out, there's this female Belial thing living there, and Belial fucked it in the last movie, so now, it's pregnant with God knows what. The only person Granny Ruth knows and trust enough to deliver this litter lives all the way down in Georgia. So, yeah. Road trip!

Let's just say Granny Ruth knows a guy. This old codger, Hal, who takes care of her freak son for her. And I'm not even sure why "little Hal" is down here away from his mother if she loves freaks so much. Perhaps he thinks she's an annoying, old cunt, and is only able to tolerate her in small doses. Little Hal's a smart boy, which is convenient, as Belial has already ripped original Hal's face off for being a doctor. So, with his eight (or so) arms, little Hal sucks it up and uses his medical know-how to yank a bunch of miniature Belials out of that other thing. A loud, nerve-racking scene, but was it any more insane than a normal woman giving birth in real life?

Seconds after being trusted enough to be let out of his straight-jacket, Duane hightails it and soon gets mixed up with the daughter of the local sheriff. I guess Duane wants the sheriff to help him get Belial back from Granny Ruth. It's not entirely clear what he wants, really. Belial isn't exactly being held against his will, so, I think Duane is a little confused. His confusion happens to cause a lot of problems, later on. Namely Eve getting shot and killed by a deputy. Eve was the pregnant thing, by the way. Maybe it's time for Duane to just sit down and shut up. Oh, but how 'bout a little random comedy relief? Granny Ruth then takes the freaks out to a fast food joint where they go full-on retard and tear the place apart while she orders an outlandish amount of food. This totally overwhelms Casey from the first movie because she works there, now. And Casey ain't got time for that shit.

The freak's feathers have, once again, been ruffled, Belial especially. Now, it's up to him and his normal (looking) brother to save the day for everyone and extract revenge the best way they know how: By having Belial tear people up while Duane stands there like an idiot. At least they got that part right. However, it's too little too late for this overly-cartoonish third entry. Sadly, this was never a Duane/Belial story. 3/10

This is very much a Granny Ruth story, as was the last movie. Sorry, but fuck her. She was horrible for these movies. What was it about Annie Ross that made Frank Henenlotter want to put her in both these sequels, and basically have them revolve around her? And those freaks? I get the intent, but it didn't set well with me. Having a large quantity of freaks, as opposed to just one, does not make up for the lack of ideas of where to go with Duane and Belial. As far as I'm concerned, Granny Ruth and her goofy fuckheads robbed us all of a decent sequel. You know what? Actually everything did, in my opinion. The magic of the original is long gone and it's been replaced with a bunch of nonsense. The original Basket Case was actually filmed in the late 70's, so, it goes with out saying these early 90's follow-ups would not include the same look and feel that made my favorite Horror movie so great. I get it. I just don't like it. In fact, these sequels are probably the main reason I grew up hating 90's Horror so much. However, aside from all that, Basket Case 2 and 3 are really just a couple of wacky, demented Horror flicks which are ultimately harmless and offer plenty of fun moments. So, I'd be lying if I said they've never made me crack a smile before. And in that respect, these movies are a success, but I'd also like to point out that only one out of this trilogy still has people talking. Coincidentally, it's the one without Granny Ruth. Just sayin'.



#Review